What was your mum like as a mummy and what does she think of your parenting?

[charliecat]

What was your mum like as a mummy and are you like her or do you try to be everything she wasnt?
And what does your mum think of the way your bringing up your children?
Discuss!!

no im not ive got no patience and she winds me up so much i spend all my life shouting and now im in tears thinking how nasty i must be she really is a little darling for everyone else but for me she is a bugger !

ooops i killed the thread x

nikcola - she behaves like that because she knows you love her and will forgive her anything, whereas other people are unknown quantities. i am sure you are a fabby mummy. you've had so many health problems recently that its no wonder you are feeling its harder to cope with her than normal

I'll save it!!!! I love my mum dearly but she was and is always one to brush over things and never really likes to confront problems which in turn can cause problems. She has, however, never said whether or not she thinks i am a good parent but has said that the children are adorable.

oh dear, I thought I would resist my personal piece of catharsis, but here goes:-

my mother had many good qualities as a mother - encouraging me to be tolerant of other people, encouraging me to achieve academically but she couldn't help but replicate the effects of her upbringing - as she had very low self-esteem, and was criticised a great deal by her mother as a young girl, and was ashamed of how she had "ruined" her life by being an unmarried mother on the dole, she didn't bring me up to have a great deal of pride in myself, and in many ways encouraged me to be ashamed of my background. Also once I was 13 or so, she woke up to life (and her biological clock) passing her by, and dedicated a great deal of effort to improving her appearance to help her find her knight in shining armour, and took out her frustrations upon me, by becoming argumentative at times, and making some very negative comments towards me during rows. Once I left home for university, and she married my step-father, and realised that life with a husband isn't a bed of roses, our relationship improved hugely, and she was extremely supportive to me during my pg (i suffered from anxiety and depression). She is a devoted grandmother to ds, and makes positive comments about how I deal with DS. In all, could be better, could be worse - in many ways she did the best job she could under dificult circumstances, but at times I feel she unfairly put her needs before mine.

What can I say? I have the most loving, supportive, kindest mum you would ever want to meet. Our needs always came first and she gave me the most fantastic childhood I could of ever wished for....may not of had material things but the love was amazing. Mum has 5 grandchildren from ageing from 17yrs to 21 yrs from my bruv and sis and then my ds who is 5 months, alot has changed since she had her own children and the grandchildren and some of her ideas are outdated but I know her words of advice come from the heart. I count my blessings every day for having such a wonderful and special Mum...Funny how after having a child myself I can appreciate all my mums efforts..sorry for the gushyiness..is that aword

There are some really heartwarming posts on here. And some really sad ones too. Made me realise that however much she winds me up, sometimes, I am very grateful to have my mother.

As a child, a teenager and a young adult I thought my mother was a. perfect and b. unique. Things have got more complicated since then but I've also realised quite what she had to deal with in her own life ? in particular she was only a child herself when her mother had a severe nervous breakdown after caring for her mother (my great-grandmother) who was suffering from senile dementia.

I know that to this day my mum misses her own parents dreadfully. Her mother died when she was 21 and her father when she was 24 and I was just a baby. She was an only child so felt very alone, and has done ever since ? she's got lots of friends but I know she wishes desperately that she'd known her parents as an adult and that her own mum and dad had been around to see us grow up.

My mum was a brilliant role model in lots of ways. She made life fun and exciting and we were always secure in her love. She combined being an ambitious, professional woman with being politically active and a fantastic cordon-bleu cook, expert needlewoman, domestic diva and great play mate. No-one else's mummy made such great birthday cakes (still remember the one that looked like Dougal from the Magic Roundabout!) or took all the kids off for a fish and chips party for their birthday, or took their children out canvassing for the election (she dressed us in bright red coats to ram the point home!).

Hard to live up to in many ways ? I just keep telling myself that she was a perfectionist and I don't have to be brilliant at baking cakes as well as getting to the top of my field and changing the world. (And she did a lot of this as a single mum too ? I really can't imagine how she managed.) But all that energy she poured into achieving in so many different areas probably had a lot to do with her own mental health crisis a few years ago (as well as family history, I should imagine)
.
She can be very critical of us. We were always supposed to do well and she had no patience with weakness. It wasn't until I'd left home and was living with dp (now dh) that I worked out it was OK to cry if you were unhappy. I think she had to be emotionally very tough to cope and passed that on to us as if it was a virtue. She can still wound me more than any other person in the whole world (when I have a row with dh it doesn't even come close).
She's made it very plain that she thinks dh and I are wrong about some things (got amazingly irate about baby baths, FFS) and that she thinks dh is pathetic for not earning enough money to allow me to stay at home until ds is a few years older.

All in all, I think I've been really lucky to have such an amazing, interesting and (mostly) supportive mother. Hey, she's not perfect, but neither am I. And I hope I've learned from the not-so-perfect bits. Hope ds will be able to give me as good a review in 20 or 30 years time!

I used to call my mom sir, starting from about 8 yrs. old, and didn't realize why, until I got older, was because she was such a strict disciplinarian. I know she just cringes at the way we deal with the baby, but at least she keeps quiet about it.

I didn't realise how bad a parent my mother was until I had children myself. She and my dad split when I was about 6, and I guess she went to pieces. I remember never having clean clothes or brushed hair going to school. I would be left alone in the house late at night while she drove the babysitter home (she worked nights). When I got older things were better, but in our house convenience was king, so if there was an instant or frozen version of a foodstuff we had it, and from the time I was about 10, if I was hungry I had to cook. My brother and sister are older, and they helped with all that. Mother never cleaned, we children did that, to the best of our ability. Because she had a fear of losing her job she never showed up for sports days or other school things, and never took a night off, just to be at home with us.
Having said that she is great fun, and would take us out to restaurants at the drop of a hat (less work than cooking), would buy great Christmas presents and all that, but not good at the practical stuff at all.
It's only since I had children that it's really bothered me, and so we have real food, clothes are always spotless, and ironed, the children have a bed-time, and a routine. All the things I needed as a child. No-one has coffee and a biscuit for breakfast because that's all there is to eat.
If she ever comments at all on how I bring up my children, I resent it, even though it is mostly complimentary. I mean how would she know?
She is now bed-ridden, so I cleaned the house for her last week-end. She had the nerve to give me cleaning tips.
To be fair I think she did the best she could. I just want to do better.

I was scared of my mum and I still am aged 36 - I put this down to the fact that she smacked me as a child - hard - and was very moody and withdrawn.

I deliberately do not use physical discipline myself..

My mum was and still is a wonderful mother. I don't know how she did it with 4 children under the age of 5 ...
She never did arty crafty stuff with us or played with us and I can't ever remember her reading me a story BUT I think the main thing my mother did for us was be there, she listened to us and talked to us. And most of all I think that all of us were safe in the knowledge that she loved us and would die for us.
I think she gave up a lot for my dad and for us, she has spent her life travelling the world for my dad's job, never able to follow any kind of a career herself (she was a midwife before she had children) but she has never ever made us feel that she regretted it.
She is a marvellous cook and an incredible cake maker ... she is a wonderful grandma and I miss her like mad.
I think she thinks I am a good mother but it was a bit shaky to start with as I had PND and she wasn't really that sympathetic about it (she felt there was a stigma attached - mental illness and all that) but as I grew in confidence I stopped comparing myself to her and she is now a great support to me. Even though I live 12000 miles away from her I still will phone her up for advice about DS or DD if they are ill.
She isn't the best mother in the world but she is MY mother and so that makes her the best in my eyes.

Oh, love this thread. Got me thinking now. Today, my mum remembers very little about how she raised us. For example, she is not able to recall how long (or if) she breastfed any of us. How odd is that? She claims that she thought she did, but she says she remembers getting mastitis with one of the three of us, but doesn't remember which. What I remember is that she worked a lot, had a hot temper, was not very well liked, did not care much about her looks, and was fairly laid back with us - probably because she was so consumed with work. When I think back on it, aside from work which was sort of her passion, she had no hobbies or joys. She didn't like television, movies, music - the things that I enjoy now. We rarely ate at a restaurant, rarely went on vacation, but I basically feel like I had a nice childhood. I recall that it was a treat to go to McDonalds, a rare occasion. There was always food on the table, and I didn't feel like I lacked much. We didn't do many 'fun' or 'educational' things - as I try to do now with mine, but I know she loved (and loves) me now and forever. My mum says that she thinks I'm a good mum except that she thinks that I sometimes get impatient with my 2 yo.

The thing I am constantly amazed by is that she wasn't really a great cook, but we somehow managed to have dinner together every evening as a family. I get overwhelmed sometimes thinking about how much time I spend (and will spend) on buying, preparing, cooking meals. I don't know how she did it without a microwave and prepared foods.

I really don't remember much about my childhood. My mum used to make all my clothes (& I hated it- I just wanted M&S dresses like everyone else!) & fantastic birthday cakes. My parents were very strict & very concerned about academic success. Mum used to say "just do your best" but I always felt I was a disappointment to them.

She used to control me by threatening to cut my hair. Sounds daft but it's given me a real complex about hair, so I used to actually fall out with boyfriends when they had their hair cut short. (Now I just have problems with DSs who want ultra short hair). If I protested about having to have a ponytail her response was always to threaten to cut it off "at the band, so it's really short"

As I got older I felt she always had time for everyone but me. My younger brother was the blue-eyed boy, while I did everything wrong. She ran a playgroup & Brownie pack & everything she brought home was for them. She would take toys she'd decided we no longer needed & give them to the playgroup- without asking- & I was the sort of child who was terribly attached to my things.

She always criticised me & when I dared to try to find other adults to love she was jealous & quite spiteful. I could never go to her about sex or that sort of thing. I tried asking when I was 14 if it was normal that my periods had changed from 7 days to 5. Her immediate response was to demand to know if I'd been "mucking about". After 2 years of that I was so fed up with being accused of doing something I hadn't, I thought I might as well do what I was being accused of...

She spent my teens telling me how horrible I was & how hard I was making everyone else's life, & we used to have these terrible shouting & screaming matches that my dad & brother hid from. I got married at 20 just to get away.

She is an expert with babies & made me feel hopelessly inadequate. When they were small she constantly told me she couldn't understand why I'd had 4 since I wasn't cut out for it (in front of them) & generally criticised everything I did, from their names to their diet, for not "leaving them to cry", for their "dirty" coats, their too-long hair (!) & just about everything.

When my dad died 8 years ago I realised I hadn't actually spoken to her for years!

Since then she has had to mellow. She tends to take on the opinions of who ever she's been with last, which is irritating, but she has made a point recently of keep telling me how well the children have turned out & what a good job I did. If only she could have been like that 15 years ago when I really needed it.

Oh, and about 10 years ago my grandma (mum's mum) said to me, "of course, you could never do anything right for your mom. Even married the wrong man".... gee thanks, mum!

THere are some lovely posts here, and some very sad ones too. I'll try not waffle on mine. In many ways I would like to follow in my mum's footsteps - as a child I always felt loved and wanted, had what I wanted and needed without being spoilt, generally had a close relationship with both my parents, so there must have been an awful lot that was done right. The practical stuff that I wouldn't do is probably more a question of the differences between generations and changing attitudes rather than me feeling that she did something fundamentally 'wrong'. I wouldn't smack (I hope) for example, whilst I was smacked, but so was everyone else, pretty much!

Sadly, our relationship now is far more complicated than it ever was throughout my childhood, and it is often very painful and difficult. I have silently promised ds many times over the last few months that I would die before I put him through some of what I have gone through with her. I would never want to place on him some of the burdens that I feel I have shouldered from her. But that's another thread!

Perhaps surprisingly, then, we rarely disagree on parenting issues. I am more laidback and happy to think 'It's just a phase' whereas she sometimes gives the impression she thinks I'm too casual, but apart from that general difference in attitude, I think she approves. I want her to think I am a good mum, it matters to me. She does tend to imply that db and I were perfect babies (and, by implication, she a perfect mother) but I know that's crap and ignore it. To be fair, she's never said 'That's wrong' or 'You shouldn't do it like that' etc etc, which is probably the best I could expect. I think she finds it vaguely amusing that I read so many parenting books and use mumsnet etc so much - I would love for her to sometimes say 'Don't worry about it, you're doing fine,' but know she never will and just have to accept it and tell myself instead!

My mum raised 3 of us (2 boys and then me). She stayed home and did a wondeful job I think. I only have memories of her being nice to us, and I now realise what an incredibly patient person she is! She has a great sense of humour, a great appetite for life as she nearly died after having me, and nearly lost my dad when a truck drove into his car, although they are not things that she would mention. She just gets on with it. She is a brilliant cook, always made everything herself including jars and jars of jam. She was/is always liked by our friends. A generally amazing woman in my eyes. Very smart and cultured as well, very open minded, full of praise for my parenting skills (hahaha!), never complains. I could never be that great, but at least I can get inspiration from her. Maman je t'aime!

My mum was and is great and it is the little things that are most appreciated. Sometimes she does drive me nuts with some of her comments as she gets older but when I think of the things she does purely out of love and caring it makes me cry. Stuff like that is worth more than anything, any money and makes you realise what is important in life. Just the wee things like offering me their car when ours was written off, ironing whenever she is over, saving things for me to look at or might be interested in - it all shows that she is thinking of me constantly and now with her grandaughter to think of, she piles on the care there too. My folks don't have much money but what they give in love is worth a billion times more.

PIL are so different - nice enough people but would write a cheque rather than pick up the phone and just see how you were doing. My SIL lived next door to them and never once did MIL go in to give her a hand. Alway ready with a comment on child rearing though. Having said that they are always delighted to see their granddaughter but we always have to go to them. And they are the first to comment if DH's siblings don't call. Hmmm phones work both ways but they sit on their thrones and expect 'the family' to pay hommage to them.

My mum loves us but had us in her early twenties (unplanned) which put her ambitions on hold. They had little money and I think she found being a mum difficult and resented it for the opportunities she missed out on. Later on she had opportunities training and working as both a teacher and a lawyer... and is duly obsessed with money, career and status. Fun was duly missing in our household.

Retrospectively I realise how neurotic, insecure and manipulative she is. My brother and I always felt second best as my parents always put themselves first in nearly every situation.

As a gran she is improving and though we live incredibly close and they do help out it is always on their terms she would never make a commitment. The day DS2 was born she had a prior commitment and kept it, not seeing DS2 till the next day. That sort of behaviour I find incomprehensible.

On the other hand my parents are generous, hospitable and adore their grandchildren.

Mostly I think she thinks that I am a good mum and the kids are happy and well adjusted. She certainly would never offer a negative opinion.

Hey im new here but i really need some advice does any other mums get made to feel like their the bad guy and the dad is the good guy because the dad is just to layed back lets the baby sleep when we the ones that make sure they been desnotted when their ill etc winded properly so they comfy when they go to sleep im starting to feel like im a bad mum should i just let the baby sleep and get and even more bad tummy when hes allready colicy and got suspected cmpa so gets uncomfortable when gassy 🥺 but his dad if he had it his way he'd let him sleepbim scared that when hes older hes not going to see me as the person that tried to make sure he was cared for but just see his dad as the cool one bare in mind when he works and we live seperate so im his main care giver i take him to the drs i get him medication when hes not well and got stuffy nose im starting to feel unseen lately 🥺