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Parenting

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Original poster

I haven’t got time to look after my sick grandmother..

43 replies

JKCR2017 · 14/01/2018 10:39

So my dear Granny got really poorly last week with some kind of fluey type thing and end up being hospitalised as she was so weak and dehydrated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Viviennemary · 14/01/2018 14:41

I think you should help in the short term if you possibly can even if it means putting yourself out. I don't think you should cancel hospital appointments for your DS. But I think you should pitch in and help out.

imsorryiasked · 14/01/2018 15:23

Can you do stuff to help such as cooking meals for the freezer, and maybe laundry/ironing that can be done from your home?

Quorafun · 14/01/2018 16:47

The country is full of lonely elderly people who are too ill to look after themselves yet have family who won't be flexible enough with their own lives to help out. Everyone seems to have their own issues and problems to deal with, because everyone thinks that they are more important than everyone else.
Do what you feel is right. But recall that karma tends to catch up with us all.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 16:56

Piss off quora. OP has plenty on her image ready. She’s not the one who agreed to care for the sick GM and, as listed, DM has plenty of people around to pitch in including other children, and her husband.

If OP had been asked to care for her GM she’d rightly have said no as her DH works very long hours and, she has a DS with SEN and a toddler!

Go peddle your agenda elsewhere. Or maybe you can put your life on hold to help the DM who hasn’t bothered to rope her other DC in because she’s too busy guilt tripping OP.

corythatwas · 14/01/2018 17:30

Are the ones who quote karma at the OP applying the same rules to the OPs DM, the woman who lives 30 seconds away from grandma, and who is not already tired out by caring for a small child with SN and a toddler?

If she has teenagers, DM is presumably not ancient herself. And she has the back-up of at least 4 male relatives. What about their karma?
Why is it always the female woman with small children who has to make room for everybody's needs?

corythatwas · 14/01/2018 17:31

Surely the last thing grandma would want would be to risk the health of her small grandchildren?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/01/2018 17:34

I don't understand why your mum can't cope. She's a SAHM with teenagers, so presumably she is free all day. And then she could go round with the teenagers in the evening, or send them round, if necessary.

You're FAR busier than your mum. I don't think she should be expecting much of you at all.

SaturnUranus · 14/01/2018 17:42

"My mother asked if I can help out caring for her a bit this week so she can have a break."

And when exactly is she proposing that you get a break?

retirednow · 14/01/2018 17:49

Is this just short term care your mum agreed to or long term in which case she could speak to social services. How much is grandad able to do for granny and himself. Can you tell us how much care your mum is going to have to give and was it more than she thought. If grannie has become quite dependent then your mum needs to have an assessment for carers, equipment, and benefits. I don't think you should cancel any appointments but i dont suppose anyone wants to catch the flu and maybe other family members dont want tomor are not able to help either.

corythatwas · 14/01/2018 17:58

Quora, take this through to its logical conclusion.

DM doesn't arrange things in such a way as to spare the one relative who already has most on her hands and keep the most vulnerable family members safe. The toddler becomes hospitalised with flu and the OP has a breakdown with the stress of dealing with this double emergency plus looking after the child with SN. The DM now has four people who need looking after.

Or, the OP doesn't have a breakdown but understands that her mother is perfectly happy with the OP feeling forced to give her breaks whilst not able to have any breaks herself. This damages their relationship.

Or, the kids find out afterwards that the reason the younger nearly died from pneumonia in childhood was because their grandmother, though neither elderly nor frail, thought exposing them to infection was less of a problem than her having to care for elderly relative for less than a week without a break (note that grandma is only just coming home, so this is not the result of weeks of exhaustion). Kids realise that grandma doesn't care all that much about them. When they are older, they might just bear that in mind when asked to chip in for that retirement home.

feral · 14/01/2018 18:01

Unless your mum had health concerns of her own (in which case why was she offering to help anyway) then you are being perfectly reasonable.

You say your mum is a SAHM too so why is she using the logic that you are home all day to expect you to pitch in?!

She is the one who offered the help, she lives nearby and her kids are teenagers. She needs to be the one doing the work that she offered to do!

You go and do whatever you feel you can fit in and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not doing more.

Weezol · 14/01/2018 18:06

Given the amount of people mentioned in your update, there us no reason for you to be involved. Leave them to it.

Original poster

JKCR2017 · 14/01/2018 18:43

May I add, it’s only short term care. I’m sure my grandmother will be okay again within a week or two. It’s knocked her for six but she was well before this! She’s in her 70s. Any other week would of been fine but this week is a busy one for us!

My mother is in her early 40’s - she had me as a teenager. I’m in my 20’s..

I am definitely going to visit my Granny when I can but I can not commit to whole days etc. I will have to take DD the with me, while DS is at school, which I’m not totally okay with. I just don’t want them catching the same thing or getting ill myself. If OH is at work, I have no one to help out! Being ill is hard work with a SN child and a 2 year old who is going through the terrible twos and is being monitored by professionals herself due to a speech/global delay! 💤💤

OP posts:

retirednow · 14/01/2018 19:02

If she is only in her 70s and was previously fit and able I would just keep it to visiting, you can phone in advance and ask if they need any shopping or washing but it sounds short term for what 1 or 2 weeks so your mum should be ok.

Original poster

JKCR2017 · 14/01/2018 19:16

Definitely going to be visiting. Helping with shopping, prescriptions etc, some light work around the house but can not commit to the whole day thing! 😊

OP posts:

retirednow · 14/01/2018 19:24

Hope she feels better soon and gets back to her old self. I would not have committed myself to all day care either in your situation. I assume grandad lives there and is able to help so your mum shouldn't have to do everything herself anyway,.

Iwannasnack · 14/01/2018 19:30

I wouldn’t be committing to a whole day with a 2 year old. Cook up a load of meals for Mum and gran, take some washing home with you to do for them. Sounds like there’s enough other pairs of hands around.

Sprinklestar · 15/01/2018 01:40

Where are your uncles in all of this?

Seems like the expectation is that this is women’s work...

I’d say her own children help out first, then potentially grandchildren.

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