You know you're a mum when...

[rOsie80]

You grab the milk from fridge when you go to pour yourself a glass of wine!

Your turn...

You call 7am a lie-in

Nanny, not a mum, but...

... you can't stand for long periods without rocking and bobbing the imaginary child on your hip

Ha Pineapple, I often find myself rocking my shopping trolley. Without any kids in it.
Shouting 'green man!' at crossings. Without the kids there.
Shouting 'oooh digger!'. Without the kids there.
The other day I found that they'd started to sell Comfort Pure in Aldi. I was genuinely excited- never in a millon years would have happened pre kids! I am such a sad case.

You can no longer wear black because by the end of the day you're covered in stains.

Ha Pineapple, I often find myself rocking my shopping trolley. Without any kids in it.

Alwaya

You take your coat off in the loo when you arrive at work so you can check your outfit for snot trails/buttery finger prints before you face the office.

You've forgotten the lyrics to all your favourite songs because the paw patrol theme tune just plays on a loop in your head

Discussing the contents of LOs nappy is a daily occurrence

Drive for two hours down the motorway alone before you realise you have 'kids greatest hits' playing ... and are singing along to head, shoulders, knees and toes

When sleeping for 4hrs straight is a cause for celebration

Eating anything that doesn't involve breadcrumbs or ketchup feels exotic😂

When someone vomits you try and catch it in your hands ....

When you ask EVERYONE if they've done a wee before you leave the house!

Ditto - hands washing before dinner and constantly offering people glasses of water!!!!

When you describe in great detail every task you're going to do today to your 10 week old, as if they have any clue what you're on about;

"So, we're going to go to Bluewater today to buy nanny a birthday present. You love nanny don't you. Nanny talks to you before your bath. We're going to look at all the nice things that nanny might like. Would you like to help mummy pick a present? Ooh, mummy might go into M&S for some Colin the Caterpillars etc..."

Repeat for every task.

You never have a bath without a child jumping in with you or ending up having toy boats chucked in.

You can’t use the toilet without a child sitting on your lap or sitting on the floor talking to you.

When you stifle a cough/sneeze in the car because you don't want to wake the sleeping baby. Only the 'baby' is now a toddler and stopped falling asleep in the car months ago, and it's 8.30am and you are on the way to work and the toddler is presumed to still be at home chucking cornflakes at grandma.

Going to the toilet attracts audience participation

You check inside your shoes before putting them on

The first place you look if you lose anything is your shoes, then the toilet. Failing that it's almost guaranteed to be in the pan drawer.

It's genuinely a treat if you manage to drink a whole cup of tea whilst it's still hot and don't have to share your Twix. It makes you feel a sense of enormous wellbeing for the rest of the day.

You choose your clothes according to the snottiness of your child rather than the weather conditions.

Asked my DP and he has said, you know you’re a dad when you use Johnson’s baby shampoo in the shower because it smells so nice and you call your partner “mummy” when the baby isn’t around.
I think catching sick and not thinking twice, taking baby for a poo/bath, your hair hasn’t been washed for a week and is scraped into a “messy bun”.

You say ridiculous things such as 'You can't blow your nose on an onion' or 'Don't lick the car'.

You start to really think about the finer details of Peppa Pig's universe. How old is Madame Gazelle? How is Miss Rabbit not dead from overwork? Does Daddy Pig secretly fancy Miss Rabbit? And get really angry at the episode where Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig double book but naturally it's Mummy pig who has to take Peppa and George to the Mummy fire service meeting while Daddy gets his nice Daddy barbecue in peace which he arses up and needs the Mummies to come to the rescue. Twat.

When going to a doctors appointment on your own is a chance to sit down in peace in the waiting room

I have a packet of baby wipes in work because of their mystical clean-all properties!

You think walking around with poo on your jeans & vomit on your shoulder is perfectly acceptable

Mine are a bitolder - when I eat dinner and get up 45 x to get something the DC need. More water, another napkin, butter/pepper another spoon, my slippers, my feet are cold. Then it’s - I’m still hungry - can I have yours?

7am is definitely a lie-in in this house. If we make it to the heady heights of 7.30am both DH and I bask in a warm glow of well-rested-ness all day.

Once or twice, we have made it to 8am. We speak of those times in hushed, reverent tones.

When going to a doctors appointment on your own is a chance to sit down in peace in the waiting room
And an evening supermarket trip on your own is a night out!

My best one when my two were toddlers was when driving some colleagues to a meeting and I absentmindedly pointed out a digger

Standing at a pelican crossing with no traffic on the road, patiently waiting for the green man to appear, then shout 'cross' when he eventually turns up, (no kids with me) seem to do this every bloody time.