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Original poster

Problem with 9 year old neighbour

73 replies

holymoly2018 · 22/04/2018 22:03

Hi all,

I'm in a dilemma and I need some advice. A few months ago, a family moved in a few doors down with a 9 year old girl. We've only seen her a few times and both her and her parents have been very pleasant. The daughter is due to start at my kids' primary school in a few weeks, so the parents invited us over for tea. I have two kids - 5 and 7 - but we noticed when the kids were playing that the 9 year old was really bullying my 5 year old. It was typical older kid type stuff like 'you're too young to play with us' and 'no one wants to listen to a baby' etc. My 5 year old was in tears over this.

The parents are very nice, but have asked if I can take their daughter to school with us every morning when she starts at my kids' school. They also want to arrange activities with their daughter and my kids over the summer holidays, but after seeing how their daughter treated my youngest, I am extremely worried. As they are neighbours, I don't want to fall out over this and I don't want to start accusations of bullying (it was only the first time they all played, so it could be a one off?). However, I don't want my youngest daughter to be around this girl if she is going to be continually mean.

If I decline taking their daughter to school every day, they'll wonder why, as there is no reason why I couldn't make this commitment. I don't like confrontation. They think the world of their daughter and they are genuinely nice people.

Any ideas how I proceed? Thanks!

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/04/2018 22:21

How did you leave it with them when they asked?

Raines100 · 22/04/2018 22:21

Asking you so slyly to take their DD to school is cheeky as fuck. These people wont stop trying to take advantage.You need to nip this in the bud now.

SunshineAfterRain · 22/04/2018 22:22

Who is currently taking her to school just now?

Tell them you dont have a booster seat but even if you did are uncomfortable having the responsibility of their child's schooling routine.
Totally bizarre people have kids then expect neighbours to fetch them continually.

snozzlemaid · 22/04/2018 22:22

They've obviously only attempted to be friendly so they can use you.
They want you to take their dd to school every day!
And by them talking about activities in the summer I'd take this to mean you can expect them wanting you to look after her in school holidays.
Say no now and keep your distance.
Another CF.

Atticusss · 22/04/2018 22:22

I once agreed to taking a friends children to school a few times a week. Although I was going anyway, it was still quite stressful, dealing with the different dynamic. It's quite a commitment to be undertaking.

Thebluedog · 22/04/2018 22:23

I’d not want to take another child to school. Just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. It’s a massive responsibility for you and will really mean you have no flexibility.

Just say ‘no, I can’t commit to taking her everyday, I’m afraid you’ll have to make other arrangement’ and repeat whatever it is they comeback with.

As for them having to reduce their hours, then so be it, that’s their responsibility NOT yours!

Canwejustrelaxnow · 22/04/2018 22:23

Taking the daughter to school would mean one of the parents having to shorten their working day and they can't afford to do that

Op the answer is no. Repeat it. No. You'll need to practise cos I just know that they will not accept your first no. They are using you. Of course they want the kids to play together in the holidays; it's called FREE CHILDCARE!!! WTF.

OldHag1 · 22/04/2018 22:23

I think during the summer holidays it won’t be a case of inviting your kids into their garden I think they will be expecting you to be an unpaid childminder.

Think carefully

Fridasfridgefreezer · 22/04/2018 22:24

Of course, once I'd answered the questions 'correctly' they hit me with the 'oh, would you have space for one more kid in your car?' - knowing now that I have got space!

Wtf. Cheeky cunts. I’d def be saying no after that stealth attack. Disengage with them, it’s all gain for them isn’t it? They’ve sought you out as a possible free childminder. Don’t be it. Their working day isn’t your problem.

crumble82 · 22/04/2018 22:24

For the playing in the holidays idea can you just say that you find the age gap a bit tricky and your youngest is being left out. That way you’re not really blaming their daughter, just the situation.

For the school run maybe offer to do it once a week to keep on good terms but say you enjoy spending the time with your children and don’t want to change the dynamic permanently.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 22/04/2018 22:25

Their childcare though is not your problem and if they would not take kindly to news that their daughter has been unkind then it might just solve your problem! It is draining doing the school run for someone else every day. Your dc will suffer and you will feel responsible for the child who being older may well want to go ahead/ walk with friends/ want to go faster than your 5yr old.

If you decide to go ahead I would be clear that the mornings will be contingent on their dd being nice to your youngest. Actually I would probably just say no, but that is only because I have done months of a school run for someone and even then I had to say only 3 days a week and eventually had to say I couldn't do it any more. It may be more realistic to say you will do it twice a week and then review at the end of term. How long is it until the 9yr old can walk to school by themselves?

Meeep · 22/04/2018 22:26

Just say sorry but you feel like you need your time in the mornings to concentrate on your own kids and adding another would be too much responsibility?

Say you'll do Mondays if you feel like you really have to!

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 22:26

To say they think highly of her is an understatement. They would simply blame my daughter.

This friendship is doomed from the get go. They are very cheeky, their child is a bit unkind and you are a teensy bit judgmental. Abort!!

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 22:27

Also - I bloody love the school run. I don’t want some random child impinging on that precious time with my child right before I send them off for the day.

I definitely don’t want a random unkind child in the mix every morning.

MinnieMinchkin · 22/04/2018 22:30

"Not possible, but if I hear of any childminders with capacity I will let you know." Bright smile. Repeat as necessary.

I take other people's kids a fair amount, but they are DD's friends and it is often reciprocated.

I take exception to PPs' comments about only children being mean. My one and only DD is often praised for being kind and sensitive with other kids. So there.

Theworldisfullofgs · 22/04/2018 22:32

The age gap between a 5 year old and a 9 year old is large at this point. They wouldn't really be natural friends and the taking to school business is cheeky .

MagicalMerlot · 22/04/2018 22:33

Cheeky Fucker alert! Before you know it you'll be taking her to school, home from school and looking after her in the school holidays. Back away now op.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/04/2018 22:34

Don’t give them a reason why you can’t do it. They’re that cheeky they’ll try and find a way round your reasons. Just say you can’t do it but they could ask at the school for a list of childminders.

Original poster
holymoly2018 · 22/04/2018 22:35

Thanks very much for your responses. I did have a chuckle at some of them.

I think they'll end up putting her in breakfast club.

OP posts:
MinnieMinchkin · 22/04/2018 22:40

There's a breakfast club?!? I just assumed from their request that your school didn't have one! Definitely CFs!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 22/04/2018 22:45

Yes, just stick to the age gap, they can't argue with that.

"I find my children relate better to their own peer group. I'm sure your daughter will make friends her own age to play with in the summer holidays."

Keep saying no, no and no.

CornyCollins · 22/04/2018 22:45

Agree with other posters - definitely cf. I hate it when people ambush you for things by posing 'innocent' questions about your plans and then making it impossible for you to get out of something without appearing rude or uncooperative.

A friend tried it once with me, asking me all about my weekend plans to the extent that I thought they wanted to join in with our activity but no...she just wanted to foist her DD on me for the day. Angry

That alone would piss me off. The behavioural thing less so, that might settle down but you definitely don't need that daily commitment.

Ginger1982 · 22/04/2018 22:47

Leaving aside the bullying, there was a thread here a few months ago about a woman who was taking another child to school every day for months 'as a favour' and it got so bad she ended up in hospital with pneumonia (there was obviously more to it than that!)

Original poster
holymoly2018 · 22/04/2018 22:49

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo I told them that I would have to discuss as a family before deciding. However, I am definitely saying no, especially after reading these comments.

OP posts:
fia101 · 22/04/2018 23:52

CF - I have to pay a childminder to take my children to school - they should do the same