How to deal with other children's (mis)behaviour in your home - when the parents/mothers are around

[emkana]

Hi all,
lately I've had quite a few people and their children over to visit during the day, and mostly it's been lovely and the children have played well together. But sometimes there are moments when I get really uptight when the children do stuff that I really don't like and I wish they wouldn't do and I would never let my children do at somebody else's house - things like: climbing around on the sofas with shoes on...torturing and killing a butterfly (! I know! happened today!)... carefully grinding a biscuit into the carpet... throwing the sand out of the sandpit everywhere... things like that, but also smaller things like taking indoor toys outside into the garden...
To some degree I should probably just lighten up, as long as nothing is really broken. But on the other hand I get slightly annoyed sometimes, thinking "Why can't the mothers say something?" Today I found myself feeling like a right stuck-up horrible cow, because I was the only adult there to tell the children off/tell them not to do things, while the other mums just sat there chatting... I feel that they should direct their children, but I suppose if the sensitivities as to what is acceptable are different...
Rambling now, sorry! What are other people's thoughts on this?

I agree & I have had to step in when someones DS was up to mischief in my house. It does annoy me when people can't keep their own kids under control. You do feel a bit of a mummy-from-hell though !! But in my case, I was concerned about another chid getting hurt by said DS. I don't think I would mind if someone else (I knew) told my DS off, if I hadnt seen him misbehaving

I actually say to the child, sorry we don't stand on sofa's in this house. Or remove the toy and say There are lots of toys outisde, this one stays inside. I also make a point of praising my own childrens good behaviour "DS you are playing so nicely, thanyou for not throughing sand about, aren't you being good"

Probably totally condecending, but at the end of the day - it's my house, and I expect the children who come to respect the same set of rules as I expect of my children.

If any of the other mothers have had an issue with it they have never tackled me about it. I also enforce the same rules on my own children at other people's houses, eg, if we go to play at someone elses house. my kids don't get to leave until all the toys are tidied away.

God - I must sound like a right b*h, but thats really what I do.

good point emkana
i would just ask them-fairly nicely to stop and hopefully their parent/s will pick it up

If I didn't know the child or family very well, I think I would put up with things like standing on sofa etc but I would be unable to tolerate any kind of cruelty and would have screamed at any child who pulled the wings off a butterfly whether their parents were there or not. Am always quite strict with my own kids in other peoples' houses but also feel I should lighten up a bit in my own

Ah, all my pet hates!

I'm afraid I take a tough line with all of the above. When taking the lid off the sandpit I announce loudly that there is to be no throwing of sand and that all the sand must stay in the sandpit, otherwise we have to close it up again. I've never actually had to carry this out, though I often have to keep threatening to.

Less predictable things I also intervene, directly to the child, eg. "No, please don't jump on my sofa!", "Please don't throw food on the floor" or whatever. I would also say, "No, those are indoor toys. If you want to play with them you must stay inside." God, I sound like a right evil witch. But hell, it's my house, why should I let other people's brats trash it? Also, my children, primed by their neurotic mother, get upset if they see other kids damaging their toys.

Having said that, other people have different standards in their houses. While cruelty to animals is never ok, nor deliberately grinding food into the floor (WTF?), some people may be more relaxed about sandpits or indoor toys, or kids helping themselves from the fridge (another of my pet hates). So perhaps all the other mums are just thinking how amazingly laid back you are, while you're sitting there inwardly fuming about how laid back they are.

The bottom line is that I don't see why other people's children should be allowed to do things in my house that my own kids wouldn't be allowed to do.

kalex, posts crossed, perhaps we are twins!

This is something I'm worrying about at the mo. 2 friends I would like to have over, the first was last here prob 2 years ago & her boys went into my bedroom & smeared makeup & ointment on each other, then when retrieved kept opening drawers where bank stuff etc is, their mum was so wound up she left early.
Another has 2 younger girls & they seem to run riot in their own house, & I have loads of breakable stuff around, not to mention cream settees...
But, I feel guilty about always going round their places, they say it's easier but I feel I should reciprocate, but I know trying to keep everyone out of trouble will give me such a headache...

emkana, sore point as my sisters two boys are like this.
They break dd's toys-my stuff-just drop rubbish where they stand- swear!!!!!..................

I am very strict with them now and i think i'll always be the strict aunty!!
I MAKE them sit down for food, they are told off immediately if they try to break things and the swearing has only happened twice and i tryed to ignore it so dd didn't pick it up!!
They are only 2.6 and 3.6 but my dd is only 3.6 and she knows not to do these things so i think it would be very unfair to let her see another child do something she can't in her own home.

OOOOHHH feel better now

It's SO annoying isn't it???

hi

understandable you get annoyed about this

when me and dd have visited others houses in the past we have try to make a effort

i do try and correct my dd when she,s misbehaving but she,s only 2yrs and 6mths, i dont ignore bad behaviour

i dont mind respecting others standards and rules as long as i know what they are .

i dont mind others correcting my dd is she has misbehaved .

what i find dishearting is afterwards when they make excuse after they are too busy to meet up with u again and u sadely lost touch

my dd is young and at that terrible 2,s ages so will try to get her own way and push others around but i dont let her get away with it .

that,s my side of it,but when they came over to yours they should agree to your house rules and make sure their children are aware of them i would and do with others

hope that helps ,some of us are quite embrassed when our little 1,s misbehave when they are guests at someone,s else,s house

it make me self conscious that i try and arrnage to meet elsewhere at say a wakey warehouse

tc

We have a rule with our group of Mum and toddler friends that if one child has a really special toy that they don't want to share, it gets put away when their friends come. Fair enough - I agree with that totally. Last week we were at MIL's house and my nephew (2.6 - same as my DS1) had a toy that he wouldn't let my DS play with. he kept walking around with it saying "No - mine" I tried to explain to DS that it was his cousin's special toy and he really didn't want to share it so perhaps Aunty R (my SIL) could put it away until we had gone home. SIL was there, in hearing. I said it so she would take it from her child so mine wouldn't get upset but she didn't. trouble is with that is that we were at MIL's house - if that happened at my house I would tell nephew what the rules are. Mind you, this SIL also put on the Shrek DVD even though I told her my DS was scared by it - such great thoughtfulness...

Crissey, Please don't believe that my children are perfect in any shape or form. But when they misbehave, regardless of where we are, they are suitably "discplined"(not a word I like but can't think of another one) or ignored - I am the one who is ignoring their toddler having a tantrum in Tesco

But I think that I am consistent, and all children in my home are expected to behave to the same standard, just like they are expected to behave in other peoples house.

My children do bad things, throw toys down stairs, storm and tantrum like all other children.

I so far have not lost a freindhsip through either my children's behaviour or their children's. But a very good friend of mine has recently stopped seeing her best freind nearly as often, because the eldest child, just turned three was such a bad influence on her three year old and kept biting and hiting her tiny baby, anf the mother refused to discipline him, and my friend didn't know what to say.

It is not fair on our own DS if other children are allowed to do naughty things that he is told off for.

I always tell them off, then explain to parents. It is sometimes very embarassing with the parents sitting there.

Once a friends DD hit my DS and she ignored it but when DS hit back she said how rough he was.

I was fuming

hi cleanhouse

have seen my dd hit another dd and i always correct her about it everytime i see it and will contiue to do so

she,s slowly learning as she,s doing less and less now

just when she did do it a few times to another,her mum hasnt invite us bck since and can only think that,s the reason

Chrissey, if that reaaly is the reason youv'e not been invited back, would you really want a freind like that . For Goodness sake, DS went through a stage of biting, but that was after one of his little friends at nursery had bitten him 4 times. His mum and I both laughed about it "in a children will be children" and "it's a phase" kind of way. They still both got in trouble when they did it, but I certainly didn't stop seeing her.

Is a friend like that really worth keeping!?!

no lol

so dont bother contacting her

just think it,s a bit strange 2 have someone over then not meeting or getting back to them again without a proper reason lol

we met via netmums site

See stick with Mumsnet we are much nicer, you can come over and if your DD hits my Ds, I'll still let you be my friend lol

I haven't read all the posts on this thread but my take on this is very simple: in MY house, My rules apply, for everyone. If people don't like it, they shouldn't come to my house! However I've never had any problems and haven't lost any friends over this. So be brave and just stick to your rules!

We sometimes have a prob with other kids tormenting our cats.

Chasing them pulling tails etc.

I say to the child and parent that they will get scratched. We have 2 cats and most of the time they go out when friends come round.

They are both fine with our DS

Oh, Cleanhouse, that's got me going. Didn't invite my SIL/BIL and their kids back for several years after their ds spent an entire visit chasing and tormenting my cat. They'd take him away but as soon as they turned round to talk to someone else, he'd be off and I'd have to find out where the little so and so had gone (to be fair, they did have a dd to look after as well). Found the whole thing so stressful and upsetting I just didn't want him back in the house. I take cruelty to animals very seriously and think any child tormenting an animal is a priority for intervention; you can't just stop them once and then give up. Apart from the poor animal, it's teaching them that hurting a living creature is OK and that doesn't really do much for their relationship with other people.
SIL/BIL gave their cat away when the kids were very small which was probably a relief to the poor animal (gave away to a good home as far as I know).
DN did come to my own ds's first birthday a few weeks ago and has grown up so much he was absolutely fine. But the cat was hiding as the house was full of people so who knows ... if they come back again and he starts on the cat it'll be another few years

edam the thing that really got to me was that the parents would think it funny or cute for their kids to chase the cats.

ahhhh they are playing

No they are not they are being cruel

one of the cats is very placid and friendly and so would not scratch until really upset.

If the parent is around and watching, I wouldn't say anything. (Except about animal torture ) I've never had a mum in my house who ignored their child's bad behavior; on the contrary, the mums I know are quick to correct their children. But if they didn't take the initiative to intervene, I wouldn't eitherbecause, as a friend, I wouldn't want to embarrass them. If it's crumbs in your carpet or something similarly reversible, I (personally) would just let it happen and hoover it up at the end of it. Guests make a mess; kids make a mess. It's one of the risks you take when you have people to your home. Frankly I think being relaxed about less serious offenses makes everyone happier: you and your guests. Guests can sense when their kids' antics are making their host uncomfortableand that, in turn, can make the guest uncomfortable (& embarrassed). As a host I'd want to minimize that discomfort & embarrassment because I don't like experiencing it as a guest, IYSWIM.

Haven't read all the answers but pointing out your own "house rules" - like not standing on the sofa, not bringing outdoor toys is, imo. completely acceptable. As a mum I think I'm quite conscious of thnigs like that and I'm stricter with mine at ther people's houses but I'd never be offended if a mum said stuff like that. If it was extreme and constant and I felt that dds couldn't actually play there and enjoy themselves then I might not come back - but none of the things you've siad seem like that to me.

well we're terrible house guests as the moment as ds1 is so destructive. There arew very few houses I will take him to atm so I love relaxed people.

We are off to the in-laws next week to stay for a week. They haven't seen him since Feb- and until a few months ago he was incredibly passive (way way way too passive) never touched anything, perfect house guest really. Now he is a nightmare. I have written out a list this morning for dh to tell them

1. can the bathroom doors be locked form the outside- if he can get to the toilets he will flush anything he finds down there. If not we need to buy an extra travel barrier as they have 3 toilets
2. remove all ornaments from the hall/near the stairs as lots of things are being thrown down the stairs at the moment (beach balls I don't mind, cassette recorders smashed to smithereens I do)
3. Don't put him in the spare room with the computer, or with windows that are low down without locks. 4)make sure we are sleeping in a room near him, or we are happyt to split and take one boy each. 5)If he pinches do not yelp or you will leave us with A LOT of behvioural work to do when we get back home.

God I hate going anywhere where people don't have autistic kids. We only have one "normal"family we visit- and although it is a bit hard as she doesn't have bolts on her front door or one of her side gates (why would she?) or ways to block off her toilets- she was remarkably relaxed when he threw her mobile phone into her stream and for that I will be evergrateful. She has 4 kids including 3 boys so is used to some chaos, so I guess we don't see so bad.

OTOH I have had a friend's dd draw on our walls- it didn't worry me tbh as I know how difficult it is for her to get out with her dd (she's more of a nightmare than ds1 destructiveness wise). Dh was worried she would draw on his work stuff, but luckily she's only ever got hold of his chess books- and he likes the picutres of dogs she did (she's a brilliant artist).

I'm afraid I might be one of these mothers you're talking about, but with two little ones to keep an eye on and especially in a crowd of adults where I get chatting I do find it difficult to monitor everything that is going on and I'm sure inadvertantly miss something that might upset a host.
The thing is all of us probably have things we don't like to see children do in our house and they will be different from person to person. If children aren't hurting each other or irreversably destroying things in the house I tend to take a laid back approach.

I have to admit to inwardly cringing when we had other young children around when ds was younger. Now he's older it's usually just the kids so have no problem telling them how to behave.
DH's relations kids are the worst. We dread it. Had poo smeared on stairs and they never hit the toilet seat with wee.
A lot are allowed to be destructive at home so arent corrected at ours.
Things like the mother getting her ds to do his shoes up by putting them on our coffee table make me balk!