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Original poster

Regrets About Having No. 2

37 replies

fernyburn · 26/07/2004 09:54

Im interested in hearing some honest views from you about if you regret having a second child.

My DD is 5 months old, and because my husband is 58 this year, time really is crucial to us.

I love my DD totally, and feel that it would be lovely to have a sibling, but Im so torn with sharing her with another child. I feel that its more for her, than for me that I want another child. so she has a playmate, as she doesnt have any cousins etc

Im thinking about trying again in a couple of months.
Do any of you regret having the 2nd, do you wish youd kept to only 1 ?

thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bundle · 27/07/2004 10:38

(don't you hate those pretentious names for bits of london? is it really dalston? or just off the balls pond rd?)

suzywong · 27/07/2004 10:40

big apologies for the hi jack but ...
it's a fab pad and no mistake

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bundle · 27/07/2004 10:40

I'm sure it is

Gem13 · 27/07/2004 10:44

18 months between my two and it's great! DS is adored by both DH and I AND his baby sister. She thinks he is the most fantastic thing ever. He thinks she is pretty lovely too.

I wondered whether I was being selfish in wanting another one too at times (a baby to replace my baby that was growing fast) but it's made me appreciate and understand both children more.

The only negative point was early on when DH and I had flu and had two babies to look after. But to be honest, we felt so rough, looking after the cats was hard work so it wasn't really the number of children that made it worse!

jimmychoos · 27/07/2004 10:44

I feel the same as Bundle. There is nothing like the feeling you get when they are making each other laugh and giving each other hugs. My two are a little team (most of the time....).

I would perhaps wait a bit longer though. Your looking at having a new baby and a 13 month old. It is much harder if you have them close together - my ds was 2.5 when dd arrived and the key thing was he could talk to us and tell us what was going on in his head. And you'll have time to enjoy your daughter's babyhood - they grow up very fast when a new baby arrives.

prufrock · 27/07/2004 11:49

guilty one - nothing I will say will make you feel any better (I remember that stage well). But it does stop. And in a way it means you are even more joyous when the second is born as you realise that all your fears are unfounded. Feel free to CAT me if you want to talk about it - no need to feel guilty with someone else who's been there. And not just at 37 weeks, but all through the pregnancy.

Gem13 · 27/07/2004 12:18

In case the mumsnet grammar police are onto me - second sentence should have read 'DH and me'!

chunkypie · 14/08/2004 15:12

I can completly relate 2 what guiltyone is going through.
I had very bad antenatal depression (yes there is such a thing) while pregnant with ds2,to the point that I was carrying on as if not pregnant (almost in denial)
The pregnancy was v unplanned as I was on pill & could not work out what had gone wrong and neither dh or myself were atall happy about the situation (there4 neither could pull the other out of our gloom)
I felt 2 guilty 2 talk 2 midwive's about this, as it supposed 2 be a happy time & I thought I was being selfish.
My story is not the norm, as thing's got worse when ds2 was born as I could no longer pretend that it was not happening & my relationship with dh was very strained (dh did not hold ds until day 4)
I eventually confided in my HV, who was a tower of stregnth and put me on ad's & arranged counselling.
16 month's on, thing's are much better,I am over the pd & have bonded with my son (& husband!)
Evan so, if I could go back in time & not know ds2, I would not have had a second child as it is harder work than I imagined.
My case is very unusual and I have never met anyone in similar situation, so I am sure guiltyone will be fine when baby is born, especially as her baby was planned & her dh is probably happy about it.
Would love 2 hear from anyone who has experianced anything similar 2 me.
Sorry 2 put a dampner on thing's but my advice is do not have baby # 2, unless it is what both dh & yourself really want.

chunkypie · 14/08/2004 15:19

I also went through this horrible feeling of how it would never be just ds1 & us again.
How wierd am I?

tallulah · 15/08/2004 19:33

TBH fernyburn I would not have a second child JUST to be a sibling for your DD. The only reason to have another one is if you really want one, & it doesn't sound like you do.

Because our first took 18 months to conceive, we started trying too early for the second & ended up with 18 months gap. With hindsight I think it was the worst mistake we ever made. I was too concerned about getting pregnant to actually enjoy my DD's babyhood & too concerned with the new baby to enjoy her toddlerhood. I wish I had left having a second & just appreciated the child I had.

(of course we didn't learn from our mistakes & had four children by the time DD was 5, so what do I know )

My concern is that if you have another child just to be a companion, what if they don't get on? DD has always got one really well (except for the first year) with DS1 & DS3, but she hated DS2 with a passion from when he was born. We have more fighting in our house than co-operation. You could feasibly end up with 2 kids who can't stand the sight of each other!

I was really really close to my younger brother (2 years gap). So much so that we would rather play together than have friends round (which I think now is not normal). BUT he is now a self centred & egotistical twerp & I can't stand the sight of him. We meet once a year if we have to (he doesn't like my kids so I'm justified in calling him names )

Jodiesmum · 16/08/2004 09:52

Fernyburn you don't say how old you are? Personally I wouldn't feel TOO rushed by your husband's age as quite honestly I don't think there's much difference between 58, 59 or 60 - he's an oldish dad whatever. But if you're a bit more of a spring chicken yourself, maybe you could wait a bit? I felt very rushed about number two as we are both old codger parents but even so I couldn't even think about getting pregnant again at the stage you're at. As things turned out, we have a 27 month gap between our 2 dds, and I still managed to make my own personal deadline of giving birth before I passed 40! (just). The gap couldn't be better in terms of all the practicalities (avoided having 2 in nappies, double buggy, etc) but hopefully they are still close enough in age to have stuff in common. I absolutely love having 2, despite loads of worries beforehand, and am just so glad and happy we went for it

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