Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I'm a terrible parent and I want to be told

40 replies

user1480358961 · 27/12/2017 11:42

Morning, maybe some of you have read my previous threads from A long time ago, but I've just come to the end of the line. I'm feeling like the worst parent alive right now and I need to get it all off of my chest, no matter what the response,
I've had a terrible relationship with my inlaws from the moment my daughter came along. She is now 4.
I believe that they are both undiagnosed narcissists, my fil especially.
They have tried to dominate and step on every boundary ever made,
They make me anxious and I struggle now to be around them.
This Christmas they went over their present limit, made purely Becuase they buy so mucb and refuse to tell us any of what they are buying, they have always over shadowed us with gifts and it's not in a kind way, but in a 'we can't buy what you can't afford way'.
My fil is obsessed, he is just obsessed 'are you jealous your not getting the attention anymore' 'I can't stop staring she is just so cute'
My daughter has never been fond of him and I've taken this and I've made it worse, I've encourage her to keep her distance, I've asked her I'm sure far to many times if she likes him and encouraged her negativity towards him, I'm so ashamed. She uused to try and get away from him, get stressed with his constant persistence and in her face behaviour. I've told her time and time over that she doesn't need to kiss and cuddle him if she doesn't want to. I've turned her against him and although I've had my reasons, I'm totally ashamed

OP posts:

brizzledrizzle · 27/12/2017 11:48

It sounds like your in laws are the one with the problem rather then you.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2017 11:53

What are you going to do about it?

She's only 4 so there's still time to work it out.

What does your DH say?

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:01

My DM used to encourage negativity from me and my siblings to my grandparents and I dispise her for it. My grandmother died and I never got a chance to get close to her. If I had chose to not want to see my grandparents that was my decision to make. She would tell us all of the arguments in detail they'd ever had and turn us against them. As kids we should have known none of it. It turned out my grandmother wasn't a bad person it was simply that my DM had a personality clash with her and his ruined our relationship.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:02

this

Original poster

user1480358961 · 27/12/2017 12:02

What If I've caused her damage already? Built negativity into her that's irreversible?
My husband is having a hard time generally, his family are just mental, selfish!
He used to be so emeshed within their behaviour, he didn't see any wrong. Recently his eyes have been opening.
This is the first year we chose to sta at home for Xmas, every year I've asked of they would like to come to ours for 'their day' this year was Xmas day. Usually it's caused so many arguments and they cry, this year we just said after lunch/evening...but then they decided they wanted all day? I pr my foot down, even the way they handle Xmas gifts is controlling...they just gvie her one at a time and SLOWLY.
So they came at 4 and left at 6!?! Didn't eat the food I had done (as
Discussed)
His dad put a box of presents in front of her and when his mum suggested he give them to her he said no as 'she is talking to him' (my husband grandad) like a jealous little man he got up and walks away. My daughter so gently asked me if she could help me open my bag of gifts and of course I let her, my mil heard and then gave my daughter hers. So my fil steams over and sits in the smallest space on the floor right behind her and leans directly over her shoulder I just told him to get up and sit on the soft, when was only like 2ft away anyway! It's all just insane behaviour! She was speaking with him, but clearly not enough to deserve her presents, who does that to a child, was she supposed to ask for them?

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:03

When I was a kid I would agree with my DM as was shocked by the things she told us. Since growing up and maturing I now realise it as very wrong and would have liked more of a relationship with my grandmother. I have realised if anyone was at fault it was my dm.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:03

was

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:07

I think you need to ask yourself is their behaviour that you don't like enough where it would endanger your DC to be around it. Can they still be decent grandparents to you dd?

Original poster

user1480358961 · 27/12/2017 12:07

How do you see it as your dm's fault? If you don't mind me asking what sort of things were you told?
I see my husband, at 34, who still feels like it is his job to emotionally please his parents rather than his own family? He feels guilty that we don't holiday with them? That we don't go to their bday meals (that are usually around 19.30 in a restaurant 30 mins drive away) hardly appropriate for a 4 year old! He list is immence

OP posts:

Original poster

user1480358961 · 27/12/2017 12:10

Passthestarmix I don't think my daughter is at risk of physical danger, but emotionally I think they are damaging. He is so so needy of her, wanting her to just adore him, even my mil did nothing with her for the first 2 year only encourage my daughter to him! But like my husband, as soon as he speaks out of line, voices an issue, he gets ignored and made to feel guilty

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2017 12:10

It doesn't really sound like 'insane' behaviour to me at all if I'm honest

A lot of what you're saying just sounds really petty and not battles you should be picking.

Also, there's nothing wrong with giving gifts to a child slowly, so they can appreciate opening each one. I also can't see what was wrong with your DD being given her own presents to open, when she was opening yours?

I think perhaps your own mind is so poisoned against them (and you may have legitimate reasons for that), that now they can't do anything right.

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 12:10

They sound awful and I don’t think you’re doing any harm in helping your child realise she doesn’t have to accept your FIL behaviour and that it’s not normal. Far worse if she was being forced to accept his OTT attention.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:11

I have realised my dm falls out with everybody and it was a personality clash. That personality clash didn't affect my paternal grandmother's ability to grandparent. She also turned us against my maternal GF. We never disliked the grandparents until she told us stories about her arguments with them. None of my cousins parents did this and I am jealous I never got the relationship they did with my DGP's.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2017 12:13

Oh for goodness sake, now you're picking on a birthday meal at 7.30pm because you deem it unsuitable for a 4 year old?

It's getting more difficult to take you seriously.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:13

It sounds like you and the GP's have a different way of doing things and it does sound like they have been overstepping boundaries. You have a right to reinforce those boundaries. I would keep dd out of it as much as possible. Only if you feel their ability to grandparent is compromised and their behaviour a danger to dd would I reduce contact.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:15

You could start with a discussion with both of them with dd absent. Lay out the boundaries and what you do and don't expect of them. Tell them would will happen should they overstep the boundaries and go from there. Certainly don't involve dd.

Original poster

user1480358961 · 27/12/2017 12:16

Msgameandwatching
Sorry o don't think I was clear there, it was Becuase my daughter had to ask to open mine it was only then that it prompted my mil to give my daughter hers! Which o was In turn pleased about.
And it's not done slowly
For appreciation, it's control! They weren't given to her Becuase he was jealous that my daughter chose to show her greatgrandad her presents and not him.

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:16

what

Original poster

user1480358961 · 27/12/2017 12:18

Worraliberty, would you take your young child in the car for half hour or more for a 19.30 meal? That's brave!!
If you want children present you should pick child friendly times? It repeats even when we have said about it being more appropriate when earlier

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:20

Your dd is only 4 and it's not too late to nurture2encourage the grandparent granddaughter relationship. You have to ask yourself if your grandparents behaviour is simply annoying you or your child. I would push for a discussion with them and as I said above highlight boundaries and what will happen if they overstep them. Take it from there, good luck

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:21

If you don't like the time let them know and set an earlier time.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:22

You need to stand firm with your boundaries and if they don't like it that's on them. You have a right to set boundaries for your child that you believe to able best for you own dd.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 12:23

*be+

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2017 12:23

Worraliberty, would you take your young child in the car for half hour or more for a 19.30 meal? That's brave!!

Brave, why?

It's just a couple of hours in a restaurant. You seem like you're just actively trying to find reasons to pick at them.

Some of those reasons may be valid, so if I were you (and if you really are serious about sorting this out), I'd check yourself and list the actual properly valid ones. Then sit down and chat to them about it.

Hercules12 · 27/12/2017 12:24

Op, by posting I assume you want opinions.
It seems like whatever they do, you're always going to find fault. You've set these unclear boundaries that are impossible for others to know exactly what what is ok and what isn't so their damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread