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Original poster

It's time for "the chat" ...

33 replies

londonista · 26/01/2018 11:18

Our 9 and a half year old has been asking a few questions of late about human reproduction. He doesn't know about 'sex' yet, as such, but he is getting interested in the biological mechanics of it all. I noticed you can still buy the book "Where did I come from?" which my parents gave to me over 30 years ago. Is that still the 'recommended text' for pre-teens, and if not is there another book you would recommend?
We will have a chat with him as well, but he's quite bookish and academic, and I know it'll sink in further if we give him a book about it as well.
He has a younger brother, who's 7 and a half. Would you tell them both? Or wait? Just looking for opinions.

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Ginmummy1 · 26/01/2018 13:03

Usborne 'What's Happening to Me?' is very good - there's one for boys and one for girls.

My DD is just seven, but has been asking questions about puberty etc. and wouldn't leave the subject alone until I promised to get a book! I've bought the girls book and am quite happy with the level of detail and the approach. We've read the first few pages together and it was fine, but she hasn't asked to read further so I'm not rushing as she's very young. I've kept it as 'my' book to read 'with' her.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:08

Thanks, will have a look.
I think I remember seeing that book when I was a child as well.
I was about 8 when my mum told me and my older brother.
My brother went straight out afterwards and told the neighbour's 6 year old daughter that she was going to start bleeding for a week every month "but don't worry, you won't die". Shock

Seem to recall that being quite a challenging conversation for my mum!

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BastardGoDarkly · 26/01/2018 13:10

I got the 'what's happening to me" book for ds when he was about 8. Just as something he can refer to if he hears a load of bollocks in the playground, we'd had lot's of chats before, and since, so no, I don't think 7 is too young.

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9 year olds Families General parenting
Fleetfox56 · 26/01/2018 13:12

Think it needs to been seen less as ‘the chat’ and more as one of many conversations you have about puberty and sex over many years. Psychologist Emma Kenny has done some good talks about it and says it’s something you should bring up rather than waiting for a child to ask, as some may not ask or be too shy too etc. I guess it’s about making it a comfortable subject they can feel able to talk to you about rather than see it as something awkward or embarrassing.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:15

Fleetfox, yes I think he's mostly interested in the mechanics of it all.
When he hits puberty he'll start having different emotions I guess, so yes I'm expecting we'll need to have some fairly frank discussions.
His dad is the very best of men, so I'm very hopeful I can turn out two respectful boys!

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humptyboggart · 26/01/2018 13:16

I just talked about adult female anatomy sort of as we went along. I have a dd and it has been part of what I talked to her about since she was small. "Where babies come from" and how they get there has also been part of that. Usborne books are there for her to dip into . My focus has been how are bodies work so it's less about sex and more about puberty.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:17

Bastard, they were watching Pixels, my son and his friends, and at the end when the 2 leads have a snog, I heard them all guffaw and say "gross" etc. Oh how times will change ... they'll be practicing snogging on their forearms before they know it!

My son is big on facts, Walking Wiki is his nickname.

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Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:19

Hmm yes, Humpty I see what you mean.
I guess my 9 and a half year old is going to be getting hair in odd places soon.
He still has dimples in his elbows though, just a lot to get my head around, that he might be on the edge of puberty Shock

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steppemum · 26/01/2018 13:19

The Usbourne book is great.

I have to say though, 9 is quite late, and you may be surprised by some of the misinformation he has picked up along the way.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:20

I mean, dimples in his elbows, like babies do.
To me, he still seems so young!!

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Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:20

Steppemum, oh bloody hell. I think you might be right....!
He's pretty innocent/clueless.

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Screaminginsideme · 26/01/2018 13:22

The usborne books are great I said to Dd read these pages and then ask me or daddy any questions you want and we’ll read these pages together etc.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:22

I'm getting that Usborne book now.

My husband keeps role-playing Little Britain type parent-child conversations with me where 50s-style dad awkwardly pushes a birds and the bees book into the child's hand, which isn't helping. He thinks he's being oh so hilarious!

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Fleetfox56 · 26/01/2018 13:39

It is an odd time as a parent I think when your child is on the verge of puberty. Some find it difficult to view their ‘baby’ as no longer a baby but an individual in their own right etc.. I think it is also an exciting opportunity though to get it right so to speak. It seems so many parents mess this bit up and aren’t open and honest, pass on their own shame or issues around their bodies and sex. It’s a stage I’m actually looking forward to. Unfortunately I had to learn everything from friends and magazines.

gillybeanz · 26/01/2018 13:41

I never had "the chat" with any of ours, we were just open.
There didn't seem to be any need and we just answered questions as they came up, no books required. It wasn't intentional but we found it helped in later years as they knew they could talk to us about anything and that's a huge worry off your shoulders as they get into teen years.
You know that huge insecurities to them won't become mh issues.
As I say, not intentional, just a result.
Not to be smug, just wanted to pass it on.

BertieBotts · 26/01/2018 13:42

There's one called Let's Talk About Sex which is quite good although the one aimed at 9yo is called 'It's so amazing'. I might get that for mine although want to have chat sooner rather than later. We've talked fairly often about puberty, periods etc but not frankly about sex so it's probably a good idea to bring it up.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:46

Gilly, I'm inclined to agree, but a PP has pointed out that actually he's probably heard a whole lot of crap already and needs to be set straight.
I'm thinking if we sit him down and have a chat with him, give him a book, it might be a good starting point.

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Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:47

Bertie - I think I'd like to make sure my boys understand what is happening to girls as well as boys. I would really hate to raise boys that think it's okay to make jokes about 'being on the rag' or 'time of the month, love?'. Ugh. What a parenting fail.

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Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:47

Will look up Let's Talk about Sex though Bertie, thanks. Does it cover consent etc?

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BertieBotts · 26/01/2018 13:50

I can't remember now but I liked that it had a page about gay relationships.

gillybeanz · 26/01/2018 13:52

londonista

I think that's great for a starting point, I didn't mean to diminish the positives of sitting down with a book.
As long as communication is good and they can talk to you anytime then imo you've cracked it.
It's just having three dc and seeing how they and their friends coped/ didn't cope with teen years, just thought it worth mentioning.
It just seems a good time to confirm that you are always there to listen, trust and confide. After hearing the stories of woe I can't stress this enough.

Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:54

Gilly - yes, think you're absolutely right.
I'm hoping they always feel they can chat to us, and that their first sexual experiences aren't too much like an episode of the Inbetweeners!!

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Original poster
londonista · 26/01/2018 13:56

Bertie, that sounds good. He's got friends that have 2 dads, so I'm hoping the gay thing will be a non-issue.
Do teenagers still use the word "gay" as in 'a bit wet' to describe things?

Gonna need an urban dictionary soon, innit ... (sorry)

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steppemum · 26/01/2018 14:04

we have always been very open, and our kids have always known about reproduction and sex etc.

My aim was to answer any question without them thinking it was an odd question. So one day over lunch, ds was 10 and dds then 8 and 5, we had a long conversation about what condoms were and why people use them, in response to some stuff ds said (I was particularly glad that there were friends round on that day)

But at some point I did get each of them the puberty book, mainly becuase I knew they would read it and there may be stuff we hadn't covered, or stuff that they didn't want to ask about.
I like the fact it was matter of fact and mentioned wet dreams etc, that wasn't one that came up in conversation!

Fleetfox56 · 26/01/2018 14:08

Good advice from Gilly. I agree that you are saving a lot of heartache and issues later down the line with your approach and clearly it’s worked for your kids. Teen years can be so tricky. Looking back on my own I do wish I’d been able to confide in my parents, did some silly stuff and got myself into bad situations which maybe could have been avoided if communication had been open and honest and there wasn’t shame and embarrassment.