Not the mother I thought I'd be

[BeholdAnotherNameChange]

Name changed for this-I post every now and again, usually with positive undertones

Basically I think I'm actually a bit of a crap parent, and I'm beginning to realise that I might be quite selfish too
I have 2 beautiful boys who I adore, but I'm just not the mum I thought I would be or even that I want to be. And yet, despite knowing that, I cannot somehow mould myself into that mother that I feel my sons should have

Both children were (and are) very much wanted and I know how lucky I am to have them which makes me feel crushed with guilt that I feel the way I do-I spend much of my day wishing the time away thinking how much better everything will be when they're big and at school.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment, only a few months in and yet I'm almost desperate to return to work, however I know I'll look back through rose tinted spectacles and wonder why I didn't spend more time with my children
I don't want to let them down, I thought I'd want to be a stay at home with them and give up work yet I can't imagine anything worse than being a stay at home mum. The baby has to be held a lot and it's almost impossible to get anything done in the daytime-how to other women do it?? I always seem to be the one turning up at the park/soft play/nursery looking like I've been through a hedge-haven't worn makeup in months because there's no fucking opportunity to do that so how do other women do it???

I don't know why I'm posting to be honest, I'm just desperately unhappy

Am I right in thinking that you have a toddler and a very small baby? NOBODY feels good/adequate/in control with that combo! It's incredibly draining, often boring and unsatisfying. I loved my boys to pieces when they were that age but I can't pretend I didn't want to hack my own head off with a breadknife a lot of the time. I remember hiding certain toys/books ds1 was obsessed with because I just couldn't stand them any more, and feeling like such a shit mother. I wanted to be the smiling radiant mum with a toddler by the hand and a baby in a sling, singing nursery rhymes and taking everything in her stride. Occasionally, I was. Most of the time I was a frazzled mess with eye bags, dreading the next feed and watching the clock for naptime so I could zone out for a bit. It gets better! There's plenty of time. Stop analysing your mothering and just keep at it - they don't need you to be perfect.

Welcome to the guilt of being a parent. We all have a view of how we will be as a parent and how the darlings will turn out 🍷it's a journey take the joy where you can

Two littlies is a stage, do what you need to do to get through it. Stop being so hard on yourself. If you need help, ask. If you need someone to vent to, ask. If you need sleep, ask. Well don't ask for sleep, state it as fact

Everyone fed no one dead really is all there is to it. Anything more is a bonus. Be kind to yourself OP

Yep, me too. I've always wanted to be a mum and always thought I would love being a SAHM but it's just not what I thought it would be. I get so bored sometimes- the endless nappy changes, feeds, crying etc. I get lonely. I feel like I'm just mum, wife and housekeeper! I'm dreading going back to work as I don't want to leave my DS but in a way I'm looking forward to having time as me, and drinking coffee that's still hot!!

Bringing up little humans is hard 😕