Please help me cope with my son

[MrsAndyDayTheFirst]

Let me preface this with the fact that I love my son dearly - he is funny, clever, articulate, kind and gentle. I would never do anything to hurt him.

He’s 5, in year 1 and he’s driven me to tears again. He’s apparently under investigation for dyspraxia and/ or adhd but the school senco has been off sick for 2 months and they can only get someone to cover existing problems.

He’s just so vacant sometimes, he spends his life just in a dream world. He doesn’t listen to anything you ever say unless you get down to his level, stroke his arm, say his name, get him to confirm he’s paying attention. Even then he’ll normally drift off about two sentences in.

He can’t follow any instructions that have more than one step. So me asking him to put his shoes on will be ‘dc are you listening? Dc? Dc? Can you tell me you’re listening? You need to put your shoes on. So open the cupboard. Ok now can you see your shoes? They’re right in front of you. No to the left. No, other left. No, those are daddies shoes, see they’re very big. Yep those are the ones. Ok, pick them up. Dc, come back you need to put shoes on. They’re there, on the floor where you put them down. Right in front of you. Yep, the ones you just tripped over’ etc, etc etc.

He can’t use a knife and fork. He can’t do up his buttons. He can’t write his name (but is free reading). He can’t follows the rules of any games. He’s just been told he’s not allowed to join in the group swimming lessons anymore as he just doesn’t listen and hasn’t progressed at all in the 2 years he’s been doing it. He hardly ever speaks to any of his classmates - when he does he gets right in their face and just talks complete nonsense at them. All he talks about is racing - but he doesn’t want any facts at all, just makes up names of animals and people and says how they can race at a thousand million miles an hour then zooms round the house knocking everything over.

But the doctor said he seems completely normal. His teacher says he’s just a bit clumsy and will catch up (he’s the youngest in his year). He just seems so very different from all the other children his age. I don’t know how to cope with him. He just annoys me so much, then I feel terrible as I should be the one person who doesn’t find him annoying.

I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m writing this rally. Just wanted to vent I suppose.

It is a long time since my DS was 5 but I do remember having to help him with things a lot more than I do for the 5 year old girl that I look after sometimes.

I know if must be frustrating but perhaps he is overwhelmed with some tasks.

I have ADHD and I can honestly say that today when I needed to do a lot of housework I could have cried with feeling overwhelmed.

Could you maybebresk tasks down a bit more for him?

Maybe get the shoes out for him and help him put them on, then when he can manage that he can get them out as well.

I agree with Persian I think it’s a case of working with your ds personality type.

Dd is a bit older but v like this. I have wondered add (he's not hyperactive or naughty, just vacant) or autism (stimming, chewing) but school just nod and smile. I think they think as long as he's doing ok and not causing trouble, he's fine. I teach s err secondary though, and see where he could struggle in a few years.

I would take him to a child psychologist. It may be that he doesn't have any "regular" disorder or disability, but he seems to live exclusively in his own dream world, which is not normal. I don't know what your family situation is, or whether he has siblings, but children adapt to circumstances in their own ways.

It sounds very frustrating for you, particularly if you have a younger child that demands more help/attention when one might expect an dolder one to start doing more for themselves.
That said, whether your son is diagnosed with dyspraxia/ADHD or not, you will still have to cope with his particular behaviour at home. Have you researched the conditions, or how you could cope better at home were he to be diagnosed positively? e.g. www.understood.org/en
Even if he is not technically diagnosed, there will probably be some good advice on helping him to learn at his own pace without becoming too upset yourself. Good luck.

Hi op

Has his hearing been tested at all?

I don’t want to break tasks down for him anymore than I do already. He will happily sit there and let me feed him with a spoon.

I have to tell him to chew, to swallow, to pick up some more food. I counted I had to tell him 37 times during one meal last week to sit back down again. He’s not doing it to be naughty or because he wants to do something else, he just forgets what he supposed to be doing. If I shout at him he is just heartbroken and will say that he didn’t mean to be bad and it just kills me.

I hadn’t considered a child psychiatrist but that might be a good idea. There’s nothing stressful in his life - dh and I are happily married, he dotes on his baby brother, no money worries or anything he might have picked up on. He’s always been like this as far as I can tell.

His hearing has been tested at school. He did fail, but then we had it tested again at the hospital and he passed - he just hadn’t been concentrating.

Did he have much contact with other children growing up?
Or was he treated very much as the only child?
Children tend to live in their imagination land..
My son had similarities but no behaviour problem.
When asking him to do something, include his favourite animal/car or whatevers he's interested at the time.
Example: "son, can eat your dinner please?" super Mario eats all his carrots because that makes him super fast".
My son too struggles on simple tasks and he's always a 100mph. I'm constantly repeating myself. But noticed I get his attention when I mention something of his interest

Sounds like it could be dyspraxia, but then again at 5 he's still very young so it might be just his age.

One of mine has dyspraxia and loads of things took longer (a lot longer!!) than normal to learn but he did eventually get there. Couldn't use a knife and fork until he was 13; writing totally illegible until we got special pens aged 12; would put shoes on the wrong feet and clothes on backwards until about 13 etc.

What helped my sanity was constructing lots of visual prompts and written cues that DS could refer to, rather than me having to repeat the same instructions over and over. What I mean is laminated charts stuck on the wall / in the bathroom etc with each task split into very basic instructions with a picture/photo to illustrate it. Loads of patience is required, because it's not naughtiness, it's just the way the brain is wired.

DS now has a string of A*s at GCSE, thinking about Oxbridge etc - but is still completely incapable of catching a bus by himself, forgets to eat or get dressed unless prompted and has no concept of time. He's fantastic in other ways though and we generally just have a giggle about it.

He was an only child until he was 3. It was only when he started school that he took any interest in children. I took him to classes and he went to nursery one day a week from 10 months but was absolutely terrified of all children. He would pretend they weren’t there, that he couldn’t see or hear them.

He claims to have lots of friends at school but his teachers say he just plays on his own - running up and down the playground continuously every play time. Which is what he does when I take him to the park, soft play, zoo, anywhere. Just runs up and down.

He sounds very like my DS was at that age. He has attention deficit disorder and dyspraxia.

I would go back to your GP and ask for a referral for assessment. He's too young for an ADHD assessment but he could be assessed by an OT at this stage and get some strategies in place to support both of you.

There is really useful information about dyspraxia on the Dyspraxia Foundation website - have a look and see if it chimes with you.

We used a lot of PECS cards at that age and visual timetables etc.

PS Mine also had to leave swimming / music lessons etc when the teachers refused to teach him when he "wasn't concentrating" so I know how upsetting that can be as a parent. Feel free to rant away!

He’s not really interested in anything to catch his attention. The only thing that I can do that will guarantee him listening to me is if I shout or start crying. I don’t do this deliberately obviously, but he drives me to tears at least once a week.

I just want someone, a professional or some sort to watch him when he’s at home or out and about with me and tell me if it’s normal.

All my mum friends just tell me all kids are like that and you’re constantly repeating yourself. But I’ve never seen anyone else have to tell their child to chew, and then to swallow (every fucking bite or every fucking meal) because they’ve forgotten what they’re supposed to do.

Hi, a lot of this sounds like my DS, he’s also 5. Especially the constant running, and the struggle to interact with other children. It was picked up on last year and he was assessed by the area SENCO, but there was no actual diagnosis of anything. He is slowly improving with his writing, getting dressed etc but I think he is quite a way behind his peers.
Having said that he is on or above the expected level for some things, eg maths, telling the time.

When will the school senco be back?
Can the current senco stand in help you with tips on how to cope? Can you arrange an appointment with his teacher - you know it’s not just his age, he does have issues he needs help with and the sooner he gets the help he needs the sooner you can put plans in place to help him too.
I think there’s another board like ‘special needs’ where I’m sure you will get much better advice than what I could give you.
Rest assured you are going a great job, I’m sure that it’s very frustrating for you

My 8 year old son has autism. Sometimes he is deeply lost in thought. I keep my language simple at those times. In the scenario you outlined above about the shoes - i would simply put the shoes near him and say 'shoes - on' and point at them. I repeat a few times if necessary. He seems to respond better to this than having too much words thrown at him while he is not in the right frame of mind for processing it.

Also, you might be putting too much of your son's behaviour down to dyspraxia - when many 5 year olds are disorganised and forgetful. I have 5 year old son as well who does not have any issues and it can be a nightmare trying to get him to put on his shoes and coat in the morning. If I didn't spoon-feed my 5 year old most of his dinner he would stop eating after one spoon and wander off. Make life less stessful for now and maybe let him watch a cartoon or read a comic while he eats dinner and spoonfeed a bit while encouraging him to manage a few spoons himself.

Occupational therapy might help with his motor skills and help him then to do up buttons

He sounds very like my boy did at that age, maybe even a bit worse. It took years of referrals from teachers before he was finally diagnosed with ASD at age 9.

He's 21 now and at Uni. It's all good.

My DS is the same age and sounds very similar,especially the running and the way he interacts with other children. DS just strings together random words but most of the time pays no attention to the other kids, just happily does his own thing (running). He was diagnosed with autism a few weeks ago.

I had concerns about my ds. Nothing specific but lots of little things. I took him to the GP who referred him to the paediatrician. She was amazing referred him to occupational therapists and speech therapist and he had lots of different assessments. It took a while but he was diagnosed with dyspraxia and atypical autism but not adhd. The school also got an educational psychologist report who recommended lots of ideas. Whilst his diagnosis does not change who he is it gave the school and us different strategies to try and helped people realise that he is not naughty . I would follow your gut instinct on this. If you are concerned push for more input.

Google 'language processing disorder' and see if you see any similarities.

Go back to the school. Regardless of any diagnosis, he needs strategies to support him in and out of school. If he's not concentrating it will make school hard for him. His teacher may have experience of teaching similar children and may have strategies which could work. Or you might be able to tell them about his interests to help him engage a bit more in school. You need to build a good relationship with the school as it will make it easier to raise your concerns.

I've taught year 1 for a number of years and I promise you you're not alone. I have had a child that I had to remind to chew and swallow at lunch, children I've had to give breaks to throughout my lessons, a child who did some of his lessons on an ipad and several children who take all their clothes off every time they got ready for pe thinking it was bath time!

With some it was maturity. A lot of children, boys inparticular, are just not ready for year 1. He's young in the year which makes it harder for him.

Please remember you're not the only parent going through this. Hope the school is able to help you.

He sounds so very similar to my son at that age. My son has a hearing impairment, also auditory processing disorder and dyspraxia. He is doing really well now. The auditory processing was diagnosed by a private speech therapist who was well recommended, another speech therapist had assessed him and missed it. The speech therapist saw him every week for a few months and gave us homework to do with him, teaching him how to listen and specific words and concepts. It helped so much. I think you should see a speech therapist if his hearing has already been checked, and google auditory processing disorder

He won't be diagnosed with dyspraxia (if that is what he's got) until he's quite a bit older. You'll need to push loads to get help. Start with doctor, if you can afford it go private as they do start to listen if you have documentation. The earlier you get help, the more they can do as there reaches a point when progress is slowed right down. Be prepared to choose his school very carefully

My ds has dyspraxia and a lot of similiar traits as a child. He is now 22 . At university and has spent a year abroad at college. He has travelled a lot with friends and generally has a great life.I could never have seen that happen when he was young. His handwriting is still practically illegible but its all laptop so he gets on well with high grades.l got him private one on one swimming lessons. He has never worn shoes with laces to this day. He learned to ride a bike at 9. He is a fabulous guy very intellient and keenly interested in history and politics. But he never replies when l ask him a question as he is in a daze and has to be prompted. He can never find stuff and has lost everything multiple times. But he has improved. He never had help except from me as teachers just called him lazy and because academically he was bright he got by. Actually in areas he meets the requirements for gifted.
I often cried over him especially when he got in trouble in school and teachers constantly complained. He wasn't diagnosed until 14 and even then they refused to accept it.
I did a lot for him and it hasn't stopped him being independent now. It was the only way we could cope together.