I haven’t got time to look after my sick grandmother..

[JKCR2017]

So my dear Granny got really poorly last week with some kind of fluey type thing and end up being hospitalised as she was so weak and dehydrated.

Posted the post button too soon...

7i hope she feels better soon. Xx

She spent a week in hospital and came home last night. She is still really poorly and they only let her home as my mother agreed to care for her at home. My mother is a stay at home Mum to two teenagers as lives a 30 second drive up the road from her.

My mother asked if I can help out caring for her a bit this week so she can have a break. It’s not that I don’t want to but my two DC are much younger. I don’t work but my other half works long hours. Leaves really early and not home until evening. DS has special needs and needs me home. DD is 2 and is not in pre-school yet. I also live 20 miles away so getting there and back between school runs and the two appointments my DD has this week will prove difficult. I also like to stay close to my sons school just in case they need me there.

I am planning to pop in for a visit and help out for an hour or so but I don’t think I am able to stay for hours on end. My mum doesn’t seem to understand this. Saying I should cancel my DDs appointment for my grandmother but they have been booked for weeks! I don’t want to fall out with anyone I will hel out as much as possible but doing it for hours on end is seeming impossible this week.🤔

I am just feeling really guilty but being to help out. But surely other parents with young children would understand how difficult it is fitting everything in?

I also don’t want DC catching it. We are meant to be going away for the weekend in a couple weeks! 😫

Realistically, would you be able to look after your granny and a 2 year old at the same time?
Your mum has arranged for granny to come home on the basis that she can look after her. Does that mean she needs to be with her 24/7? Is she moving her into her own home temporarily?
There are so many variables here, eg the nature and importance of your DDs appointments. It would be nice if you could be a bit flexible to help your mum out- does she help you out normally?
Are your teenage siblings able to help?
Hope granny improves soon.

YANBU. It’s not fair of your mum to say she’ll look after her and then ask you to do it. Absolutely don’t cancel your child’s appointments - I know how vital they are. I think a couple of hours is more than generous.

How old are your siblings? Can they help out? How much care does your gran actually need?

Could a friend take the two year old while you even pop in for two hours a day to give your mum some head space?

Take this through to its logical conclusion.
You don't arrange things to help your mother out to look after your grandmother. Your mother eventually gets more and more stressed, and then she gets sick. Now you have two family members who aren't well, and need looking after. Who do you think is going to have to look after them?
Or your mother doesn't get sick, but understands that in no way can she rely on you to help her when she needs it. Does this not damage your relationship?
Your kids don't realise their great grandmother is ill, and think the world revolves around them? when you are older and get sick, who will look after you?

I think you are being shortsighted and inflexible in your approach to this problem.

Your DM should get outside paid help if she can't take care of GM as she said.

@Quorafun - the OP has her own caring responsibilities. She cannot take on the commitments that someone else has made. If her mum can’t look after the grandma herself, she shouldn’t have said she’d do it.

What kind of "appointments" are you referring to? Medical appointments? Birthday parties?
If it were me I would find a way to help. Can you not clear a day any time this week?

My mum also has form for volunteering to do substantial tasks which could have been done in some other way (as in your case your grandmother could have remained in hospital) and then roping in others, usually her adult children and children in law, to do a hefty share or in fact often everything .

I wouldn't cancel appointments which have to be booked weeks in advance - presuming these are medical appointments for your child? I wouldn't take a 2 year old to nurse an elderly relative with flu.

If your DH will be home at the weekend that would be a good time to do a day - take precautions (surgical gloves - you can buy them with cleaning supplies for very little) and a mask for up close personal care and scrupulous hand washing. You do not want to spread flu to your 2 year old.

Help your mum and gran by arranging some outside help. Google Adult Social Services for a start. Speak to them and get your gran assessed. In the meantime, yes I do think you could give your mum a break - one morning a week?

What sort of things does your gm need help with, if she is still really poorly is the district nurse coming in.

I’m sorry to hear of your situation, and hope that your Grandmother gets well soon.

I don’t really know how it all works, but could you contact social services and tell them that she is alone and has no one to care for her.

Contact SS. Get your mother to rope in her teenagers to help out with some of the stuff, age-appropriate. Or agree help with one specific thing, eg shopping. If your mother couldn’t cope, she should not have said your gran could leave hospital.

Your kids don’t realise their great grandmother is ill, and think the world revolves around them? When you are older and get sick, who will look after you?
Quorafun not sure how you’ve managed to put so much illogicality into one sentence. For a start OP has stated that one of her children has SN and the other is 2 - do you really think they are monitoring their mother’s caring activities? And that would have any impact on whether they would care for their parents in about 50 years’ time? 🙄
Certainly make some arrangements to help out where you can, but unless your grandmother is likely to recover after a very short time (which doesn’t sound as if it is the case) then I wouldn’t start cancelling appointments etc. as this is what your life is going to be like for a very long time, and I disagree that making your children suffer is the answer.

She does have someone to look after her, as may be able to put in care but that takes ages, maybe she could have private care instead. Are you able to help in the evening for an hour or as p.p. said at the weekend.

I don't think you should feel guilty for saying no. You don't live really close and have young children who need your care. How much looking after can your grandmother need? Surely your mum has enough down time and can go home for a few hours when your gran has a nap. She could get her teenagers to help a bit.

In the past, my teens have done shopping, hoovering, dog walking and pet care, snack and tea making and other bits and bobs for ill relatives. Nothing onerous, nothing that stopped them enjoying their lives. Just a bit of family input. But they weren’t 2.

Eeerrrrr what about the other teenagers?! Also I'd really not want young kids near somebody with a flu type virus which hospitalised her! I'd say you can't as you've got too much on with two small kids and you do t want to potentially infect them

can you help your mother in another way?
like prompting your siblings to clean and cook?
can your siblings take over for a little bit so that your mother can have some rest?
could your siblings babysit for you?

Unreasonable - esp If you have teenage siblings - why can’t they help too?

She should be in hospital still by the sound of it.

Don’t feel bad

Dds appointments are medical - hearing test and speech therapy. Both half an hour away from my house in the opposite direction to my grandparents house. She also might be starting pre-school towards the end of the week. I need to speak to them about this.

My grandmother has my Grandad, my mother, my step dad, my siblings and I have two uncles. So she’s certainly not stuck for help but I guess because I don’t work I’m seen as readily available but I have two little ones who always come first and I have no one to help with DD who is a madam at be minute. She’s two and a half and has never spent not been with me or my partner. DS is nearly 7 and in school.

I am also concerned about my children getting poorly. DD has never really been around other children so hasn’t built up immunity to anything. I am already preparing myself for her getting everything when she starts pre-school! I also try and avoid getting ill. Last time I was ill with the bug I caught off DS, he couldn’t go school because I couldn’t stop vomiting and using the loo long enough to take him 😣 my partner hasn’t got the type of job he can just leave unless pre-booked!

Sorry but I think you should try even if your visits are short. Agree up front with your mum. It needs to be visits where you can provide light practical help even if its putting something in the microwave to reheat and setting it out on the table. Otherwise your mum may have a future breakdown then it will fall on you even more - not just your time and energy but financially too.