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Parenting

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Original poster

HELP MIL is causing a rift in my relationship but I don't think I am being unreasonable

33 replies

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 12:04

Aibu for not wanting to build a relationship with my mil?

Directly after the birth of my first 2 babies (only 17 months apart) my mil gave me a really hard time telling me directly that she managed 5 in 7.5 years and she was on her own a lot, she never looked for help.... I really struggled with bf my 1st and she gave me constant grief saying he was starving....you get the drift, hard work. I really lacked confidence at this point in my life and I felt she destroyed my self esteem with her judgemental brashness. I was too vulnerable to hear it. She also said worse things about me behind my back, which I actually found more upsetting than the horrible things she said to my face.

In the end my dh's siblings told her in no uncertain terms she was out of line and she did apologise, I accepted the apology but to be honest I have not forgiven her. An apology (although noble) actually doesn't change what she thinks of me. She is sorry I found out, she is sorry I was upset but mostly she is sorry that the people she loves felt she was a bad person for saying it.

Although I struggled my adapting to motherhood, I have 3 lovely well behaved children. I am a software developer and the main bread winner in my house, i could earn more money but I want to pick them up from childcare care at 4pm every day and I don't want to travel. I am proud my children see me have a career in a traditionally male dominated field. Part of me is sad I am not the warm fluffy mother who always knows what is wrong with her babies and how to fix it. Dh is much better at that stuff.

My mil and her dh (a saintly man who passed away many years ago) owned a country house they ran as a beautiful b&b in Warwickshire. Said house requires a lot of constant maintenance to keep running and it is hard to find the tradesmen who a) can put up with her demands b) don't rip her off as she doesn't understand the job/ pricing and basically there are some bad people out there who take advantage of the older generation.

Mil wants us to drive 2.5 hours to see her and for my dh to manage the work on her house and I just can't be bothered. Harsh I know, but I end up managing 3 children under 4, in a house that is precious and not baby proofed. When I needed mil in those early days she literally never helped us, she even used to come to London and not visit us. She used to stay with her daughter and expect us to drive over to see her with 3 under 3 at the time. Dh says I need to move on (he has) but I think it is enough that I am pleasant to her, i have never made access to her grandkids hard I have never bad mouthed her to anyone she knows. I have cooked her favourite foods when she visits I have made cards with the kids etc i draw the line at spending my whole weekend managing her unmanageable house. Why can't one of her "preferred" children do it? The ones she visited and helped.

OP posts:

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ILoveMyFrenchie · 04/03/2018 12:20

Wow, you have the patience of a saint!

Is there anyway your husband can go without you and the children? Obviously it's not ideal but at least it is meeting in the middle. I agree with sending one of the preferred children but it might make an awkward conversation for your husband to make to his siblings. Perhaps he can tell her whilst he is there that it's better for one of the others to come next time as he needs to be at home for you.

I have a strange relationship with my in laws also and received a fair share of judgy comments when I had my baby so I can relate to the first part and there were times I felt my partner did not stick up for our feelings or decisions (just moaning in the car on the way home saying he will say something next time.... which he never does)

I think for the love of your husband you will need to compromise with that judgmental witch or you will end up the one being unfair.... however you need to explain the extent of how you're feeling to your husband and outline why.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/03/2018 12:24

Send her a link to ChecK A Trader and leave her to it. Your dh has a family to support and she has the cash to pay for the work done. Cf mil!!

Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 12:42

To be honest 3 under 4 is hard work for one adult. So I don't want to mind them alone. I have said to him he can take them all but he isn't brave enough.

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Iloveacurry · 04/03/2018 12:45

Can’t your DH just go up by himself?

SomeKnobend · 04/03/2018 12:46

Yanbu, you can say no.

Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 13:28

Sorry to put more context around me not wanting him to go up alone. He works abroad one week in four and works well into the evening in the week. I do all pick ups and most drop offs, I don't want to do weekends so he can visit his mother and work like a dog when he is there. Then once he back he has to be the go between tradesman to her because she can't communicate the problem and gets their back up by being rude. We are talking about a house from 1890 that has been lovingly restored but like an old car is always breaking.

Her dd told her she should sell it and down size. Which to be fair is the best advice.

OP posts:

mintich · 04/03/2018 13:30

Apart from the deceased father in law, I could have sworn you were talking about my mother in law!!

Makingworkwork · 04/03/2018 13:32

I think you need to separate the issues, you don’t really want a relationship with your mother in law and the going at the weekend to sort out jobs.

If the weekend thing a one off or a regular occurrence? For a one off o would just send DH or even get him to take the elderly. Do the children go to nursery? Perhaps the one of the staff would be happy for some extra work to come and help out for some time over the weekend.

Makingworkwork · 04/03/2018 13:33

See your last message perhaps DH should be talking to your MIL and saying he has three young children and works away so he can’t help out and telling her that it is time to down size.

Wakeuptortoise · 04/03/2018 13:34

Yanbu. Unfortunately your dh needs to man up, not cave to unreasonable demands because she's family. Getting him to see that is the trick though.

OlennasWimple · 04/03/2018 13:35

If she can't manage the house, she needs to sell up and buy something that she can cope with. That would be my advice regardless of the relationship issues TBH

I know it's easier said than done, but there is something to be said for putting to one side the stuff she said after your DC were born. She was definitely out of order, but a) nothing good comes of brooding over it, you can't go back and change everything now; and b) DH's family called her out on it, which is brilliant.

Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 13:37

The extra thing that is putting pressure is dh brother is the only one that goes up and gets constant calls from mil. He wants everyone to do it on a rota, the girls have out right said no they don't understand the mechanics (which to be fair is a limiting factor).

My dh says I can't keep looking back at the past but when my first child was in creche for the first year he was always sick....all of my annual leave was gone and not once did he offer to come up and help like she did for her dd's. She even mocked me for once taking him to hospital when he had a temperature I couldn't get down with calpol. She right it was an over reaction but she was so mean.

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Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 13:43

OlennasWimple I do wish I could put it behind me, it would make me a better person but the best I can do is pleasant but low effort. I resent effort..... I do want my dc to have a good relationship with her, she is kind to them and I don't want them to miss out. We do all the thoughtful things we do for my own mother. I include her in everything to do with them but I have to personally be distant from her because I fear if I show any vulnerability she will mock me.

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/03/2018 13:44

YANBU. Can his sisters not talk some sense into him?

It would be a deal breaker for me if he kept on saying ‘get over it’ and running around after her after all she did (and didn’t do).

Definitely let the ones she helped, help her.

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 13:52

Relationships are a 2 way thing. You can’t just take take take in life.

We’re in a similar situation with PILs - they have never even offered verbal support never mind assistance. Yet we were expected to maintain FILs garden following his (minor) stroke. Oh, and Ds1 was 9 months at the time. And we’re over 100 miles away.

Personally I’d leave her to it completely. Unfortunately she’s your dh’s mother, and you can’t forbid him from going. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be making ANY effort to help.

Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 14:01

I do like the suggestion from makingworkwork. That might be an option and it would make the weekend more bearable. I feel bad my poor dh is consumed with guilt and his brother (who is amazing) is taking the full burden.

Is it wrong that I teally resent doing anything nice for this woman?!? I really really want to give her 2 fingers!

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DancesWithOtters · 04/03/2018 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 14:20

Danceswithotters I could say at home with the kids but I don't want the kids to miss out on their dad. This is the only time they see him. Also the oldest is just over 3 so they are full on. As he travels so much I already feel at full capacity, I work full time as well.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 14:39

Fucking hell, you’re not wrong to resent her - don’t even think about feeling bad because you do

DancesWithOtters · 04/03/2018 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SMarie123 · 04/03/2018 16:05

DancesWithOtters If I didn't organise it I am not sure it would happen.

If he goes he is taking the 2 year old.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 04/03/2018 16:24

Not wrong to resent her at all as she has been a complete Cvnt to you! YourbDH should be loyal to you but often men especially are very held hostage by their mothers and find it difficult and painful to admit when they are wrong. It sounds like he has his own deep seated issues in being guilt tripped into doing things for her and no doubt some of her unpleasantness to you was a psycho response to feeling she has lost her grip on her son.

Sadly this is a decision for your DH to make - between looking after his children and doing this favour for his mother. She has put him in that position not you.

Has he had any other bright ideas about how to manage the situation or is he being lame and turning it into your problem?

Sadly sometimes men will try to avoid a decision by making it into the women’s problem, but that is not fair. It’s his mother and he needs to manage her behaviour.

BerylStreep · 04/03/2018 16:26

Well looking for the silver lining, it's amazing that your step siblings called her out on her behaviour.

It's pretty crap that your DH is basically saying get over it. I wonder what her rationale for being so unpleasant to you was? You sound pretty sorted, and in a good career. Do you think she felt threatened that you somehow 'had or wanted it all'? Perhaps she felt you needed to be punished for having so many more opportunities than she had. This sort of vindictive behaviour rarely comes from nowhere, and if you can start to see the motivation behind it, I think it can help to feel less victimised because it somehow takes away her power and could help build your resilience towards her.

The house thing is annoying, but I can't see why your DH couldn't go by himself for one weekend. I know you say you want the DC to see him, but there will be loads more weekends in the scheme of things. I do think that together he and his siblings should be encouraging her to sell the house.

You might want to ask MN to edit your OP as naming the county could be quite identifying.

BerylStreep · 04/03/2018 17:03

Sorry, siblings in law, not step siblings

SunshineAfterRain · 04/03/2018 20:45

You have the dcs all week. If dp was going I would be sending them all with him and letting him get on with it.
I am all for helping family but that is a 2 way system. Mil wants to take but not help ie. Emotional support when it is needed.
Feel not guilt. And call it their bonding time for the all if they go. And you have some you time.

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