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Original poster

My son has no friends

54 replies

lifesteeth · 30/04/2007 15:43

My son (8) has no friends at school, ever since he started the nursery at 3 he was excluded from the boys' social circles but I thought things would change as they got older. They havn't however and now even the kids that my DS consider to be "friends" refuse to play with him, tell him to "go away" or simply run away from him when he approaches them. I have no idea why he is treat like this, he's not a 'laddish' boy so maybe this all they need to exclude him but his school life is resembling mine so much that I'm starting to find it all very upsetting.

All the school say is "we can't force the others to play with him" etc...today at break time he walked around the playground on his own and at dinner time he did the same occasionally running over to play with people who then ran away or ignored him.

What can I do if anything? is this likely to continue all through school? will it change when they hit seniors or get worse??

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Clary · 30/04/2007 15:48

Oh lifesteeth I am so sorry about this.

Has he ever been bullied as such? Or is it just a case of ignoring?

Have you tried to get him interested in things that other 8yo boys like - for eg from my experience: football, Star Wars, football trading cards (shoot outs, paninis), power rangers, Dr Who? So that maybe he has something to talk about, or take in things to show others?

Or how about clubs to get him more socialised - football, cubs, swimming?

How do you know such details about his playtime btw? Do you work there too (and could this be an issue?)

Sorry not to be more help.

FiveFingeredFiend · 30/04/2007 15:49

My guess is that if he doesn't fit in at junior its unliley to change in senior.

What i think you should do is enrol him in clubs. karate, cubs, football that kind of thing. When you are there you should act like its a job interview, and try your hardest to get chatting to other mums. Playdates, sleepovers are good.

Also if you are very lentil weaverish and all the boys are into PS2 or x-box or you dont have a telivision ...you get the idea, then this will make it harder for a child who has difficulties in making friends. IME boys like one upmanship. It's always who has the best game, have you played, did you see, did you go to...etc.

Original poster

lifesteeth · 30/04/2007 15:52

He has been bullied, he's getting bullied constantly and everytime I go in they say they'll sort it out...it stops for a while and then starts up again.

He came out of school the other day and said he'd been pinned down on the floor by another boy...assuming he meant playtime I asked "where?" and he said "in the classroom during class!!! I said where was the teacher and it turns out she was "busy" sorting out a different kid with behavioural problems. This same day he was kicked in the head by a girl.

Thing is we're hoping to move next year so he will be moving school anyway so although I know he should move school to get away from this hell hole I really don't want to move him now and then again next year

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FiveFingeredFiend · 30/04/2007 15:53

do you work? could you home ed?

Original poster

lifesteeth · 30/04/2007 15:55

That's what I don't understand, he does like star wars, he has a PS2 with all the latest games, he has a nintendo DS, he watches all the boys tv shows, he has a cool bike with full suspension, he wears good clothes, good names etc... as I was bullied I went out of my way to make sure he had all the latest stuff so they couldn't at least pick on that but they still don't want to know...I honestly do not know what it is about him that they don't like.

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3littlefrogs · 30/04/2007 15:56

Have you thought about homeschooling from now until you move? My son was bullied at primary school and TBH the only thing that worked was to get him out. Another child in the same class who was also bullied - it was the "culture" at the school, so no help from the head or staff, took her son out and wrote to the school and the education authority explaining why, and kept him at home for a year, until he started secondary school.

Clary · 30/04/2007 15:57

yes FFfiend is right, Playstation, Nintendo DS etc is good too. (We don't do it which is why I didn't think of it but I would if DS1 didn't fit in and it meant he would).
Also agree re playdates etc. Karate is a good idea, better than swimming actually (for friend purposes I mean).

Original poster

lifesteeth · 30/04/2007 15:58

3littlefrogs how did he get on when he started secondry school?

I work so couldn't really homeschool although I would like to. I'm a single parent so giving up my job isnt really an option

OP posts:

Clary · 30/04/2007 15:58

Oh sorry just seen from yr last post that you do all that.

for yr DS

3littlefrogs · 30/04/2007 16:00

It may not be anything he is doing wrong. The chances are that there is one ringleader who controls the other boys, and until that changes, nothing will change. The parents of the ringleader may have undue influence over the head. This was the situation I found myself in - I was convinced, by the head, that it was my son who had the problem - 2 weeks at his new school and he was a different child. The ringleader at his first school was the son of a very influential person.

tullytwo · 30/04/2007 16:02

I have been posting something similar on another thread lifesteeth - not as upsetting as what your ds is going through.

My ds isnt bullied but he doesnt seem to mix very well at all - gets very upset at games played rather than just getting 'stuck in' iykwim.

I am at a loss as what to do - have no help for you just wanted to let you know that you arent alone - sitting here nearly crying over my ds - its so hard.

3littlefrogs · 30/04/2007 16:04

Sorry - X posts. I got him into a different primary school for 2 years, then he went to secondary school after that. Luckily it was a different SS from the one that all the kids from previous school went to. I was very very lucky to get him into another primary school. Have you made any enquiries locally? TBH I would move him if you possibly can - coping with change is better than what he is enduring ATM. And, actually, it is a valuable life skill. Being bullied is just soul destroying.

lovemybed · 30/04/2007 17:32

lifesteeth god i had tears in my eyes there, sorry not very helpfull, but i hate seeing children left out and now that dd1 is in primary one i have really noticed that from such a young age children can be so so cruel.

i know someone else has mentioned it but i really think that getting him into lots of diffrent clubs could do wonders. my dd1 is pretty shy, has always mixed well at school thankfully but i worry about her being able to speak up for herself around some of the other girls.

she now goes to three diffrent dance classes, rainbows and football practise (which she loves) it means she has a wide circle of friends outside school. also can you not have a diffrent boy over from school one night every week, say on a wednesday night your son can pick who he would like to ask, hopefully in return he would get invited back to there house and things would progress from there.

i really hope things work out for your son, theres nothing more upsetting as a parent than knowing your child is unhappy.

sanae · 30/04/2007 21:28

Think I agree with 3LF here - changing school now may be a good option - sounds to me as if the school are not doing their job - this bullying should NEVER be allowed. Thankfully I do not have experience of my children being bullied but I have moved areas, and therefore schools, and I think it has improved my shy son's confidence having to make new friends. Made friends first day there - in fact I'm not sure I can even call him shy anymore! Thinking back, he didn't have many friends at playgroup, but when he went to school with a different lot of children he thrived. Could just be in with the wrong lot of kids. May just find his niche with another lot which would do wonders for his confidence when he has to change again. Just wish you the best of luck, sounds heartbreaking. I'm sure son is lovely, unlike the bullies making his life hell.

Londonmamma · 30/04/2007 21:36

So sorry to hear this, must be very hard for you and your son. I have two boys and in my experience, friendships can really develop when they have one friend round to their house to play, rather than trying to be friends with 'the gang'.

Work out with your son whether there is one child he likes and who would come to play at your house regularly. Really work on that, then you can move on from there. Even if he develops just one good friendship it will make all the difference.

Original poster

lifesteeth · 30/04/2007 22:12

He did used to have a boy back every wednesday for tea and he would go there for tea...the kid ended up breaking one of his toys, attacking his younger brother and is now one of the main bullies at school, he even took the money off him that I gave him for his school trip

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3littlefrogs · 01/05/2007 08:30

You know - it sounds like your son is a nice kid who has had the misfortune to be stuck with a really unpleasant group of boys. It does happen. When I spoke to ds's teacher about his classmates' behaviour, she agreed with me that they were basically a bunch of hooligans - unprofessional, politically incorrect, yes, but she was right. My son wasn't the one with the problem. Once he was out of that environment he thrived.

What I am saying is that there is probably nothing the matter with your son, and you should not be made to feel that it is his, or your, fault.

Pixiefish · 01/05/2007 08:35

It could well change when they move up to secondary as there will be more kids there and a greater variety of kids. That is long term though and you need to deal with this in the short term as what your son is going through is horrible.

There are things the school CAN and SHOULD be doing. They can find him a friend, they can ask someone to take him under their wing so to speak.

Good that you're moving but he still has to suffer in the meantime. Go back to the school and demand they do something

grumpyfrumpy · 01/05/2007 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveFingeredFiend · 01/05/2007 08:54

If you know where your moving to, it may be an idea to get him into the cubs, karate, football etc to get him some friends before he moves.

Wotzsaname · 01/05/2007 09:12

I do feel so sorry for your ds. I would suggest you take on some of the advice given here, about taking him out of the school.

To home ed, or to another school which feeds onto a different secondary from the one he is in, so he doesn't have to be with the same group in secondary.
This behaviour in class is not right. All schools have an anti bullying policy set out by the government. Ask the school about it and use it to help get your child moved.
From what you have said this is not the place for him.

So sorry for your ds. School should be a nice place where they feel secure and enjoy going to.

3littlefrogs · 01/05/2007 09:24

Unfortunately,the head is the person who sets the environment and culture of the school. At DS's school there was a culture of collusion (and denial) with the bullying. The head is one of these people who pretends everything is fine, and anybody who has a problem has something wrong with them. The school has a track record of parents taking their bullied children out, and as long as that woman is in post, nothing will change. The good teachers tend to leave after a couple of years. I tried for 2 years to get the school to do something about it,but it was like banging my head against a brick wall.

Vinegar · 01/05/2007 09:26

How is your son with children who are not school friends. Does he interact will with them? If he does, the school might well be the problem and you could look into moving him. However, there are some children who are loners and don't fit in at school. My dh says he never fit in with any of the children at school. He has got a very good job now and at work is fantastic. However even now, social situations still get him stressed and it is not something that comes easily to him. Just try and boost your son's self-confidence and let him do extra-curricular activities he is good at. I think sometimes the more you try and fit in the worse it can be and children sense you are too "needy". It would be nice if the school were more proactive, but you can't always count on that unfortunately. Maybe socialising more out of school(and with non-school friends) will boost your son's confidence. Hope your son finds a friend soon lifesteeth, it is so sad to see children being rejected

jellyhead · 01/05/2007 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wotzsaname · 01/05/2007 09:39

3littlefrogs...the head is not the end of the line, but it would be better for the school to acknowledge problems, as soon as they are aware of them.

Our local gov website has sets of guidelines, for example....
link here to sefton I am sure each authority has one.

I know teachers get a bad press, and I am not going down that route.

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