Don't we have to give our children some freedom sometimes?

[Blandmum]

This really isn't meant to be an inflamatory post. I don't want this to become a slanging match.

Although it has been prompted by the dreadful case of the poor child abducted in Portugal, it isn't a thread about that awful situation.

There but for the grace of god, is my feeling an that thread.

Last holiday we went to a large campsite. My kids loved the extra freedom that we gave them. They were allowed to cycle without us, and were even allowed to go to the on site shop in the morning to buy breakfast! I'm not exagerating in saying that for them , this was the best bit of the holiday. It was ggod for them

They are 10 and 7. They could have been snatched at any time. Thank god they were not. I was nervous doing this, but felt that while I have a duty to keep my kids safe, I also have a duty to give them some freedom. they need frerdom to develop. And some times that means being without adult supervision.

At thei age I was walking to school alone. They hardly have an unsupervised moment.

How to we square this circle?

Please I'd love thoughts, but not a rehash of the awfulness of the current case.

I agree they need freedom, but I have a horrible feeling in my stomach till my children are back in sight...6 and 9.
My idea of giving them freedom, at the moment, is letting them go to the shop part of the post office when I am in the Post Office

I agree MB
I remember the first time I let my eldest two walk to school on their own - we live in a village BTW - I was still not convinced that it was a good idea until my DH said "when are they ever going to learn how to 1. cross the road and 2. face any potential danger."

I completely agree. My children need to learn to negotiate the outside world. Will be back as it's lunchtime, but I share your dilemma! x

I agree with the Toxic Childhood woman. That we need to engender trust in communities by all agreeing to look out for each other's kids. I'm happy for my DD (once she's say 7) to walk down the street with a friend to the park, so long as I know where she is. Because I know that other parents are around and we all watch out for the kids.

I think the world is a different place today, tbh. and also is coloured by the area you grew up in, and where your children are growing up.
but do agree with you - was quite surprised to still see year 4,5,6 students being walked to school by their mums/dads/carers at first, is unheard of where I'm from

Yes. I feel very strongly about this but I can't say at the moment (ds is only a baby) whether I'll be brave enough to allow it.

The problem is that there is a certain safety in numbers - if ds grows up to have friends who don't ever play out alone it won't be safe for him to iyswim.

My friends and I had a huge amount of freedom growing up and it makes me very sad to think that my children may not experience that.

I agree MB.
We have been camping the past couple of years and one of the highlights is giving my dc a bit of freedom and independence.
I feel a bit uncomfortable about allowing them to rush off out of my sight but think we take risks everyday.
I do think their lives are so much more restricted than previous generations and feel it is sad.

That was the reason it was safer than. We all went out unsupervised. Even me and I was an Uber nerd. And because there were loads of kids in the park there was safety in numbers. There were some rather odd men that out Mums had warned us about. And when they pitched up in the park we would all yell 'Funny man' and they would run away. When I walked to school there were loads of kids doing it, we would walk together. My mum was looking out of her window, as were all the other mums.

It kept us safe and gave us the freedom we needed to be kids.

I agree completely, mb - the biggest danger kids face these days is from traffic, so IMO how much freedom they're allowed, and at what age, depends on where you live and how sensible they are.

They have to be allowed responsibility for themselves and they do love it.

I agree, it's such a hard think for a mother to get a perspective on though isn't it.

A child was snatched a while ago from her own bath, awful awful things could happen anywhere. But they usually don't. Child abductions are thankfully unusual, but they're everyones darkest nightmare.

The other thread, which to be honest i can't even read much of, highlights how responsible we feel and how harshly we judge other parents.

Kids do need space and freedom - my happiest memories are of building dens in the woods with friends, totally unsupervised for hours and hours - when i was seven. I don't think the threat of abduction was any smaller than it is now.

My girls are still very little, so i really can't say how i'll feel, but i hope i'll feel confident to let them have space.

We've built a log cabin in the garden so we can encourage DD (when she's old enough) to have sleepovers with her friends and 'adventures' closer to home. But I do think it's vital to let them know you trust them to walk down the street (even if you are following them and hiding behind cars)

I totally agree MB, but it's so scary isn't it. The idea of ds1 crossing a road, or being confronted with a dangerous situation and me NOT being there is awful. But then how will they ever learn how to cope.

MB - I feel the same. We go to the Greek mountains - not a tourist in sight (apart form us) the kids have so much freedom. They go to bed around midnight and we often sit in the taverna chatting. The Taverna is a 2 min walk away. the kdis know where we are. they are 13,11,10,8 - and we have been going here for 4 years. In the monrings they often wander down to the square and get breakfast.

I am very aware theat they ned to be watching out for each other though. I would not let the youngest two go alone. or if they wake and we are not there they are to wake their older brother to come and get us etc etc.

They love the feedom - they spend days playing with their greek mates while we sit around chatting and eating.

I do worry more now though but I want them to have this freedom

I agree too - as parents we make judgements as to how much freedom to give our children and only we can make that decision and it is nobody elses business to judge us.

Children are so different - one 8 year old might be trusted to walk to school another might not.

Sometime we get our judgements wrong - I do but we all learn and move on.

I'm with you on this MB. My DS's are 7 and 10 and they both play out on the green-opposite my house unattended for hours during the summer. There are lots of kids out there and I always feel that there's safety in numbers. I can always see them from the window and they are in and out of the house constantly.
My 10 year old also walks home from school which involves a very busy road, but the pride he felt the first time I let him do it was amazing. It was like he'd grown 2 foot taller.
But I never really relax until I see him coming round the corner.
There is a fine line between letting them "grow" and being over protective.
I was walking home from school at 8 but that seems far too young to me now.
This dreadful situation in Portugal has I suspect made lots of parents scrutinise their decisions and I have to say-were they girls I don't think I'd be quite so relxed about it.

I agree too MB. I think it is all about looking out for each other in the community.
I have a real problem with letting them out of my sight anywhere crowded or overgrown and get quite panicky if I lose visual contact for even a minute. But I do recognise it's my irrationality and I am fine about them being supervised by other adults eg on school trips and so on.
Rationally I think it is very important indeed for children to evolve into independent, sensible, alert little people.
I am just so convinced that having lost one child I will stupidly lose another I am responsible for that it is a constant struggle for rationality to triumph. Work in progress I think.

I absolutely agree. Mine (7 and 9) have a fair degree of freedom - they play in the street, and go down to the field to play; when we are on holiday (camping and similar) they go off and play, and at grandma's go to the cornershop alone.

But they still feel nervous about further freedom. Today I was in town shopping with ds1 (10 this summer); we were in Boots and there was a long queue, and I suggested he could go on over to WHS (c.100 yards down the street/round the corner) and I'd meet him there; but he chose to wait with me.

Absolutely agree with you MB - it is vital that they learn how to engage with the real world but it is a bugger sometimes letting go!

My DCs are 7 and almost 9, and we have started letting them have small amounts of freedom.

Our summer holiday last year in Mauritius was in a complex which seemed relatively safe and secure (security staff on all entrances to the resort and overseeing pools and two on the beach) so we let them have small bits of freedom. They were allowed to go to the hotel shop by themselves (and sign for it, which they thought was the best thing of all), they could take themselves off to the children's club if they wished and if they wanted to go to one of their friends rooms then we phoned to tell the parents that they were en route, and the other parents would ring to tell us they had arrived safely.

We let them walk across roads by themselves, with us lingering and following behind. Judging traffic speeds and using crossings is such a vital skill I believe.

In parks etc now, they can go and play which we sit and have a coffee at the cafe watching them.

My biggest 'letting go' thing was recently in M&S when they wanted to go and pick up something they had seen upstairs while I waited for them in the food hall. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life, I tell you but they were so happy with themselves. They knew where I would be waiting for them, they know to approach a member of staff if they are worried for any reason, to stick together and to scream, holler and shout for help if anything spooks them at all.

I've also started my eldest in Judo lessons and I will extend that to other martial arts as necessary - she is tall, blond with legs up to her armpits and she is going to have to know how to handle herself at times, so I want to give her the skills to do so. DS will start next year too.

Growing up is tough, really tough for them, but it is excruciating at times for us, as parents, too!

Roisin - I think you son sounds brilliant. He had an option to exercise his freedom but obviously wasn't happy with it so chose not to exert it. Well done you - sounds like some sound parenting - do you want to come around mine?!

i agree children need freedom, i had a lovely childhood roaming all over the place (i stayed in a tiny quiet village) and i really hope i can give my daughters some of that experience but to be truthfull it scares the s**t out of me. they are still pretty young 5&3 but i cant see anytime when i will find it in me to let them wander away from the front/back garden.

if someone really did want to snatch a child then i know its still possible to do it from the childs garden (even the childs bath/bed) but i think i will really struggle to give me kids the same kind of freedom that i had.

i read the kevin wells book (about soham) the other week and it just broke my heart, i want to do everything i can to protect my dds but i think i risk suffocating them.

I totally totally agree with you MB - my DSs are the same age as yours. As soon as I heard about the Algarve case my second thought (after feeling awful for them), was 'bang goes children's freedom for a while'. I loathe the way the newspapers leap on cases like this and make everyone neurotic.

I feel it is more important to give my kids freedom and independence than to keep them absolutely safe at all times.

And sometimes I do think, crikey would I be lynched if something went wrong.

IN the last 6 months the dds have been given a lot more freedom.

dd1 (10) goes to our town centre with a friend. She has been swimming with a friend to local pool. She goes to library with friend.

dd2 (8) goes to library with friends.

Both of them go to nearby park and small nearby woods with friends. All around our estate. They have done this since age 7.

when we go to in-laws caravan site they go off all round the site, all day.

agree MB. We cannot live our lives as if disaster is imminent at any moment.Otherwise what is the point?