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Original poster

Regrets About Having No. 2

37 replies

fernyburn · 26/07/2004 09:54

Im interested in hearing some honest views from you about if you regret having a second child.

My DD is 5 months old, and because my husband is 58 this year, time really is crucial to us.

I love my DD totally, and feel that it would be lovely to have a sibling, but Im so torn with sharing her with another child. I feel that its more for her, than for me that I want another child. so she has a playmate, as she doesnt have any cousins etc

Im thinking about trying again in a couple of months.
Do any of you regret having the 2nd, do you wish youd kept to only 1 ?

thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

enid · 26/07/2004 09:58

Best thing I ever did and it has enriched dd1's life immeasurably.

iota · 26/07/2004 10:23

I have 2, 2 yrs apart - at times it was hard going with a toddler and a baby, but I'm sooooo glad that we had the 2nd one.

I love them both so much.

One of my friends wanted a 2nd one as she was an older parent and wanted her child to have a sibling later in life when the parents might no longer be around....not teh only reason of course, but a factor

bootsmonkey · 26/07/2004 10:25

If your husband is up for it (excuse pun) and will support you through & through then go for it. My husband is 47 this year and already thinks he is too old to be a dad and dosn't want to go through it all again!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Twiglett · 26/07/2004 10:27

message withdrawn

Tessiebear · 26/07/2004 10:28

I cannot imagine life without DS2 - having a second was the BEST thing we ever did for us and for DS1. GO FOR IT!!!!

MeanBean · 26/07/2004 10:31

No regrets at all. I threw my xp out just before I confirmed I was pregnant with child number 2, and was very ambiguous about the whole thing, particularly when hospital told me there was a risk of Downs and also when I had two months off before the birth and spent such a lovely time with my DS - felt like it would be the last time we would ever spend alone together!

But it wasn't - I make time for both of them to spend alone with me, as well as altogether. He loves his little sister so much, and she copies everything he does, so it gives him more confidence. Best thing I ever did for him was give him an adoring younger sister!

mummysurfer · 26/07/2004 10:36

no regrets here either, wouldn't be able to spend so much time on MN if they didn't have each other.

xoz · 26/07/2004 10:44

I have no regrets either. It's hard work sometimes (my dd's are 21 months apart) but it is lovely to have a house full of laughter and noise as they play together (most of the time!!! )

Ghosty · 26/07/2004 11:01

I do miss the time that DS and I used to have on our own together but just like I used to miss the time DH and I had to ourselves before DS was born!
I have no regrets because I could not imagine life now without DD (aged nearly 6 months) in it ... You know that cheesy line in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise says to Renee Zellwegger "You complete me." ? Well that is how I feel about DD ... soppy old thing that I am!

Nimme · 26/07/2004 11:29

Fernyburn - DH is 52 this year and I am pg with no 2. Was a change of heart situation with me which DH went with (always really my decision). This second one is for all of us. DD is very excited and will have company now and later. I am actually looking forward to the whole baby thing again (which I never thought I'd say) and DH wants DD and I to be happy.

DD and I are very close and I do worry what will happen there. However I am sure that having another can only enrich all of our lives. As for regrets I think Ghosty hit the nail on the head.

prufrock · 26/07/2004 11:37

Honestly - I regretted deciding to have a second baby every day for the 8 months my pregnancy lasted. I felt really guilty that I was so horrid to dd because I was so ill, and even briefly considered a termination.
But as soon as ds was born I fell in love with him, and when dd met him for the first time it was one of the most emotional moments of my life. Now he's 3 months and it's wonderful to watch her trying to take care of him, and I value the babyness of him even more when I see it contrasted with this hulking toddler. I can't imagine not having both of them, and if my pregnancies weren't so terrible I would have a third.

monkey · 26/07/2004 13:50

mine are 17 months apart and then nearly 3 years bwn 2 & 3.

Having the 2 so close together was the best thing that could have happened, and not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed with my 2, very different, very close boys. They each bring out the best (and monkey) in each other. They would be lost without each other.

And now ds3 is here they are delighted to have a new brother.

SenoraPostrophe · 26/07/2004 14:19

I don't have any feelings so strong as to be called regrets, but as a naturally lazy yet very busy person, I have found the 6 months since ds's arrival very hard. I have also on occasion thought I should have waited longer before getting pregnant again (they're 21 months apart - I wanted them close together so they'd play better).

It hasn't helped that we've started a new business in that time, that dp was unable to do much of my work (I was freelance before) and that ds was not hugely accommodating in the eating/sleeping department. Or that I had no family around to help out and let me recover from the birth properly. But I think it would have been hard without those things. Long-term MNers may have noticed that I'm around a lot less than I used to be and I've had very little real life social contact either. Now I have ongoing back problems to boot. And we had to cancel our holiday to the UK because it's as much as I can manage to get to the shops, never mind getting them both on a plane etc. Moan moan moan....

But it has all been worth it. Ds has turned a corner in the last few weeks and I can finally see some sort of normal life on the horizon. Dd adores him (she always has - I think I can count the "jealousy" incidents we've had on one hand) and they can entertain each other for up to an hour on occasion. I still get my time with her when he's asleep, and time with him when she's at nursery (would highly recommend that you send your dd to nursery or something similar for at least one morning a week if she doesn't go already).

And I should be working...

So, my contribution is go for it, but don't expect it to be easy at first!

Tortington · 26/07/2004 14:46

if i had only known........i wudda stuck to one kid and saved a packet.

i too did the "on another one to play with" bit - be warned i ended up with twins

hovely · 26/07/2004 23:03

did you see this thread here ?
on rereading it it's rather a sad little line up, but I would say in all honesty - yes, occasional momentary regrets for what life might have been like otherwise with just dd, but overall an absolute certainty that it was the best thing for us all to have had a second.

hatter · 27/07/2004 09:55

I did have moments - having had a perfect, easy, wonderful baby with whom I instantly bonded, I thought having dd2 would be the same. And it wasn't. I flailed around on the borders of pnd. I worried about work. I missed work. There were times when I thought I'd ruined my life. (I guess those were the pnd moments) I looked at dd2 and didn't know if she was tired or hungry or what. I felt guilty about everything and about everyone. It was bloody hard work. But despite all that, no, the idea of regretting it is, honestly, anathema. DD2 (now 2) is much more of a mystery to me, she's less like me than DD1 (who is so like me that dh and my mum take the piss when we clash), the wonder that I feel is different, there's been much more of a process - still ongoing - of getting to know her. And I feel very priveleged. They play together wonderfully, on the whole, and I can't imagine what dd1 would do without her. But, for yourself, I would just say that it's about a zillion times harder than you think, and it will be an entirely different experience from having your first.

dinosaur · 27/07/2004 10:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

suzywong · 27/07/2004 10:15

no regrets whatsoever

no that ds2 is a real little person in his own right. But when PG with him I did have many maudlin moiments abouthow I was betraying my first born and breakingup the special close relationship we had and that his life would never be the same again.

Now when I see ds2 beam like a lighthouse when DS1 dances to Thunderbirds for him and when I hear ds2 say 'he's only loving you mum' when ds2 wipes his orange baby mush face in my hair I know I did the right thing

GuiltyOne · 27/07/2004 10:17

prufrock, WOW!!!
I could be you at the moment. I have tryed for ages for a second, i am pregnant now and all i can do is cry. I feel guilty for the poor little thing that's inside me as all i can think is what the hell have i done? I feel so sad that i'm losing dd, people saying already,"oh be careful lifting her- mind the baby"!!!!! Feel like i have lost my lovely idylic lifeCan't talk to anyone about it as i feel so guilty, i'm sure i'll love it once it's born but at this point in time all i can thik is, "what the f* have i done" and cry when i'm on my own. (Feel too guilty to show how i really feel, even infront of dp. We were getting on the best ever a few months ago and now that seems all gone too

suzywong · 27/07/2004 10:21

Guiltyone
that is perfectly natural and it passes, it really does. I remember weeping in thepark as my ds1 asked me to chase him round a tree and I just coulnd't at 37 wks, it opened a real floodgate of guilty emotions.

Sorry you're feeling this way but it is normal and it will go away

bundle · 27/07/2004 10:23

(cheese alert)
having dd2 was the greatest gift I could ever have given to dd1. hearing them giggle and chase each other around is truly magical. i never 'got' that thing about feeling bad about having to share a child with a sibling, but I believe it's quite common

suzywong · 27/07/2004 10:30

Hello Bundle!

spacemonkey · 27/07/2004 10:34

stalk

bundle · 27/07/2004 10:36

hi suze. sorry about the cheese. virtually fondue. how are things? have a nice weekend?

suzywong · 27/07/2004 10:37

hi Bundle
not really I had to make a duty visit to this naff gaff in de Beauvoir town ...

Oh hello SM!

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