How to deal with other children's (mis)behaviour in your home - when the parents/mothers are around

[emkana]

Hi all,
lately I've had quite a few people and their children over to visit during the day, and mostly it's been lovely and the children have played well together. But sometimes there are moments when I get really uptight when the children do stuff that I really don't like and I wish they wouldn't do and I would never let my children do at somebody else's house - things like: climbing around on the sofas with shoes on...torturing and killing a butterfly (! I know! happened today!)... carefully grinding a biscuit into the carpet... throwing the sand out of the sandpit everywhere... things like that, but also smaller things like taking indoor toys outside into the garden...
To some degree I should probably just lighten up, as long as nothing is really broken. But on the other hand I get slightly annoyed sometimes, thinking "Why can't the mothers say something?" Today I found myself feeling like a right stuck-up horrible cow, because I was the only adult there to tell the children off/tell them not to do things, while the other mums just sat there chatting... I feel that they should direct their children, but I suppose if the sensitivities as to what is acceptable are different...
Rambling now, sorry! What are other people's thoughts on this?

I'm a bit late finding this thread but just had to join in. On of my best friends has a son who is the most destructive child. He seemed to hit the terrible one's and kept going from there (he is 2 1/2 now)! I never know what to say when they are over as she considers herself an attachment parenting mum and doesn't believe in "stifling his creativity". Even when he is jumping on my sofa!!
DS is 1 and this child always, always manages to knock him down, hit him or something. Lately I have just tried to avoid having them over or going to her house. I miss my friend but my nerves just can't take it and I am worried that the next time he will really hurt ds.

Just found this thread and finding it v.v relevant as I have a friend coming to stay next week with her 2 kids(8 and 3)who behave in the most appalling way.They are really wild and she just doesn't dicipline them, she laughs when they do naughty things and just lets them get away with murder.
Even going out with them is stressful as the 3 y/o runs away all the time.If we are eating out,she lets them down from the table to mess aboutetc.
I feel I have to uphold the standards of behaviour I expect from my children and ds1 is like " why can't I do that?"
Any tips anyone?? Can't cancel the visit!!!!

hi afraid not at the mo

useful thrad though and site know what pit falls to avoid

Just explain to your children that different parents have different rules, and while it may be ok as far as x is concerned, it is NOT ok for you to behave like that.

If you are brave enough, when your friend and children arrive, I would get down to their level (Supernanny style), and tell them in a firm voice that while they are staying they must play nicely and do what you ask them to do, so that everyone can enjoy the visit. I would do it in front of your friend too, so that she knows you aren't going to tolerate bad behaviour. However, this could mean that you end up disciplining ALL the children during her stay - not a pleasant thought.

Hmm, that seemed like a good idea when I started writing it but now I'm not so sure!

A bit of a sore point having had the family from hell over today.

At the moment I am too busy with my newborn to do a lot about it but I usually end up disciplining all the children and that gets on my wick too!

Oooh, it's so hard isn't it - you just can't bring up other people's kids.

I find it hard because in our group of friends, some of the Mums are so incredibly laid back about behaviour in their homes that I feel like a bit of a nazi in ours. The kids are allowed to roam in any room of the house in some homes, carrying food, ice-cream, drinks and the house it totally trashed. In my house there are rooms I don't want them in like the office (where they could damage the computer, their are dangerous things like scissors and staplers) and my/Dh room where I don't want them pulling all the bedding off, going into drawers, getting my make up and perfume out) but it's so hard to restrict them to certain rooms when they are allowed free reign elsewhere - I do it though because for one thing I can't afford to have things trashed. Even in the kids room I stress about them all getting into and jumping in the cot which has a slatted base and could get broken. Some of the Mums let their kids stand on our slate hearth or on the furniture with shoes on or let them dive over the backs of chairs which I don't let mine do.

However, I've got such a good relationship with some of my friends that I can ask the child politely not to do something but it kind of annoys me that I HAVE to as I would raise it first if my kids were doing it in their house. Even though some allow standing on sofas in shoes I still don't let mine do it because I feel they need to understand that if they don't do it at home, then they don't do it anywhere. There has to be consistency in what you tell them is acceptable and not acceptable in other people's homes.

Well I must sound like a bit of a bossy cow but I have no problem whatsoever telling other people's kids how to behave in my home! IMO, if their own mothers can't be bothered to enlighten them, then I'm more than happy to. This has only become an issue in the last few months as DS is 2yrs8months now, but with some of his friends I really have to be vigilant.

If an incident occurs with no adult present to witness it, I always question all the children in the same way as to who was responsible, and usually get the answer (I find they can't lie at this age ). Once or twice the mother of the offender has refused to accept it, or insisted it must have been "an accident" (yeah, I'm sure your child scribbling on my walls in orange crayon was just an accident!), which has left me quietly fuming. I certainly wouldn't hold back from loudly saying No to any child I saw doing something naughty, but it infuriates ne when their own mum sees and either admonishes them in such a wet, half-hearted way that they know they can get away with it again, or worse, just acts as though they didn't see at all. I find this is the most common response actually - if I didn't see it, it didn't actually happen, sort of thing.

I still see my NCT group each week, and while I like to see them, I am finding it increasingly stressful having them over to my house, as all I do is police the kids while the mums stand around eating cake and drinking tea. A couple of them are so badly behaved, I just don't want them in my house any more (currently trying to get out of this, but not sure how!)

Just so I don't sound too draconian, my own DS is by no means angelic, and I frequently have to "guide" him, but rarely have to actually punish him and have hardly ever smacked him. He just knows from the expression on my face what is and is not acceptable behaviour. It amazes me how some other mums I know talk about their children as though they are some kind of perfect being, never discipline them, and then look askance at you when you tell the child you don't really want sand all over your garden/crayon all over your walls, thanks very much! My mum's a primary school teacher so I know how popular these kids are with the teachers when they arrive at school IYKWIM

I finally faced the situation head on and told the mother that I was uncomfortable disciplining her child but that it did send mixed messages to ds when hers behaved in ways that we don't allow. Also, her child is entirely too aggressive with ds and the age difference between is really not appropriate IMO for playdates (hers is 2 1/2, ds is 1) so I suggested we socialise more without the children as I have always enjoyed her company. Well, her reaction was not entirely a surprise. We are currently now not speaking. She is one of those mums who thinks everything her child does is just precious. I've decided it's worth cooling off the friendship for now to not put up with the rest!