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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I a bad mother?

46 replies

possiblyamassivefailure · 19/01/2018 16:05

NC...
It's never actually occurred to me until recently when discussing it at different groups such as le leche League meetings and social events with other mothers who have children the same age as me.

But now that I think about it, I think I may have actually been a really bad mother.

My DD was born by c-section after a really traumatic birth and it took me a long time to recover. In the first couple of months we had a lot of help from my DM and DMIL including a few sleepovers.

My husband didn't have any holidays left after his paternity so we were grateful of the help and I thought nothing of it. But one of the topics at the Le leche League meeting was how to cope without your baby for the first night away which no other mothers in the group had experienced yet. When I explained that I had already had several nights without her no one really said anything and it didn't occur to me at the time that it might be that they were judging me.

With a group of my own friends at lunch yesterday the topic came up again and I've discovered that none of them have had a night away either and I'm the only one. I've not only ever had one night but several and now I'm starting to feel really guilty that I haven't spent every single night with my baby. I have to admit that the nights she has stayed over I really needed it and was desperate for the sleep and recovery time.

Am I a bad mother? Am I the only person who's ever had a night away from their newborn? Because at the moment it feels like I am and I feel like a terrible failure. I'm even concerned she'll have things like attachment issues when she's older now because of this. I feel horrible.

OP posts:

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lightcola · 19/01/2018 16:11

I haven’t had a night away from my 14 month old but that’s because there is no one to have her for me. You’re not a bad mother at all. You’re in fact pretty lucky you have that support around, although I’m sorry it took you a long time to recover from your section - that wasn’t lucky.

Original poster

possiblyamassivefailure · 19/01/2018 16:13

Lightcola thank you for responding I didn't know if anybody would 14 months is such a long time you must be so tired poor you

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 19/01/2018 16:16

Don't be daft! You needed the help - your DD certainly won't be scarred for life by you getting some much needed rest for a few nights.

I actually know quite a few parents who've had their baby "sleep over" at the GPs from quite early on, to give them some sleep.

If you have the support - take it!

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tiptopteepe · 19/01/2018 16:17

I tried to have a night away from my newborn at about 6 weeks but it didnt work really. I went to a bed and breakfast whilst my husband had the baby. I didnt get any sleep because I just woke up at all the times I would have fed him anyway and as i was breastfeeding my milk leaked all over me it was horrid!!

I didnt feel guilty for trying though. Good for you if you are able to do it and it helps you. You dont win any mother of the year awards for driving yourself completely mad... if you need a break you need a break. I react very badly to lack of sleep and so that is why I tried and even though i kind of failed I do think it was worth having a go for a nights unbroken sleep!!
IMO getting a nights unbroken sleep every now and then can make you a much better parent overall because you have more strength and patience to deal with the newborn.

Dont feel guilty im sure no one was judging you. xxxxxxx

Original poster

possiblyamassivefailure · 19/01/2018 16:21

Thank you everyone I have been feeling very down about it all. I have only ever given her for a sleepover at one night at a time so never more than one night in a row but altogether in the first few months she's probably had about 6 sleepovers which feels like a lot

OP posts:

Holivia · 19/01/2018 16:21

I think the more time they spend with other people from young age is really good for them and develops them a lot socially. My little boy was a month old when he first slept out over night at my sister's. They wanted to have a child of their own so it was good practice for them to experience having a newborns. He stayed out once a month until he was 9 months. I went back to work when he was 4 months old and spent 4 days a week with family. He is now 17 months old and is such a happy sociable little boy and doesn't have a problem going to new people. Don't feel guilty or like you're being a bad mum, everyone copes differently and there is nothing wrong with you wanting some 'me time' to 're charge your batteries. It would be different if you were using it as an opportunity to go out and party and not spending as much time with your child.

Enjoy the rest and the help. Balls to what anyone else thinks, they're not you ☺

wowbutter · 19/01/2018 16:25

I had my first night away from my PFB when he was six weeks. It was a,axing. And after that I tried to get away as often as I could convince my mil to have him.
No, it didn't make me a bad mother, it made me a human being with my own needs. And you are not a bad mother either. Plus, even if you were, there's bugger all you can do about it now.

BexleyRae · 19/01/2018 16:26

The fact that you are asking if you are a bad mother already shows you care.
Like pp's I haven't had a night off, but that's due to not having anyone to look after DD 15 months. You should feel very lucky to have the lovely support that you do, your DD must be very loved by you and your family

Snozwanger · 19/01/2018 16:29

I had an EMCS with an extended stay in hospital over Christmas. I think it was a big shock to me with delayed effect as I then got PND at four months. I HAD to have that break and let DS stay over with grandparents for the odd night here and there so DH and I could recuperate. I hadn't planned to leave him at all but I just needed to for my mental health.

You obviously needed that time so please don't feel guilty about it. I noticed like you that most others wouldn't leave their newborns but that's usually under normal circumstances where they haven't experienced a trauma like you.

Outlookmainlyfair · 19/01/2018 16:29

Don’t feel guilty, feel lucky you have lovely help.
I only spent a couple of nights apart from my 6yo but that is only because I don’t have parents or family nearby.
We all do our best but as people we are multi faceted and so are our parenting styles and resources!

user1499786242 · 19/01/2018 16:29

Son is 2.5 and never had a night apart but that's mainly because he is quite possibly the worst sleeper ever birthed and he still wakes up in the night a lot and I have no one who is willing to deal with that!
If you needed it and they offered then fair bloody play! Bet a full nights sleep did you the world of good!!
Don't feel guilty at all!

HumphreyCobblers · 19/01/2018 16:30

I think you have got yourself worked up over nothing. The fact that you can do this with your baby means you are lucky to have such support and your baby is lucky there are so many people who love her and want to care for her.

You are not a bad mother!

IHaveACuntingPlan · 19/01/2018 16:31

Asking for help, for whatever reason, does not make you a bad mother.

I had my sister take ds overnight when he was 6 weeks old and he stayed out about 1x a month afterwards at various relatives' houses for no other reason than I just fancied a night off.
Dd was 6 weeks old when we moved house and she & ds went to stay at their grandma's for three nights.
I don't think I'm a bad mother. I'm allowed a rest too.
Ignore what other people may or may not be thinking. You don't suddenly become superhuman just because you're a parent and it's not healthy to try to be.

Buglife · 19/01/2018 16:31

I had a night away from my DS when he was 3 months old, DH and I went to London for a night (we live close) and my DM and DF stayed in our house with him. It was lovely! I find it harder leaving him now he’s 3 as he knows I’m going. I’m from up north and it’s more common there for parents to go out etc and have more close family involvement in child rearing. What is wrong with a grandparent helping out and looking after a baby if that’s what the parents want?!

user1493413286 · 19/01/2018 16:32

I haven’t had the night away because there isn’t anyone to do that but the time I have had to myself makes me a much happier (and better) Mum

afrikat · 19/01/2018 16:33

Please don't worry! If your baby is with family who love and care for them you are all doing great. We couldn't do sleepovers when mine were small as they both wanted to feed for half the night but as soon as they could go without feeds for a night they were off to grandmas for sleepovers and now they do it pretty regularly. I even went on a 3 day hen party when my youngest was 11 months and didn't feel guilty in the slightest!

Hassled · 19/01/2018 16:33

God don't feel guilty - you're clearly a very caring mother and if your DD is healthy and thriving, what's the problem? You're probably a better mother for having had some decent sleep than I was at my hysterical sleep-deprived worst. If I'd had the opportunity to pass the DCs elsewhere for the odd night, I'd have jumped at it.

EggsonHeads · 19/01/2018 16:33

I had several nights away when my baby was in the NICU. I sure hope that I'm not a bad mummy

Situp · 19/01/2018 16:35

OP it sounds like you have taken steps when needed and when available to look after your mental health and welfare. It is a totally responsible thing to do to ensure you can best look after your family.

DH's family live a long way from us and he and took DS to visit his family for 4 days when he was 16 weeks old because I was back to work and he worked from home so could do it which I know a lot of mothers wouldn't feel able to do. It worked for us. We are all in different circumstances and do the best we can x

BubbleAndSquark · 19/01/2018 16:36

You've most likely been a better mum from having a chance to rest! I wouldn't worry about attachment issues, my daughter spent 3 months in a nicu where parents can't sleep so was without us at night time and shes fine!

wheresmycake · 19/01/2018 16:36

'Good' parents are generally those who are well rested and happy. If taking the odd night away from your baby helps you achieve that you are a good parent

TheLionQueen1 · 19/01/2018 16:38

Me and DH had a night away when DS was 10 weeks old and next weekend I'm off for the whole weekend and he'll be 16 weeks old. I need a weekend off, let people judge away, although I will miss my DS Like mad, I certainly won't miss him when I'm having a night of uninterrupted sleep

whyIsARavenLikeAWritingDesk · 19/01/2018 16:41

Again my daughter is 14 months and I've not had a night away or even a couple of hours to be honest but that's because I live 400 hrs away from family and my friends have young children of their own! I'm dying for some me time though!
Because you have does not make you a bad mother at all!!!! Everyone does things differently, I really wouldn't worry at all!
Xx

KatnissMellark · 19/01/2018 16:42

Gosh don't feel guilty! You sound like a lovely mum! I'm quite jealous of your sleepovers

user1474652148 · 19/01/2018 16:43

Be so glad you have d

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