Am I a bad mother?

[possiblyamassivefailure]

NC...
It's never actually occurred to me until recently when discussing it at different groups such as le leche League meetings and social events with other mothers who have children the same age as me.

But now that I think about it, I think I may have actually been a really bad mother.

My DD was born by c-section after a really traumatic birth and it took me a long time to recover. In the first couple of months we had a lot of help from my DM and DMIL including a few sleepovers.

My husband didn't have any holidays left after his paternity so we were grateful of the help and I thought nothing of it. But one of the topics at the Le leche League meeting was how to cope without your baby for the first night away which no other mothers in the group had experienced yet. When I explained that I had already had several nights without her no one really said anything and it didn't occur to me at the time that it might be that they were judging me.

With a group of my own friends at lunch yesterday the topic came up again and I've discovered that none of them have had a night away either and I'm the only one. I've not only ever had one night but several and now I'm starting to feel really guilty that I haven't spent every single night with my baby. I have to admit that the nights she has stayed over I really needed it and was desperate for the sleep and recovery time.

Am I a bad mother? Am I the only person who's ever had a night away from their newborn? Because at the moment it feels like I am and I feel like a terrible failure. I'm even concerned she'll have things like attachment issues when she's older now because of this. I feel horrible.

You are SO LUCKY that you have people who will take your baby overnight and that you trust to do so. I breastfed, and neither of my kids would take a bottle, and both woke a lot for feeding, so I haven't had a night away yet (4.5 years in...) but I've nearly weaned my little one and DH is going to take them both to his parents for the weekend soon and I CANNOT WAIT.
Everyone's different. But a single night away from your child now and again seems to me to be more healthy than what I've done, tbh. It's not like you swanned off to the Caribbean when your baby was a week old, leaving her with a baby-hating stranger for a month.

Be glad you have so much support. Unless you feel you are not bonding or coping with your baby then rejoice your luck and network and help and enjoy the rest

We haven't been away in 8 year!

My parents had my dd over night(or 2) roughly every week from when she was 5 weeks til about 6 months. I was still very unwell from a haemorrhage, had pnd and a baby that woke hourly. I dont feel in the slightest bit guilty, I needed to be well for dd and my dp's both wanted me and baby to be safe and well.

I left my first child overnight with gp at two weeks old. Went to a hotel for night with my husband and gp stayed at our house with baby.

Being perfectly honest I was worried I wouldn't want to go back home as I had been very tearful and low.

That night away did me the world of good and I don't regret it at all. I may have been judged but I couldn't care less.

From that point on gp had lo once every 6 weeks for a night. I had no anxiety about it as I trust them completely.

Leaving a young baby may not be right for everyone, but it was right for me and consequently it was right for my baby.

Thank you everyone for being so nice I think I have really let this get to me but I feel so guilty for needing a break. It's different with the NICU of course as you don't have a choice but I chose to give her away and now I just feel horrible. Perhaps this is a delayed PND symptom because I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong

You are not a bad mum by any stretch of the imagination. I've only had one night away from my kids and I bloody loved it. You deserve proper rest and space to yourself!

I took the opportunity for one night sleep overs at Grandparents when mine were babies and it has done them no harm. They all have lovely relationships with the grandparents and as teenagers will arrange themselves to go for tea or to sleep over which I think is lovely.

Sorry I meant to add ... I would keep them going and let Grandparents houses become homes to them too.

You are not a bad mother. I love my dc more than anything. BUT I have left them over night. The first time was when dc 1 was about 3/4 months old. I went on a hen weekend for 2 nights. Since then I've been on several hen weekends, one was 4 nights. Plus my husband and myself have had a few nights away for our wedding anniversaries. I don't judge people who go away or who don't want to leave their child. It's a individual choice and depends on the parent and child. Don't be hard on yourself. Everyone needs a break. If it helped you, it helped you. End of.

I'm also really Sorry if bringing up attachment issues sounded like I was being judging myself. I really wasn't at all one of the subjects in the LLL meeting was separation anxiety and I felt like I was being judged for it so I was more asking if anyone else had found it gave them problems but I'm glad to see it didn't

Nope not at all. I think that most people who don’t spend nights away from their kids do so because they don’t have anyone to leave them with, and most would jump at the chance!!

I went on my first night out when my twins were 4 weeks old. It was great and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, my babies spent the evening with family who looked after them very well. No harm done!! My mum had them over night when they were 8 weeks and I got a full night of sleep. Best night ever.

My dd was nicu/scbu for 3 weeks beforehand so only home less than two weeks. Dd2 went a handful of times from 5 months-3 years. Dt's have been once at 3 months, now 3.

I actually i think its helped me not be neurotic being away from them(i never am these days), i can switch off. I needed the time and they offered it.

Be kind to yourself possibly

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel. Delayed PND does happen especially as you had such a difficult time. I think asking for help is a sign of a good parent. Your dd is lucky to have so many people who care deeply for her, especially you. Maybe speak to your GP if you still feeling so down.

If you are worried about depression don't be afraid to speak to your health visitor, nurse or gp. I think you get fast track access to ceryain types of counselling (such as cbt or interpersonal therapy?) if you have had a baby within the last year simply because it's so common and so important to get support.

You sound like a lovely mum. You were still recovering and needed a rest. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. The only reason I've not had a night apart so far is because as other posters have said there is no one to have DS. What i would do for a straight 8 hour sleep . Also you will be prioritised help if you need it. I have been and am now doing CBT after a traumatic birth and painful recovery. I felt scared asking for help but once I had I was overwhelmed how supportive and helpful my HV and GP were

You're not a bad mother for having nights away. The opportunity has never come up for me, ds is 19m and I've had plenty of nights out, I went out for the first time when he was 8 weeks old and ebf (he had formula) I stayed out until 6am and I loved it!
My DP spends 3-4 nights away with work per week and he's a brilliant dad, my son doesn't seem phased by him being away and ds loves him unconditionally when he gets home, like nothing's changed!

Please don't feel bad. You aren't "giving her away", she's spending time with family who love her and hey, I'm sure having a bit of sleep makes you a happy energetic lovely mum in the morning!

I first spent a night away from my daughter at 2 months. I was bricking it a bit in case her dad couldnt comfort her or something which is ridiculous as he's a perfectly capable man and a great daddy...of course she was fine!

Since I've been back at work at 9 months I've had to regularly spend nights away, sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week and slept like a dream. I'm sure some people would judge me for that. But she is happy and loved and has a roof over her head so I'm making my peace with it. Did your mum/MIL ever let you have sleepovers as a baby? If they didn't, I bet they wished they had!

No I’m with you. I actually had a night off my 6 month old DD last night and I honestly feel like I’ve been “re-set” today!
It’s only my third night away from her but I have a very willing mum and MIL so I am definitely going to take advantage of it more!

My ds stayed overnight once a week at my parents as I had pnd.They wanted to give me a break which I was grateful for and I'm not a bad mum because of it

I just wanted to say a massive thank you for all the kind and helpful replies, my DP did the night feeds last night and I'm feeling loads better today I think I am just so sleep deprived.

I also wanted to say that I wouldn't think that anybody else was a bad mum for needing a break it's just that I feel like one I would never judge anybody else so I don't know why I judge myself a different way. I just do and it has really got me down but all of these replies have really helped me to feel better about myself so thank you