Parenting row with dh - who's in the wrong?

[emkana]

Dh and I can't agree on how much "quality time" he should spend with dd1 (3) and dd2 (11 months) after work. He comes home about quarter to six, gets changed while chatting to the girls, then we all have dinner together, then he helps with the bedtime routine (bath every other night, otherwise only into pyjamas). Sometimes he'll mess around with them a little bit, playing hide and seek or whatever, but mostly it's quite rushed, especially bathtime - he'll just get them in, wash them, get them out again. In the end everything's done by about 6.35 to 6.45, when dd1 watches a video for about half an hour to 45 minutes (on her own, I might add - we are those terrible parents who uses the TV as a babysitter ), and when I put dd2 to bed - who often isn't tired then yet and I'm at a bit of a loss what to do with her (just want to get on with going on mumsnet ...) After the video dh will read a bedtime story to dd1.
Dh feels that the routine is good as it is and doesn't need changing, and that he's doing a lot, much more than other men who get home later or do other things and therefore aren't as involved. But I feel that he could spend some time just playing with the children, just interacting, if you know what I mean. What's it like in other families, I'd be interested to know? Am I being too harsh on dh, or should he do more?

I think thats ounds fine - cant he sit and watch the video too - he can read the paper or whatever at the same time?

I think if he plays att hat time they won't go to bed!

he is just being wiht them , andthats ok- my dh is almost never there for stories in the week.

My Dp hardly ever plays with the kids either, and he never does bath time or much else come to think of it.

TBH I have given up trying to get him involved.

what dos he fill his time witht hten?
not flooring eihter!

Nutty put him on wife swap!

He's in the wrong if you're not happy with it I think. So what if he does more than 'other men?' Who cares about these theoretical other men? Many men don't do enough anyway IMO. Bottom line in our house is if one of us isn't happy then we need to sort out a compromise.

But I think that women always want their dh to be the exemplar dad!
!

Sorry to be smug but DH and i argue about who'se going to play etc with the children when he's home. He wins usually! He's always been very hands on and we've always agreed if we split up he'd have main custody.
The downside to this is he doesnt earn a huge amount of money as has always been far more family orientated.
A friend mine dh earns a stack and spends very little time with the kids and we often sigh about each others dhs traits and how jealous we are of each other.

emkana. Your bedtime routine/dh is almost identical to ours except I feed them before he gets in and we eat later. Funny though - I am really pleased with the amount dh spends with the girls! I think we are so lucky that he gets in at 5.45 and can do the boring, ordinary routine things with them. Its nice.

And you all eat together, which is lovely. Do you read/look at books with dd2? Can't you play a quiet game with her for fifteen minutes?

my dd1 also watches half an hour of telly but not on her own, either dh sits with her just having a cuddle and reading the paper or I do while he puts dd2 to bed.

The way we do our routine is as follows. Dh gets up with ds in the morning (usually ds gets up a 7am). Dh gives ds his breakfast, has a little play and then at 7.45am brings me up a cup of tea. At 8am I get up and dh goes to work.
I look after ds aall day. Dh gets in a 6.15. He then takes over with ds. Usually this involves giving him a bath (dh usually getting very wet!) getting him dressed, playing with him, taking him to bed and reading him 2 stories. Then when ds is in bed (he usually plays in his cot for a while) we have dinner.
This works great for us. Dh plays with ds alot (reading, playing with cars and so on) because I think that he misses him whilst he is at work. This is great for me as it gives me a break.
I would be annoyed if the little time dh spent with ds was soent in front of the tv. I think that it is so important for them to spend time together.

I dont think that you are over reating - like others have said if it bothers you then it is an issue. I dont agree with your dh definition of what other men do. Hope that you can come to a compromise (smile) men can be stubborn!!

blimey, me and dh spend half our life together in front of the tv

I don't think it's a question of who's right and who's wrong really, no one likes to be told they are doing things wrong and it won't encourage your dh to do more if he feels got at (my dh is stubborn as a mule and won't do a thing if he feels attacked). If you feel you would like him to do more I would suggest a compromise whereby he does something specific but gentle (play a quick board game/game of snap/bit of lego) every other night. Men like goals - being told to interact more is too vague, but suggesting that he should play a game (with a defined end) might work better. HTH.

Dh gets home at about 6pm during the week - at which point our ds's turn into little limpets and follow him everywhere. The three of them spend about an hour together, sometimes more. Sometimes this will involve things like playfights and games. At other times the two boys will be just as happy watching dh get on with other jobs or climbing on to dh while he watches the TV. Dh puts ds1 to bed and makes up stories for him. I usually take ds2 upstairs although dh will sometimes do that too.

I think that the 'right' answer is whatever works best for you as a family. We're all pretty happy with our routine. The boys get to spend time with dh, and vice versa - and I get a break from looking after our ds's.

emkana - as www said, if you aren't happy, it's not right. My dh also pulls out the line, but I do so much more than my mates do, but as I keep saying, I'm not comparing him to his mates, I'm compaing him to me. If it helps, this is our routine with dd (26months), and ds (3 months).
Dh leaves before they get up, but makes a point of being home by 6.30 at least 3 nights. He gets changed and chats to both of us, then me, dh and dd eat together at 7.00. Then he takes dd upstairs and runs the bath and gets things ready for the morning (with dd helping) at 7.20 whilst I tidy up downstairs. At 7.30 I take ds upstairs and dh, dd and ds get in the bath. 7.35 I take ds out, get him dressed and bf to sleep by 8.00, dh and dd get out of the bath at 7.55 and he gets her ready for bed, then I tuck her in.

It obviously doesn't always work exactly according to those times, but that's the general idea. Dh really enjoys having a bath with dd - in fact I sometimes feel a bit jealous of the fun they have - and the back scrubs he gets.

it is what works for you that counts- in our house dh comes in about 5pm 6 days a week wash change and then plays with dd whilst I make a drink they may then do gardenning or whatever dh needs to do around the house, whilst I cook tea make the next days packed lunch / study / whatever i need to do. Then dd has a bath usually dh baths her I get her ready for bed and she gets a story or more form both of us. then we chillout or I study and dh sleeps

dh here baths dd 21 mths, as I am normally cooking and doing homework with ds 10yrs.
dd goes to bed wonderfully early at 6.30pm, so dh's time is limited with her but he plays with her and does quite a lot of my load really...
I think he is fab
In the mornings he gets her out of bed, brings me tea in bed EVERY day and gets dd her milk too and changes her nappy, he does leave the dressing to me, pleading fear of her fashionable wardrobe and not wanting to fashion faux pas her yet...

I agree, what works best for you or makes you happy is what he should be doing. My DH gets up at 6, and if the baby (11 mo) gets up early he will get DS and feed him and play with him until he gets ready at 7. When he comes home, (usually around 5)he usually plays with DS for a few minutes and then goes to work out for an hour or more. When he comes back in he helps out or plays with DS for most of the rest of the night and takes a few breaks to get stuff he needs to done. DH always reads DS a book and puts him to bed. I guess he is rewarded by all his hard work by the fact that the baby absolutely loves him and when he hears DH's truck pull up he starts saying dada dada dada and clapping his hands.

TBH I think you are very lucky the ways things are!! home at 5.45pm? my dh is still at the office and it's 9.10pm! What counts is that he's actually there IMO.

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I second the folk who think it's up to you to set the limits you feel fit in with your family dynamic... if you aren't happy then you need to sit DH down and explain why...

FWIW our routine goes:

We all get up in the morning around 7am... DH and I either feed and dress DS whilst the other one packs DS's bag, does the ironing and general bits - making tea, brekkie etc. We all leave the for the station - I drop DH off and then do the nursery run.

DH is normally home round about 5.30 (we collect him from the station) - he gets changed, plays with DS, puts the supper on if it's his turn. Most often I have given DS his tea before DH gets home but sometimes he eats with us. Whoever cooks sits down after supper while the other one does the dishes.

We share bathing, PJ's and story i.e if he does bath and teeth I do PJ's and story, then lights out 7-7.30.

This routine worked really well for us when we both worked full time - I do feel a bit bad that DH still does it all now that I am home - my excuse is that I am heavily pregnant ... will have to revise once the baby is born...

What on earth do all your dh's do,on specially arraged nights dh might(stress might)be home by 8pm ,more generally between 8.30 and 9.00 but can be a lot later,in the morning again unless there is a special arrangement he has usually left the house by 7.30am at the latest.

He is great with the children at weeekends and when we are all togther and does all the things that I do so it is not that he is not hands on given the opprtunety but during the week it's impossible,most of our friends are the same.

Frankly if he was home half the time that your dh is I would be ecstatic

my dh is the director of a company - but its a manufacturing business and they tend to finish early (factory hours) - also he doesn't believe in staying at work any longer than he has to, luckily for us!

I think that is part of the problem with being in what is effectively a service industry,the client always knows best.Last night for instance he had aclient meeting locally at 5.00pm so we thought he would be home early,but the client went on talking until 8.00pm,this is potentially a big job so you just have to put up with it.Often people want to see him after their own working day is over ,they don't seem to realise or care tythat he has a life too ,he would love to be home in the evening but it just isn't the culture of the job plus he often works with people in the States who as well as being several hours behind have an even worse 24 hours culture and think nothing of calling at 2.00am!
I have tried to get him to make a stand but one man against the tide is hard plus if he won't do the hours another lawyer will.

I still do some freelance work as well as work 2 days a week so in fact it is me rather than dh that has unsociable hours...and my part-time job often has meetings in the evening (charity, lots of volunteers) so I am the one who misses out on bathtime sometimes...although I spend three days solid with the little darlings so I quite enjoy 'missing out' every now and again

My DD is 2y 3m and this is our normal routine after Dh gets in from work, around 6-6:15pm

Dh arrives home and gets changed whilst playing with DD in bedroom. Usually involves her bouncing on the bed and getting very giddy. I get dinner ready/finished in this time.

By about 6:30pm we sit down together and have dinner as a family. We are naughty though as often Tv is also on and we can catch up on the news at same time as chatting about the day.

Straight after dinner DH baths DD. He always has done bath time routine. He sees it as there time to splash in the water, and have a chat and play. Sometimes he may even get in and join her which she loves even more!

By 7:15 they are both dried off and inthe lounge for 15 minutes or so of supposedly quiet play. Tht=at never happens though as DD always gets giddy after her bath and loves to chase about with DH, playing ball or whatever. Luckily thi0s doesn't seem to upset her sleep though so I am not bothered and often join in a bit.

7:30pm is bedtime. Either me or Dh (depends on DD's mood and choice) take her to bed to story, cuddle and sleep. Normally takes about 10 minutes maximum to do that.

At weekends or when DH isn't working routine is much more lax though.