Why isn't my baby happy?

[Nightskydreamer]

*My child is 10months old and he is my first.
I am utterly utterly exhausted. 10 months in and my evenings are still full of screaming and crying because he won’t/doesn’t want to go to sleep. I can’t cook an evening meal, no time to study no time for anything in the evening. He cries and whinges for most of that day, hates meal times and simply wont settle.
I cook all his meals from scratch. I do baby sensory time. I take him for a walk every day. He has lots of toys. I read to him. I play with him. He sees family and plays with them. I have a solid bedtime routine with a bath, massage and song. He has a nap routine during the day. Yet still he just isn’t happy? I’m at breaking point I really am.
Other people I know who had babies at the same time as me are now pregnant again, and beaming about it. I’m shocked, how have they had time for a marraige, let alone sex?
Everything is suffering. I don’t see friends very often because I’m shattered and also because there’s a huge amount of guilt attached to going out and leaving husband to deal with screaming baby alone. Friendships have crumbled. I have put on a huge amount of weight because I simply have no energy and rarely have the time to cook so I just eat toasties. My uni work (I study from home) has plummeted and I’ve already taken a break and can’t take another. Work is about the only thing I enjoy and I practically run out the door in the morning and then feel guilty all day that I feel better at work?!
I guess I just want to know if this is normal, do they grow out of this stage and become enjoyable, does it sound like he is truly unhappy? It breaks my heart to think he isn’t happy. *
Hubby is a huge help, we are good partners in this but the same applies to him. He is shattered and its breaking my heart to see my family so sad.
I.don’t.know.what.I’m.doing.wrong.

Hi, you don’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. You’re tired, and stressed. Is it possible baby is over stimulated? Does he need more or less sleep? Is he ever hungry? I don’t mean to sound patronising, I am just trying to be practical because you sound exhausted.
Do you have any outside help? My son was 11 months when he started his settling in days at nursery. It’s really good for them to have a break from their every day surroundings - and you, at least in my opinion. Is nursery an option? You’re looking at £40 for one day, maybe, but a really good nursery will bring on a baby in ways that would surprise you. I also think you’d feel better if you had some me time.
If not what about relatives or friends who could help out for a few hours here and there?
Is he walking and moving yet? He might be frustrated. He’s becoming more alert and aware of his surroundings, perhaps he wants to be able to move but can’t yet?
Failing that it might just be a rough patch. In 8 weeks time things will look different, I assure you! It seems a long time but these days will pass quicker than you think

how would you feel about giving us a rough breakdown of his day just so we can see if there is anything obvious...?

I suspect there won't be but you never know!

Is he crawling/cruising/rolling/walking yet? Some babies are very frustrated if they can't move as much as they like.

What's his diet/food/milk intake like?

My lord...are you me lol! Well no because I have a three year old as well. My 10 month old DS is the same as you describe - he always seems really angry and cries a lot.

He has been teething badly for one month now and we have.....1 tooth :(

I also work and try to study. I have lost all of my 'life' and I go to bed by 8.30 every night - once I get him to sleep I do my chores and then quickly get into bed (I am there now!). My DH is a doctor and finds it really tough too as he looks after him alone one day a week.

On the plus side I know it does get better and my 3 year old got loads easier between 12-18 months and is now honestly a complete dream. I am not a baby person and am struggling again with an angry and upset baby - this one only started like this around 6 months.

You are not alone! I find work enjoyable and I too feel guilty for that.

X

Some babies hate being babies. My DD was like yours. Nightmare. I was utterly exhausted. Now she's 3 she has her moments (ahem!) but honestly since she got mobile she's been much easier. She just wanted to get down and get around and explore and play and not be dependant. My DS is an entirely different child. I can pop him in a highchair with some finger food and merrily cook away. He takes 2 naps a day and sleeps mainly in his cot at night. I would have thought I was a fan-fucking-tastic parent if he was my first

@Redrosebelle I do have family that can take him for a bit, but the problem is still there when he comes home. He is usually an angel for them as well and they think I'm exaggerating.
Nursery is an option and I'm looking into one, the only decent one in my area has a waiting list so I'm going to ring them tomorrow and get him on it. I'm genuinely worried about leaving him with strangers though, I don't want him to think ive abandoned him?

@pastabest his normal routine (when I'm home) is

6.30-7 wakes crying 7oz bottle
If i need to get ready he goes into a cot or his bumbo and usually cries the whole time.
8.30am breakfast. Eats this well normally
Then playtime. He is crawling so i cant leave him to sit and play, I'm on all fours with him, joining in.
10am 6oz bottle and a battle to get him to nap. He is clearly tired. Naps on me so i cant go get ready or anything.
Usually has an hour if that so i put him in jumperoo/bumboo with cartoons and he usually cries about this but i need to go to the loo and throw a wash on etc
Then its just general playtime/reading/sensory
12.30pm the lunch battle begins. If i need to feed it to him (cottage pie, chilli, bolognese) he refuses it. He never used to. Its all home cooked from scratch and blended to the right consistency and it goes up the wall because he bats it out of my hand. Give up and make him a sandwich
Lunch takes about an hour and is stressful. After this i get him ready to go out. He screams when i lit his coat on etc
Give him a 7oz bottle at 2pm ish to set him off to sleep.
Go out walking. I just walk and walk. Get piis wet through, freeze, sunburnt whatever, i just walk with him in the pram and he sleeps.
By the time i get home im shattered and is just waking up. Cries to come out of pram. Give him the rest of that bottle if there is any.
Mixture of playtime etc. If im desperate to cook ill put him in his highchair in the kitchen with me with a bit of sliced melon.
Again he cries through most of this so I usually abandon cooking and go play with him.
5pm dinner battle begins. This is the toughest one of the day. 9/10 times he doesn't eat it. Just screams/cries bats it out of my hand. If its finger food he purposely drops it on the floor.
I'm at my wits end by this point as i know he is hungry as he doesn't turn down melty puffs. Usually have to put peppa pig on to stop him crying. Not ideally how i want to do dinner times.
6pm play with bedroom toys
6.10pm bath
6.20pm drying off in a dimly lit room, ewan lullaby on, soft voices. Massage, pjs. Screams blue murder the entire time.
He then has 8oz bottle with his dad, has it all, goes into cot and cries for the next 2 hours.

Then wakes a few times in the night.

Sorry for the epic reply! Obviously there are variations such as appointments etc. His grandparents look after him 3 days a week, a do one day and my husband does one day then we are both there at the weekend.

Have you looked at the NHS website about baby sleep to check if your baby is sleeping enough hours in the day / night?

Good luck. I'm sorry you're having a hard time; it will get better

Have you had him tested for alergies at all?

As it sounds like you have nothing too lose could you swap up the routines, just have him with you in the evenings until he falls to sleep.

@Chosenbyyou how do you find time to study! I'm glad to hear it got better for you. Its hard on partners too isn't it and just adds to guilt!

Sorry, cross post. That does sound like a good amount of sleep. It sounds so tough for you though!!

Could you just up his milk and give him finger foods and not worry about how much he is actually eating. Also I'd stop making everything from scratch and make more things like sandwiches, microwave omelette, pancakes, soft boiled veg, fruit - food shouldn't be such a stressful thing esp with a baby who doesn't really need it yet.

Can you get a playpen so he has somewhere safe to play while you are busy rather than sitting him in a chair etc.

@OuchBollocks oh that did make me laugh!

My first thoughts on that basis is definitely not enough sleep during the day (but I understand that's probably because it's a MASSIVE battle for you) and also that food is turning into a battle because he's possibly trying to tell you he's ready to be a bit more I dependent.

First things first I would give up spoon feeding. Give him the spoon to hold and be 'grown up', and let him use his fingers to eat whatever you have made. At that age my DD would shovel spag bol , chicken and rice, yoghurt etc into her mouth using her fingers and occasionally chewing on the spoon. Yes it's messy and yes it feels like they aren't getting as much as if you spoon it for them but some babies like to be in control and it sounds like yours is one of them.

I would also be looking to moving breakfast and the morning nap earlier. My DD at 10 months (and still now at 12 months) got up around the same time, but she generally has breakfast around 7 and is back down for her first nap by 9am (and often 8.30 if she has been up at 6.30ish). Any later and she is overtired and it becomes a struggle much like you are describing.

At 10 months DD was just starting to drop down from 3 naps to 2 a day. If she was having 3 she would have them about 12.30pm immediately after lunch, and then another one around 3pm.

Also, don't feel guilty about sitting him in front of CBeebies for 20 minutes. It sounds like you are playing with him a lot which is lovely of you, but he is perhaps relying on you for entertainment rather than learning to amuse himself for short periods. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to give him good experiences.

I’d get him tested for allergies first and foremost.

Have you considered that if you’re roughly sticking to that routine and he’s responding as he is, that maybe you can relax things and see how he reacts? Cooking everything from scratch just isn’t necessary for a 10 month old. It is obviously ideal to have more healthy, home cooked food but you need to give yourself a break. It doesn’t matter if he has sandwiches every day. He’s still so young and you need to break the cycle of battling with him over food.

Sounds like you are all having a tough time. Some suggestions:

-Give him much simpler food (toast, pasta, fruit, cheese, egg, cooked veg etc), let him feed himself and don't stress if he chooses not to eat it. He won't starve, he is still having milk. Definitely don't let mealtimes go on for an hour!

-Try to reduce the amount of time you leave him in a bumbo/jumperoo etc. At his age he will want to crawl around, pull up etc and he is probably frustrated. Baby proof at least one room and let him get on with it. Try to reduce the TV as it isn't great for babies and is thought to impair language development.

-Try a sling for when he is upset/won't settle. Just go for a walk or do stuff around the house. The Ergo baby carrier is good for older babies and toddlers. If you are lucky, you might even be able to get him to sleep in the sling and then transfer him to his cot.

-If he is crying for 2 hours at bed time, he is probably going to bed too early. I co-slept with both my babies at this age. They still woke up, but I was able to settle them back to sleep again without getting out of bed and this made things much easier. Perhaps this might be something you could try?

I suspect things may improve rapidly once he can walk and talk!

Milk allergy?

Reflux?

Does he have a rash? How r his poos?

My DS is 10 months and is pretty happy, I also have a toddler and we all potter about reasonably well all day.

The big difference between my DS and yours is naps. If my DS wakes at 6:30 then he's down for a nap at no later than 8am. Then whenever he wakes he's down 1.5 hours later, rinse and repeat. The 90 minute sleep solution (it's a book, but it's just putting them down 1.5 hours after waking basically) was the answer for us. I honestly think if you crack the naps he will be happier. 6:30-10am is far too long to be awake, or certainly would have been for my DS's.

My DS is also ten months and would be annoyed as shit at being parked in a bumbo/jumperoo/highchair for that amount of time. He absolutely has to have several hours a day of crawling about/exploring/self directed play, which is also bloody brilliant for me! Can you baby proof a room/area/get a playpen and just let him play? You might find he is then more tired come bedtime/ready for bed?

Also re the good- try to relax a bit,just do what works. My DS goes through phases of hating the spoon, so I just give him toast/veg sticks/chicken bits etc. Don't cooked from scratch for him 2x a day if he's just gonna lob it only the floor!! Go back to basics and build up from there.

Good luck!

Also, I do way way way less stuff than you. I never really do sensory stuff or deliberately 'play' with him, he mainly just rolls around on the floor with toys or hangs about while I read with my older DS or we bake or chat or whatever, he is very much 'along for the ride' but is rarely the direct focus of 'playtime'. I'm not saying this is brilliant or anything but I've a 2 year old so I'm firefighting a lot of the time! The point is your DS might be hugely overstimulated and not getting quality naps and bingo - grumpy baby.

Hmm,that's interesting @mistermagpie my DS has two naps a day, one at 1130 and one at about 4, so awake for waaaaay longer than 90mins. He is a pretty happy boy too. I guess it's just about finding the sleep/food/play combo that works for the child.

OP, with my DS when he is unhappy, I would say it is 99% of the time hunger or tiredness. Get those cracked, and barring allergies/illness you'll be good!

Some really good advice from softsheen but I have to disagree on a few points.

Given that naps are a struggle through the day I doubt the crying at bedtime is because bedtime is too early, I suspect it's overtiredness.

A little bit of television really won't hurt. Especially given the amount of other stimulation you are otherwise giving him.

Slings are great to an extent, but even by 6 months my DD was far too big for me to comfortably get on with stuff around the house whilst baby wearing. She was pretty active and wanted to be crawling round and not stuck in a sling or a highchair.

I otherwise agree though that babyproofing one room and letting him crawl around and explore is an excellent idea. Perhaps also try giving him some pots and pans to bang in the kitchen when you are cooking rather than sticking him in the highchair?

Katniss you're right, it's just what works for that child. My two have both done the 90 minute thing and are terrific nappers but some kids probably need less sleep.

mistermagpie it sounds like we have pretty similar babies, I've never heard of the 90 minute sleep solution but that's pretty much the routine we had with DD at that age.

I agree with Katniss too though that it's about finding the right nap combination for your baby, but I suspect the OPs DS might be one of the ones that may benefit from something like the 90 minute sleep solution.

Sorry I keep thinking of stuff, my DS hates the bumbo and the sling, he also hates the jumperoo and the high chair unless he's eating. If I put him in those he would cry, so I don't. He pretty much spends all his awake time crawling about the floor with toys or whatever is to hand (he likes Tupperware!), have you tried that?

I do agree with the comments re over tiredness at bedtime causing the screaming but even my 7 month old is beyond the 90 minute nap routine! She happily is awake for 3hrs after waking and has 2/3 naps per day and sleeps 6.30pm until 7am. I always put her down though as soon as she looks like she would sleep, just a little yawn or rubbing eyes - whatever the baby’s cues are - rather than wait until she’s exhausting.

I think you need to adjust how you do things in terms of bumbo/jumperoo - most babies have outgrown them by 10mo. I appreciate he’s moving but can you get a baby prison so he can play freely secure inside whilst you get things done? I think try for naps earlier as he’s probably going past tired.