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Original poster

My 17 year old daughter has lost all respect for me since i have stopped working... help!

40 replies

anaisfinn123 · 26/01/2018 18:14

When I did work, I worked 45 hours a week but I don't work anymore for medical reasons, and my lovely daughter, who is excellent at school, has lots of friends and is very kind to everyone, treats me awfully. She is studying her A Levels and has no respect for me when I have spent my day doing housework, caring for her younger brother, preparing her meals, tidying her room as well as her brothers and my husband. I get tired quite easily and was telling her when I picked her up that I was tired and stressed and asked for her help with the housework. She looked at me and said that I had all day to do that and she had a lot on with school work. I understand that but since I have stopped working I feel as if she thinks I relax all day and so has no respect for me, believing that I am complaining when I am only asking for her help. I get the sense that she doesn't think she has to help me anymore because I don't have a job. How do I gain her respect for me again? Is this normal? Thanks

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lucylouuu · 26/01/2018 18:15

no advice but no that's not normal! she's your daughter and should have respect for you regardless

Phosphorus · 26/01/2018 18:16

She's probably afraid.

Confronting your parent's frailty is never easy.

She's hoping you'll just spring back and everything will be normal again.

billybagpuss · 26/01/2018 18:21

Is everything ok at school? I had the 17 year old from hell, it almost broke me, but everything that she was saying/shouting at me stemmed from other stuff going on.

Its very probably stress from school rather than lack of respect for you.

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frenchfancy · 26/01/2018 18:21

If she is 17 and in the midst of A levels the she is probably tired and stressed too.

I would stop asking her to do housework and start asking her about her day. I'm not saying she shouldn't help out but don't ask her when you've just picked her up, and maybe don't stress out about the housework so much.

UserSnoozer · 26/01/2018 18:22

It's not to do with your job per se. It's literally that to her you have all day to do housework as you're no longer at work when she's doing alevels (which are stressful enough) and to her that now is your "work" and she wouldn't help u do filing on a regular work day so why would she help with your new work

shakeyourcaboose · 26/01/2018 18:24

How old are her brothers? Is it typical sibling led 'i do everything' belief?

paniconthestreetsofdreams · 26/01/2018 18:25

I would say afraid.

DavidPuddy · 26/01/2018 18:28

Do you wonder if you might be projecting on to her, ever so slightly?

GeekyBlinders · 26/01/2018 18:29

Have you asked your husband and sons to help out as well? Maybe she feels she's being asked because she's a girl and objects to the idea of 'women's work'?

Original poster
anaisfinn123 · 26/01/2018 18:32

I have one son who is 2YO

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Original poster
anaisfinn123 · 26/01/2018 18:32

and i have another who is 8YO

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pigeondujour · 26/01/2018 18:33

I would hate to get picked up from a long day and start a conversation about what housework I was to help with when I got in, to be honest. Nor would I want my mum to tidy my room while I was out, and you caring for her younger brothers is nothing to do with her. A Levels are exhausting. Cut her some slack. What's your husband doing to help?

GeekyBlinders · 26/01/2018 18:38

The 8 year old could certainly be assisting round the house, in an age appropriate way. So could your husband. Do they?

Original poster
anaisfinn123 · 26/01/2018 18:39

Thanks, My husband helps a lot, and so do my sons. So I don't think it is because of stereotypical 'women's work'. I love her a lot. But she expects me to give her lifts all the time and make her meals even when i am out, to even simple things like tidying her room. I just want her to pull her weight in the family because one day she will have work to do and to look after herself, which she used to do when at secondary school and now doesn't do.

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AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 18:40

Honestly OP, from the example you have given it sounds like you are massively overreacting to describe her as having no respect for you. Unless there are lots of other incidents and this is the tip of the iceberg? Are you sure you’re not projecting your own thoughts because you feel a little uncomfortable with your new role within the family?

Original poster
anaisfinn123 · 26/01/2018 18:42

In the car, I ask how her day is gone as well, and what she is up to. I ask her politely after the conversation if she could help me out.

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AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 18:42

Cross post, sorry. But even with the new info it sounds like fairly typical teen behaviour.

Bluedoglead · 26/01/2018 18:43

Why are you tidying her room?

gamerchick · 26/01/2018 18:45

Instead of asking her to do housework give her her own responsibilities. Her own bedroom for a start. Stop the taxi service. My 18 yr old makes his own meals. You're not doing her any favours by letting her off with this stuff.

PickAChew · 26/01/2018 18:47

Well, if you don't chase after her tidying stuff up, she'll get sick of not being able to find things and if you don't rush back to feed her, she'll have the choice of being hungry or preparing something herself. There's only so much you can do and even with A level stress, she needs to be a little more self sufficient because no one will be doing everything for her when she has degree stress or work stress.

Obviously, the point about not nagging her as soon as you pick her up is an important one, though.

Do you think she's jealous of the extra attention her younger siblings are getting, now?

Original poster
anaisfinn123 · 26/01/2018 18:48

I haven't been working for about a year now and within the first few months, it started. The other day I asked her to take the recycling out, which is a two-minute job, as she was getting a glass of water before returning to do her work, and she said no at me rudely, and went back to her room. Things like this nearly daily.

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Alittleconcerned1980 · 26/01/2018 18:49

lovely daughter

I disagree

She is displaying a very negative personality feature. judgmental and unpleasant.

Your concern shouldn’t be about winning back her respect but rather about how to help your daughter overcome this kind of behaviour.

negomi90 · 26/01/2018 18:51

But getting home when you have a shed load of A level work on your mind to be asked to help around the house is stressful. Its not going to get a nice helpful response from a stressed 17 year old.
Give her a set chore or task to do regularly and let her do it on her own time. Ie the empty the dishwasher/washing up.
You get help, she knows that there's a small task for her to do and she can do it on her own terms.
Also she can tidy her own room (that takes a job off you), and can feed herself if not present for family meals. Again take away the angst.

Alittleconcerned1980 · 26/01/2018 18:51

You asked her to take out the recycling and she just said “no” rudely.

The next time she asks you to do something, you politely and calmly say “no”.

Riverside2 · 26/01/2018 18:53

To my mind, you stopped work for medical reasons, you'd need more help, not less?

Did you pick her up from school when you were working?

Also no idea why anyone tidies a 17 year olds room. Sorry to say I have a have a couple of friends who do this for late teens and those teens are so entitled and are being quite rude to their parents because they don't have a lift a finger. Late teens can do tons of stuff for themselves, yes on top of study and everything.