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Parenting

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Original poster

Dp not sharing any housework at all because I am on maternity

42 replies

Pumkins · 05/04/2018 07:36

Title says it all really and I am puzzled.

Before ot seems I slag him off out dc is now 10 weeks old, and he is a good dad. Wants to spend time with dd and has her few hours on his days off so I can go take care of my horse baby free and will take over a bit in the evening too + we started sharing night feeds so both of us can get a decent sleep (she only wakes 2 or 3 times).
However although I did agree it was easier for me to do more of the housework while he works, he's really taken a seat back lately. He stopped helping at all with any sterilising or even putting his dishes away. I am picking up affer him - clothes, dishes, wrapers he didnt bother putting in the bin. I do absolutely everything and the last drop has hit me as I gave him a laundry basket so I could toss a few of his clothes in with mine or the baby's. That was my only request of I was going to do his washing (the reason why I didnt before is a long story that began with the phrase "I never asked you to do it").
Well there is a mount everest of clothes less than a meter away from said basket, amongst with again dishes and food packaging. I know he will be asking with puppy eyes for a wash to be done when he runs out of things to wear and I will lose my shit.
I have already asked him nicely twice to sort it out but it doesnt seem to sink in.
That and the fact that I was really poorly for a day or two and he thougjt that takong the baby off me for a bit was enough help given, I can always catch up on the house when I feel better right?

So I need advice. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Been up since 4:30 obsessing over it. I pay my half of the bills and earn my own money. My maternity is to take care of the baby... feeling like I've been a little too nice about it and am getting a bum deal out of it now!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lweji · 05/04/2018 07:40

Make it clear that if he continues this way you'll leave him over the dishes in the sink.

Or insist he takes over as full time parent.

ememem84 · 05/04/2018 07:41

Nope. Dh also thought this I think. I pointed out that it’s “meternity” leave not “housework” leave.

Yes I’m home all day and yes I’ll do a bit more but that doesn’t mean everything.

TERFragetteCity · 05/04/2018 07:42

Stop doing his shit...stop tidying up after him. Just do yours and your child's stuff.

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Callamia · 05/04/2018 07:42

You know he’s trying it on. It’s disrespectful, lazy and immature. I have no idea how men can think they’re at all attractive to women when they make themselves into particularly lazy teenagers like this. Be clear with him, he’s being a dick.

Shutupanddance1 · 05/04/2018 07:44

Stop doing his washing, don’t cook for him, in fact I’d do sweet fuck all.
Why would you let someone demean you in such a way? Your not his maid! Pick up his food wrappers? Jesus wept!

At 10 weeks my DD wasn’t sleeping through the night and getting showered was a victory never mind the fucking dishes. My DH did his full time job and would come home and help out as much as he could. I tried to get things done during the day. Teamwork is 50/50. You didn’t make that baby alone and you shouldn’t be doing everything alone.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2018 07:46

Not only is he not sharing he is causing you more work it is unacceptable and needs stopping now

rollingonariver · 05/04/2018 07:49

This happened to most of my friends, it Defo didn't stop when they went back to work. Stop it now.

Passthecake30 · 05/04/2018 07:50

That happened to me to a lesser degree.
When I'm at work full time, dp cleans the kitchen and hoovers downstairs. When I was "off" on maternity leave (his words), he used the fact that I was at home all day to chill out a bit more. There was a couple of arguments... and then just some bitterness and a messy house until I went back to work.

rollingonariver · 05/04/2018 07:50

Then you have a baby, work and housework to do. It's much harder when they're toddlers too.

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2018 07:50

'Oh dear, I've got all these bottles to sterilise and the baby to look after, you'll have to do your own washing!' Would be my answer when the puppy dog eyes came out.

Aria2015 · 05/04/2018 08:00

I think during the first six months new mums need all the help they can get. Babies are incredibly demanding. As my baby got older and easier I was able to pick up extra at home but it's not like you're sitting around doing anything all day. People are paid to look after children, if were a nanny you'd be expected to look after the baby and be paid for it and doing all the house work would likely not be part of your job description!

mzcracker · 05/04/2018 08:02

Stop picking up after him. He's taking the piss!

PotteringAlong · 05/04/2018 08:05

So you get time off to go and spend with your horse what? 2? 3 times a week? How much free time is he getting?

isthismylifenow · 05/04/2018 08:07

Sounds so familiar OP. I had the exact same issue after ds was born. I also worked fulltime prior to maternity leave and most things were shared. The minute I was home, ex (note ex) stopped doing a thing. I had it out with him as I was a wreck, ds didn't sleep, was quite ill and I was frazzled. I had NO family around me and was honestly all on my own. So I asked him one night, 'what do you think that I do all day here' to which he replied 'oh you just sit on the couch watching tv and rocking ds' WTF. Yes rocking him to get him to sleep as he did not sleep. I think he thought fairies came in to all everything else that got done.

OP, put a stop to this now. It will carry on if you don't.

bertielab · 05/04/2018 08:10

Mine did this and his mother backed him up and had the nerve to suggest (post c section and with an ill newborn who didn’t sleep and I mean didn’t sleep) that I was a bad mother as I wasn’t making sure he had a meal on the table to come home to! I could hardly walk and ex spent all his time out with his hobbies expecting me to clean and look after him and then criticising me for ‘not earning’ I must admit I nipped it in the bud when I dumped the baby on him at 8 weeks and said I was going back to work (I earnt more!) and that he could look after baby, it lasted 4 hours before he begged me to swap - I had booked a hotel overnight, and told him to get his shit together over the weekend as he was now on maternity leave as I would be going back to work on the Monday.

I told him that after the weekend he would be taking over all housework as well as cooking for me etc and I would be out every evening doing my hobbies.

Looking after baby and yourself full time job - housework should be done by him. You are not a hotel.

WashYourPanda · 05/04/2018 08:11

There's not pulling his weight, and there is proactively making extra work for you.
He's crossed the line into the latter.

Lilonetwo · 05/04/2018 08:11

I agree with the previous poster. The first 6 months mother's need more help with housework. After 6 months I was able to do much more around the house.

DH doesn't expect dinner ready when he gets home from work, but I'm return I am able to make sure most of the housework is done and toddler is looked after.

You absolutely need your DH to step up right now while your baby is still waking for night feeds and is so tiny.

Give him one job to do consistently so he is clear of 'his job'. Maybe his job can be to fold and put away the laundry everyday as well as hoover the upstairs once per week?

mindutopia · 05/04/2018 08:12

When you’re home on your own, you’ll be doing everything, just like he is at his job. But when you’re both home, it should be shared. I’m on mat leave with our 2nd (older one is 5) and he is 6 weeks. My dh does all the washing up, about half the cooking (depending on if I’m feeding ds), does a share of cleaning and does the morning school run (I do the afternoon one). I do some cleaning when I’m home and all the meal planning and food shopping and I do all the clothes washing except his (so for myself and 2 dc plus towels and sheets). He also does bathtime and bedtime with our older one as I’m feeding baby usually at that time. When you’re home, everyone should be helping sand no one should be sitting around on their bum doing nothing.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 08:20

My dh did most of the cooking and cleaning when ds was ten weeks. I fed the baby, did basics, took baby to groups and for walks and napped as baby was a total non sleeper. Maternity leave is for caring for the baby at that age. I hope to be less useless with the house keeping second time around but he is still going to do a fair amount.

Cantthinkofanoriginalname1 · 05/04/2018 08:38

Is everyone reading a different post to me?
Your DP works full time , shares the night feeds , takes over in the evening , has the baby when he's not at work so you can go riding but you are moaning because he hasn't sorted out his washing?

PotteringAlong · 05/04/2018 08:42

cantthink no, you’re reading the same thread as me. I asked about how much free time he was getting whilst the OP is off with her horse up thread and everyone has conveniently ignored it...!

MonkeyPoke · 05/04/2018 08:43

Get a cleaner if you can't be bothered to do it, your husband has a full time job and already helps with the night feeds and looks after the baby (like you do) in his time off so you can ride, what hobbies does he get or does he just have to work?

My second is a similar age to yours, my other one nearly 4 and I too have a horse and it's quite simple to do everyone's laundry together without it impinging on my rights as a woman 🙄 I would not expect him to do any housework as he works long days and also he is very inefficient at loading the dishwasher 😂

dementedpixie · 05/04/2018 08:48

There's a difference between not helping and making mess for the sake of it. If he is leaving washing on the floor instead of in the washing basket or leaving wrappers and plates about rather than putting stuff in the bin or taking things to the kitchen then he is creating more work. Why should OP have to do that sort of clearing up after him?

crimsonlake · 05/04/2018 08:52

He sounds like a totally useless partner and I would get rid of him. Seriously, he works full time and helps out a lot and it is still not enough??

himalayansalt · 05/04/2018 09:05

PotteringAlong and Can'tthinkof - you have both conveniently skimmed past the part where op's partner cannot even be bothered to pick up after himself, throw his rubbish away or put his own laundry in a basket that op bought him, let alone sort it. And for some reason you think he sounds like a catch do you?

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