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Original poster

Punishment!

32 replies

Herewegoagain3 · 19/01/2018 07:23

Just after your thoughts. I have two boys aged 8 and 10, lately they have been bickering and fighting a lot and I’ve spoken to them about it a lot. Yesterday they were arguing over the games console while I was making dinner, usually at this point I would turn it off but I didn’t hear them, anyway this resulted in one of them throwing a coaster at the other and smashing our new LCD tv

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Original poster

Herewegoagain3 · 19/01/2018 07:31

Sorry that wasn’t finished! The minute it happened they both called me crying, explaining, blaming...

I was furious but managed to keep my cool, not easy as I’m 6 months pregnant! Anyway as a punishment they are both missing their sports events this weekend. I’ve taken the younger ones savings (£200!) the oldet ond had spent his savings so I’m taking a new pair of trainers he bought with his savings back to the shop (£140, don’t ask!) and the games console will be kept under lock and key until they work off the rest of the debt through pocket money and chores- the tv cost £450.

Do you think this is a fair punishment? I’ve been left feeling a bit guilty- it’s all if their Christmas money! But I want them to realise there are consequences to their actions and they were told not to fight and argue over the computer and they certainly know better than to throw things!

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Chaosofcalm · 19/01/2018 08:37

I only have a toddler so I may not be the best comment but it seems harsh. Do you have more than one TV? Can you just not replace it and the consequence is a natural consequence as in you broke it now you don’t have one or I would remove the games counsel if you do replace the TV.

SueGeneris · 19/01/2018 08:43

I have similar age DCs who squabble and I would probably do this, especially if they had that sort of Christmas money. It IS a very harsh lesson, but they will not be harmed by not having a 140 quid pair of trainers and the natural consequence of breaking a tv is that you have to buy a new one! Regardless of whether they meant to do it or not - it's still the net result of them fighting.

Hopefully it will not be a lesson they need to repeat!

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Crumbs1 · 19/01/2018 08:44

What is the coaster made of that it would smash a television?
It seems a bit harsh and the pregnancy is a red herring.
Can you not claim on insurance? If you bought on a credit card it is sometimes covered for a period. What about house insurance?

I think if a relatively lightweight coaster broke my television I would be in the store complaining very vocally about the risk it posed by being so fragile. I’d be demanding a replacement.

user1493413286 · 19/01/2018 08:47

I think it’s a fair punishment; at those ages they know better than to throw things and they also knew they shouldn’t have been arguing. I think sometimes children need to feel the full force of their actions.

user1493413286 · 19/01/2018 08:50

I also don’t think blaming the tv is the way to go; new TVs are quite delicate and I’m fairly sure mine would break if I threw one at it. They aren’t made to withstand things being thrown at them. I think by blaming the tv you’d be teaching your children to blame other things for their own actions

SueGeneris · 19/01/2018 08:51

I think also particularly at this age, just before they get to teens, it's important to make sure they understand that they are expected to treat possessions with respect and the flipside of having the privilege of using consoles and nice TVs is having to pay to replace them if you break them - just as an adult would have to. IMO if they know that bank of mum and dad won't just bail them out for whatever, they will take more care not to damage their things.

Redken24 · 19/01/2018 08:52

I absolutely don't think your being harsh.
Actions have consequences - your teaching them that.

Parkrunner25 · 19/01/2018 08:53

Which one threw the coaster? It seems a little harsh to punish both of them equally just because the other was bickering with his brother.

LivelyMummy · 19/01/2018 08:55

I'm all for actions and consequences... but all their xmas money seems a little harsh.
Can you work out a schedule of chores for them to earn and repay you? Like washing the car, mowing the grass, taking the bin out etc

dorislessingscat · 19/01/2018 08:58

Completely agree with your punishment. Actions have consequences.

It will teach them that nice things cost a lot of money!

(I have a 10 year old and would have done the same thing).

Notasperfectasallothermners · 19/01/2018 09:01

Sorry but you have a very tough road ahead if you are already bowing to allowing trainers for £140 at 8/10 yo.
The TV is trivial!!

NataliaOsipova · 19/01/2018 09:05

I don't think you've been massively unfair. There are consequences to their actions, which, in this case, is that you need to replace the TV.

claraschu · 19/01/2018 09:07

I would never stop kids from missing sports events because usually other people are dependent on them to some extent, and also because sports are healthy and necessary, and I don't think people should punish children by taking away something that is good for them. (If the sporting event was sitting and watching a game, this doesn't apply, obviously.)

I feel really strongly that punishing children by doing something that has an impact on other people (cancelling birthday parties, not letting a friend come over, keeping kids home from football practice, etc) is the wrong message to give. Parents should never set an example of being inconsiderate to the innocent friends of their children. This is not the lesson a parent wants to give: it is ok to let someone else down if it helps me to make my point.

claraschu · 19/01/2018 09:08

I think I probably would have just let the punishment be no TV in the house, which would actually be a blessing in disguise.

cestlavielife · 19/01/2018 09:11

The consequence is no tv.

Claim on insurance?

Sport is good for them if participating. More sport should be prescribed. Don't take that away.

cestlavielife · 19/01/2018 09:13

Expecting them never to fight and bicker is unrealistic..

Needmorehands · 19/01/2018 09:13

So glad we aren't the kind of house which has coasters!
Our 2 DSs are currently aged 7 & 10 and I'm pretty sure are having 'alpha male' struggles already - does my head in. Last night the elder got in from guitar cub and the younger one moved from needling his sisters, to winding his brother up. Things escalated, as they do, and both boys we sat away from the table (and each other) to eat their pizza in silence, before going to bed early. For the first time we moved the older one into the spare room which actually had more of an affect on the younger than I'd expected, and definitely more response than the usual take his tablet away for a day. I just wanted to separate them to stop the bickering. This morning by 550 they were friends again and working together to tidy their bedroom - long may it last!
No useful advice at all, but thank you for making me feel less alone in the parenting jungle!

saladdays66 · 19/01/2018 09:13

I dopn't agree with missing the sports events. Sports are good for them and will awllow them to run around and use up energy.

If they're fighting over the games console, I'd take it away instead.

And yes to them paying for the TV.

And no to £140 trainers at that age!!! OMG.

namechange2222 · 19/01/2018 09:18

Absolutely 100% right. My adult children still talk about a similar punishment when one threw something at the others head. Luckily the one being thrown at ducked and object went through a huge pane of glass. I was at work they were old enough not to be fighting over a Remote control or something. They had to pay every penny out of their savings for the out of hours glazier and had the tv and PlayStation removed for about a month. I think the punishment needs to fit the crime so I'm slightly doubtful about losing an activity unless the money can be put towards the damage

Heartofglass12345 · 19/01/2018 09:21

No way are you being unfair, i would do the same! The broken TV isnt a natural consequence if its immediately replaced, a natural consequence to breaking things is that you have to pay to replace them. When i was younger (around the same age as your boys) my auntie went on holiday, me and my cousins and my dad and a couple of other aunties went to stay there for a few days to housesit as it was by the sea, so like a holiday for us. My cousins were messing around and one of them threw my pj's down the stairs not realising my hairbrush was caught in them, and smashed an ornament of my auntie's. They made us all give up some of our spending money to replace it, even though my aunite was well off, that wasnt the point! (Although they tried to blame me but thats another story lol)
I think they will definitely learn from this!

Notasperfectasallothermners · 19/01/2018 09:25

I never withdraw clubs as a punishment, they are committed to a team and its more than just missing a game.
And now you are stuck in the house with 2 miserable hyper dc all week end. Who is punished now?. My dc get chores as punishment, makes them work together to get stuff done while you have a cuppa!!
Win win.

Heartofglass12345 · 19/01/2018 09:25

Also i dont get why people are commenting bout the trainers, they were bought with his savings! Some women spend £100's on shoes, not much difference. I would probably let them go to their sports events otherwise they will be in your hair all weekend too lol.

BertieBotts · 19/01/2018 09:27

Maybe find out if the TV can be repaired or claimed on household insurance. Take an amount from their money/things to cover that but it's not necessarily going to be £450.

DH is a gamer so DS has had games console access since quite little - we are quite aware that games can provoke a rage like no other so we've always had zero tolerance on that and any arguments/anger relating to a game means the game needs to go off for some time - if we can see him getting frustrated leading up to it we make him stop and remind that games are supposed to be fun! If a game is causing such extreme frustration, it's not fun, so you need to take a break.

We had some struggles against this around the ages of 5/6 but now age 9 he will just switch something off rather than letting himself get wound up. I think it's really important as some people let the "game rage" justify violence which is absolutely not on.

Though i know sibling battles add a totally new dimension to that - but I think I agree with you that a fight involving both of them which causes damage to the home is really both of their faults.

Original poster

Herewegoagain3 · 19/01/2018 09:29

The 10 year old used vouchers and money to save for the trainers himself! They were not bought by me. But I think that’s besides the point. I agree that the sturdiness of the tv should not be blamed. They knew they should not be fighting or throwing, I think their ages comes into it- the eldest is starting secondary school in September. Unfortunately my insurance does not cover, I will be reviewing this! They both admitted to throwing things at each other which is why they are being punished equally. Although the one who did it has actually contributed more. To be honest they both admitted it straight away, accepted their punishments gracefully, they are very sorry and I’ve commended them both for this. They have also offered to do chores. I’m proud of their responses and this makes me hopeful that I’m raising them right I do feel harsh and I hate that my children are feeling sad because of me but on balance I want them to grow into respectable teenagers and adults. I think most people agree, so thanks for your responses. I know the fighting and bickering will continue for many years to come but hopefully they’ll think twice about how to resolve it next time...

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