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Original poster

Problem with 9 year old neighbour

73 replies

holymoly2018 · 22/04/2018 22:03

Hi all,

I'm in a dilemma and I need some advice. A few months ago, a family moved in a few doors down with a 9 year old girl. We've only seen her a few times and both her and her parents have been very pleasant. The daughter is due to start at my kids' primary school in a few weeks, so the parents invited us over for tea. I have two kids - 5 and 7 - but we noticed when the kids were playing that the 9 year old was really bullying my 5 year old. It was typical older kid type stuff like 'you're too young to play with us' and 'no one wants to listen to a baby' etc. My 5 year old was in tears over this.

The parents are very nice, but have asked if I can take their daughter to school with us every morning when she starts at my kids' school. They also want to arrange activities with their daughter and my kids over the summer holidays, but after seeing how their daughter treated my youngest, I am extremely worried. As they are neighbours, I don't want to fall out over this and I don't want to start accusations of bullying (it was only the first time they all played, so it could be a one off?). However, I don't want my youngest daughter to be around this girl if she is going to be continually mean.

If I decline taking their daughter to school every day, they'll wonder why, as there is no reason why I couldn't make this commitment. I don't like confrontation. They think the world of their daughter and they are genuinely nice people.

Any ideas how I proceed? Thanks!

OP posts:

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 23/04/2018 00:08

Keep saying no and people stop asking eventually, they'll get the message. I have learnt the hard way!

Atticusss · 23/04/2018 00:29

NotTakenUsername I am stunned by your claim to love the school run! Please share with me how this is possible.

pinkyredrose · 23/04/2018 00:44

If they're 'very nice' people why do they think the only way thier kid can get to school is if a new neighbour takes her? Can't afford to shorten their working day?! What did they do for the other 4 yrs she was at school?

AornisHades · 23/04/2018 00:51

Pro CF behaviour. Do not give an inch or you'll find yourself as their unpaid childminder on a major level. Before and after school, holidays and weekends will be taken up doing their childcare and they'll be so disappointed if you let them down.

Octave777 · 23/04/2018 01:12

Agree say no I can't. You don't have to justify this.

If you don't want their daughter over say sorry you are having family time together.

The nicest of ppl are cf because that's how they get what they want. Don't let strangers guilt trip.

merrymouse · 23/04/2018 01:13

The 4 year age gap between your youngest child and the neighbour means that one or other child is always going to be excluded.

If you say no, the worst that can happen is the neighbours are a bit offended and your friendship cools. If you say yes the worst that can happen is that your 5 year old is miserable and you dread the school run and the friendship also cools because you feel so fed up.

Just say no. “Sorry, lift sharing won’t work for us”.

The 9 year old can still play with your 7 year old if they are friendly, but you have no obligation to organise your life around your neighbour.

CoCoCoconut · 23/04/2018 01:51

FFS OP there is no such thing as "only child syndrome" . Maisy gave a couple of possible examples of how the 9 year old might be feeling, to make the broader point that her actions are more likely motivated by immaturity than malice. She didn't pathologise the utterly normal situation of being a kid without siblings, or imply that only children are any more likely to behave unkindly to others than children with siblings.

Your new neighbours are trying to use you and I agree with others that you shouldn't allow them to. Regarding the 9 year old's behaviour toward the 5 year old, I don't understand why you're so reluctant to tell her to stop, and failing that, tell her parents.

They don't sound great but to be honest neither do you. You seem to have made up your mind about them and how they'll react to this, that and the other, based on barely knowing them for a few months, and making judgemental assumptions about the size of their family.

pallisers · 23/04/2018 02:04

NotTakenUsername I am stunned by your claim to love the school run! Please share with me how this is possible.

I love the school run too (mine are now teens and I still do a school run). It is a chance to listen to the radio together, sing along to songs, possibly hear what is really going on at school, have a chat about politics or just simply sit together in the same space happily.

When they were younger I absolutely loved being in the car and hearing conversations in the back or hear the girls sing a song they were learning at school - or one memorable occasion we still crack up at, ds and his friend sing "I came in like a wrecking ball" tunelessly and enthusiastically at the back while his younger sisters and I laughed in the middle/front seats.

Having another child who isn't a friend of your child's changes that dynamic. It might be worth it - or not.

If you are still reading OP, I think they invited you over to tea so they could ask you to drop their child every morning. you don't need to do this. Simply say "oh sorry that won't work for me" and if they ask why say "oh I'd rather not say but it won't work for me"

JoanFrenulum · 23/04/2018 02:40

you find the age gap a bit tricky and your youngest is being left out.

Fuck that's brilliant

MarvelleGazelle · 23/04/2018 02:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgedTawnyPort · 23/04/2018 02:52

I agree with FlyingBird. The school run is a really good opportunity for a chat, family chat.

Definitely refuse OP, this is not the right choice for your family. It might be an easy, cost free choice for your neighbours but it definitely isn't right for you.

ovenchips · 23/04/2018 04:28

You don't need to facilitate their life! How they get their child to school every single day is kinda their problem to figure out.

Your choice both with the school run and their daughter playing with your children is a) to do something that works for you, or b) do something that requires effort on your part and only works for them.

Guess which one you should choose?! I'd be drawing up a reasonable boundary now. You will need to assert this boundary - if you don't you'll end up in 2 different situations/ patterns that you don't actually want to be in.

It might not come easily to you to do so but it will feel very good if you do. A bit of discomfort at having to say no now is IMO way better than the alternative.

Coyoacan · 23/04/2018 04:53

I agree with just about everything that is being said here. The only minor issue I have is the idea that the OP's older child cannot make friends with someone who doesn't want to play with the younger one. That sounds quite stultifying.

GetTaeBed · 23/04/2018 04:55

They are not very nice people - they are grabby users who have shown their true colours very early whilst still, pretty much complete strangers.

You need some lines to say:

I'm sorry i cannot be responsible for someone else's child everyday,
I'm sorry, that will not work for me at all,
I am not comfortable driving another child so it us not possible,
I am sorry but this is too much to ask of someone, particullary a virtual stranger, you will need to make your own arrangements as everyone else does.

As for playing 5&7 is very different to 9. The girl will soon make friends and probably have no interest playing with younger children- and I'm sure your daughters woild probably play with their peers. There is no obligation on you to force the kids together- i would create and maintain a huge distance now- otherwise you will be looking after their dd every holiday/ inset day by the sounds of it. You don't have to be friendly or neighbourly- they are takers! Polite smiles only now - and no to everything without fail. It might take a while, but they will stop asking as they will find another mug...

SadieHH · 23/04/2018 06:22

Have only read OPs, sorry but just to say that I was taken to school by a (lovely) friend of my mothers but was bullied mercilessly by one of the other little sods that she took. I would have been about 8 or 9 and remember the misery to this day. Please say no.

HagueBlue2018 · 23/04/2018 06:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StellaHeyStella · 23/04/2018 06:55

These people are have it all stitched up don't they? You can guarantee that the only reason you were invited you round for tea was that they see you as an easy touch for school lifts. What they're talking about is free childminding and not parents helping each other out.

They also want to arrange activities with their daughter and my kids over the summer holidays,
No they don't, they want you to be a free childminder in the holidays.

I would also be very careful to allow your girls themselves to choose who they play and spend time with and listen to what they are telling you.

AgedTawnyPort · 23/04/2018 07:08

I was thinking about this earlier, thinking how different you would feel if it was a) a friend of yours or b) one of your DC's best friends who you all knew and your DC loved being with.

You would love it, chances are that the summer hols thing would be a reciprocal arrangement allowing you to spend time with whichever DC was left at home.

That is what I do, we are lucky in that one of us can always work at home but DD goes to a friend (of mine) where she is friends with her children about three times in the long summer holidays when we get stuck and I have my friends DC once or twice during that time when they are stuck.

It is a lovely thing to do for a friend when the kids are friends.

I wouldn't entertain this neighbour, complete Mickey take.

Accountant222 · 23/04/2018 07:11

I wouldn't take the responsibility of getting the child to school at all.

I once inadvertently ended up giving a colleague a lift to work every day which ended badly with me losing my temper.

They are cheeky fuckers.

Rach000 · 23/04/2018 07:59

I would be so annoyed at them for asking that way, trying to be nice when they just wanted something for free. It wouldn't just be a school run I guess if they are working as you would probably need to look after her at yours before you set off once they have left for work. And the holidays thing is also to get you to look after her while they work. She is older than your eldest so not even going to be friends at school.
Glad you are saying no.

Branleuse · 23/04/2018 08:23

could you say no, that you think it would totally change the dynamic and you just cant commit to it. That your school run is already stressful and you dont want to add to it with an extra child but hope you manage to sort something out

shammy1b · 25/04/2018 18:00

Babes tell her straight..im sorry but i find it rude that anyone would ask me to take kids to school everyday as i dont even want to get up take my iwn..hate moms that do this shit..dont have kids if u cannot look after them yourself standard..she will treat you like a glorified free babysitter from THE day you say yes so best get used to no hun im busy and im sorry but ive already committed to picking up and taking my dd s friend so no room in my inn .bye felecia .the cheek of it..she dont even know you that well and palming kid off already..tells u she sees u as a freebie for when she busy...

Original poster

holymoly2018 · 25/04/2018 20:43

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your feedback.

As of yet, I have not seen the neighbours since that day. However, I have decided to say no. I agree with the posts above where it's family time, so I am going to use this if they press for a reason from me.

With regards to a 9 year old playing with 5 and 7 year olds, I definitely take the point regarding massive age differences. However, I am from a family where we were always expected to play and be nice with children of ALL ages when growing up. I played with much younger children than me when I was 9. I guess times have changed and I wouldn't expect the neighbour's 9 year old to play with any of my children, there is no obligation. It's her parents who seem to be pushing for their daughter to be friends with mine.

OP posts:

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