Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Don't want to leave kids with sister-in-law

34 replies

dominate · 13/12/2017 10:25

Hi.

So me and my husband are and logger heads. He wants his sister to be more involved in our kids lives, by looking after them on her own while we go out.

She is 40 and is in the film industry so she hangs around with a lot of 'recreational' drug users and she herself partakes in the activity when she's at parties and such and when clubbing at the weekends. Her last boyfriend whom she met on the internet was doing so much coke she did actually dump him. She parties hard, the total opposite to myself and my husband. We're 100% anti drugs and I hate all that.

My husbands argument is that she only does this at parties and going out and leads a responsible life apart from this and would never do drugs around the kids. My point is that I can't see her being that responsible if she does this in her spare time,it's illegal and morally wrong and I just don't feel comfortable with leaving my kids with her. He says the majority of people wouldn't feel this way, it's me being unreasonable...

Also my dad is an recovering alcoholic. He hasn't been drunk for 4 years or more now and is extremely loving and close to the children and to be honest his grandchildren have turned his life around. My husband says if we can leave the kids with him, we can leave them with his sister who still actively leads this lifestyle and sees no wrong in it.

What do you all think? My kids are 2, 5 and 7 btw.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 13/12/2017 11:39

Does she actually want to stay with 3 little kids? Doesn’t sound like the type.

Anyway, in my view your children will be fine as long as she’s a responsible adult. For example, has she ever been fired, didn’t turn up for work, family events etc due to her lifestyle? If the partying doesn’t affect her day-to-day life, she acts normal and only does those things on nights out, then I’m sure she could be responsible for your children. But she’d need help as she probably hasn’t got a clue about little children.

Original poster

dominate · 13/12/2017 15:10

That's another point actually...she's doesn't have a clue about kids... at all.

OP posts:

PurplePumpkinHead · 13/12/2017 15:12

Has she actually ASKED to look after them?

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 13/12/2017 15:19

Why does it matter what she does in her spare time if she's otherwise a responsible adult? I've known many many recreational drug users who love to party hard (was one myself!) who are all responsible adults and even have dc now (and have since stopped partying). They have mortgages, jobs etc. If she's an actual functioning adult it's not like she'll be on drugs around your dc you know. As pp have said does partying affect her day to day life? If so then be concerned. What exactly are you worried about? That she'll be using or a bad role model? What's she like other than partying?

TitaniasCloset · 13/12/2017 16:07

Are you sure she actually does want to babysit?

Applesandpears23 · 13/12/2017 16:13

He wants to include her so include her. Ask her to spend time with you as a family. Ask her to be an extra pair of hands on a day out. Ask her to do an activity with the two eldest while you play a game with the baby etc Then you and the kids will find out whether she is good at looking after them. If she hasn't had sole charge of any of them before it is unreasonable to expect she can cope with all 3.

MattBerrysHair · 13/12/2017 16:18

If she actually wants to look after them and is a loving, warm, friendly person then I really don't see a problem. What she does in her spare time away from the family has nothing to do with you, so long as she causes no one else any harm.

PilarTernera · 13/12/2017 16:19

You say your dh wants his sister to be more involved in your kids lives, but what gave him this idea? Has your sil herself expressed any interest in seeing more of your dc?

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2017 16:20

What do you think she's gong to do, take them clubbing?

TitaniasCloset · 13/12/2017 16:33

Apples suggestion is good. If she isn't used to children (I'm assuming here) probably best to take her with you on a day out first or have her look after the kids for a very short amount of time and start off like that. What she does for a social life has nothing to do with it.

3luckystars · 13/12/2017 16:37

Do not leave them with anyone you are not happy about. You can all go and visit her together but don’t leave them if you are not comfortable wit it.

Just don’t. You don’t need any reasons.

flumpybear · 13/12/2017 16:39

I know people who have the odd recreational drug or blow out on booze who hold down perfectly reasonable jobs and have responsible lives too - it would depend on my thoughts about their capabilities

For example my brother is mid 40's consultant doctor with no kids, he drinks and parties often and has a great job and very well thought of, id leave my 9
Year old because she's easy, but if I left my 5 year old he wouldn't cope as he's not used to kids and my five year old is a nightmare!

minipie · 13/12/2017 16:43

It doesn't matter what she does in her spare time.

If you don't want to leave them with her then don't. It's your choice and you don't need a reason.

Children are not toys to be shared round because someone "fancies a go".

However it would be nice to invite SIL round to yours or suggest a family visit to hers (you stay) so she can see them.

Chchchchangeabout · 13/12/2017 16:51

I expect the reality of looking after 3 kids will make this problem go away pretty fast. I would start of with having her round to visit and observing. --Also feed the kids lots of sugar before she arrives--. I wouldn't let them go to hers as I'd worry about them accidentally finding and eating drugs.

crackerjacket · 13/12/2017 16:54

No way I'd leave my kids with her.

A 2 year old too!

No chance.

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2017 18:52

"If you don't want to leave them with her then don't. It's your choice and you don't need a reason."

Well she does- what if her dp feels differently?

minipie · 13/12/2017 19:05

What would be her DP's reason in favour though Bertrand? DP would have to put forward a reason why it's a good idea surely.

There is no reason at all for the SIL to look after the DC alone. If she wants a closer relationship with them she can visit or be visited, with a parent accompanying.

Bubblebubblepop · 13/12/2017 19:07

I think YABU. She sounds like the coolest aunt ever and they will love having an aunt in the film industry when they're older. Don't see what her recreational time has to do with it really.

itshappening · 13/12/2017 19:14

I think it might be ok if you have observed how she is around the children and she seems good with them, and if she does have a responsible side that would dominate in that situation. I would probably get her to babysit in your own home rather than at her place though. I am not sure, they are very young and I think you should be able to say no to the idea. It would be different if you were saying no to her seeing them at all, but she doesn't need to be alone with them to bond at this point.

Or perhaps she could be there to help with babysitting if your MIL or someone else is doing any, three young children are a lot for a babysitter so that would not be odd.

Lollipop30 · 13/12/2017 19:22

I had this with my cousin and I stupidly thought there’s no way she’d be that irresponsible with kids. She’s never done any of that stuff around me and the kids before so what would be the problem?

She thought it was totally reasonable to take my 2yr old to a pub, have a drink and drive home, all with no car seat. She will never have my children for a second unsupervised again.

Lollipop30 · 13/12/2017 19:26

@Bubblebubblepop - Neither did I, how wrong was I!!! She can have cool aunt duties once they’re over 18 and can be trusted to be the responsible one.

Bubblebubblepop · 13/12/2017 19:31

Yes but a really outwardly sensible person could do that too. Its not given

Lollipop30 · 13/12/2017 19:36

Is it not?! I would never have dreamt of doing that even as a teenager?

RavingRoo · 13/12/2017 19:43

What drugs? Smoking a bit of weed at parties and snorting a kilo of cocaine are 2 different things!

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2017 20:00

"She thought it was totally reasonable to take my 2yr old to a pub, have a drink and drive home, all with no car seat. She will never have my children for a second unsupervised again."

Not quite sure which bit of this you are most horrified by. Did you tell her she needed a car seat?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread