What do you do when you’re child doesn’t want to attend football/ swimming etc clubs

[Nevertimeforcake]

Have just pushed my 4 nearly 5 yr dd out the door in floods of tears because she didn’t want to go (and/or wanted mummy to come to) Rugby tots this week. Most weeks she enjoys it and like many clubs we pay in advance and it’s not cheap. She goes with dad as it involves parental assistance with throwing etc (not my forte) and therefore I’m still in my jimjams holding screaming toddler who wants to go to rugby tots 😬 Am I right to make her go? She’s not ill just a bit off this morning after busy day yesterday. Plus it was cancelled last week so maybe the break has made her more anxious. What do other parents do when their kids get cold feet about clubs they usually enjoy?

Let her stay home and if she is not keen, cancel future sessions and cut your losses.

it is meant to be about exploring different sports and hobbies, and aiming to help them find what their passions are.

If they don't want to go then they don't have to. My older two had hobbies that came and went at that age and that was fine.

Sometimes you lose money.

You should have let her stay at home. If she had a busy day yesterday and will presumably be at school/nursery tomorrow she should be able to have some chill out time at home. I really don't understand this obsession some parents have with filling their kids days with activities, several of my friends do it and civilised their dc just end up knackered and grumpy.

If I've paid for a term they go unless they're ill, but on the understanding I won't pay for next term. I won't make them carry on with something they hate, but I do always ask them before signing them up for anything. So they are clear it's their choice, and their commitment.

One sticks with activities, the other swops around each term - both approaches are fine with me.

Dont push it. If she doesnt want to go then cancel. She will find something shell enjoy.

We've had dinner major issues with DS (5) since he was 3-4. I'd be inclined to let him quit but DH feels strongly that he doesn't get to decide. For our DS, I think it's the right move and the last few weeks he's actually been buzzing after football. We have stopped most other stuff he was signed up for and are doing the bare min (1 sport) to stop him getting left behind but if he could decide, he'd do literally nothing. Ever. And indulging him in these things we've found is a mistake. We had hell with a previous sport his childminder brought him to and so eventually I took time off work each week to go with him and discovered the coach was very shouty and critical. So I understand where the fear came from there. I didn't let him quit but did sit in with him till the last session and talk him through dealing with the coach. It's hard to see them upset and easy to say just quit but it's very easy for kids these days to dictate too much. I try to see doing one activity (not lots of clubs etc) as compulsory like school.

Good luck. Lots of handholding, support, treat after and chats before might do the trick. But do remember that a lot of kids would choose TV at home over going to an activity.

My nearly 4yo has gone through a stage of not wanting to go to swimming & rugby.

The rule (so far) is if we've paid for the class, he's expected to go. He can sit on the side and watch but he has to attend. We so far have 100% success at him forgetting and just getting stuck in when he's there

While I won't force DS to participate, he wont be allowed to stay home & play as a reward for refusing to go.

When he was about 7, my Ds refused to keep going to gymnastics even though it was him that asked me to put him in it. He was half way through the year, and doing well, but after two sessions spent largely arguing in the car saying he did not want to go,we stopped pushing it, and he ended up deciding to play football and loved it. His younger brother lost interest in hockey after the first season and ended up deciding on football also.
It is frustrating when you have paid fees and organised things around it, and stressful when they get themselves all upset over it. You could look into dance/ sports/ music that have a free trial sessions.

Probably not a popular opinion but I'm astounded that some think that a 4/5 year old is mature enough to understand what a financial commitment is , and also that they get the concept of a term of commitment in general.

Small children don't have the capacity to cope with these concepts , therefore it is unfair to push them to attend.

If my children have chosen to attend and we have committed to an activity, I expect them to attend and give it a good go before they decide it isn’t for them. If your child is part of a team or taking part in a show for instance, I see it as pretty bad form to drop out and let other members down. Once they have finished the current term/taken their exam/completed a show etc, whatever it may be, if they decide an activity isn’t for them they can absolutely quit, all of us knowing they gave it a good effort. A little harder for a younger child to comprehend, but I don’t think showing a child that they can quit something or walk in and out as they please is a great life lesson.

Swimming was the only non-negotiable activity in our house. I really regret not having learnt as a child and didn't want dd to end up in a similar position. She hated it, but got there in the end and now agrees that it was worth it.

Other activities were down to dd's personal choice, and I didn't have any expectations about what she should or shouldn't do. However, if she asked to do something, I did expect her to attend - I don't think 4/5 is too young to start learning about commitment at all. As it happened, we never really had an issue as dd always loved her activities (still does!). If it had been a problem, I'd have let her miss stuff if she didn't fancy it, on the understanding that I wouldn't be paying for any further sessions.

Agreed, swimming is non negotiable here too. Luckily they love it.

Does she enjoy it when she gets there? Both my DC had an infuriating habit of refusing something, and then later being distraught that they had missed it. Once I put my wailing 3yo child directly into the swimming pool, amid gasps and outraged looks from other parents, because the previous week she had sat on the side for half an hour, and as soon as she had decided to get in it was time to get out, and we had hysterics all the way home. So I decided not to faff, and she was perfectly happy once she was in.

I have a relaxed view to everything except swimming. Swimming is non-negotiable.

My 5 year old has reused all classes until recently when he’s had piano lessons (but at home so he doesn’t have to go somewhere!). Swimming would be non negotiable for me too but he was so hysterical each time we tried there was no negotiating. I’m going to try again with swimming soon but the rest I’m not bothering around. Yes there were things that we had to pay for upfront and we lost money so I learned the hard way. Kids these days have far too many extra classes, If they don’t want to go try your best for a few weeks but give up if it’s making everyone miserable.

Very relaxed here. If it’s not required by school and they’re not letting anyone down by non attendance then it’s not compulsory. Most of the time these activities are done for the parents’ benefit - and I’ve been that parent. I can’t see many 3yos desperate to sign up for rugby tots without someone putting the idea in their head.

@Brokenbiscuit , I agree that 4/5 is a good age to learn about commitment, but there are gentler ways of doing it. For example you could get a low maintenance pet and support your child in remembering to feed it and clean the habitat.

@MagicFajita Well, children differ. Mine understood ‘if you want to do ballet you have to go every single week until Christmas, are you sure you want to do that?’ aged 3 or 4. I agree their concept of time is a bit shaky at that age, but I think it’s important to encourage keeping going when things are hard, learning that getting through something tricky can mean you get to the fun bit etc. Plus also that trying something, deciding you don’t like it, and then trying something else is fine, and not a problem or a failure. All good things to learn.

But Magic, not everyone wants pets, and some people can't have them.

You say there are gentler ways of teaching commitment, but actually, there is nothing particularly harsh in saying to a child that either they need to turn up to an activity when well enough to do so or give that activity up if they don't enjoy it enough to attend regularly. Allowing them to just go when they feel like it and stay at home when they don't is just teaching them to be flaky tbh.

It depends. When they were younger I was more relaxed because it was my decision to send them and they’re too young to fully understand.

Now they’re older I’m more strict unless I have a feeling they are ill or are very tired.

Now they’re older I’m more strict unless I have a feeling they are ill or are very tired.

Interesting. If anything, I'm more relaxed about this stuff now that dd is older, because I feel that she has proven her commitment and wouldn't skip activities lightly. Consequently, I'm far more likely to leave the decision in her hands - unless she's really ill, in which case I'll sometimes have to put my foot down and tell her she can't go!

I agree with a lot of posters on here. Swimming is non-negotiable as it’s an important life skill. Also they both enjoy it once they’re in the pool, they just don’t like all the getting changed before and after. DD has now stopped as she can swim very well, and DS knows he has to carry on until he reaches the same level.

All other activities they have chosen and they commit to a term at a term. If they ever say they don’t want to go then I tell them they have to finish the term and we can discuss at renewal. For some activities, they then renew as they realise they do enjoy it, for others they have dropped.

It’s not just the financial commitment, it’s being part of a team, not letting the teacher down, not giving up on something you’ve conmitted to. Additionally, some of the clubs have limited spaces and waiting lists, it is unfair to take a much-wanted place and then fail to turn up.

It’s not just the financial commitment, it’s being part of a team, not letting the teacher down, not giving up on something you’ve conmitted to. Additionally, some of the clubs have limited spaces and waiting lists, it is unfair to take a much-wanted place and then fail to turn up.

Exactly!

It depends. When they were younger I was more relaxed because it was my decision to send them and they’re too young to fully understand.

Now they’re older I’m more strict unless I have a feeling they are ill or are very tired.

Same as believeitornot. At 4 to 5 years old I wouldn't push it. There could be lots of factors, like another child who has been mean to her? Could you get a partial refund on the Rugby Tots classes?

When DS was 7 years old he started not liking and outright refusing to go to swimming lessons in the middle of a term. We kept on until the term finished and found a different pool for him the following term. The pool is warmer and nicer (glass walls and sunlight coming in) with somewhat better changing facilities (previous pool had no cubicles for changing privately), although the lessons are less structured as it's instructors that work with the pool & gym and not a formal swimming school with certificates and levels (we would have preferred the previous 'proper' swimming school on this).

But DS has no problems now with going; he enjoys being in the water anyway, like others said it's all the faff of changing before and after; and he's doing great with butterfly, which he initially hated learning.