Friend said she doesn't want to be the primary parent for her 4yo

[beingsunny]

Hi I'm looking for some advice, I have a friend who seperated from her husband around four months ago.

They are now living separately and she is still in the (rented) family home until January when she will move in with her father.

We spoke on the phone yesterday and she said her exh has offered to take their DD and not ask her for child maintenance and she can see her every other weekend.

She plans to move close to where I live as does her sister, which is an hour away from her DD.

I was quite shocked that she could think of doing this, I'm divorced myself with a similar aged child who I have 60/40 care with his father (mines the 60) I know how much I struggled having 2/3 days a week away from him.

Anyway, we are spending Christmas together and she wants to talk it through, how can I be supportive and ask the right questions without her feeling judged or unsupported?

Stop judging her would be a good start

Why do you have a problem with this? Her dad loves her and wants to be prime carer, her mum is thinking of agreeing. Easier for the child than some of the nasty headgames I have seen parents play with their children as pawns used to punish their partners.

^ as the above first reply says ^

I had a friend that did this (son went to live with father abroad for 2 years)... I tried to just listen, be there for her when she was sad about it, and be a mate.
My friend had good reasons so I parked my own feelings on the issue.

Surely it doesn't matter who the primary parent is as long as the child has some stability and normality in their life? Just be there, listen and be a good friend without judging.

You don't have to ask her questions either. Just listen.

Sorry but I'm not judging her, I was shocked and it's not a common scenario, she sounded a bit anxious to admit that she doesn't want the harder end of parenting.

I care very much for her and am looking Alfie any wisdom of parents who have seen this or had this experience.

It's a really common choice for lots of parents, in fact your ex husband is in the same position.

If she wants to talk about it, just listen without comment. Don't project your own feelings about your child and your set up onto her.

Ok, thank you, it's not quite so similar to my setup four days a month as opposed to 12.

I will just listen and support her whatever she chooses.

@beingsunny

I think some of the pps are being slightly obtuse here...

I agree - no judgement it required- but it's not judgement to be aware of the stark fact that the vast majority of child custody agreements are split with the majority of care undertaken by the mother- so it IS surprising just from a statistical point of view, when you meet a Mum who is the nonresident parent.

Its also not judgement to ask ANY parent- father or mother- how they're going to feel not living/ only living 4 days pcm with a child they've previously lived with full time.

I think, OP, you need to shelve your personal difficulty with split custody, and focus on helping your friend- but of course you are privately allowed to be shocked.

Whatever the MN crew say, it is NOT usual and therefore it is surprising that the mother isn't continuing as primary carer.

Sorry, your ex husband is in a similar position. Many other fathers only do weekends or less.

I think your surprise/shock is rooted in the assumptions made about women as mothers, that we must be much more nurturing than men. If not then you are seen as odd or even as wrong/unwell. I don't think it's fair to judge a women much more harshly for doing what very many men do without anyone even recognising or commenting on.

Thanks @QueenNefertitty my intentions are not to make her feel bad this friend means a lot to me and I want to be able to support her in her decision.
Thank you for your kind words, I was a bit surprised at some of the responses assuming I'm judging her badly, perhaps I worded my OP badly

@beingsunny

No I think you're just experiencing the "mumsnet tinted glasses" world, in which all parenting is split 50/50, mothers can up and off and leave their kids 28 days a month with nary a second look from any of their nearest and dearest, and a chicken feeds a family of four for a week, if not two, if you're good enough at skimming stock.

Truth is, I think it's whatever works and is best for the kid, and who gives a solitary fuck whether it's mum or dad or gran or auntie Maureen with primary custody- but societally I think most of us (off mumsnet) are socially conditioned to presume a mother will want primary custody. The fact that one doesn't, doesn't make her wrong, or unmaternal, and the fact that it's surprising doesn't make you a judgemental bitch. It just makes you someone who's lived in the real world.

whatever works, whatever’s best for the kid
This. I wish every couple breakdown had this as their first thought.

Erghh here they come, straight away ‘don’t judge her’ etc, well of course you will have your own opinion because you have a similar aged child! Going from a primary carer to every other weekend is a massive jump, to be honest and without being too pushy on it, I would point this out and actually be a friend by pushing her to think over the negative points of the transition, you can still be supportive, but sometimes you need a friend to talk about the things you don’t want to hear.

dh and I separated when our children were a similar age. We had 50:50 residency, and both found our child free days difficult. Every other weekend with no midweek visit is very little. Sure it's what many dads end up with but that seems to me very little too, and a long gap for the child to not see a parent too. I'd wonder if this is really what the friend wants (because I note it's what the father is offering) or if it's circumstances that dictate it (having to move in with her dad an hour away).

As a friend I'd try just to be supportive and let my friend talk about how she feels.

Of course it's surprising and unusual and some people on here are too keen to 'right on' and pretend it's normal.

So YANBU to find it difficult to understand. I would focus on listening and any questions would be around how the child feels about it to make sure she's thought it through from the DD's perspective.

The difference here is that I'm sure the mumsnet collective would not be so forgiving of going to EOW and not paying maintenance . Why do people think this is acceptable when a woman does it?

Exactly. The dad shouldn't think he can waive maintenance nor should the mum agree - the money isn't payment for him to look after his own kid, it's money for the child.

Has she - has anyone - asked the child how they will feel about not living with their mum and only getting the occasional visit? Because I can't imagine there are many children who'd be happy with that.

Thank you all for your helpful messages, I also disagree on her no paying maintenance, I think she is worried about how she will cope as a lone parent, the father has always been very hands on and perhaps even did the lion share.

I think the money side of things is his way of controlling the situation,

They haven't got so far as talking to their daughter about how she feels and I will suggest this is perhaps something they should consider.

Is she the primary carer now ? I think it will be very hard for her to go from seeing child every day to two days a fortnight. Personally I would advice her not to make any permanent decisions when she is perhaps not in best head space if she's stressed, heartbroken worried 're money. What if she agrees realises she's made a mistake and her ex won't alter it? It could be a lengthy and expensive court battle.

I too think EOW is very little contact from the child's point of view, mother or father. I do get the point about being quick to judge mothers in a way we don't judge fathers. However, of the father's I know who are separated, none of them are happy to see so much less of their child.

I know one who chose to move quite a distance after separation so could only do every other weekend and I felt very sad for his children. If I'm honest I did judge him for making that choice.

I suppose if a friend was talking it through I would try talking about a staged approach to making the move so it's not so drastic for DC.

If I thought she really wanted my honesty i might share some thoughts/questions about not being part of any of the ordinary parts of childhood. My ex manages to do a school drop off each week, it helps him feel involved when he misses most of the day to day contact.

If it was my friend I would guess life is very difficult to get considering that choice, man or woman. So maybe do some listening about that.

A former work colleague left her 3 year old in the Far East and came back to London to work. Saw her toddler every couple of months. I was child free at the time and even then found it and to get my head round

If the father did the majority of the child rearing before it would make sense for the father to be the main caretaker now. How old is the child? Is your friend moving for a job or to study etc? Are you sure the dad isn’t moving too if they are currently in rented accommodation?

I know I would struggle to say booting but my questions would be along the lines of is this what she wants.

I would also suggest she make a regular contribution to her child’s upbringing even if her ex has said she need not. Also to be aware that if he changes his mind down the line with the time split suggested she could (and should) be liable for a large amount of support.