Why isn't my baby happy?

[Nightskydreamer]

*My child is 10months old and he is my first.
I am utterly utterly exhausted. 10 months in and my evenings are still full of screaming and crying because he won’t/doesn’t want to go to sleep. I can’t cook an evening meal, no time to study no time for anything in the evening. He cries and whinges for most of that day, hates meal times and simply wont settle.
I cook all his meals from scratch. I do baby sensory time. I take him for a walk every day. He has lots of toys. I read to him. I play with him. He sees family and plays with them. I have a solid bedtime routine with a bath, massage and song. He has a nap routine during the day. Yet still he just isn’t happy? I’m at breaking point I really am.
Other people I know who had babies at the same time as me are now pregnant again, and beaming about it. I’m shocked, how have they had time for a marraige, let alone sex?
Everything is suffering. I don’t see friends very often because I’m shattered and also because there’s a huge amount of guilt attached to going out and leaving husband to deal with screaming baby alone. Friendships have crumbled. I have put on a huge amount of weight because I simply have no energy and rarely have the time to cook so I just eat toasties. My uni work (I study from home) has plummeted and I’ve already taken a break and can’t take another. Work is about the only thing I enjoy and I practically run out the door in the morning and then feel guilty all day that I feel better at work?!
I guess I just want to know if this is normal, do they grow out of this stage and become enjoyable, does it sound like he is truly unhappy? It breaks my heart to think he isn’t happy. *
Hubby is a huge help, we are good partners in this but the same applies to him. He is shattered and its breaking my heart to see my family so sad.
I.don’t.know.what.I’m.doing.wrong.

Thank you everyone, some good advice here. I'm definitely gonna start changing the food to something simple or just letting him loose with fingers/spoons.
So steamed veg, omlettes, toast, sandwiches, fruit, roast chicken?

If he’s crying for 2 hours I’d say he’s either not tired or needs to have his last nap earlier. Possibly just one nap a day? My DD used to be a struggle to get down for naps and bedtime and all the advice I came across was over tiredness but she just actually wasn’t tired. She’d be awake for hours even when she was tiny. Not saying it can’t be that but some babies just don’t sleep much.

Why can’t you leave him to play? Seriously you need to babyproof at least part of the house, you can’t never take your eyes off him and he can’t be expected to sit quietly in his cot especially as he gets older.

Mealtimes don’t need to be a battle, I’d stop feeding him and just let him get on with it. If he throws it all over the floor (which he will do sometimes), ignore him, clean it up and offer him a bit of toast. Making it a battle can only make things worse. My DD is currently going through a super fussy phase. She’s 2.5 so no milk and practically survives on porridge, toast and fruit. How she’s alive I’ll never know but I had the same worries when she was a baby and I’d love for her to eat like that now! If you’re getting stressed because you’ve spent time cooking I agree with giving simpler things and/or batch cooking.

And finally, some babies are just miserable and it’s not your fault. My DD was bloody miserable from birth and at 20 months it’s like a flip switched and she became a delight mostly.

I’d let him bimble round a bit more. He’s crawling so let him entertain himself. He’s too old for a bumbo/jumperoo I think. If you’ve got things to do just get on with them whilst he plays - as long as there’s nothing dangerous near him he won’t come to any harm. He may well be happier when he can walk.

And for lunch if he’ll eat a sandwich, don’t stress about home cooking stuff, give him a sandwich.

There has already been some really good advice.
My dd is 9 months today and the food side of things I do not stress about it. I did with my other two. She has a bit of whatever we are having and if she doesn't want to eat it then that's that. Sometimes she scoffs it all sometimes it goes on the floor. She has as much milk as she wants (bf) so I just don't give it another thought.
My first ds was just how yours sounds, he was so difficult. He got better by 12 months old ish, but didn't sleep through until 18 months. He's absolutely lovely now he's 5 but he does have sensory issues and is ongoing assessment for autism, not suggesting this is the thing with your ds though!
The experts tell us that these babies go through things called leaps during which their brain sort of rewires and they temporarily go a bit bonkers, it's all to do with learning new things, realising they can do new things, and probably also finding out that they have a choice in doing something /eating something! There is an app for it called wonder weeks, although I've never bothered with it this time because I didn't find it that accurate myself.
You are doing such a good job and one day you will definitely look back at this as a horrid memory and think was it actually that bad? Yes it is at the time!
Take any help you can get and relax about the food. The only thing I can add is you say you use ewan, I binned him because he doesn't play long enough or loud enough imo. I use a white noise app instead and has worked really well for mine as you can play it continuously if needed, and loud!

Babies don't starve themselves. So if he's not eating, he's not hungry. I would start by dropping his bottle feeds down to two, wake up and bedtime and give him finger foods to eat as others have suggested. At that age I would give mine a sippy cup of milk in the highchair about an hour after each meal to top them up but make sure there was still a decent gap before the next meal. Whatever didn't get drunk got thrown away. It wasn't offered again.

Also, theres a lot of conflicting advice about feeding I have found:
Baby led weaning
Make all organic foods yourself
Give them ellas kitchen pouches
Give them jars
Give them sandwiches
They can only eat what you eat
They need separate food
Jamie Oliver dissected the ellas kitchen pouches on his show the other week stating they were the worst thing ever and your setting your child up for a life of obesity because the pouches have a higher percentage of sweet veg to be more appealing.....
And I just thought Jamie Oliver, go fuck yourself

It is conflicting advice but in reality most people do a bit of everything. My DS is a big fan of being spoon fed, so we do that but he also has bits of fruit, cheese, toast etc to eat himself. Sometimes he has a bit of my dinner, sometimes I make him something fresh, sometimes I (shock horror) give him a pouch. I'm much more easy going this time because he's not my first and I don't have time or capacity to be too strict. Most people are just muddling through when it comes to weaning.

You mentioned that he's with grandparents three days a week - what's he like there?

Mealtimes are so stressful here. Ds eats dry cereal or toast and butter for breakfast with a yoghurt, a cheese sandwich or bread sticks and houmous for lunch with an apple and for tea he might eat a bit of what we have, usually 2 or 3 mouthfuls. He is 2 and 7 months and perfectly OK.
I guess my point is keep life as simple as possible and easy on yourself.
It's a phase, it will pass.

There isn't really a right or wrong with weaning it's about what fits in best with your baby and your family, and what works perfectly for one of your children may not work with the next.

DD was a spoon refuser to start off with. She got slightly better as time went on but only if it was daddy feeding her, and only if it was custard or rice pudding. She was desperate to hold the spoon herself though right from the word go even if she couldn't actually use it until she was nearly 12 months. Her cousin who is the same age loves being spoon fed and didn't really take to BLW at all. At 12 months they are both largely eating the same type and quantity of stuff even though they took different routes to get there.

I do a lot of cooking from scratch but DD is always in bed before we have our evening meal as DP isn't in early enough (she eats hers at 5.30 and is usually in bed asleep at 6.30, we have ours about 7). Rather than batch cooking specifically for her she has our left overs from the night before, so she essentially eats the same as us, but 24 hours later. Again, her cousin has a later bedtime and a family that eats earlier (5.30 as they have older children too) so she eats the same as her older siblings at the same time.

DD LOVES a pouch though and they are so so useful in the early weaning days when you are out and about. We did go through a stage where she was having a yoghurt pouch every day for breakfast but that stopped when she mastered the spoon to pot to mouth action. She doesn't really have them any more other than in emergencies but given half a chance she would. We never used jars at all because it was pointless because of the spoon refusal.

If I can't be arsed to cook and we have a chippy tea or something the night before then DD gets something like fishfingers, peas and a few chips/leftover boiled potatoes the day after, or I boil up some pasta and chuck in some tomato purée and a bit of cream to make a sauce.

Equally lunchtimes are usually sandwiches/ breadsticks and crudités. Sometimes if I'm really short on time she gets a whole tomato to eat like an apple and a stick of cheese (this is her favourite meal, I'm not being mean!)

So just do what works best for you and what fits in with your current lifestyle and fridge habits.

My first thought was ditch the spoon feeding and just let him get on with the food himself, it'll be a bit messier but he'll probably enjoy it more and it won't be such a battle.

Maybe take him for a walk in the pushchair at naptimes then bring him in the house and let him sleep in there while you do what you need to do.

Wrt blw at 10 months mine just had everything not just finger foods. They can have everything at ten months except honey and whole nuts.

My son is 10 months and hard work too so I sympathise.

Personally I don’t think it’s normal for him to be crying that much and I think it’s a sign that something is bothering him. I am probably influenced by my own experience which is that my DS is generally a happy baby but he has suffered with silent reflux (which we discovered relatively late) and can also be unhappy if he is ill, teething or overtired.

I suggest going to the doctor and discussing the possibility of reflux (including silent reflux) and food allergies or intolerances, and any other possible physical/medical causes for him being so unsettled.

I also agree with PPs that you should take the pressure off regarding meals. You’re creating a lot of work for yourself by making everything from scratch and trying to force him to eat when he’s not interested is going to be stressful and upsetting for you both. I suggest you just offer simple things with minimal or no preparation, let him feed himself (or not) and anything he eats is a bonus.

Until very recently DS would completely refuse to be spoon fed anything, and even now it depends on his mood - he mostly prefers to hold the spoon himself. He sometimes eats a decent amount and sometimes barely anything. So we just offer simple things or Ella’s pouches and try not to stress about it too much.

My son’s naps finally improved when we got the reflux under control so if there is an issue like that it might be revolutionary once it’s sorted. In the meantime don’t pressure yourself to entertain him all the time, get a playpen and if he’s happily playing in there just relax for a bit.

When the nights and sleep deprivation have been at their worst we have done very little indeed during the day, sometimes I feel guilty for not doing more to stimulate him, but I’m doing what I have to do to survive.

Oh and don’t feel bad about using childcare, he won’t feel abandoned and the break will help you to cope better the rest of the time.

The first thing you need to do is baby proof your lounge!!! Give him space to explore and be independent. You will need to baby proof at some stage.

Give basic finger food and a spoon to explore .... It sounds like he is relying on you too much. Reduce play before bed. Again allow him to explore his room before bath time, bath, book and milk and then bed.

He's not enjoying the massage, nor the feeding, jumparoo or bumbo.....he wants independence but he doesn't really know it yet and you don't give him any time alone.

Prop up his bed head on a couple of books just incase he is refluxing and if he settles more, please do take him to the GP... Think you may have noticed before now if he was refluxing.

Just coming back to this thread as been thinking about it overnight (sad I know)!! It's unlikely to be allergies if you've noticed no other symptoms than general unhappiness but PP are right, it could be silent reflux, but honestly, I really think your boy is frustrated. My DS would go mental at 10 minutes in a bumbo, let alone an hour! Try to give him more independence and in turn you'll hopefully get a happier baby and a little more time to yourself to get bits and bobs done. I really hope you can make some small changes that give you improvement, it must be horrible for both of you

I was remembering my DS1 (he's 2.5 now) and he was murder when we were weaning. I remember sending DH a photo of the empty bowl the first time he actually finished something and he was nearly 1! DS2 is a totally different kettle of fish and loves his food but so we're lots of my friends older kids and they still went through the 'toast and cereal only' phase, regardless of how they were weaned.

I've decided to take the stress off this time. DS2 hates to be confined (pram, car seat, bumbo etc) and he's happy just roaming around the floor so we do that. I shower at night so don't have to do it when he's up - sometimes little things like that help.

Imo pandering to bad behaviour just encourages it. He won't starve himself to death; he'll eat when he's hungry. If he throws food on the floor knowing full well that he'll be given melty puffs instead then he'll continue to do it. If he screams because he knows that you'll abandon cooking and come to play with him, he'll continue to do it. I'm afraid I would just let him scream and refuse to eat until he gets tired/hungry and realises I'm not reacting.

Bloody hell bella, you do know this is a 10 month old baby you're talking about?? Throwing food is entirely normal at that age, and it is fully reasonable for a baby to expect its mother to come to it if they're screaming, especially when silent reflux and other painful conditions can't be ruled out.

I agree with others - relax about mealtimes! Pouches / jars / finger foods - whatever is fine, don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

He sounds like he might be a bit overtired? He actually goes off to sleep about 8.30, wakes up at 6.30, so that’s 10 ish hours sleep (although you say he wakes in the night too, which would make it a bit less). 1hr max nap in the morning, plus another in the afternoon in pram, say another hour? That’s a total of 12 hrs sleep (maybe less with night wakes) - that’s a bit on the low side (I think baby should be having more like 13-14 hrs total sleep in 24hrs).

How do you get him to sleep for naps and night time? And how do you settle him in the night?

Feel free to ignore Bella!
Pandering to a 10 month old baby?

Some babies are really hard work! Cut as many corners as you need to to get through the day. This stage will be over soon enough.

Ps if your baby likes pushchair naps could you rock them back and forth in the pushchair at home at nap times? I’ve done this with dc2 and 3 and it’s meant so much more freetime than with dc1 who I desperately wanted to settle in her cot but she wasn’t having any of it.

OP you've had lots of great advice, but I just wanted to say that some babies just don't seem to like being babies.

My DS1 was like this. He hated laying down or anything that restrained him like a bumbo/ high chair / jumparoo. He wanted to move but hadn't quite reached the stage yet. Once he learned to walk he was a completely different child.

Can I also suggest you eat with him? Watching you will help him learn.