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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving baby

53 replies

BabyPufflingMumna · 22/04/2018 19:40

I am a first time mum to DS who is 4 months old. He was born prematurely and is BF and still feeding every 2 hours. It’s been tough as my other half is not supportive and we argue lots. Recently he has said that I need to start leaving the baby with him more and that it’s a sign of PND that I don’t want to leave DS.
I have left him for a couple of hours on one occasion but have no desire to be away from him. I say I would like time for a bath and a nap without having to go out and he says it’s not healthy that I don’t want to leave my son.
I guess I would like to know if it’s worrying that I don’t want to leave the baby yet. At what point should I worry that it’s not healthy wanting to be with him all the time?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 11:10

A bit different as he has disabilities and is mentally younger.

That is very different. A NT 8 year old should be given space to develop as an individual, not stuck with mum 24/7.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 11:18

I believe an 8yo child (nt or not) should have the choice and he isn’t ‘stuck’ with me 24/7

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 11:25

I believe an 8yo child (nt or not) should have the choice and he isn’t ‘stuck’ with me 24/7

Given the choice, most NT children much prefer to have other activities as well as the security that mum is always there when they come home.

8 is not a baby, Greenyogagirl and I think it’s doing your child a disservice to not allow them to spread their wings. Obviously I appreciate your situation is different.

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BubblesAndSquarks · 23/04/2018 11:28

This is ridiculous. My first 2 were prem and I was never willingly away from them as babies. I probably had more anxiety than most mums about being away from them, but that's not PND. When you've spent so long separated from them in nicu its natural to not want to repeat that.

DD2 was especially unwell, spent most of the first 6 months in hospital and still has complications from during that time now that shes coming up to 2. I won't leave her with anyone but DP still, just because I don't want to and wouldn't enjoy myself so don't see the point, and DP completely understands.

GrumpyGoose · 23/04/2018 11:31

I've got a 7.5mo DS and so far I've left him for one trip to the cinema, one trip to the cinema plus dinner for 6.5 hours (that was last week) plus maybe the odd 1 hour trip to the shops. Carry on as you are if that's what you want!

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 11:32

I don’t have a nt child but my son has always had and will always have freedom to do what he wants as long as it’s safe.
I’m not sure why you have latched onto my comment like this and I don’t see how ‘spreading their wings’ translates into leaving them with someone else for a few hours.

BubblesAndSquarks · 23/04/2018 11:32

4 months is tiny too, my DC3 is 5 months and was term so seems huge compared to my first 2, but I wouldn't leave him either as he's breastfed and its just not worth the hassle of expressing etc. I'd still rather wait until he's 1+ before leaving him even though he's completely healthy, it's natural to want to be with your baby when they're small.

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 11:44

Greenyogagirl I don’t have an nt child either. But they are encouraged to join in with life, not stay by my side every waking (or sleeping!) moment.

The joy as see as she independently achieves things without me holding her hand, and the pleasure I see as she starts to establish friendships that aren’t coordinated by me or dh is just so precious.

The pride in her face when she comes in at 7am and proudly announces she managed a whole night in her own bed...

I don’t think op should have to leave her baby at this point, not at all. But to tell her that it is fine because your 8yo rarely leaves your side and that is totally healthy, is misinformation.

I think there comes a point were we have to encourage our children to strive for some level of independence. That is not the same as not loving them or supporting them or being there for them.

If your son always has the freedom to do what he wants so long as he is safe you are doing him a disservice. He will become very entitled and spoilt. He is very important, but so is everybody else.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 11:51

You have absolutely no idea about my son or my parenting so back off.

LRL2017 · 23/04/2018 11:54

I think this is completely normal. My baby is 7 and a half months old and she has been away from me 3 times for no more than 4 hour each time. She won't take a bottle so it's difficult and I also still don't want to leave her!

Cornishclio · 23/04/2018 11:57

I am confused. In your OP you say your DH is encouraging you to go out and leave the baby with him. Given that he is EBF and you don't want to leave him at such a young age I don't think that is unusual. At the same time though you say he does not help with the baby. How about you go upstairs as you say for a nap or a bath and ask your DH to spend a few hours with baby downstairs. You could express and let him do a feed to get more confidence with looking after him. Popping out to the shops for half an hour might be a good start to get used to going out without the baby. I don't think it is a sign of PND not to want to leave your baby. He is only 4 months but I do think it is important for Dad to get one on one time with him too.

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 12:03

Greenyogagirl I really don’t think you are being reasonable asking me to back off. We are having a conversation about opinions on parenting, on a parenting forum.

Dobbythesockelf · 23/04/2018 12:06

I didn't want to leave my dd for months and I didn't have PND. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be with your baby. I also found when I was ebf that a nap and a bath would be more welcome than a night out. Why won't he look after baby while you have a nap etc? That is probably the best way to start leaving him at this stage.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 12:08

It’s not a conversation, it’s you picking apart what I say.
You are incredibly lucky that you have a child who can establish a friendship, stay in their own bed, explain how they feel.
My son has disabilities. He has freedom to do what he wants because he is a person not because he is spoiled.
He has opportunities and experiences that most children don’t.
I care for him 24/7 when he sleeps I’m either working on ways to make his life better or worrying myself sick.
Just because you don’t have a nt child doesn’t mean you know what my life is like.
I’m a bloody good mum and I don’t need some randomer trying to make me feel shit.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 23/04/2018 12:10

My first baby was 14 years old before I willingly left him so other than him 'leaving' me for school and friends never. His first stay away from home overnight not much better. He was 16 (yes, years not months!)

advocatingmum · 23/04/2018 12:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 12:15

Greenyogagirl I’ve obviously misinterpreted this as a conversation when you were just looking to get in the last word. If you feel like shit I’m very sorry but I do stand by everything I’ve said. I’ll leave it there, but I don’t think I need to back off, as I don’t think I was ever ‘on’.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 12:18

Not looking to get in the last word but why are you insisting that I’m doing my son a disservice when you have no clue about his disabilities or our life? Seems like you’re being nasty for the sake of it, a conversation is actually listening to the other person

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 12:20

Ok, it that an actual question I’m meant to respond to? Or... nope. Don’t have the energy here. I haven’t been nasty, but it speaks volumes that this is how you have labelled my opinions.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 12:22

you seem unable to accept that my sons disabilities aren’t exactly the same as your child’s and our situation is different

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 12:22

Just reread all my messages. I can’t find the nasty comments you refer to. By all means report them to MNHQ and let them take a look but I don’t think they would disagree.

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 12:23

But I’ll leave it there. Conversation on the internet is fine, but I make a point of not getting into circular arguments with strangers online.

BackforGood · 23/04/2018 12:24

I agree with NotTaken and one or two others.
It sounds to me like your dh is feeling left out. I think it's a positive thing that he wants to share the care (around the limited time, as you are breastfeeding , and doing so every couple of hours) and take responsibility.

I'm not going to tell anyone that their feelings are worrying, or wrong, but I do think a baby growing up with a healthy, strong bond with both their parents - and, in truth other loving adults - is a really positive thing, and a good habit to foster.

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2018 12:27

He isn't sharing care though, or offering to. The OP says he's often out and when he is around he doesn't go his share of care. What he is doing instead is demanding that the OP goes out, leaving him with the baby, when she'd rather take a nap or a bath.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 12:30

So in your ‘opinion’ should I ‘let him’ have independence by forcing him to sleep in his own bed where he will have night terrors, a seizure or stop breathing? But hey at least I wouldn’t be damaging him!
Should I let him have independence by sending him to a school that won’t accept him? Or leave him with friends of mine (he doesn’t have the capabilities to have friends) despite his incontinence, severe anxiety, communication difficulties, epilepsy, asthma and the million other things he has to deal with, it would traumatise him but that’s not important is it.
I let him do what he wants because he is not hurting anybody and will need 24/7 care for the rest of his life so when I can make him happy I will, this usually means playing in the brook or at the beach, I’ll stop his moments of happiness though in case it makes him spoiled.

Please, before you offer your opinions try realising that not everybody is in the same boat as you and most of the time a mother is already doing her best and when it comes to disabilities assume the mother (and the professionals involved) know how to deal with it better than a stranger.

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