HELP MIL is causing a rift in my relationship but I don't think I am being unreasonable

[SMarie123]

Aibu for not wanting to build a relationship with my mil?

Directly after the birth of my first 2 babies (only 17 months apart) my mil gave me a really hard time telling me directly that she managed 5 in 7.5 years and she was on her own a lot, she never looked for help.... I really struggled with bf my 1st and she gave me constant grief saying he was starving....you get the drift, hard work. I really lacked confidence at this point in my life and I felt she destroyed my self esteem with her judgemental brashness. I was too vulnerable to hear it. She also said worse things about me behind my back, which I actually found more upsetting than the horrible things she said to my face.

In the end my dh's siblings told her in no uncertain terms she was out of line and she did apologise, I accepted the apology but to be honest I have not forgiven her. An apology (although noble) actually doesn't change what she thinks of me. She is sorry I found out, she is sorry I was upset but mostly she is sorry that the people she loves felt she was a bad person for saying it.

Although I struggled my adapting to motherhood, I have 3 lovely well behaved children. I am a software developer and the main bread winner in my house, i could earn more money but I want to pick them up from childcare care at 4pm every day and I don't want to travel. I am proud my children see me have a career in a traditionally male dominated field. Part of me is sad I am not the warm fluffy mother who always knows what is wrong with her babies and how to fix it. Dh is much better at that stuff.

My mil and her dh (a saintly man who passed away many years ago) owned a country house they ran as a beautiful b&b in Warwickshire. Said house requires a lot of constant maintenance to keep running and it is hard to find the tradesmen who a) can put up with her demands b) don't rip her off as she doesn't understand the job/ pricing and basically there are some bad people out there who take advantage of the older generation.

Mil wants us to drive 2.5 hours to see her and for my dh to manage the work on her house and I just can't be bothered. Harsh I know, but I end up managing 3 children under 4, in a house that is precious and not baby proofed. When I needed mil in those early days she literally never helped us, she even used to come to London and not visit us. She used to stay with her daughter and expect us to drive over to see her with 3 under 3 at the time. Dh says I need to move on (he has) but I think it is enough that I am pleasant to her, i have never made access to her grandkids hard I have never bad mouthed her to anyone she knows. I have cooked her favourite foods when she visits I have made cards with the kids etc i draw the line at spending my whole weekend managing her unmanageable house. Why can't one of her "preferred" children do it? The ones she visited and helped.

Hi beryl,

I have a fair idea why she doesn't like me. I am basically like how my friends describe men... a lot of house hold jobs I just don't see i.e. I'm not good at packing the dish washer, when you ask me to do the washing up I just do the washing up I don't do the sides and sweep the floor. etc I am very considerate so once people (usually dh!) tell me I do what is expected but I would say there are loads more "typical man" things I do. In fairness I am a good creative cook, so everyone eats well at least.

Mil sees herself as a domestic goddess. I see her as someone who is so house proud it dominates and takes away from enjoying life, she is constantly stressed about cleaning, in my opinion nobody needs to hover and mop daily when they live alone.

Re the cleaning I don't really care if she judges me because I know I am not perfect but I am good enough.

I have no evidence for this but I feel like she judges how I interact with my children, especially once they get to 18 months + and you need to have rules otherwise they would literally kill themselves but you also don't want people to think you are killing them. She is actually magic with children (kids don't mind blunt rude people, it is adults who are highly sensitive!) and can get them to do whatever she wants whereas I am much less confident. She was a child minder and I would have loved to have learnt from her but instead I avoid her :(

That makes sense. Homeliness is her very being, and you come along and threaten her sense of self.

I would suggest you go for a compromise and send DH for the weekend (with however many DC you deem fit ) but with the understanding that he gets together with his siblings with a view to persuading your MIL that getting her children to organise house maintenance is unsustainable and she needs to consider selling. It does seem from what you say that your poor BIL has been carrying a lot of the load.

SunshineAfterRain I couldn't admit it off a forum.., but that is actually what I want to do.... send him off with the 3 of them (although the one and only time he went With 2 out of 3 kids he couldn't even manage the packing, he forgot nappies for the baby, tooth brush and pjs for the toddler he had to go to the supermarket twice in a 24 hour period). The baby also woke every hour which is something he has never done before or since. It was very hard for him to do any work because the toddler wanted to "help" the whole time. Somehow the toddler came home with only one shoe. So basically dh won't go on his own again with more than 1.

Hi beryl, what can I do if I threaten her sense of self? When I first met her I felt the way she interacted with children, cooked were all something to be admired and felt pleased to be part of it. I always found the amount of time she spends on cleaning so out of proportion to its importance. I didn't mind her directness on all the things I forget and do wrong eg cutlery must only be loaded into the basket knives at the back to tea spoons at the front. To me that is shrug it off and move on kind of stuff, who cares, so once I know the rules I just follow them.

The directness and judging when I had a baby really upset me though, I just can't shrug it off as hard as I try. Instead of a dramatic apology (that she spoke to everyone in the family about and I have never ever discussed it even when asked for fear of feeding a fire) I would have preferred some kindness and moral support but no actions followed her grand words.

KimmySchmidt1 He doesn't have any bright ideas, he thinks he has to go up enough to "pass himself" otherwise all the weight falls on his brother who has Kids and a busy job too. I do understand that point but I kind of think His brother chooses to carry the burden and really we are just applying a band aid to a wound that needs surgery. So getting another band aid is really no help. This house is getting worse as less and less maintenance is getting done properly. This solution is not sustainable.

If you can't manage 3 under 3 on your own why on earth did you have any more when you were struggling with 2 in 17 months?
I struggled with a 17 month gap and my MIL was a nightmare and I think it contributed to my post natal depression but I also understand that my ex DP has only one mother and needed to help her out too.
And you being the main breadwinner and higher earner is irrelevant if he is working much longer hours.

Greggers2017 Baby number 3 wasn't exactly intended.... I would no be mad enough to plan two babies in 12 months. As it happens going from 2 to 3 was easier than 1 to 2. That said I am not on my own, dh and I are partners and we do 50/50. He travels and Works way into the evening but he is Amazing at weekends when I get more of a break.

I have taken plenty sacrifices for my family... I work 35 hours a week but I work to the max in that time and I am always under pressure in work to finish dead on time. I never travel. Being inflexible on these points means that I have stood still in my career, I won't be promoted or reach the next level in my career even though I have the ability. The work I do is dull and isn't going to be innovative. I cover 75% of the sick days. The one week in four that he is away is incredibly stressful as I have to do both ends of the day. We discussed it when ds1 was born and Only one of us can give everything to the career and that someone is dh. Don't get me wrong he gives what he can when he can but I do the heavy lifting at home. I wish I could say that when the weekends come I want nothing more than the 3 of them to myself.... but that isn't the case I want a break from being the main carer. He can bring them all to
His mother though... that is totally an option on the table for dh....

SMarie I don't know what you can do about her, but I suppose a starting point is understanding where it comes from. The excessive cleaning and dishwasher type thing sounds very controlling (and possibly anxiety related). I don't know if I could cope with being around someone like that either. Do her children enable the controlling behaviour? You're DH's keenness for you to forget about her behaviour suggests they do.

Would all of the children stage an intervention about the house? Not your call I suppose.

On a practical level, can you get a bit of additional help on the week your DH is away? Have you room and inclination for an au pair?