Formula feed guilt...

[SophSoph92]

Just wondering if anyone is in the same guilt boat as me?

My 6 week old son is currently being bottle fed formula and expressed BM (80% the former and 20% the latter) due to many issues on my breastfeeding journey. I really wanted to breastfeed and I tried so hard but improper latch, nipple pain and damage, mastitis, thrush lead him to lose 11% of his original weight in 5 days and me to, on midwife advice, initially 'top up' feed my son formula in addition to the majority of expressed BM. He is now fed the majority formula because my milk supply has decreased- when my partner is at work I can't physically pump as often as I should to keep it up..

Wow....The fact I've started off justifying why he has formula at all just goes to show how guilty I feel! It's not what I wanted for my little one and it makes me sad. I dread having to feed him in public because I'm not breastfeeding and don't want to be judged!

Is anyone else in my situation and feeling this way? Or anyone fortunate enough to be breastfeeding and able to tell me if you have ever judged someone who doesn't?

Thanks in advance X

The most important thing is that baby is fed, when they reach your age they won't give two hoots if they had bottle or boob!

I breastfed 2 of my dc and formula fed the other 2. After breastfeeding the middle 2 I wanted to formula feed the youngest.
Honestly it feels like a huge deal to you now, but in 5 years you won't know which of your dc's friends were breastfed or bottle fed.
When I was a breastfeeding mum the only thought I'd have when seeing a baby being fed a bottle was "ohh cute a baby"
Be kind to yourself

All I can tell you is that I FF my oldest 2 DCs (really struggled with the pain of breastfeeding and all sorts of issues) and then BF my youngest 2 DCs (for reasons I can't explain it was just incredibly easy). They're all teenage or older now - and there's no difference. Equally bonded, equal levels of health, equal levels of happiness. I really feel that it made no difference.
And the people who might judge you in public are not the people whose opinions you need to bother with. BF can be bloody hard. Just try and enjoy your baby.

I felt just as guilty as you do - my DD is 8 weeks now. I was always justifying to everyone else why I was mainly FF my DD - I also expressed up until last week. I don't explain to any one anymore, I tried to BF it just didn't work for us. It was a decision me and DP made together to completely FF, and we've got a happy, healthy little girl.
You'll always get someone that knows more blah blah blah..
Just know your doing what's best for you and your family, don't worry about anyone else!

I have a 6 year old and still experience The Guilt.

You are doing your best by your son. Ignore all negative comments and negative people - practise your F off face in case you meet idiots in cafes etc.

I recently (Feb last year) got into an argument with Sil about breast/bottle, she is 38yo no children, thinks she knows everything when in reality knows nothing. She has no empathy or nous whatsoever and i shouldn't take it to heart, but 6 years on and it is still obviously raw.

Be kind to yourself and give your baby a special squish from cyber-Aunty Conyo

I felt exactly the same OP, such a guilt trip!

At the end of the day you are feeding your baby. That’s all that matters!

I was in your situation 3 years ago with DD2 and it still upsets me that I "failed".

I had a really deep heart to heart with DH recently about why I feel like this and we came to the conclusion I don't like failing at things (I usually don't!). So it seems like it's more about me than DD2.

I did breastfeed DD1 for 9 months (with nipple shields) and I can honestly say you wouldn't know that one had been bf'd and one had been ff'd.

I overthink everything! Are you the same? Try not to beat yourself up. I was daft about it. Having been stuck feeding DD1 for 12 hours a day (I kid you not) I was then able to leave DD2 to go to the shops in my own at 2 weeks and I couldn't enjoy that freedom, just felt guilty.

DS is ten weeks and formula fed, I tried to breast feed but literally had nothing - no leaking, no bigger boobs, they didn’t even get tender. Mw said it would eventually come through but it didn’t

We hadn’t bought anything feeding wise as I expected we wouldn’t need to and I felt such a failure going to boots for bottles, brushes, steriliser etc.

Aslong as they are fed and loved, they will thrive

please don't feel bad. See if you can join a breastfeeding support group near you were you might get help to keep going but please don't beat yourself up. It must be awful to not be able to feed your child the way you wished but you're both healthy and that's all that really matters. You've done 6 weeks and that's wonderful, be proud of yourself for what you've done and just enjoy your baby

Yep, I even saw a postnatal clinical psychologist over the guilt. There is a lot more to looking after your baby than just feeding him. You are so much more than just a feeding machine.

As a Mum you have to think about what is best for the whole family not just your baby.

Please don't feel bad. The most important thing is that your baby is fed. If people do judge ( but I'm sure they won't be) it says more about them than you.

I FF my baby - a mixture of me really hating breastfeeding and him being lactose intolerant and getting special formula. My best friend breastfed for nearly 18 months . If you put our 2 children together you can not tell who was BF and who was FF.

My little boy is now three and just a happy clever boy . He's hardly ever ill and has completely grown out of his lactose intolerance. A huge benefit of FF was my DH could do it too. That gave me a break and meant they developed a really strong bond from the outset.

If I have another I will be FF after they've got the good stuff.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Look after yourself x

Sorry to say it but this "mum guilt" lasts forever, not obviously for the formula but if I'm honest I feel guilty atleast 50% of the time, am I giving enough attention/reading to them enough, do they get enough outdoor time, do they get enough bonding etc. etc.

In terms of feeding out and about I think you are over thinking it, a vast majority of babies are FF by your son's age and no one would bat an eyelid, its actually less "normal" to see a breastfed baby imo. I FF 1st DC & BF the 2nd and very rarely saw another breastfed baby in public!

I struggled to BF for 4 months. Never produced much milk to speak of. I did pump. Religiously. Yep alone with a screaming baby whilst I cried. Took domperidone and drank fennel tea. Saw lactation consultant (or whatever she was called) regularly.
I can't BF. I really can't.
Your baby needs to be fed. It would be lovely to establish BF and feel guilt free. BUT it's much more important to actually feed your child and not drive yourself to the edge of a breakdown.

My 'failure' to be able to continue breastfeeding feeding after 5 or 6 weeks exacerbated pnd. It was hell. However, my baby thrived on formula (had to switch to soya) and he was always a happy and healthy baby. He's now 6'7 and almost 19 years old. If I could do one thing differently, it would be to not have been dragged into the mustbreastfeedtobeagoodmom crap and to have enjoyed my baby at the time rather than beating myself up and feeling like I'd failed in some way.

I felt the same as you but now my DD is older I can see that there was really no need to beat myself up.
You don’t walk into a nursery, school or workplace and automatically know who was breast or formula fed

I breastfeed, but in my antenatal group the majority of the other mums formula feed for various reasons. I have never judged them for it! I have actually experienced more negative comments towards breastfeeding than I have towards FF. So many breastfeeding mothers feel uncomfortable feeding in public because of this negativity, so it definitely works both ways and sometimes feels like we just can't win!

Unfortunately there will always be someone judging our parenting choices, you just have to try to focus on yourself and your baby and do what works for you.

I never breastfed. Not once. It didn't mean I loved my babies any less. Or that it meant I was putting them at risk. I just know i would have struggled with the lack of flexibility. It hasn't put my ds at a disadvantage. Ds2 is pretty much the smartest kid in his year (of about 90).

One of my sister's breastfed and the other didn't. 3 dc each. The one who did had the babies most prone to illness when they were younger. Breast may be 'best', but only if it works out for you. Not if your kid is starving. Not if it's affecting your mental health. I don't get the guilt. Really I don't.

Hopefully you'll look back at this and realise you were getting yourself worked up over something unimportant. All that matters is that he's getting milk from somewhere.

I was the same I know the benefits of bf and wanted that for me and my child and it was devastating that that choice was taken from me because something I'd been told was easy and natural and my body could do it couldn't. Dcs are 6 and 1 now and though I don't feel guilty anymore I'm still disappointed at times that it didn't work out but they're happy and healthy and I know that's what's most important

I expressed for a few weeks to due being unable to breastfeed (similar reasons to you). I drove my self to the edge of Pnd over flipping breastfeeding. Then I nearly drove myself insane trying to express round the clock. At around 9-10 weeks I stopped and moved to formula, forgave myself (long traumatic birth and laughable support over complex breastfeeding issues) and have never looked back. Dd now nearly 5m and I've been enjoying her and being a much better mum since I stopped the pointless obsession with breast milk. She's very alert, smiley and perfectly healthy and I have let go of any shame about bottle feeding in public. I don't have time for that. Just be kind to yourself-being a mum is fucking hard and breastfeeding is a small and ultimately inconsequential part of being a good parent. Stop torturing yourself and enjoy your previous baby xx

I'm the total opposite and felt very self conscious breastfeeding to the point that I never did it in public. I then had (childless) Dsis make me feel like I was being stupid feeling like that and really wasn't very understanding at all about how I felt breastfeeding. I never found breastfeeding easy either and it took me a long time to start getting the hang of it.

So at 9 weeks I gave up and switched to formula. Whilst I know breast is best (for baby, not always for the mother) I knew that bottle feeding was doing absolutely no harm. As soon as I was able to relax about feeding my child I was able to enjoy him more and bonded better with him.

I think the majority of people won't even think twice about how you are feeding your baby and are probably only looking because your baby is cute. As they say, those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

Seriously, bollocks to that type of thinking.

You're feeding him, right?

Don't get started on the mum guilt thing, otherwise you'll end up permanently guilty about something or other.

You do your best; you do what you can with what you've got. And that's all anyone can ask.

There are many ways to nurture a baby. How you feed them is just one.

I mix feed my DS; traumatic birth for both of us, milk slow coming in, tongue tie, 13% weight loss in 5 days meant I topped up on Midwife’s advice. I cried for 3 days. I saw lots of experts to try and ditch the top ups but couldn’t. I felt like such a failure.
Things that helped me: a friend saying her similar situation led to PND, & as I have a history of depression & anxiety I really didn’t want to let it spiral beyond my control. Watching how well my son was getting on and realising it wasn’t having a bad effect on him at all. Reminding myself continuously that I didn’t judge other people for ff at all, so why was I judging myself?

Like a pp, I’m not good at failing. I think that if I try my hardest I’ll be able to achieve anything. Turns out sometimes that’s not true. At 21 weeks I still question whether I could have done things differently, but am kinder on myself now.

You’re doing a great job, enjoy your gorgeous baby and be kind to yourself xx

OP I'm in a similar situation. Baby is 3 weeks old but spent first week in NICU and we could not establish BF before she was discharged - long story but we physically can't get into a position she likes. I expressed from birth and we topped up with formula and the hope was that we would continue to do that for another week until we were able to begin trying to establish BF again.

I'm finding it so hard to express the 'right' number of times now and night expressing is taking its toll - I know you're meant to be tired with a newborn but I'm getting around three hours of broken sleep a night and can't nap when she naps during the day because I need to express, eat, wash etc. then.

My DP goes back to work next week and thinks we should switch to formula to make things a bit easier. I really wanted to make it through to try to establish BF but I'm worried about my supply getting lower and not having enough when we try...

I feel so guilty I could cry... But I don't have time because I have to express.

I've not RTFT but I had to comment. However you feed your baby there will be guilt. I EBF DD for almost a month and felt a huge amount of guilt and like I was a failure as she wasn't putting on weight. We combination fed and I felt worse because formula helped and I was an awful mother for not giving it sooner and simultaneously because I "needed" formula to be a good mother.

DD is 6 months and I'm weaning her fully on to a bottle and feel guilty for stopping bf, even though she's had majority breast milk for the first 5 months of her life.

In reality, we should only feel guilty if there is something we are not doing. You are feeding your baby, therefore you are doing the best you can for them and should not feel guilty. Pushing your mental health & physical health to the brink, making your baby unnecessarily hungry is not the best choice.

I've bf and ff in public and felt like I would be judged for both. Not one person has EVER made a comment about either. People routinely tell me how smiley DD is (she will smile at anyone). Happy babies don't care how they are fed, they care that their mummy is happy and that their tummy is full.

Be kind to yourself