Please help me cope with my son

[MrsAndyDayTheFirst]

Let me preface this with the fact that I love my son dearly - he is funny, clever, articulate, kind and gentle. I would never do anything to hurt him.

He’s 5, in year 1 and he’s driven me to tears again. He’s apparently under investigation for dyspraxia and/ or adhd but the school senco has been off sick for 2 months and they can only get someone to cover existing problems.

He’s just so vacant sometimes, he spends his life just in a dream world. He doesn’t listen to anything you ever say unless you get down to his level, stroke his arm, say his name, get him to confirm he’s paying attention. Even then he’ll normally drift off about two sentences in.

He can’t follow any instructions that have more than one step. So me asking him to put his shoes on will be ‘dc are you listening? Dc? Dc? Can you tell me you’re listening? You need to put your shoes on. So open the cupboard. Ok now can you see your shoes? They’re right in front of you. No to the left. No, other left. No, those are daddies shoes, see they’re very big. Yep those are the ones. Ok, pick them up. Dc, come back you need to put shoes on. They’re there, on the floor where you put them down. Right in front of you. Yep, the ones you just tripped over’ etc, etc etc.

He can’t use a knife and fork. He can’t do up his buttons. He can’t write his name (but is free reading). He can’t follows the rules of any games. He’s just been told he’s not allowed to join in the group swimming lessons anymore as he just doesn’t listen and hasn’t progressed at all in the 2 years he’s been doing it. He hardly ever speaks to any of his classmates - when he does he gets right in their face and just talks complete nonsense at them. All he talks about is racing - but he doesn’t want any facts at all, just makes up names of animals and people and says how they can race at a thousand million miles an hour then zooms round the house knocking everything over.

But the doctor said he seems completely normal. His teacher says he’s just a bit clumsy and will catch up (he’s the youngest in his year). He just seems so very different from all the other children his age. I don’t know how to cope with him. He just annoys me so much, then I feel terrible as I should be the one person who doesn’t find him annoying.

I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m writing this rally. Just wanted to vent I suppose.

I dont think you need a psychiatrist but i do think you need a referral to a developmental paediatrician. It sounds like your son needs to have assessments for autism and adhd. My youngest has autism - high functioning autism - and has many similar characteristics to your son.
I think you need to ask for a meeting with the class teacher and discuss the school's concerns and get something written down. Go to your GP and take the schools concerns and write down all of your concerns also. Ask the GP for a referral for your son to be assessed for autism and ADHD.
with regards to the instructions i would say you need to give less verbal instructions. Maybe just DS shoes, and be with him and repeat shoes DS. With the amount of verbal instructions you are giving it is probably too much for him to process. You need to give less instructions or else you will confuse him and his ability to follow instructions aa he has too much to think about.

What a difficult situation, you don't need those feelings of guilt on top of everything else - finding him annoying is a fact, and if it's every day it will wear you down, so try not to make it too personal otherwise it will all become even more difficult for you.

Have you thought about using any visual reminders or clues? If you're having to work so hard to get his attention and repeat instructions then this might at least help to reduce your frustration levels - pointing repeatedly at a print out is less emotionally draining than verbalising each instruction. You might have to print it on a bright background to draw his attention to it, or tap him and point to it.

Ask school if they do anything which seems to help them support him, they might have some ideas you've not thought of yet.

Keep us updated, I really hope you find an answer soon.

You're the one who finds him annoying because you're the one who cares most about him, is most aware of his differences and bears the brunt of the looking-after. So stop feeling guilty about that

I would also be asking for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. It's been my experience that schools drag their feet and minimise, especially in the early years, when the evidence is that early intervention is the best approach.

Thank you so much everyone. I feel terrible that I find my ds irritating when he really is such a sweet boy. School are reluctant to really do anything - he sits there quietly, doesn’t make a fuss. But he doesn’t do any of the work he’s supposed to be doing either. They don’t seem concerned that he can’t form any letters at all, can’t even draw a stick figure. I can see all the other kids work on the walls and he is so significantly behind and they just don’t seem to think to an issue.

He’s very shy and unsure of himself. Each time they introduce a new thing at school he’s super keen then just sits there sadly when he realises it’s just another thing he can’t do. There must be some help available for him because eventually he’s just going to stop trying new things because he’s so disheartened.

I’ve called the doctor again this morning to see if there’s another way to approach it rather than throug a senco. They have a call back system so hopefully I’ll get a call this afternoon.

Good luck, hope it's helpful

Good luck with the call back. Be prepared to be quite insistent and push for a referral.

Do keep posting, many of us have been through similar with our children and can advise you as things progress, or just listen when you need to vent

Don't know if it is relevant for certain situations but has he been tested for colour blindness.

Dm used to get frustrated at me when she would ask for a something in a certain colour and when I got to the cupboard I found it difficult to decipher which one she wanted.
I.e. Get me one of the red cups from the cupboard. But all I saw were blue cups so I used to stare at the cups not knowing which one to choose then pick up a blue cup and take it to her.Then she would get frustrated because she needed a red cup and go back to the cupboard to get the red cup. Which once she had chosen it I could see it how it could be red. Just muddled up with everything else it looked blue

As an aside years ago a friends mum was telling us about a little boy who would walk past her house every morning on the way to school.
If he saw a leaf or butterfly he would follow it. Friends mum would see him still looking at leaves and trees and generally wandering around in the street at 9.20am. His mum would despair at him as he was always late for school despite setting off 40 minutes early to account for his slowness and sometimes after wandering around for an age would arrive back home having forgotten to go to school in the morning because he thought it must be home time.
The little boy is now a well known sports man.