Not the mother I thought I'd be

[BeholdAnotherNameChange]

Name changed for this-I post every now and again, usually with positive undertones

Basically I think I'm actually a bit of a crap parent, and I'm beginning to realise that I might be quite selfish too
I have 2 beautiful boys who I adore, but I'm just not the mum I thought I would be or even that I want to be. And yet, despite knowing that, I cannot somehow mould myself into that mother that I feel my sons should have

Both children were (and are) very much wanted and I know how lucky I am to have them which makes me feel crushed with guilt that I feel the way I do-I spend much of my day wishing the time away thinking how much better everything will be when they're big and at school.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment, only a few months in and yet I'm almost desperate to return to work, however I know I'll look back through rose tinted spectacles and wonder why I didn't spend more time with my children
I don't want to let them down, I thought I'd want to be a stay at home with them and give up work yet I can't imagine anything worse than being a stay at home mum. The baby has to be held a lot and it's almost impossible to get anything done in the daytime-how to other women do it?? I always seem to be the one turning up at the park/soft play/nursery looking like I've been through a hedge-haven't worn makeup in months because there's no fucking opportunity to do that so how do other women do it???

I don't know why I'm posting to be honest, I'm just desperately unhappy

I sadly don't have any advice as I feel exactly the same as you in the sense of not being the parent I want to be (and being absolutely terrified of turning in to my own mother and replicating my own childhood, but that's another story...) - and yet I have only one DD! So if it's any consolation I would definitely be looking at you turning up to soft play thinking 'Christ, I barely made it here with one, let alone two - how does she do it?! She's incredible!'

My point is, I guess, you're most definitely not alone, interested to see what others have to say. I'm trying a bit of 'fake it till you make it' at the moment, but would love to hear if anyone has managed to get on top of these feelings. for you OP.

OP I think how you're feeling is very common. And it's ok to not enjoy certain stages. I think I imagined being a Mum to kids, not babies. I think I'll enjoy that stage more.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I'd add to this, I recently admitted this fact to my office-mate (and friend!) at work who had two older kids. I was having a bit of a meltdown after a rough morning and thought she'd be horrified. She just laughed and said, 'oh everyone thinks that!'

I'm starting to think she's probably right.

Another helpful thing a different mother told me was that if you're worried about it, that's a good sign - it's the ones who never stop to wonder you have to worry about.
Are they whinging about small things? That's because they don't have to worry about anything big, and they're not afraid to whinge, and both of those are Good Things!

It's hard to spend quality time with them when they are so high maintenance. Dd2 was a right limpit when she was a baby and every task was arduous. I went to work to eat in peace!
My kids are 5 and 8 now. I reckon it took until they were 3 and 6 before I could spend time with them in any meaningful way and feel like I was a conscious parent and not just surviving.

Op it will come in time x

you've got a preschooler and a clingy baby and yet you are putting yourself down for not being more groomed and finding it hard. I think it sounds like you are doing amazingly well and should be a lot kinder to yourself. 'Everyone fed, no one dead' sounds like a good mantra to have at the end of every day and it's not wrong to be yearning to go back to work where you can drink a coffee while it's still warm and you are a person in your own right, not just 'mum'!! You are doing great!! Xx

I can’t believe that any mother ever really is the mother she thought she’d be - after all, before you have children you just don’t know what it’s like! And I know lots of mums who appear to be the sort of mum I’d like to be, but when I chat to them I realise they have as many insecurities as I do.

Oh gosh,you do sound so sad.
I’m sure you are a great mum and you won’t be the first - or the last - wh9 longs to go back to work and feel normal, and yourself and not just mummy again. I remember thinking I so needed to have more adult company the day we had my parents round for Sunday lunch and I cut up everybody’s meat and Yorkshire pudding into nice bite sized pieces before I served it
But this soon will pass. I have to ask- do you think that maybe you could go to the doctors and mention this? Do you think you might have a bit of PND.? There’s no shame in it and no harm in asking.
Do t worry about the park/ no make up scenario.
I always liked the mums best who looked normal and not like bloody Barbie with their flat stomachs ( Who has time to go to the gym after having a baby apart from Davina McCall?? And why would you want to?? You could be sleeping!,!!!)
I learned to apply make up with baby in arms as I look dreadful without mascara. It’s a bit like putting it on while driving ( I did it in the 80s. It was allowed then!,) but not as bumpy!
The baby won’t want to be held forever. If you can afford it get a cleaner a couple of hours a week until baby can go in a play pen [ I used the travel cot.DD loved it with toys in as she could see me] .
Make sure you are eating well and getting enough sleep ( I know, it’s not easy. ] And get DH or your mum to look after kids for a couple of hours and go and meet your friends, or go shopping , or for a jog, or for a massage and a manicure. Be YOU without being mummy. And maybe try to do this every week. You still need to feel like you.
It’s going to be fine. And trust me, there’s plenty of time to feel like a crap mum - I probably think l am at least once a week! I think we all do, we just don’t say it.
I’m sending you a big hug.

My son is now a young adult.
When he was about 2 months old I told one of my neighbours that I could understand how people could batter babies.
She agreed with me. We both stood on the street and cried.

I should add this was about 10 years before the Internet!!

Oh love - you are soooo not alone!

I feel utterly shit most days
I'm finding it getting easier now they're all at school/nursery but the constant logistics, juggling, 'stretched in every direction but not enough to satisfy anyone fully' feelings are, I'm convinced, part and parcel of motherhood.
You're at a particularly shit stage, I used to look at other Pinteresty type parents and get so depressed I'd have to eat a lot of biscuits rather than motivate myself to play with my own children.
Mat leave puts so much pressure on you to enjoy it! Oh how lovely to be with the children! In reality, it's a hard slog.
Try and get a bit of time for yourself (I know I know) you'll feel a lot stronger to deal with things.
Also, find some like minded RL friends. Don't surround yourself with people who make you feel inferior, even non maliciously.
You are marvellous, be with the ones who see this

Ocht, who is?! No one is "the mother they thought they'd be ". You can't be. Before you have kids almost everyone has their head up their arse and hasn't a clue what like it will be. You just crack on as it happens and deal with each bit as it comes. Sahp isn't a gold standard of parenting. In fact there isn't a gold standard. There's no one right way to raise a child. Doesn't matter how you feed or sleep or wean or dress or toilet train your kids. None of it matters as long as those things happen. You're just doing the best you can with the resources you have. It'll be grand. Be at peace, OP.

And get a sling.

I think we all feel like this. I went to Softplay the other day - top covered in biscuit (one year old DS gave me a hug before I could wet wipe him) and smudged mascara as it had been raining. There 2 muns with similar aged kids who looked like they were going for a night out!

Did make me feel like crap but I'm telling myself even those women must have their off days...

Oh Feral you explained it perfectly - stretched in every direction but not enough to satisfy anyone.

OP dont be so hard on yourself, this is exactly how I felt. It sounds like your children are are very young, take it you have a baby and a young child. Mine are 21 months apart, I felt I kept wishing until they went to play group then nursery! Also the youngest didn't sleep so felt like a zombie all the time, looked a mess and eating rubbish. Is there anyone who could take them for an hour to give you a break? It does get easier, mine are now 10 and 8. I'm sure you are a great mum

Can I also say I'm still trying to lose the baby weight

I went to meet my childless friends a few months after my baby was born, was so nice to put proper clothes and even heels on and I got there and my friend pointed out I had baby vomit all down my bum and the back of my leg.

I only have one but it's such a different experience to what I thought, my MIL said to me that she really started enjoying my husband and SIL when they turned 4, I don't think the baby/toddler stages are necessarily for everyone. Sitting in baby sign or sensory I just think god I have a brain and this is what I'm doing with my time! But the love is there, if do anything in the world to keep her happy and safe - I guess it's a marathon and not a sprint. Some people that love the baby stage might hate having teenagers whereas you might love that, I think we all need to be nicer to ourselves - I'm sure you're doing a great job x

Eating with someone sitting on your knee. Every. Single. Meal.
Your arm being pulled in the opposite direction of where you need to go constantly.
Every room needing tidying but you are forced to sit playing playdough and looking at it.
Cleaning wee off the floor.
Crying every five seconds because something is not absolutely perfect and immediate.
What's not to love?!

I agree with everyone else that very few people are ever the parent they thought they would be. I think we embark on this parenting lark with such an idealised idea of what it will all be like that when reality hits it is such a shock. When I was pregnant (and thinking about it even before then) lots of people would hint at the hard road that lay ahead but it feels so different when you live it day in day out.

After a particularly testing day I always try and console myself by looking at the bigger picture. I am doing my absolute best to give my kids the best childhood I can and overall they are happy and know they're loved. This helps me keep perspective when the daily grind gets too much and I feel like I'm generally failing.

I totally get you OP. I thought I’d be like I remember my own mum - stay at home, baking cakes, doing crafts all day long etc...

I’m not. I have no patience, all the nonsense and back chat from my 7yo plus the tantrums from my 2yo drive me up the wall, and I’m seriously considering going back to work full time as I honestly believe DD2 would be better off with the lovely Nursery staff than with me!

I was in your situation a year ago. It's very hard. I too thought I d be a stay at home mum but realised quickly after dc2 I would not be happy and went back to work 9 months after having dd. It was my release, I think it made me a better parent.

I know exactly what you mean about wishing the time away and not being the parent you thought you d be. I turned into shouty, stressed mum. I hated it but couldn't get out of the cycle. I made the mistake of trying to do too much. Out everyday, supermarket shopping, every toddler group going, no tv/iPad until after tea. Looking back these expectations I set myself to try and be perfect actually put too much pressure on myself and I turned into a stressed parent which I think I turn made ds behaviour worse and so it was a viscous circle. So try and relax and give yourself an easy life.

I wished the time until ds went to school as his behaviour was so bad I was at the end of my tether. I felt bad for that and now looking back realise I should have been more patient, caring and just slowed down. He's at school now and I ll admit life is so much easier now but at the same time I miss him and regret how I was that final year before he went.

So just try and be easy on yourself, go back to work if you need that release but don't feel guilty about it. I found they needed the break as much as me. Especially ds and I think he was just bored at home with me a dd. Hold on as it gets better and try and appreciate the time you have with them as they grow up so quick.

I could have written your post word for word. I just want a short period of time where I can use both hands at the same time without someone screaming at me. I'm looking forward to having older kids who deal with their own poo and let me sleep for longer than an hour at a time.

Thanks so much for all your replies....I'm not sure if it's reassuring to know how I'm feeling is normal or actually a bit devastating 😂

'Everyone fed, no one dead' the PP who wrote that has given me a new life motto!

Yes both children are still very small-the baby is 4 months and is fully bf...I think I'd forgotten how demanding it is. The older one is 3 so he does have some hours at nursery which is helpful

I feel incapacitated by the overwhelming amount of stuff to do, and swing between feeling horribly low and flat to actually feeling angry and just full of rage-I don't know what about though because I don't feel angry towards the children as such. I probably am a tiny bit depressed but actually having read the replies perhaps this is just totally normal!

I was totally shocked by how far away I was from my idea of myself as a mother. The baby and toddler years were a bit depressing like that. My sister remembers me saying to her "I thought it was going to be fun. When is it going to be fun?"

I became much more like my idea of a mother when my children reached the age of reason. I do the crafts and activities, they talk back and enjoy things instead of having irrational reactions to things and trying to get my boobs out. It got so much better I forgot and went and had a third child

In France everyone pretty much goes back to work after 13 weeks. It never occurred to me to do otherwise.

I remember panicking about having to spend weeks on end with mine when they were babies during my summer holidays (teacher).

We are not all cut out to spend time with babies and toddlers. This idea of "spend time with them they are only small for such a short time" is lost on me.

I have 4 kids by the way and enjoy them more and more as they get older. I'm definitely hoping to be a grandparent.

Get a sling I found 4 months the hardest bit then getting easier from there so you are at the hump!!

Dont compare yourself to others!! I always felt like such a klutz but it wasnt until my third I realised mine are all high needs, i have oversupply so milk everywhere, my babies spend much of their time sicking up all that excess milk & mine DO NOT SLEEP so yeah it's not the same as the person who pops out after a few hours sleep with baby & one nappy!! (I always had to take a change of clothes per 2 hours out the house for baby & an extra top for me )
I love the baby stage but I do not look good doing it!

Try to find a rhythm to your day & if you need the three yr old to give you a break give them your focused attention for a while beforehand.