I'm a terrible parent and I want to be told

[user1480358961]

Morning, maybe some of you have read my previous threads from A long time ago, but I've just come to the end of the line. I'm feeling like the worst parent alive right now and I need to get it all off of my chest, no matter what the response,
I've had a terrible relationship with my inlaws from the moment my daughter came along. She is now 4.
I believe that they are both undiagnosed narcissists, my fil especially.
They have tried to dominate and step on every boundary ever made,
They make me anxious and I struggle now to be around them.
This Christmas they went over their present limit, made purely Becuase they buy so mucb and refuse to tell us any of what they are buying, they have always over shadowed us with gifts and it's not in a kind way, but in a 'we can't buy what you can't afford way'.
My fil is obsessed, he is just obsessed 'are you jealous your not getting the attention anymore' 'I can't stop staring she is just so cute'
My daughter has never been fond of him and I've taken this and I've made it worse, I've encourage her to keep her distance, I've asked her I'm sure far to many times if she likes him and encouraged her negativity towards him, I'm so ashamed. She uused to try and get away from him, get stressed with his constant persistence and in her face behaviour. I've told her time and time over that she doesn't need to kiss and cuddle him if she doesn't want to. I've turned her against him and although I've had my reasons, I'm totally ashamed

Thank you passthestarmix, believe me, I'm not looking for 'your right' I'm looking for help. There have been so many issues, lots of which as petty and basic, but they all mount up. It boils down to 0 respect, my other post may be helpful in terms of understanding some issues.
My daughter speaks with him, and gets on fine with her, but they are not warm and loving, but physically and emotionally desperate and demanding. They don't help, never offered to babysit, they lie about the most trivial of things. I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them to be honest.

Just don't involve your dd in it and keep her out of it as much as possible unless you're going to be permanently NC because they really are emotionally abusive and it's a threat to her welfare.

Only you know what they are like; poster on here don't know. I don't know the extent of issues you've had. You have to safeguard your ds in the best way you know you. I really do sympathise with you because we've had problems with DS's grandparents. In our case the said grandparents estranged themselves and had been emotionally abusive to dh all his life and would have been a danger to our child. When I mentioned my own personal experience it was different my grandparents weren't the people my dm made them out to be.
in your case only you know the extend of their behaviour and what affect your perceive that to have on your child. I find setting boundaries is the best thing to do and you can't controls said GP's behaviour after this.

/s*

dd*

how apologise for the typos, I'm better on a keyboard than this phone!!

effect

Just looking at the present incident in isolation, have I got this right?:

• PIL come in with presents
• DD is talking to someone else (DGGF)
• FIL takes issue and walks out
• You get given your presents
• DD asks you if she could help you open yours
• you say yes but then MIL gives DD her presents
• FIL sits as close as possible to DD, getting right in her personal space, possibly hoping to monopolise her rather than sitting 2ft away on the sofa
• There is history of FIL being controlling towards DH and now DD that MIL does not want to get involved in/ does nothing to stop/ thinks is normal

My father inlaw is a controller. He can't just come and say hello. He has to be the centre of attention. He needs constant thanks and gratitude! He gives huge gifts that he needs constant gratitude for which my mil enforces.
They knew I wanted to get a play house for my dd first birthday so just before they built a huge one in their back garden, when I got a bit
Upset about it they just called me ungrateful, can't see my point at all! They took over EVERTHING for the first couple of years and if we said anyhrinf they'd kick off, 'ungrateful'
I always ask for big gifts to he run past us...first Xmas was a huge rocking horse. Toy box when they knew I was doing up a vintage one. It's just endless

My husband list is endless, he was always told not to speak with his mum about any problems when younger as it 'upsets' her, he was only encouraged to have interest in cars, no other hobby. He used to hate his grandad basically Becuase my fil used to constantly mock him, when I entered the 'family' I asked why everyone was so mean to this man, my dh just couldn't answer!
We had a falling out with the bil's girlfriend as I used to have chats with her when they were pretty heavy with is when my dd was born, I didn't know she was relating it all back, didn't help, was silly of me also, then she started saying to my husband 'your wife is a bitch, your wife is the problem' luckily my husband saw texts and heard convos so knew I never said anything BAD about his parents to her. Since then we've not spoken but his dad saw fit to smuggle my daughter presents from this girl saying they were from my bil?! So strange, again when questioned he kicked off and still allowed her to return the gift that we'd send her!
We'd have to tell him even as a young baby to back off as he'd lay with his face in hers she she'd cry, hold her on his chest and pretend to sleep even though she hated it. He is a controlling man!
Look at Christmas, lead us to believe that they were
Coming for food in the evening, let us cook and then left to get home to the bil's girlfriend? Who does that?

Yeah it just shows how different people are - I read this stuff and see a creepy, controlling, very odd man, others see a loving and involved DGF.

What I will say, as someone who's mother both tried to dissuade me from one set of grandparents and push me towards another who I can now see were very controlling and emotionally unhealthy, is that she will figure it all out for herself one day. Only you can judge if it will cause lasting harm in between.

He does sound weird. Protect DD by trying to limit the weirdness but don't badmouth them to her. You can do that to friends or on here!

Thanks for your responses, I never expected people to say I'm right or suppport me in my actions. I have severe anxiety due to all of this, the entire family just seem against me (apart from my mil grandad, he seems to be the only reasonable one out of the lot) In fact he just left me an answer phone message saying he was upset as no one told him we were doing food Xmas day evening and feels bad that they all left!
His parents now expect us to go their just to show my dd their Christmas tree and Becuase they didn't get to see us much on Xmas day? That was their choice!!
I don't say bad things about him to my dd. I've just been a bit obsessive on occasions (to many occasions) about asking her if she likes him and encouraging her more towards my mil rather than him. I know I'm wrong, but as he is so obsessive and maniluplative I can't stand the idea of her getting close to him. But I shouldn't have interfered. When we are there (which is not a lot) he always tries to get her to say she wants to stay there, it drives me insane.
They have chickens and he will try and get her outside with him as we are trying to leave. He won't let her hold the chicken food, only take it from him, silly things like that.
She will be playing with something and he just dives in and tries to tell her what to do.
We've tried setting boundaries, I used to get so stressed with him hair kissing her, I believe a child should be asked. She shouldn't have to pull away.
Or like the Xmas gifts,y husband said no more than 5. Bit this year it was 10 and then they'd made an advent calendar and filled that with presents instead, ask if it's her favourite.
They bought a holiday lodge but we can only use it if we go with them. The one time we did go with them I went insane, we even tried to go for a walk and we had to worst for him to finish golfing! Bath time was like show time and we were told to put her on the small room as the cot wouldn't fit in 'our room' but yet they have the massive room with more than enough space for it! Bit they have the adult room, we have the kids rooms...it's all just to much!

I think you need to limit your time with them and just do stuff on seperate days so they don't clash with your plans eg present giving, give your DD her presents from you on Christmas day then let them come on Boxing day with theirs so it doesn't feel like you're competing.

I don't think you can reason with them about their behaviour. I would just physically protect your DD from your fil Inappropriateness ie if he sits too close to her, sit on the floor with her and pull her on to your knee. Never leave them alone together.

I don't think you need to bad mouth them but you can say something like, grandad sometimes gets a bit over excited, if he makes you uncomfortable just come and sit with me.

Obviously going to their holiday cottage with them is a terrible idea, esp if you can't trust fil with her.

It may be better to go to their house as then you can control how long the visit is, keep them short.

I told DS some Home truths about a GP when he was older and I regret doing that too. He's very nice to her but he brings it up from time to time. I shouldn't have, but we're human and make mistakes. I've since told him all this, my regret and he's ok with it.

He used it to get out of visiting once and that's when I realised I should've kept my mouth shut.