Potty training hell with almost 3 yr old

[WhoAteAllthePercyPigs]

Hi all. I hope someone can help as am feeling a bit desperate!

So we are on day one of potty training DD (2 years and 8 months). I've been putting it off as I had DS four months ago, plus before that I just didn't feel she was ready or had the necessary level of understanding. Anyway. I read a book (Oh Crap if anyone's interested) and planned the date in advance. I felt very ready...but day one has been an absolute disaster!! DD pissing all over the floor and refusing to get it or just not understanding. I have tried so hard to be patient (not easy with a baby to look after and being sleep deprived) but in the end both me and DH lost it at her...and then each other. He blames me for not talking him through it more. I'm angry because I've been talking about little else for ages, shared the book with him ages ago, urged him to at least read the one page cheat sheet for dad's...and he hasn't. I feel like it's all been on me and he hasn't any right to have a go at me.

Basically I'm wondering what to do now. I really don't want to back down as the book strongly advises not to...but I just don't think i can take another day of this! I don't know if she's resisting because she understands but just doesn't want to, or she doesn't actually understand? In which case that's a whole other set of problems as I would have thought at almost 3, she'd be getting it.

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent and just so ashamed for losing my cool. Terrified we've traumatised her about it.

Any tips or advice for where next would be hugely appreciated! TIA.

You're both angry and frustrated and that's going to have an effect on your DD's emotional state, which will in turn affect how well she takes to what is a massive change for little ones.

Ignore the book. Fuck the book. She isn't ready yet. She will get there in her own time, and it'll be much easier if you introduce the potty/toilet as a thing, a place where big girls do their wees and poos, and wait for her to ask. We tried to force it with DD not long before she was 3, ended up shouting and crying (yep, all of us).

Waited 6 months, she was 3 years 3 months, asked to go to the toilet one day and she hasn't had an accident since, she'll be 4 next month, she just sorts herself out on the toilet without a problem. Night dry within two weeks (although that's a hormonal thing and can't be trained).

All these books and nonsense about "don't back down"... potty training isn't supposed to be a fight with a three year old that you don't back down from; you're guiding them through a massive change in routine and a brand new learning curve. Take your lead from your DD.

Back off. If you're making it a battle/struggling to manage to with your baby/taking it personally now is not the time.
Every kid gets it at a different age, don't compare her to others or expect her to understand (she may not understand, she may understand but not care or think that nappies are better and your silly - both are fine)
Back off - wait until she's showing signs of readiness - talking about being wet ect
Take her to buy choose some big girl underwear in a few weeks (when the emotion is died down and things are calmer) and start talking about how you pee in the toilet and letting her watch.
Let her do it when she wants to do it, not when you think she should.

And you are absolutely not a failure as a parent. Talk to your DH and make a plan. Don't bother with the "cheat sheet for Dads" or anything like that, just agree that you'll both encourage her to see the potty/toilet as the right place for wees and poos, you'll help her learn and you'll wait until she's ready.

Firstly it depresses me theres a one page cheat sheet for dads.

Secondly, I stopped at this age when my dd wasn’t getting it. I waited a few more months, the day after her 3rd birthday actually, and she wad potty trained in a day and has never had an accident. 3 months later she was fully toilet trained too sk the potty is in the garage until her brother needs it.

I would say how is she 'nearly three' rather than just over two and a half

I don't get this thing about "not backing off". Just try again later, what's the problem? I read a book with a similarly rigid stance and it didn't help at all.
That said, it seems like you've only tried for one day? That's not enough to give up imo, I'd stick at it for at least another two days. You can't expect her to get the hang of it in only one day.

We tried with DS at 2.5, he had accidents 3 times a day. It was miserable.

Stopped and tried again at just turned 3. He got it straight away and was pretty much dry from that day on.

Ah, I could have written your post a few years ago.
It sounds like she's not ready yet. After struggling with my first DD, I realised that it doesn't matter what you do (or don't do) - if they are not mentally and physically ready to potty train, there is no point persevering.

I would wait a couple of weeks and try again.

After about 3 attempts like this, my DD pretty much trained herself in a few days. She was just over 3 years old. Never had an accident day or night since.
My second DD was much more 'compliant' and would sit on the potty for me from the age of 2.5. I was initially relieved that she was going to be easier than my first DD. Well she is just 4 now and STILL can't always get to the loo before wetting herself!

So try not to get stressed about it all. There is such a huge range in potty training ages. Looking back, my elder DD was so much easier, but it certainly didn't feel like it at the time!

OP, Ive already replied to this but really need to reinforce the statement that the book doesn’t know your child. You do. She won’t be in nappies for ever. Even if she doesn’t want to potty train because she doesn’t want to potty train then thats a good enough reason to back off until she wants to. There’s no real reason to rush this.

The book, whatever it is, its just someone’s attempt to make money. It isn’t actually real life.

My DS was 3 and a half before he 'got it'. I tried for one day every other month for a year up till then. Don't put pressure on her, you'll make it a scary thing.

She's not ready. leave it a few weeks then try again.

My DS has just potty trained at 3 and a half, tried and failed a couple of times before then as he wasn't ready, and then on the 3rd attempt he just was. So listen to what your child needs and not just a book. Both parents 'Loosing it at her' on day 1 of potty training won't help, it's nobody's fault, especially not hers, but I'd say it's better to give it up for the day than loose your temper at her. But try not to stress too much, she will get it at some point and I'm sure you won't have traumatised her, she might just need a little longer

OP I feel your pain. We're on day 2 using the same book. Yesterday was my turn and yes lots of accidents but DS loves the idea of pants. Day 2 and DH is in charge but decided he didn't need to actually read the book as I'd told him enough 😠 It did not go well so he's pissed off with me. And it's my birthday!
If you can face it then try for another day to see how it goes. One day is really not a long time to learn a whole new skill.

She's not ready.
2.8 is pretty young to be training unless she's telling you she's done with nappies.
I've got 4dc and trained them at around 3. Except one who took her nappy off at 2.5 and never put it back on.
Try and relax about it (and not listen to others who talk crap!) it may seem like a big thing now but in the grand scheme of things it's not.

I posted about my struggles with DD on another thread, but here goes.
OP, I know you feel like a failure now but you aren't. Toilet training is very hard emotionally for you, your DH and DD and physically for your poor flooring.

We tried with DD since last summer when she was 2.5 but wasn't ready. She turbed 3 in Feb and I couldn't manage the constant picking from family and other people. DD has speech delay and asc so she was going to struggle.
I got this from a childminder, explain big girl knickers and wee, then set a timer for every half an hour. Sit her on with peppa or someone on a phone or laptop. It worked for us and I tried everything to get her to wee on the toilet. We have been going 4 weeks and she is starting to ask to go, doing a poo on the toilet, hit and miss. I still take her every hour. Another thing the childminder said was, don't say, "now do a wee" say it's toilet time. Apparently being made to wee stresses kids out.

If you aren't keen on tech try bubbles or books and stickers. Not only for after as a reward, but stick on anything, loo roll, you, her.

Alternatively, I know a woman who used huggies pull ups to train, her DD thought they were real pants and there was a lot less mess. They have a wetness thing.

Good luck op!! Leave it a week if you think your DD is suffering.

Plus, I have found it goes in fits and starts. Yesterday was our worst day ever with 5 accidents. Today was the best with both asking for a poo and performing it at nursery and no accidents. The mental world of toilet training.

She isn't ready. You will do more harm
Than good forcing it. You have plenty of time still

Oh wow I didn't expect so many replies! Thank you all so much! I'm feeling tearful but in a good way!

You are all so right. My gut instinct is not to force it but the book said that you have to stick to your guns, that the ideal age for PT is between 20 and 30 months (and it's clear she is massively in favour of doing it even earlier) and that leaving it until after 3 will cause BIG, life long problems. Suffice to say, she put the fear into me! My friend used the same book and was singing its praises.

What I didn't mention is that DH is going away tomorrow, just for the day but it's a 7am till 10pm thing. So the thought of another day like today - on my own with two DC - actually makes me feel sick. I don't think I have - no, I know I don't - the stamina to see it through. So I am wondering just to stop. But you're right, one day isn't enough.

I know you might be thinking 'So why do it this weekend?' Well because it was the only clear one we had and I really didn't think it was going to be this hard i guess! Lesson learnt

Thanks again all of you. The book was making me feel like a freak for doing it so late, it's helpful to know I am not alone.

Op, I'm a huge fan of Oh Crap but it's not going to work if you're stressed because you'll be passing on the tension. I know you know it's all about calm so if your DH isn't on board, then you either need to do it yourself or wait for now. I know it's not easy, I did it with a newborn as well!!

She's not necessarily going to get it on day 1 but are you following the book as much as possible- moving her to the potty every time she wees saying hold it? Because that's pretty much what day 1 is. You might get lucky with the odd time getting a wee when you notice she needs it but otherwise it's about you figuring out the sign that she's about to wee and teaching her to move to the potty when she feels it.

But if it's causing this much stress you need to leave it for now. She's not going to get it unless the atmosphere changes. It's tough but whenever you do it, you really do have to paint a calm face on, even if you don't feel it!

Back off, make a plan!

My dd has just potty trained this week, this was attempt 3.

The first 2 attempts were diasterous, puddles, defiance, and I didn't feel that she fully understood what she was meant to be feeling and doing.

She is 2 years 9 months now and it has been 6 days and it's done pretty much.

I stopped and evaluated what worked and what didn't and came up with his,

• some form of incentive. (This dd wasn't inspired by chocolate so we got some small busy book toys of her favourite shows)
• some sort of sign she understood her own body. She only pooed when alone and would often leave games etc and disappear and was totally dry at night , she also was asking to have nappy changed straight after weeing.
• I had a plan for out and about (travel potty sorted and had plenty of leggings and pants organised)

So plan in place we started when she next showed any sort of interest. Last weekend she saw the toilet training seat and wanted to try it. (Potties in bathroom for months, but not the seat).
So I got the treat toys out and explained how to get them, let her see and play with them for 5 minutes whilst sitting on the toilet.
She is a determined witholder and after 13 hours of no weeing! I was close to breaking, then suddenly she weed on the toilet (we were offering it periodically). Made such a fuss and got a prize.
The next few days were a mixture of puddles and prizes. Today is day 6 and we have had no accidents, she has taken herself to the toilet and she now has such an understanding of how her body works she has managed to squeeze out 7 small wees to get maximum prizes!

Sorry, this turned into a kind of wee diary! But I guess I'm saying last Friday I was in a pit of doom about potty training. Then 6 days later all change.

Give yourself a break and regroup. Then plan and go for it with massive positivity. (These bloody prizes have been shown to everyone under the sun this week, I never allow toys out of the house, but because she is feeling proud of them I allowed this, to keep the positivity going)

@teaandbiscuits yeah we were doing everything the book says - but everytime she peed it was too late! The final straw came when she peed in a corner - and came to point it out to us. It was just too much. I don't think that approach of trying to whisk her on the potty is going to work for us. I know the book is against it but I think we will do the put her on the potty every half hour thing.

Poor thing is wailing upstairs as DH puts her to bed. I feel so bad.

I tried so hard to be positive and upbeat and cool about it. I really did. But a day of it on my own was just too much, and some time between the 4th and 5th missed wee, I could feel myself giving up hope...

Definitely don't start again tomorrow. You all need a break.

I know it doesn't seem like it but weeing in the corner and then telling you is actually huge progress from where she was when you started this morning. She knows she wants privacy and she knows when she's weed. So you have achieved something today!

Forget about it for a little while and get the wine out!

It’s so much easier and quicker when they are properly ready and interested. I would wait or take it very slowly, just aim for the odd attempt on the potty at home as she gets used to it. Especially as you have a baby and enough on your plate. We had several potties around the house, encouraged trying the toilet and lots of nappy free time at home in warmer months. No big pressure. Eventually something clicked and that was it, no accidents.

A good test to see if your daughters bladder is ready. She needs to be at the stage where she is dry for at least 90 mins -2 hrs at a time between wees, but this can be hard to detect when they are in nappies. So Put some folded up kitchen roll in the nappy and check it every 20/30 mins to see how long she is going between. If there’s a constant or frequent dribble then her bladder is not mature enough and not ready to be easily toilet trained. But if the paper stays dry for the longer period, then you can have more confidence that she is ready.

Well first of your DH needs to read the book! Or at least be consistent and not a twat
Secondly I trained both at 2.5 years because they were ready. My strong belief is each child does potty training at the time of their choosing. I would give it one more day - if there is the same level of mess then stop and try again in a few months

Oh and just to add, I used choc buttons as a treat. Neither of them get a treat now for a wee..