What was your mum like as a mummy and what does she think of your parenting?

[charliecat]

What was your mum like as a mummy and are you like her or do you try to be everything she wasnt?
And what does your mum think of the way your bringing up your children?
Discuss!!

Oh this is going to be a corker!!

My mum was wonderful - did loads of stuff with us when we were small (craft-type things, games, reading, etc), was kind without being indulgent (e.g. we were allowed 2 sweeties each after lunch and dinner, no more between meals), and only smacked us occasionally after warnings etc. The worst thing that could possibly happen was for her to say "Wait till I tell your father about this when he comes home" (he never punished us really, it was just the idea of his displeasure that upset us). My brother and I are both v close to our parents still.
I have a 2.5 yr old and a baby and I think my mum thinks I'm a good parent, but as a rule she often comments on how "wanky" parents are today. She teaches reception so has plenty of interaction with the modern parent. She can't understand why people can't seem to discipline their kids and let them have sweets and toys constantly, and never tell them off properly for bad behaviour.
I know I let our toddler watch too much TV but it's hard to get anything done without it. My mum says I never watched that much, but then I think "Well, there just wasn;t so much ON TV back then, now it's all day long, and kids know that".
On the whole I'd like to be as good a mother to my kids as my mum was to me. I feel very comfortable leaving them with her as I know she won't ever over-indulge them and that she sticks to my "rules" even when I'm not there. In fact, I feel better when they're with her than with DH, as he just indulges their every whim, which drives me muts!

This is really interesting for me as my mum still has 2 very young children. I love my mum to bits but she is a useless parent (despite having 5 kids!). Mum is very baby-oriented but has no idea when it comes to anyone over the age of 2. She is actually very childlike herself and finds it pretty impossible to be in control of herself and the kids. She is not interested in playing games, is phobic about mess and uses cleaning as a way of avoiding too much interaction IYSWIM. her main "fault", which I think is a common one, is that she lets little ones get away with murder but expects them to be 100% obedient "naturally" when they get to age 4.

What does he think of me as a parent? She really disaaproves of me working f/t. She thinks I'm neurotic about food (mum believes in micromeals) and cannot understand my "relaxed" approach to house-keeping (i.e. i know it gets blitzed once a week when the cleaner comes, so apart from kitchen and loo) don't feel the need to polish everyday. When DD was younger she felt I was too "strict". But, she does concede that DD is (99% of the time!) a happy, confident, well-behaved little girl.

So, my mum is a template of things to avoid. I don't ever want DD to feel emotionally and financially responsible for me (as I do for my mum), my mother is not a "parent" to me, she's my trial run at having a teenager. Still love her to bits though.

Thankfuly we don't have any contact with MIL who was downright neglectful of DH.

my mum was intolerant, critical, favouritism (not me) blind temper, impatient...
she had somne good points she fed us beautifully, educated us well, but I still cannot remember her ever having any affection for me to this day it stands.
I know I am impatient, intolerant and moody, but I am so aware of my failings and work hard to control them for the sake of my kids and hubby, she is still in denial, despite having fallen out with every member of her considerable family (9 bros and sisters) and all of my family at some point.
She thinks I am too soft and worry too much and spoil them... Everyone else i know thinks I am quite tough on my kids, most especially my eldest...

I only have fond memories of my childhood. I'm an only child and my Mum didn't work so I had lots of undivided attention. We would enjoy lovely days out and I was always allowed to take a friend along and on holidays too. I was pretty much treated like an adult from an early age. We had lots of fun and were and still are very close. As a teenager I could tell her pretty much everything, she was the calming influence between me and my Dad! As far as unconditional love and encouragement goes she is the best, and if my kids grow up as secure as I did I'll be well pleased.

Hmm a bit side tracked with her social life and work but she had good intentions nevertheless. My childhood was a bit of a none event tbh.
I am determined to do the opposite of course and I have so far, although our lives seemed to be identical in every other way.
My mum is very happy with the way I parent and is a bit jealous in a way of how well I'm coping as she didn't in the same circumstances.
Her hands off approach is the complete opposite to my hands on, co-sleeping, breast feeding, babywearing style of parenting.

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My mum was very laid back because she'd already 'done it all' with my sister so she assumed she knew what to do with me - "I just shoved food down your neck", "I just left you to play" etc etc.

She thinks I'm too 'precious' about dd, not letting her play on the floor with the dogs, giving her organic food, letting her take her own time about changing from a bottle to a cup etc. But on the whole she seems to be pleasantly surprised. She thought I'd be far more stressed about it than I am (I must be able to hide stress well!!) and actually remarked the other night on how surprised she was that I was so patient with dd when she was overtired and have a scream.

Thats lovely Northerner - as it looks like we will be bringing our DD up as an only child, what you describe is what I am aiming for. We'll see how it goes!

My mum was pretty good too I guess, I certainly have no bad memories that stand out. Fairly relaxed and time for us all considering there were 3 of us. I only really fell out with her when I was pregnant and I blame that on hormone madness. She tries to be a good granny and respect our boundaries, but I think sometimes she just dosn't understand why we get so het up about things. In her day there were limited choices - few mothers worked, bottle feeding was advocated and the baby was put in a playpen, or left outside in the pram, while mum got on with her chores. Discipline was also tight and we got a belt if we were out of line.

Worked for her/us.

I lovely, kind woman with endless patience. She was pretty busy all the time (with 4 kids and a part time job) and when i was a teenager she seperated from my dad so she became slightly distant. The only (minor) thing i would change is that she was very old school in terms of talking about anything to do with sex/feelings - I would hope to be more open with my children about stuff like that overall, if i am one tenth the mum that she was I will have suceeded.

Oh and she never interferes about how I bring up DS, only offers advice when asked for and is generally a brill grandma too.

As a very young child it's hard to remember. I know I had a happy time growing up, had a huge imagination and would play imaginary style fantasy games all day. As an older child I remeber things a lot clearer and my mum was amazing tbh.

She somehow managed that fine line between caring enough so that I knew she was always just behind me and also giving me enough freedom to be me, find out who I was and express myself. I always really admired that about her.

The one thing that always stopped me going to far and getting into trouble and going off the rails was I couldn't bear the thought of letting her down and seeing her disappointment with me in her face. Kept me out ofa lot of trouble!

Now as an adult and amother myself she is absolutley amazing. Does so many things for me still. Example - this morning I dropped off Lottie and said you don't have an antihistimine do you and she said 'Yes, i bought you some'! I also dropped off my ironing for my holiday that she'll give to her ironing lady. Just smallish things but constant and so thoughtful. She's incredibly supportive never intrusive. Kind, generous, loving, mad, good fun, and gorgeous.

ohh, got all teary then!

I just hope I can be half the mum to lottie that she's been to me.

I don't want to leave my nan out of this either as it's her that MY mother learnt from so me, Lottie and my Mum all have her to thank. Love you Nana, RIP

Oh Thomcat - that made me cry too! Your mum sounds wonderful and a terrific granny.

I think about this topic a lot (far too much probably). My mother was a career woman but didn't quite reach the dizzying heights of her industry that she was headed for before she had children, and I think she remained obsessed with money and status til the day she died. She went through phases of unemployment and got very stressed and depressed about it and I remember as a child thinking that she valued her work more than her family. I don't think this was actually true, but it felt like it, esp as she had a hot temper and would often take her frustrations about work out on my sister and I at home. She was also an alcoholic although the heaviness of her drinking also went in phases and she managed often to pull it back when it got too bad. So far, so bad. HOWEVER, she was also an extraordinary person, she had huge energy for things like sewing and baking (I will always make my children's birthday cakes, no matter what, as I couldn't imagine what Mum would think if I didnt!). She cooked for us, ran the house (no wonder she was stressed) shopped for bargains and was enormously funny and good company. She was also incredibly interested in what we were doing and even though it often spilled over into interference, I miss having someone to call when I find a great sale bargain, or put too much barley into my chicken soup so that it turns into a brick.

I wonder endlessly what she would think of my life now and what she would think of her grandchildren. She would be a terrific granny - the burden of everyday family life would be lifted and she could have got on with making costumes and pulling hoarded toys out of the attic. I think she would find it hard that I only work part time, she would see it as a criticism of her which I guess it is in a way.

Sorry this is going on forever. You've hit a raw nerve this morning! I'll stop now.

Twiglett - my mum sounds so like yours and we are also a family of just girls (only 3 of us though) which I think made it easier to be a friend instead of a mother. My father also worked overseas so for the latter part of my childhood when I was at boarding school and living in NI my mum was with us half terms/full time - so it was a bit 'all girls together' which was horrible as we had to support her.

She is still very selfish and even though she apologises for her bad mothering she usually blames my dad (they are now divorced).

I think my mum is jealous of my mothering tbh although she does compliment me I find it hard to accept them as I don't believe her. I also think she wishes she had boys and I am actually quite anxious about having a daughter in case I end up mothering her like my mother mothered me!

I don't really have a great relationship with my mum tho I don't think she feels the same. She does interfere and always wants to 'fix' things for you rather than just comfort you iykwim.

She also hates it when the 3 of us talk and she isn't involved or we feel we can't go out without including her which is really tough.

She also gives backhanded compliments - complimenting you whilst slagging your sister off. She was an only child which I also think had some bearing on her mothering skills and why she wants to be so involved with us as friends and not daughters. Now my grandparents are elderly she resents it and wants us to help out as if they were our parents which means we never get to have them as grandparents, and she moans about them and my father constantly - she lives an awful lot in the past tho she would deny it.

All in all its hard with her as a mum and I do tend to avoid her which is quite hard as she lives in my street!! Which is also why I want to move. My 2 sisters live in Australia and Edinburgh so they got away. Everyone else always thought and still does think my mum is great - no on e sees the other side to her. Since childhood we have called her 'the hostess with the mostest' because nothing was a problem to the outside world whilst we lived with her moods and unhappiness etc, but she never left my father which I think she should have done.

Sorry - thats turned into a novel - touched a raw nerve as I am sorting through family stuff at the moment finally!!

my mum was firm but fair and is the rock in our family.....as for my parenting she never comments (.i.e negatively)....she says its all so different now.....she just tells me I have a lovely little boy so must be doing something right...

What an interesting thread to read through.

Can i just be a bit sad about something and sharie it with you please?

I've just thought of something that has made me really sad.

My little baby girl will very likely never be a mummy herself so I won't be able to pass my mothering skills onto her and therefore my mothers and my nanas.

That's just SO sad . I know what's important is that I am the best mother I can be to her and I know I may, God willing, have more children, but she's my only child right now and my baby girl and I've just been hit by the thought that she will probably never be a mummy herself.

I don't usually think that far into the future and do things like this to myself, but
God that's just such a big ouch

Sorry. Probably should just have kept that to myself but it's typed now so...

Lets get back to the actual topic.

oh Thomcat

god, thomcat, that's a biggie. i have a friend who's dd is in urgent need of medical treatment which would save her life..but leave her infertile. she feels sad about that too. x

Thomcat - you've made me cry twice this morning. Lottie is a very lucky little girl indeed.

Thomcat that is sad.....but Lottie is a beauty (and I still want those boots!)
I think that's partly why my ds is so special to my mum - she never thought I'd have a child (well I never intended to...)

Sorry! Crying again now

Still a good thread though

Might go and share this one over on special needs and not be miserable here!

My mum was fantastic, and I can only dream of being as good a mum as her. I don't know what she thinks of my parenting, she died 5 years ago, when ds1 was only 10 weeks old. She never met ds2.

Oh Thomcat don't be sad. You might not be able to pass on your mothering skills to Lottie but you can pass on your passion for life, your sense of humour and your lovely kind caring nature.

Thanks Northener.

Lou, I do know that already but just wanted to say sorry again. That's a big ouch too honey. Lots of love, TC xx

my mum never used to do anything with me except feed me, pack me to school, shout at me, hit me, and let my gradfather abuse me. She loved and still loves my sister to bits. She never even once came to parents evenings, concerts or plays i was in at school and my school reports were never good enough. I used to get grounded for a month at a time with no telly and dish washing duty instead, for stupid things like if i didnt have enough money in my money box (from other grandparents for birthdays etc) so she could buy cigarettes. She thinks i was stupid to have kids and was always telling me what to do with them. I hope I will never be the mother she was.