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Parenting

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Original poster

I've upset the mother in law

29 replies

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 19:41

I'm known for my calm, polite manner and rarely upset people so for me it's a bit issue when I do...

I live a long way from my own parents and on the door step of my in laws (not by choice). My in laws are lovely people but really over bearing. I didn't want them to do any childcare because when I was growing up my grandparents didn't look after me. They had their own lives and we had special days out every now and then and had a great relationship. I knew id find the blurred lines of childcare hard. But my arm was twisted because I was told I was wasting my money on a nursery even though I'd budgeted on using one.

They've irritated me for a long time but I'm well aware that most of it is my own insecurities and resenting the fact they have a closer relationship with my daughter than my own family. What I can't quite handle is us all being together.

They completely take over. I have on occasions been quite literally pushed aside as they tend to their grandchild. They like to sooth her so grandma will resolve any tantrum by whatever means. Ignoring the fact that I am there dealing with it.

Anyway last weekend I snapped. Dd was kicking off. I told everyone to ignore her. They didn't. Sweets and puppets were coming out of the handbag. Stupid grandparents voices were being used. Both my husband and I were ignored even though we were in our own house. When it had finally blown over i flipped and told them i found it really unhelpful that there were 4 people trying to resolve 1 small childs tantrum and that we were the parents and sometimes, although they were only trying to be helpful, they weren't.

Well you can imagine how the rest of the evening went. It was the silent treatment.

I have never fallen out with mil but others have and it's bad. She is a sulker. Part of me feels guilty because I know she hasn't don't anything wrong and I over reacted but I've put up with this for 2 and a half years of her acting like my child's mother.

If she wants to be mad at me that's fine but she seems to be mad at my husband which is worse. He's not very well with depression but we haven't told his parents. We've both had a really awful year with 3 miscarriages. The last thing he needs is a sulking mother and i know this is likely to go on and on. I apologised to her before she left which she pretended to accept but she is now ignoring her sons texts and making sarcastic comments about the free childcare she provides.

How can I make amends before an incredibly awkward Christmas??

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TotemIcePole · 18/12/2017 19:43

Let her sulk.

Notreallyarsed · 18/12/2017 19:43

You can’t, she’s being manipulative and emotionally abusive. She needs to get a grip.

SpartonDregs · 18/12/2017 19:43

Book alternative childcare?

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LanaDReye · 18/12/2017 19:44

Don't make amends. She isn't your child's parent and shouldn't be acting like it. Be civil and see if it settles.

MsHomeSlice · 18/12/2017 19:47

treat her like the tantrumming child....you have told her off, it's done, move on

If she continues to sulk, just laugh "are you still sulking?" brief anyone there on the situation "oh MIL was playing mother to MY child and doesn't like being asked not to, she is still sulking....."

ZigZagandDustin · 18/12/2017 19:48

Be strong, for your husband too. I'd brazen it out because you were right. But I'd remain kind and civil and move forwards. You have nothing to apologise for and rather than agonize over the situation in front of your DH, laugh it off a bit and as I said brazen it out. But be kind about his Mum and be clear that it's not the start of any sort of battle.

Theclockstruck2 · 18/12/2017 19:48

Yeah let her sulk. My mother in law is like this too, but doesn’t do my child care thank goodness. It’s incredibly annoying. I find the fact she can’t be happy being a grandparent so irritating, she has to be the ‘mum’. You haven’t done anything wrong, but no need to overplay it either, just let her come round in her own time and see how she responds to this new boundary being set.

AbbieLexie · 18/12/2017 19:50

I very strongly feel you have nothing at all to apologise for or feel guilty about. They are overstepping the mark.

'Part of me feels guilty because I know she hasn't don't anything wrong and I over reacted but I've put up with this for 2 and a half years of her acting like my child's mother.' PIL are usurping you and your husband. They are the grandparents not the parents. They are undermining you. Their behaviour needs nipped in the bud before it escalates any further which it will.
If it all possible I would start curtailing their child minding duties.

Original poster

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 19:56

I don't know why I dont post my problems on here more often ... I feel so much better already!

I suppose the fact that she is often not speaking to someone in the family says it all!

I've probably tried too hard for too long to keep everyone happy because I know how easily she becomes offended!

Thanks for the support!

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LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2017 20:00

I have been there and done that! You did exactly the right thing, we didn't stand up to my ILs until dd was 4. Like yours, my Mil was very overbearing and completely took over when ever she was there. If dd said "mummy" mil would answer .

I put up with it as like you as my own family were miles away and I thought I was being silly and jealous, so I left it. However she started to "pop round" at 6.45 every single night, just as I was putting dd to bed. I asked her politely, to come earlier she ignored me . So I asked dh to speak to her. Well, she went ballistic at him. She told dh that it was her grandchild and she's pop round whenever she felt like it and we couldn't do anything about it..
It was the final straw and we knew we couldn't put up with her, so we moved to another area an hour away. I have never regretted it. Mil was obviously very upset but she was so awful that she just told everyone dh had been offered a new job.

You have done the right thing and you cannot let her dominate you and tour family. In your situation I'd both go aground to speak to her, without dd and say that you are sorry if she is upset but, you are the parents and must be allowed to parent. You want to all enjoy xmas together so can we all please get back to speaking to each other? I'm sure she will want to spend time with your dd so will cave eventually.

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2017 20:02

And I would add, i suggest going to see her because she sounds so stubborn. If she is rude to you and dh, remain calm, tell her you will not be spoken to like that and leave.

The ball is then in her court.

mistermagpie · 18/12/2017 20:16

My MIL is a sulker and I've been on the receiving end of it a few times. My advice, just take a deep breath and ignore it. When it's happened to me, (unless I've actually done something wrong, in which case obviously I would apologise) I just continue to be normal and friendly towards her and sort of pretend the sulk isn't happening. Not the frosty 'being civil' thing that people go in for, but my normal warm and friendly self.

Do that, and the sulker is either forced to break the sulk and speak to you or looks absolutely ridiculous.

Original poster

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 20:27

Sound advice again.

Sounds like this is typical mil behaviour. Sorry you've all been through the same...or worse..

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LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2017 20:47

I obviously don't know your DH but you say he's suffering from depression. Has his childhood got anything to do with this? A domineering mother can have huge effects into adult hood.
My Dh has been in therapy for six years, his childhood is the main factor causing his problems.

Original poster

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 21:14

Sadly i would guess it has. He has had bought of depressions since I've known him and recently it has been related to our fertitily problems.

He has only recently let on how domineering his mother was in the past and how there are some decisions he made he regrets because she made him feel he had no alternative. When we were together years ago but not serious she encouraged him to move home from our university town to save for a mortgage, telling him he would never afford to buy otherwise.

It is now easier for us to stay in the area as he has moved up and made contacts in this area with work. My job was easier to relocate and when we became serious I moved to him. Now we have roots here and its hard for us to leave. I was naive when i moved here. Just excited to be moving in together and living somewhere new. I feel that she engineered this and my dh regrets not living in London when we were young.

She always uses saving money leverage and tries to persuade us life would be very difficult without her but truthfully it wouldn't. We are very fortunate when it comes to what we earn and have more options than she would like to admit.

Yes I appreciate that if we need a babysitter it is nice to know she wants to do it and dd is happy to go but I was babysat by teenagers not grandparents and it did me no harm. In fact I remember loving it!

The fact that she persuaded her 22 year old son he would never save a deposit unless he moved home is crazy given his degree and the job he has. Even if he could never afford to buy, i think living the life you want to live would be a reason to not move home!

He took a long time to admit to me that he hadn't actually wanted to move back to his home town. He's never called her controlling...but you get the picture...

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2017 21:27

Oh gosh that sounds so similar to us! PIL "persuaded" dh to work in the family business after college. He didn't want to but was very niave and did. I was living in London at the time and I was also very niave to agree to move with him. We regret not staying in London so much.
Dhs childhood was just full of him not having any say in anything. He was just told what to do. He is a high achiever and successful now but has zero confidence and constantly worries he's not doing the right thing, also he gets so anxious about taking time off work for holidays etc because he had to work such ridiculous hours as a teenager for them. His parents have caused him so many issues and I find it so difficult to be nice to them. Although I always am, I want to shout at them for being so cruel and manipulative.

If you don't want to move away from your ILs I think you really need to take back control. I would get other childcare for some of the time you need it so you aren't totally reliant on your Mil.

Thetruthfairy · 18/12/2017 21:44

I don't think this is 'typical MIL behaviour' at all. My MIL is certainly not like this.

Chottie · 18/12/2017 21:51

Ignore your MiL's behaviour. She will get over it...... remember you hold all the aces (DD and DH)....

p.s. I am a MiL and this is not typical MiL behaviour.

Original poster

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 21:52

Sounds awful and remarkably similar!

I find it particularly hard because I wasn't prepared for any of this. My family is so different. I was practically pushed out the
nest and, though my parents are loving grandparents and help out in a crisis, they made it very clear they had no interest in childcare and we rarely see them. I long for us to be an independent family without these in-laws interfering. When dd was born mil said to me 'my mother looked after my children, it's my turn now!' That is not a normal thing to say to a new mother! I was very firm saying I wanted a nursery but agreed to one day childcare with them to keep the peace because they thought a nursery was child abuse. Im so nice to them. They would be horrified if they read this!

I can't believe I'm worrying so much I've upset them. What i should have said is, 'we never wanted or needed free childcare, stop the emotional blackmail, you make us miserable, leave us alone and go and get a life' I'll just save that one for Christmas day after a few drinks, shall I?!

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Original poster

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 21:57

Thanks for he reasurrance that it is not normal behaviour! I can't tell you how much better I feel having vented on here!

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LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2017 21:59

[ maybe not Xmas day but do tell dh that's what you'd like to say.

Dh and I really make a point of coming across as a team, when dealing with PIL. It's great because we both feel very confident that we have each other's backs.

Can you chat to dh and try to come up with a way together to deal with her?

RestingGrinchFace · 18/12/2017 22:00

What they have done is really not ok. You are her parents, they have no right to ignore your directions. Put her in nursery immediately before they turn her into a spoilt brat.

RestingGrinchFace · 18/12/2017 22:03

Sorry, that sounded very harsh. My MIL is so much like this. She absolutely loves stoking my DCs faces when they are throwing a tantrum (because they have to go to bed/other completely normal every day thing) making them cry even more! She won't listen to me when I tell her to stop and then goes on about how she doesn't like to see them cry. This is a bit rich coming from a woman who I have seen emotionally abusing her own children.

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2017 22:08

I've just realised this behaviour is all about being in control, isn't it?

They controlled their own children and are still trying to do it by being "in charge" of their grandchild, thus undermining and controlling their own child/child's partner.

Original poster

Huncamuncaa · 18/12/2017 22:14

Im hoping my sil will have children because they are very similar and sparks will fly! She will not be as polite as me!

How do you stop someone trying to control their children? Is there some sort of therapy I could get her as her secret Santa present?!

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