Punishment!

[Herewegoagain3]

Just after your thoughts. I have two boys aged 8 and 10, lately they have been bickering and fighting a lot and I’ve spoken to them about it a lot. Yesterday they were arguing over the games console while I was making dinner, usually at this point I would turn it off but I didn’t hear them, anyway this resulted in one of them throwing a coaster at the other and smashing our new LCD tv

OK so - forward plan.

Calm down. Let them calm down. Have a cup of tea/shower/whatever helps.

Discuss with partner if you have one so you're on the same page. Then later today or now if you're calm enough, sit the boys down and talk to them.

Revoke the sports event since it was hasty and doesn't actually help. Explain they will be paying for the TV repair, however you decide to do that - savings, items to sell, extra jobs, pocket money, loss of (paid) privileges.

Then discuss a new game plan. They know the baby will be arriving soon - it's just not on for them to be getting so violent that things get broken. How are they going to deal with disagreements? If it's in relation to gaming, then new rules for gaming (get them to help choose! They are surprisingly quite good at problem solving like this.) If it's a more general sibling disagreement problem then talk about strategies for deescalating conflict - how could they stop it from ramping up?

Bear in mind if it's a recent escalation in fighting they might be reacting to the imminent arrival as well - it's not just toddlers who can have this kind of reaction. It might be worth looking at some stuff about how to help older siblings feel included and valued with the arrival of the new baby (and actually I think some of the toddler tips can also work for older DC!) and working on that yourself - but for them I think that emphasising that they are actually in control of their behaviour and they can improve it ought to be a help as well. I would not ONLY punish - there's got to be a teaching/learning/constructive element to this incident as well. Otherwise you risk a new dynamic where the older two end up labelled "the naughty ones" and keep acting up for attention vs the younger one who is "just a baby" and they end up feeling jealous.

With regards to the sports- I have spoken to both of the team managers who have agreed they would have done the same thing. Taking away a sport is always a last resort and it’s only for one weekend. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever dove it before. I totally agree about letting down team members. That was a tough one for me and perhaps in future I will reconsider so thanks for your comments. This time they can walk the dogs for exercise instead! Thanks to others who have told about similar experiences. It obviously had an impact which is what I wanted. Similar circumstances here- one child threw and the other ducked!

OK that sounds good and constructive :)

But I do think it's important to help coach them through how to handle arguments/self calming - they will not magically know. But they could make suggestions and you could support those suggestions you're able to do so.

Please don't write it off as "alpha male fighting" - that kind of thinking really disadvantages boys as it's basically telling them it's totally normal to be argumentative and violent, whereas anybody can learn techniques to manage those kinds of overwhelming feelings and tone down behaviours, and knowing how to be in control of their own anger/strong feelings will really help them manage the more tough years when hormones do get involved and make a difference between girls and boys.

I agree with you, I think the punishment is suitable.

Children must learn that money does not grow on trees, and that by fighting they damaged something which now needs replacing. They sure won't do it again...and that's the desired result.

I’ve discussed with my husband and we know it was a silly fight that got out of hand. No punishments were given in anger. In fact luckily I was so angry I couldn’t speak for about 30 min which gave me a chance to calm down! The arguing has ramped up for sure, but I think it’s ages and stages to be honest. We usually tell them to calm down in their own bedrooms if it gets too much. And when they argue over the computer it just gets turned off straight away- zero tolerance! Unfortunately I think they’ve learned to bicker about whose ‘turn’ it is quietly. I don’t think it’s anything more serious than typical boy behaviour. My husband tells me about his brothers who had a fight as teenagers and ended up breaking the bannisters! They are best of friends and laugh about it now. I’m sure we’ve all got similar experiences of fighting with siblings which we can now look back on and laugh! I’ll reconsider sports in future but I’d rather not go back on it now

I was going to say, if you can afford to replace the TV, maybe keep their money and see how their behaviour is over the next few months, and if they are showing they are making an effort maybe give them some or all of it back (without telling them though, let them think you've spent the money on the tv), just a thought!

I wouldn't take their money away, that seems cruel. But def other punishments (taking away privileges etc)