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Moving to the States with children...cultural differences?

55 replies

Gem13 · 29/07/2004 17:44

There's a possibility that we will be moving to the States in a couple of months with DH's work. We've lived there before for short periods but that was pre-children and in a different city. This would be long term.

So, I was wondering if anyone had found it hard/easy meeting other mothers, going to toddler groups, etc. and if there was anything very different from the life they had here. For example the mothers I know here have similar attitudes towards feeding, discipline, etc.

We have a toddler and a baby.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Earlybird · 29/07/2004 17:51

Gem13 - what part of the States would you move to? I ask because the attitudes can vary greatly from city to city, region to region.

Gem13 · 29/07/2004 17:55

South - Georgia.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 29/07/2004 18:01

Think I can offer some insight as I spent alot of time in the south. Will write back later once I have dd in bed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

zebra · 29/07/2004 18:42

Don't put reins on your toddler in public, not unless you want to invite copious direct criticism.
Some places most/all the boys are circumcised, you may hear surprised comments if your DS isn't.
Bottle/breast feeding expections varies a lot by what circle you fall into.
Will think of more, but am knackered from packing to move house!

expatkat · 29/07/2004 18:45

Americans tend to be friendly and receptive. And Americans seem to love British accents and would probably go out of their way to be friendly/non-xenophobic--particularly if you were in a cosmopolitan place like Atlanta. Lots of toddler groups all around the US, particularly in larger towns and cities. I think you'll be fine, and may even get used to a level of convenience (tumble dryers, air conditioning, every kind of food delivered to your doorstep) that might even make you miss aspects of the US when it comes time to leave. Earlybird will tell you more Georgia-specific stuff than I can, though.

expatkat · 29/07/2004 18:46

Zebra could be right about the reins (tho people do use them), but on the upside you can use a dummy and never, ever be criticized.

zebra · 29/07/2004 19:02

Kat -- do you think that Americans dress their children much more casually? What I mean is, my US relatives give us baby-gros... but hardly anybody in England takes their baby out in a mere baby gro. I think the Americans may be less fashion-conscious on baby/toddler dress.

Also, my American relatives mostly give us battery-operated toys, or toys themed to some TV programme, remote control cars (for a 3yo?). We almost never get toys like that from any of English relatives/friends.

Carseats are a very different design, and carseat law (like other laws) varies from state to state, so you have to check up what it is where you're going and may have to just buy seats there, no matter how good the ones you already have are.

zebra · 29/07/2004 19:06

Oh, and the language is different! It's "nursing" not breastfeeding. Cot, basinet, crib, cradle -- all mean different things than in British English. On cold nights kids wear 'blanket sleepers' (very fleecy pajama suits). Gro-bags, Duvet covers, almost unheard of.

You need some vaccinations if your child attends nursery/preschool, that aren't usually given here (Chicken pox & Hepatitus B spring to mind).

Discipline -- smacking tends to be a lot more normal & accepted. British people are so worried about imposing on someone else their annoying child... Americans aren't so uptight about that, for better or worse!

Gem13 · 29/07/2004 19:35

We are reins and no dummies...

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jampot · 29/07/2004 19:44

My best friend moved to the States (Baltimore) about 4 years ago and was really worried about settling in (she already had 2 children). She had absolutely nothing to worry about as all of her neighbours were really friendly immediately. They all settled in really well and made some brill friends. She is really happy with the level of education as well and her children (now has 3) all have really cute American accents. She loves it. She moved to Sacramento in Sept 01 which she enjoyed but realised it wasn't as "family friendly" as Baltimore. Anyway they moved back last year and are still really happy.

jampot · 29/07/2004 19:46

She has noticed though that a lot of shop assistants especially are really rude (contrary to the stereotypical "have a nice day". Also she does struggle with the fact that a lot of American parents she has come across simply do not discipline/reprimand their children.

jampot · 29/07/2004 19:47

sorry not supposed to be a smiley

Gem13 · 29/07/2004 20:09

The discipline aspect is one of my (many) concerns. I don't know anyone here who advocates smacking. Other children (and mine) are made to apologise, play nicely, removed from the situation, etc.

I'm worried too about getting on with other mothers. The work involved in starting friendships whereas here we're all of a similar age, education, viewpoint. It's a good starting point.

I'm not expressing myself very well and know I'm presenting myself as dull and narrow minded. I don't think I am but it's hard with two little ones to think of taking all that on as well as all the other challenges and that's why I started this thread.

Before when we in the US, I felt like I had my own identity but now I would be seen (initially, at least) as a wife and a mother.

OP posts:
zebra · 29/07/2004 20:13

But being a SAHM has more status in a conservative society like USA. People r also more openly/proudly religious & patriotic, but that doesn't make them unfriendly.. the contrary, if anything.

colinsmommy · 29/07/2004 20:16

I breastfed, not nursed my baby. I think the attitude varies widely depending on which part of the country you are in. I lived a couple months in South Carolina, (although its been about 12 years, so I could be behind the times) and I would have to say that children in the south tend to be disciplined more, and better behaved in public than the rest of the country, and people appreciate public discipline more. I bet people would be very friendly toward you and your son, because they love British accents. The south tends to be more friendly, in general, than other regions. There is definitely a language gap, especially with baby accessories, I didn't know what you were all talking about when I first found MN. There are lots of playgroups in the US, and are relatively easy to find. There are music classes aimed at babies and other fun things to do. There is a much lower rate of breastfeeding here, and attitudes do vary widely depending on where you are.

colinsmommy · 29/07/2004 20:21

The south is definitely more religious than where I live now, that was hard for me to get used to when I lived there. I don't know anyone that advocates smacking anywhere. There was an article in Time magazine not too long ago that talked about how the status of SAHM is rising, and the percentage is actually going up. And it is mostly the well-educated middle/upperclass women doing it. (According to the article) I doubt if you would be looked on as a wife/mother, you would more likely be looked at as British or the lady with the cool accent.

maomao · 29/07/2004 20:22

I don't think that people walk around advocating smacking children.... It's true that attitudes are very different, depending upon where you are. But I have many nieces and nephews who have grown up in Atlanta, and they are incredibly polite and well behaved --- almost eerily so!

jampot · 29/07/2004 20:25

Gem - my friend had exactly the same concerns as you - over here she had a degree, good career etc indpendent of her dh. Over there she is J's wife and A, B, C's mummy - she's joined book clubs and other independent intelligent women's networks but finds that over there SAHM is a career in its own right.

zebra · 29/07/2004 20:43

I didnt say Americans tend 2 advocate smacking... just that I think it is less frowned on.
Not called "smacking", for one thing. I'm not totally sure what "smacking" is to be honest, but spanking on bottom & light slaps wherever, r pretty common (if not universal).

Gem13 · 29/07/2004 20:55

I didn't mean 'wife and mother' was negative btw - just that there are lots of women who are wives and mothers, it's a big group in which to find like-minds. If you are an actress or a farmer you probably have more in common with other actresses or farmers.

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Earlybird · 29/07/2004 21:05

Where to begin......I have never lived in Georgia, but have lived in neighbouring states (Tennessee and Alabama). If you are in Atlanta (or a suburb), you are likely to find the adjustment easier as it is a more cosmopolitan city.

Everyone else is correct, there are different words for things and you will probably get some blank stares until you learn to adjust to the local phrases (elevator, trunk, pacifier, drug store, gasoline/gas, etc.) However, people will LOVE your accent and will respond warmly to you based on that alone. It seems exotic and charming to them.

You will drive EVERYWHERE - the cities in the USA (outside NYC, Boston, etc) are spread out and not geared for walking. You will become accustomed to drive through services - endless fast food, banks, dry cleaners and even pharmacies are increasingly common. Can't speak to the differences in car seats though. You will learn to appreciate the "mother and baby" reserved parking spaces which are close to the entrances of many malls/shops.

Georgia will be unbearably hot/humid in the summer, so you will learn to love air conditioning and great piles of ice in your drinks. Be prepared to drink iced tea - it's the drink of choice everywhere! Extra refreshing with a slice of lemon and sprig of mint. You can even have peach iced tea - quite good.

Zebra is correct about circumcision for boys - it's the norm. Don't have any knowledge of reins in public being frowned upon. Really the only time you'll be walking in traffic should be to/from the car unless you live on a busy street.

Many of the mums I know/knew did breastfeed. It is not unusual. However, it was my experience that the women are much more modest about feeding in public and would usually prefer to pump and feed from a bottle when away from home. Many are anxious/paranoid about a glimpse of breast in public. If I was out, I often found it most relaxed/comfortable to simply go back to the car and breastfeed. However, I did nurse once on a bench at a street fair. If anyone noticed, they didn't say anything.

In my experience, many of the stay at home mums don't really do toddler groups. You meet other mums through organised activities (baby music class, gymboree which is the US version of Tumbletots, etc.)

You will be amazed to see the number of churches in the south, and the huge size of their buildings. Many churches have nursery/kindergarten programs as a way of utilising their buildings during the week. The churches with nursery/kindergarten programs also usually offer a "mother's day out" program one or two days a week for mums of babies/young toddlers. It was my experience that mums dropped their kids and ran out the door to food shop, exercise class, etc as this time was precious time to themselves - in other words, there was little lingering and chatting with new faces.

You will be amazed to see the size of the living space people have there - huge. My two bedroom flat here is literally HAlF the size of my two bedroom flat in the USA. You'll be interested to know that estate agents there are not allowed to advertise a room as a bedroom unless it has a closet. You'll be pleased/shocked at the generous size of the secondary bedrooms.

Many people still smack, but there are many who don't. There are plenty of enlightened people who look for more constructive ways to discipline, and there are others who think there's nothing wrong with a smack. I will say though that most people I know were smacked as children, but don't smack their own kids. So, perhaps it's a generational, cultural and socio-economic thing.

I think the most important thing is to realise that it will take time to find your feet. Don't be depressed when I say that after about 2 years you should have it sussed, and should have the beginnings of some real friendships. But, isn't that about the same for most any new place? Personally (and it's a sweeping generalisation), I would gravitate toward areas where academic professionals live and send their children to school. They tend to be highly educated, comfortable but not obnoxiously wealthy/showy, not overly religious, aware of the world outside the USA, more tolerant/curious of differences, etc.

I could go on and on. But, I'll stop now. Feel free to ask me anything else you think of, and I may add more as it comes to mind.

sunchowder · 29/07/2004 21:06

I live in Florida now, but grew up in New Jersey. It is interesting. There are many hidden prejudices between the North and South that I was not even aware of whenI moved to Florida. The best part of it all Gem is that you will still have Mumsnet! I am married to a brit so the language was not difficult for me as I had heard alot of the words just from family visits and talking in general. If you will live in Atlanta, I think you should not have a hard time of it at all. There are lots of sterotypes for sure and clearly there is a difference in disipline and expectation, but that is for you to control and set within your own home. Hopefully you will be plased with the schools. they have wonderful shopping and restaurants and financially it should be great for you. Contact me via Mumsnet if you would like to talk about it some more. I can't say much specific to Georgia as I haven't lived there, but I have visited.

Gem13 · 29/07/2004 22:42

Thank you for your responses and your offers of contact Earlybird and sunchowder. I have lots of questions but it is still early days with this possible move. I've learnt to my cost that I need to be prepared though and so that's why I'm thinking about it now.

DH is in the early stages of discussing it with his work and we don't want to go down the route of agreeing to go out there only to change our minds.

PS- is it hard to mix if you are not a churchgoer?

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mit · 30/07/2004 03:39

Hi Gem13

We're in Houston, Texas so we're in the South....

There are lots of cultural differences as everyone has mentioned.....grown women saying "I've got to go potty", no one mentioning the word toilet (in a shop it's the Restroom, in someone's house it's the Bathroom, in a restaurant it's the Powder Room) which I'm used to now.....saying the word toilet is like saying 'I need to go and do a big poo' - the look of horror is hysterical!. There are differences not do to with the loo.....!!

One of the biggest for me is the driving everywhere - I go for whole day without walking sometimes (it's too hot to walk outside here) which is quite odd - and doesn't help with shifting my mummy tummy (but that's a different topic completely). The health service is very different and very odd - I seem to have about 5 doctors (GP, OB/GYN, Podiatrist, Dermatologist & Paediatrician (spelt Pediatrician here) for dd).

Some more word differences:
UK = USA
Estate Car = (Station) Wagon
Dummy = Pacifier or Pacy
Madam = Ma'am
Loo = Restroom, Bathroom, Powder Room
Buggy/Pram = Stroller
Car Park = Parking Lot (you'd think they'd understand Car Park but I just get a glazed over look!)
Shop = Store
4 Wheel Drive = SUV
Food - too many to mention!

Gosh - don't know why I started that last bit - there are so many I could go on for hours....so I won't!!

I met lots of mums through my ante-natal classes - other than that I've found it quite hard (sorry!) - there are some great people here it's just finding a way of meeting them.

Another big difference is that few people seem to make their own baby food - it's considered 'posher' to buy it ready made....my dd's Paediatrician even recommended I buy it...what complete tosh!! I guess when the average mother only gets 6 weeks maternity leave it's easier to have it all ready made but it is weird to me.

HTH - I'm not sure if it will. Do let me know if I can be of further help......

mit x

almost40 · 30/07/2004 04:00

Gem13, I'm not in the South, but to answer your question, I don't think it will be difficult for you to meet people if you are not a churchgoer. Basically, meeting other mums in the US is like meeting mums in the UK. You will meet other mums through toddler groups, etc. and just from being out with your children. I am a bit shy, but I find that other less shy mums will approach me and start a conversation. You will meet people in your neighborhood and through your DHs work colleagues, just as you do in the UK. As others have said, most Americans really love hearing a British accent and are fascinated by Europeans in general. HTH. Good luck!

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