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Original poster

Leaving 4 week old to cry

39 replies

Oysterbabe · 21/01/2018 12:55

I have a 2 year old (25 months) and 4 week old. 3 or 4 days a week I'm on my own with them all day and I'm really struggling to give them both enough attention. 4 week old would love to just feed and snooze on my chest all day, which is obviously impossible, but I feel bad because my first child did exactly that. I've just put the 2 year old down for her nap, which takes about 10 minutes. Unfortunately I need to stay with her and pat her back for her to go to sleep. The whole time I could hear the baby screaming his head off and I feel awful, first child was never left to cry. Please tell me that I'm not damaging him forever? I don't see what else I can do, toddler needs to nap and she needs quiet time with me to settle her down. Also often when I'm feeding the baby the toddler will ask me to play and just looks really sad when I tell her I'll play after I've fed the baby. My husband has only just gone back to work after paternity leave I just feel like I'm doing a terrible job and neglecting them both.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

DragonsAndCakes · 21/01/2018 12:58

Toddler naps don’t last forever, so is there a fudge that will see you through? I had to walk mine in a buggy at that age. Baby in a sling. It felt ridiculous but I couldn’t think of anything else to do.
Failing that would the baby be quiet in a sling while you put the toddler to bed? Or can you keep the toddler awake until the baby is asleep?

I appreciate the answer to those suggestions may just be ‘no’ . Good luck. It’s hard.

ppeatfruit · 21/01/2018 13:01

No you're not neglecting them! If it were me I'd take them out maybe twice a day! Get the 2 yr old to run about so she just drops off quickly! Tiny babies don't get damaged by being left to cry for a few minutes!

You couldn't read to her while you're feeding the baby? Hold her on your lap or cuddle her closely too?

nannynick · 21/01/2018 13:07

Personally when I have worked in a similar situation, I have had baby in a sling. At 4-weeks they can be very little, so some adjustments to a sling may be needed but your aim is to attach them to you in a safe position where they are happy and you are hands free.

Toddlers learn to adapt to having a younger sibling. They can sit next to you on the sofa with a collection of toys/books and you can feed baby whilst also interacting with them. Toddlers learn to wait, it's not for very long.

Just keep trying different things until you find something that works for you, your baby and your toddler. In a few months time things will be different as baby may be happy not to be constantly held.

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0-3 months old 2 year olds Babies & sleep Families

SpaceDinosaur · 21/01/2018 13:09

Pop baby in a nice stretchy wrap that will allow you the full use of your hands to look after your older baby.

You can even breastfeed in a sling too! Handsfree Boobing is AWESOME!

BIWI · 21/01/2018 13:11

TBH your two year old shouldn't need you to help her go to sleep. She should have learnt to self-settle by now!

It would be better to leave her and give your attention to your new baby who is too little to be left to cry.

TittyGolightly · 21/01/2018 13:12

TBH your two year old shouldn't need you to help her go to sleep. She should have learnt to self-settle by now!

Utter horseshit.

Sittinonthefloor · 21/01/2018 13:13

It's tough! But it is a quick phase! Imo you shouldn't leave a 4 week old to cry. You may have to change the routine. I remember sling and buggy walks at that stage being the key to survival- with dc 1 napping in the buggy. And CBeebies!!

bobstersmum · 21/01/2018 13:14

I wouldn't leave a 4 week old to cry for more than a couple of mins. I have been there more than once so I know it's so hard, but your 2 year old will understand more than the baby that you can't be in two places at once! Could you not hold the baby while you pat the little one to sleep?
There are times it absolutely cant be avoided and baby will have to cry but I think daily to be crying while you have to console the older child to sleep, could be avoided?
I'm not bashing in any way!

teaandbiscuitsforme · 21/01/2018 13:20

I have a 21mo gap and always BF DS whilst I was putting DD to bed and then I'd take DS for a nap in bed. Or he would be in the sling. I wouldn't have left him or let him cry TBH.

BrawneLamia · 21/01/2018 13:50

I agree with everyone else about getting a sling.

For the toddler nap, ideally I would wait until the baby is asleep before putting the toddler down. This will have the bonus of both children being asleep at the same time and you can have some time to yourself too.

It is hard though. Many times I ended up stuck on the sofa under two napping children, I would be feeding the baby and my toddler would give up and snuggle up to us for her nap.

ppeatfruit · 21/01/2018 13:54

Or maybe feed the baby to sleep BEFORE getting the toddler to bed, or he could be in his strap in soft chair so you could rock him with your foot!

I think that tiny babies are less likely to notice being left ,safely,for a few minutes than the older child especially at 2!!!! That's a difficult age!

Justanotherzombie · 21/01/2018 13:57

I'd be more inclined to leave the 2 yr old to fuss because you can pop back and forward and explain. I think you'll be amazed how fast they learn to sort themselves out once you really have to challenge them to. The 4 week old won't not cry no matter how you put your foot down but the 2 yr old will.

Lules · 21/01/2018 14:03

When my 2 year old needs to nap we either go for a walk in the double buggy or we all go to my bed as I can comfortably hold the baby and settle the toddler there. Or I leave him in his bed watching CBeebies on an iPod and hope he falls asleep because I am a bad parent.

ppeatfruit · 21/01/2018 14:06

No you're not Lules you're a pragmatic one!

So you'd shout at a jealous 2 year old would you? justanother? The 2 year old has to adjust to sharing her mum. The baby doesn't.

therealposieparker · 21/01/2018 14:09

Leave a four week old to cry?

Are you okay OP?

Justanotherzombie · 21/01/2018 14:12

Ppeat what on earth or you on? Shouting at a 2 yr old?

Some real weird and aggressive people on these threads.

TinWhistleTunes · 21/01/2018 14:15

Another vote for sling. My youngest was carried almost constantly in a sling until he was old enough to sit up/crawl. He slept in it, fed in it, was awake and looked around in it. He hardly ever cried (but wailed like a banshee the second I put him down).

It sounds like you are really struggling. Sling cuddles might be quite good for YOU too, and make you feel better.

ppeatfruit · 21/01/2018 14:15

Just You said "put you foot down" How would you do it then?

Moregilmoregirls · 21/01/2018 14:16

I agree with the poster who suggests napping together, get the 2 yr old in your bed while you feed the baby and pat her to sleep that way. I would not leave either of them if I could help it. And yes get a sling so you can play with the two year old / go out for walks etc. That's what I did. Good luck OP and enjoy the baby snuggles while you can

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 21/01/2018 14:20

I do try and get the baby to sleep then put the toddler down but the baby usually wakes up after 5 minutes if he's not being held, so I'll be part way through settling 2 year old and I'll hear him start to cry. I didn't want 2 year old to feel abandoned in favour of the new sibling, it's a tough balance. The 2 year old's nap is so important, if it's too late it really screws up bedtime so I do try and make it a high priority. I have a sling. Maybe I need to practice with it but I can't pick up the 2 year old while I'm using it without squashing the baby. The buggy will work most of the time but not today when it's pissing with rain.

OP posts:

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/01/2018 14:20

I wouldn't leave a 4 well old to scream for 10minutes. I have a 19 month age gap. Yes the baby did have to cry on occasions, as did the toddler. Ive settled toddler to sleep sitting by his cot with the baby in my arms breastfeeding. Ditto sling. Have you a swingy chair for the baby? Pop him in that, music etc on and if he's settled then you can give the toddler so easy time.

Failing that I put them both in the pram and walked, or car and drove.

Justanotherzombie · 21/01/2018 14:21

I don't know what put your foot down in your house means but in mine it's simply communicating and setting boundaries. No shouting involved. A 2 yr old can easily understand 'no. It's sleep time. Lie down and I'll be back to check you in 5 minutes'. Then you follow through. 3 or 4 times of firmly reiterating and most 2 yr olds will understand you're serious.

Age 2 is the right time to start being firm on boundaries anyway OP. For their sake. Because how are you going to pat your 4 and 2 yr old every night anyway in the future. It's time for the 2 yr old to learn how to go to bed properly.

m0therofdragons · 21/01/2018 14:21

TBH your two year old shouldn't need you to help her go to sleep. She should have learnt to self-settle by now!

Total bollocks. It's a child not a fucking robot!

Anyway, op I had a toddler and then twins. One often needed my attention and the other would cry. Once dd1 projectile vomited when twins were due their feed. They screamed but dd1 had to be the priority at that point and they are now 6 with no lasting damage. As long as they are safe it's fine for short periods. Slings are helpful but actually sometimes dd1 needs to be centre of attention and that's okay.

tiptopteepe · 21/01/2018 14:21

Gosh i dont know who all these people are that manage to never leave a baby to cry for a few mins ever.... As long as its not more than a few mins I think this is a natural part of having more than one child.
My first was often left to cry for a few mins in certain situations. Hes a perfectly happy little boy now.

I agree tho that you should be working towards getting your two year old to self settle.... that isnt going to happen overnight however so I think that yes in the meantime you may have to let your baby cry for a few mins. Please dont feel guilty about this. You do the best you can in the situation. My first would cry sometimes for no visible reason at all, even if hed been fed, even if he was being held, was in a sling, had been changed. I think you would be a very very lucky woman indeed if you had never had to leave your baby to cry for a few mins.

Justanotherzombie · 21/01/2018 14:25

Oh and I feel for you OP because I did have to leave my 4 week old to scream for up to 5-10mins. I had a 1 and 2 yr old to put to bed and a sling is all well and good when you don't still have to physically pick up other tiny children. My #3 was a difficult baby at the best of times but what I had to do at bedtime was try and settle her (never worked!) but then put her in the safety of her cot and sprint to get the other two little ones teeth brushed and into cots. Luckily I had never gotten into patting etc so it was literally teeth brushed and into bed then immediately next child but the stress of hearing her cry those few times I had no choice. Interestingly I noticed that she started going into the cot and not crying after a few occasions so if she was cooing and chilling rather than crying I'd do a story with my 2 yr old and stay away longer. But it was a short patch if hell where there was crying and bedtime needs that weren't compatible.

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