Am I wrong about this?

[Dad84]

Firstly I am a dad but please don't hold that against me .
I'm here to ask advice as I feel like I am going mad here because I think my ex wife is doing everything wrong, but she seems to think it's all ok. I am more than happy to accept that I am wrong if you all agree. Anyway...
First things first, I have two sons with my ex and she has custody of one of them, I have the other. This is not a situation that I want, but she refuses to allow them to live with her together, and refuses to allow my other son to live with me. The son who lives with her is 10 years old. She makes him live very independently, which I agree with some parts of, however I think it goes too far. He is made to get himself up for school in the morning, get dressed etc and leave the house alone to take himself to school. During this time she stays in bed so he does not see her at all. He has breakfast at breakfast club then a school dinner, and then after school he has to walk home alone as she will not meet him. He is in year 6 at school.
When he arrives home she stays in her "study" and he is expected to get changed etc and then to amuse himself until either her or her partner emerge to prepare a meal for him. He then takes himself off to his room alone and plays games etc until 10pm when he goes to bed. During the entire day he barely sees either her or her partner.

Second problem, her partner thinks of himself as bear grylls, and is quite in to bush craft and camping. This is a pass time that has been thrust upon my son, who prefers gaming and football. Some weekends, when they aren't too busy, he is taken to the garden and taught to light fires and whittle wood etc. This pass time does not bother me as such, however, they have bought my son two mora knives, and another knife which they have allowed him to keep in his bedroom. For those who don't know, mora knives are extremely sharp whittling knives. I think this is ridiculous for any 10 year old to have a knife collection, but is made worse when my ex has told me in the past my son has got very angry, and gone to the kitchen to get a knife and threaten her or my other son. On top of the knives, they have now bought him an axe which he is allowed to keep in his room, and an air rifle which luckily he is not allowed to keep in his room.

Lastly, my ex goes on holiday, as many times a year as possible on short 2-4 night city breaks, and either leaves my son with her partner, which I find slightly cruel but not too bad, or she takes him out of school and sends him to his nannas which means he looses school time.

Any advice or opinions welcome.

Thanks

My dds walked to and from school independantly from year 5 (would always be up for work in the mornings though). My 12 year old has a knife. Can also light a fire. Not for Bear Gryllis reasons though!

The lack of interaction seems unusual, from what you have said. I also think its unusual that siblings live apart. Are the kids both happy?

Almost forgot to mention, she has also bought him a zippo petrol lighter that he is allowed to keep in his room

My youngest wants to live here with me but she won't allow it

Reading again though...if your son has threatened people with a knife, i think its madness that he has knives and an axe in his room

On the lack of interaction thing, he goes off on the bus on weekends, alone to the local city centre. A few weeks ago he called me during the two hour walk home because he had spent his bus fare in town and she was too busy to pick him up in the car.

It sounds like a lonely childhood and I don't blame you for being worried. The knives are ridiculous. My dh and I teach bushcraft and one of my sons has had his own Mora knife since he was 9, because he's interested in whittling and good at it (I teach spoon carving). BUT it is kept in a knife belt with our other knives, safely away when not in use, and he is only allowed access to it with supervision (he's 13 now).

Walking home alone in Y6 could be fine, depending on the roads, but as part of a bigger picture I definitely see why you feel he is having independence thrust on him too early.

Just out of interest but where are you getting this info from? Could it be exaggerated tales from son in a misguided attempt at something?

If it’s accurate it seems a bit strange indeed. Some of it I would have no problem with. Son getting himself dressed etc is good imo, getting him outside and away from gaming also good, but lack of interaction and lighters and knives in his room not so good.

If you are unhappy with the situation regarding custody, what steps have you taken? How often do you see your son?

Again, my dd has been going into town alone from that age. Its a good lesson to walk home, if you spend the bus fare

A lot of stuff you describe i think is normal/good. But its the backdrop of loneliness for your son?

I think you csn only do 2 things;

1. speak to your x
2. go to court for custody

?

TWO hour walk home from primary school? That sounds extreme. Was there no local school? Were you too far away to collect him that night?

I have no issue at all with the forest school type activities. those are essential life skills. Presumably he has been shown how to use a knife. My five year old has used knives at forest school.

Does your ex work from home? Is she in her study working?

HAVe you tried going back to court if you are unhappy with the arrangements. Ask for the child to be at yours when she is on holiday / weekend break?

I got the info from my sons, their nana ( her side), and from her when I have asked her about things I have considered unreasonable. I have had inflated stories, and watered down stories and have chosen middle ground as the Truth. She swore to me the knife would be kept away from him unless he was being supervised, however both of my sons have confirmed it is in his room. They have also told me he has th three not the one I knew about. Walking to school alone is fine, however I mentioned it as part of the bigger picture as I feel it adds up to a big lack of interaction with him. I. All for independence but not at the cost of basic care and parenting. For example she could at least get out of bed when he does and see him off.
As far as steps are concerned I have spoken to my son, and my ex about it and have been told she will not allow it despite him telling her he wants to move. I have also spoken to a family mamber who is a social worker about my options and feel that if we went to court over it, she may be able to stop him moving due to my house already being a bit too small for us, and him moving would make us over crowded. I am currently working towards moving before I make any further moves. Also on that note, I don't want him to move schools during year six as that could be disruptive to him so would hope to loom at moving him this summer.

Count ducks that walk is back from the city centre to where he lives, not school. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Sounds a very unusual situation.

Sorry the other thing to point out is she lives 4 hours drive from me.

Just to clarify, I don't mind the lessons and learning of bushcraft, other than the fact he doesnt seem all that interested in it as a pass time, it's the knives that he has constant unsupervised access to.

I am an ex soldier and expect certain independence and discipline from the boys, but I suppose the question is, is she taking it too far?

How often do you see him?

I would say that it’s not ideal. If your son actively wants to live with you a court should consider that.

He comes here for most school holidays. He's been with me for the entire Christmas break because her and her partner went away for Christmas and new year

What do you children think about it?

Do they seem content & secure?

You say your younger son wants to live with you, which implies some unhappiness with his current situation, can this be explored.

I am getting an underlying feeling that your ex partner is more involved with her new partner than her children? Is that right? Is your ex partner being manipulated in any way?

All just thoughts based on your post.

I don't think your concerns are unreasonable at all. Walking to school alone in Year 6 is pretty normal, but I'd expect most young kids to at least have someone to get up in the mornings with them or wave them off when they leave. The lack of interaction in the evenings sounds very lonely for your son, too.

Above all, though, I'd be acutely concerned about the ready access to knives and an axe, as your son has previously threatened someone with a knife when angry. Clearly, he has demonstrated that he doesn't yet have the maturity or self control to use these tools in an appropriate manner, and so he should only have access to them in an appropriately supervised situation. Personally, I would focus on this issue in the first instance, and tackle the others later.

From what you have described the situation does sound off. I don't understand why she can't wave him off in the morning or greet him and prepare a snack when he comes home, he is still very young.

How old is your other child and why does she not want him to live with her or the boys to live together?

So far the feeling I'm getting is that everything she is doing is ok to a point but she is crossing lines here and there, which is more or less my feelings initially. He does seem unhappy there, as it's just the three of them plus his friends from school. Here he has his grandad myself and a fairly wide extended family, as well as his brother.

My ex doesn't think they should live together because they fight quite a bit and argue most of the time, but being the younger of two brothers myself I find the arguing etc perfectly normal. In the last two weeks they have been together here, and shared a room and they have only fought two or three times, but have argued most days. When they do, I walk in the room and say "what's going on" and I get two stories, which I filter a bit and then tell them to stop fighting or they can sit on the sofa without toys and gadgets. They stop arguing there and then. My other son is 11, turning 12 this month.
I doubt she is being manipulated, but I couldn't be 100% confident of that as I rarely see her, and see her partner even less.

Have you spoken to your ex about this?

I personally think this is too much independence for a 10 year old.

Is your ds unhappy with the situation?

I think the knife and axe situation is alarming.

Are your exes reasons reasonable for not wanting the boys to live together?

Sorry, most of my questions have been answered.

Brothers will fight. Completely separating them does not sound like the best way to deal with it.

I don't know, my feeling here is that she seems quite selfish.

I think it sounds a very sad situation for your son. He must be very lonely and feel quite unloved on a day to basis. The knives etc are concerning. i would also worry that if this continues he will become increasingly estranged from the household/people in general and as as he gets older this could lead to some very disturbed behaviour indeed.

A real shame that he cannot live with his brother - I would try to get that to happen I think.