Has anyone else on here got an old mum and young kids?

[toomuchtodo]

do you find it really hard too?
my mum is 80 and my youngest is 5.
I feel I'm stuck in the middle between needing to help my mum more as time goes on and having the kids needing me a LOT.

I get really jealous of seeing youngish, sprightly mums and dads who do things with their grandkids, Knowing the parents are getting a break or being able to go to work without the cost. I know its silly but I get upset seeing all these granparents helping when I've got absolutely no help and dh and I never get a break. Love my mum completely and know I'm so lucky to still have her, but being "the sandwich generation" is really hard.

Yes I understand. Dh's mum is 80. She lives 2 hrs away. Somedays she has good days and some bad. She has had her hip replaced, among other things. Her memeory goes and sometimes she can't remember who ds is.

My mum is 60 and an hour away. Not in the best of health either.

When I see Nana/ Nanny's/ Grandma's in the park, at birthday parties, hearing people saying that grandma looks after ds two days a week, that all makes me sad.

It must be a struggle , and presumably it will get worse , as your mum needs more and more care and medical attention ?

Some people are totally unappreciative, of having their mums around.

Both my DD's grandmothers are past the age of babysitting 2 yo DD, plus my mother lives a couple of hours away. Personally I think there are some incredibly selfish parents around - I wouldn't dream of expecting my parents to look after my child full time.

I understand, to some extent. My mother is 78, my father is 80 (I have a young stepmother though, she's only just over 60 and scarily energetic!). Both my dh's parents died young, no grandparents there.

On the other hand, my grandmother will be 100 next week, and my mother still travels to Paris every few weeks to look after her; she's better at looking after her mother, regardless of age, than she is at looking after young children. Always has been, so not sure her age makes that much difference

I agree callisto, even if my mum was 20 yrs younger I'd never expect her to look after my kids fulltime.

I just get so jealous of others with help

I'm so pleased this thread was started.
My first baby's due in October. I'm an only child. My mother will then be 80, and my Dad will be 79. DP's parents are both early to mid-70s.
My parents live a few miles away and I see them twice a week. They are both still mentally alert, but a bit wobbly on their feet & have some health problems, and I do a lot of the housework & cleaning etc for them.
It will probably be a bit of a struggle when the baby arrives, but I'm sure we'll all cope somehow.
Before I announced I was pg, my mother seemed to be in a bit of a downward spiral about being nearly 80 and not in the best of health. Since I announced I was pg, she seems to have regained the will to live and is a lot happier, which is great.
I'm hoping having a grandchild to dote on will perk them both up and give them something else to focus on, apart from getting older & dying .
I'm sad that we won't be able to have long family walks in the park, like those with younger grandparents, but we can still enjoy time together going for trips in the car etc.

Just wanted to add that although my ds's grandparents are young (mid fifties) they dont look after them, we dont go for long walks etc and god forbid i asked them to babysit!!!!!

maybe theres a 'perfect' grandparents age, not too young or not to old!!!

60-65 seems perfect!!

Cx

eaglebird, thats really nice that your mum has your baby to look forward too!

my dad died when my ds1 was a baby and mum always said ds1 took his place for someone for her to love

I agree its great that your kids can cheer up your parents, thats one of the really great things of having kids!!

I know I shouldn't get irrationally jealous of folks with young grandparents that DO HELP!! ( hertsnessex)

I'm the youngest in my family, older siblings live 100's of miles away and hardly ever visit, sometimes this makes it all harder.

Yeah, I like callisto says, don't expect mum to look after ds (I only work p/t anyway), but it would be nice if she saw more of ds. And to give me a break - that's not selfish, I don't think.
Lots of mums do seem to 'expect' their mums to be a full time carer, for a second time around !

I wish my parents were 15-20 years younger (they are 82 and 78, had me late, and I repaid the compliment, so dd is 3 and ds 7).
I am lucky in that both mine are doing well for their ages although mum's health is not so great.
We all have to accept with some sadness, that mum and dad are never going to be able to take the children on holiday, or do really active stuff with them, or, as you say, enable us to get away together for more than a couple of hours.
BUT - the children do have a lovely relationship with them regardless. My parents' lives are emptier of old friends nowadays as many have died and their comparative lack of activity elsewhere means they really do dote on the dcs and are endlessly, sometimes quite madly, interested in them
I try to look at it as an advantage as far as I can - time with my parents represents stillness, cuddles, carefully prepared tea parties, and looking at their ancient photo albums and treasures (my mum's jewellery box is a retro goldmine of 50s costume stuff and dd adores it). My parents do always have time for them.
When they are so old, you also treasure every week they are still with you and still well, I think. I am mentally preparing myself for the time when they are no longer with us, and ds and I talk about it sometimes too. In a funny sort of way I feel fortunate that their deaths will not be a hideous shock with me mourning lives cut off too young - the really posts I read on here about people who lost their parents in their 60s, or younger, make me realise that
But, toomuchtodo, I do worry. I WOTH full-time and I worry a lot about how much I will be able to help my parents in a daytime emergency. They live within walking distance and we see a lot of each other, but that shadow is always there, tbh. So I do understand.

I don't have this problem, as my parents both died aged 69 (Dad) and 57 (Mum). They were both diagnosed with terminal cancer in September 2004 and I had to care for them as they got weaker and weaker, as well as raise my DS then aged 3 and DD1 then aged 1. It was so hard, but I had no choice - I have 4 brothers and they were useless. They died in February 2005.
All their clothes and possessions remain in their bedroom which is kept locked - we'll get around to sorting through them eventually.
Sorry, I know that's not what this thread is about, but Marina's description of time with her parents is exactly what mine was (I lived next door to them ), and I miss it so much. Especially now I have DD2 aged 5 months- they'd love her to bits too.

lady007pink, I am so very sorry
Experiences such as yours are exactly what I am thinking of when I look at the pros and cons of having older parents XXX

lady so sorry

agree with last poster too

its hard isn't it

My parents are 78 and 75 and mum is in a wheelchair and has health problems, and dad also has health problems.

I have 3 children aged 9, 6 and 3 and don't get help from anyone!

None of my kids have ever stayed away from home for the night either.

My partners parents are divorced and pretty useless at caring for themselves, so there's no way they'd get my kids!

I do have 7 siblings and get no help there either.

We chose to have our family so i do expect to bring up my children myself, but it really would be lovely to have help sometimes.

Very sorry lady.
I too love Marinas post. My brother has a ds and a dd, by different mums. DD loves my mums jewellery box.
I can't bare the thought of my mum dying. I must promise myself to spend more time with her - we must all make more time whilst we still have our parents.

yes, mum and dad 76 and 77 here - and 200 miles away, and not in good health. And DD is 7 and DS is 4.

DW's parents are in early 70s too, but seem much fitter than mine.

My mum died last year after 10 years of cancer - she was nearly 78. Though we never really got on she would always do anything for the children (probably one of the few times I've cried writing this) and I'm sure youngest dd gave her lots of happiness. Dad is nearly 79 but much fitter - he plays football and cricket with ds, walks the dog with him, and mainly just has time to listen (though he has lots of other interests) - great for ds as dh works away a lot and it's an otherwise female household! I realise how lucky he is to be so healthy and active. With 4 children it's pretty hard to get anyone to have them overnight!!

I agree sweedish.
With older parents it is more about what you're kids can do for them rather than the other way round. My kids have 3 pairs of grandparents (my parents divorced and remarried) all living in different areas so I spend alot of our holidays driving round the country to stay with them, which is hard work but I know it means so much to the grandparents and also means alot to DC to know their extended family.

fussymummy, we've never had a night away in 9 yrs either!

you are the only other person I know like us........

how true the post saying when you have elderly parent(s) your kids do more for them than they can do for the kids, hadn't thought of that way before, quite a nice way of thinking of it all actually

Hmm, it does sound as though health is the issue rather than age. Though they sometimes go together, clearly not always...I'm so sorry for your losses, Lady

I'm an older parent myself, so can imagine the dds posting on a thread like this one day . But I comfort myself with the thought that at least they won't be resentfully looking after their aged mother when they're 78, as my mother is with her 100 year old one

I only have my mum who is 76 and brilliant but it makes me sad to think that my children don't have all their grandparents.

I sometimes think of "adopting" a granny - there must be loads of older people who would either don't have grandchildren or don't see their own very often . Has anyone done that?

I only have my mum who is 76 and brilliant but it makes me sad to think that my children don't have all their grandparents.

I sometimes think of "adopting" a granny - there must be loads of older people who would either don't have grandchildren or don't see their own very often . Has anyone done that?

It is absolutely the worst thing abuot having children late. I am very lucky in that my mum had me young so is a wildly energetic 67 despite my being 44 this year (bloody hell, how did that happen?)
She is in France atm, dancing professionally with the Royal Opera!
But then again, she had her children too young tbh, very bad for her life and career and she always encouraged me to make different choices. Now I fantasise about my dd meeting the most divine perfect millionaire at the age of 22 and reproducing immediately while still being wildly successful and creative just so I can be a grandmother while reasonably mobile. Dh's mother is over 80, in a wheelchair most of the time and lives in an old people's home. The children love her though.

This thread strikes such a chord with me too - my mum is getting increasingly fragile, physically and mentally, though she's in her late 60s. When my dad died she kind of shut down, it seemed, and I've found that very hard to deal with. She lives 5 hours drive away too, which makes it very difficult to see her. DH's parents are in their 70s, but much sprightlier. Still live 2.5 hours away though.