Pushed into parenting too early--feel hardly capable...

[ellak]

So I've recently had surgery for the excision of endometriosis, and I got told by my surgeon that I also probably have adenomyosis :( The only cure for this is a hysterectomy which makes me think I'll likely have to have kids in a year or two. My husband agreed that we should do that so I'm not in pain for ages.

I am 26 and feel completely incapable of looking after a baby. I have a degree, I work as a freelance writer and I am pretty independent in many ways, but...

I can hardly fold clothes (my draws are a complete mess)
I can't iron or sew.
I am not earning enough through freelance writing--my husband is supporting me financially.
I can't drive (I'm terrified of cars as I was in a couple of bad car crashes)
I can't plait hair (if we have a girl I'm sure she'll want her hair plaited at some point)
I still have a lot of adventure left in me.
And what's more, I am a complete introvert and enjoy a lot of 'me' time.

At least I can cook healthy food.

Thing is, I would like to have kids. I can imagine enjoying visiting National Trust properties for picnics; going on hikes together; climbing in the gym together; buying cute clothes; helping them study; reading them stories.

I'm just really nervous that I have not had adequate experience/'training' to be a mother.

Thoughts?

you will be fine! go and start trying!

All those apply to me (except I have an office job so fewer money worries). I think I’m a pretty ok mum

I’ve got 2 children (girls) and can’t do most of those things either!

Honestly, no one is ever ready, you learn on the job. I had my first child at 19. I was and indeed am not very different to you. Very introverted, peace loving sitting in the corner book reader. I will freely admit that I am not entirely suited to raising children but I love it.

I would just go for it as you don’t know how long it will actually take to get pregnant. My friend has endo and ttc for 14 yrs before finally adopting. I remember her telling me she wasn’t ready at the start. Obviously hopefully it happens quickly for you but as someone who has endured IVF it helps if you do want to have kids to start sooner rather than later.
No one feels ready for kids, you manage though somehow.

Don’t have a child if you aren’t feeling ready. It’s a massive decision. Not one to Be made under pressure or out of fear. There are other ways to become a parent that don’t require you having a uterus. Speak to your GP about your options, egg freezing etc.

No one and I mean NO ONE is prepared for the challenges and joys of being a parent. I'd worked in nurseries, babysat, helped out at primary schools so I had some sort of experience of little ones. Having my own children and all the stress, worry, laughter and heart-bursting love that come with it were impossible to imagine until I was living it. The truth is we're all just making it up as we go along. You learn on the job and make mistakes along the way but that's fine. It's the best (and hardest) job you'll ever do.

Thing is, I would like to have kids. I can imagine enjoying visiting National Trust properties for picnics; going on hikes together; climbing in the gym together; buying cute clothes; helping them study; reading them stories.

I've got two and have never come close to all of this.
I actually cried with happiness last week because for the first time in almost 4 years I got to read a book.

Don't be forced into doing anything. You say you want kids. But do you want them now? Have you or your DH considered any alternatives?
E.g. Freezing your eggs and surrogates?

If you do go ahead then you'll be fine.

Baby stuff is hard to fold, it's too small and oddly shaped.

I don't iron or sew, you can get stick in name labels.

Can you afford children as you are?

You don't need to drive.

I'm sure lots of parents can't plait hair, you can always keep it short until your hypothetical dd learns to do it herself.

Children are very portable, you can still travel with them, just maybe not in the way you expected.

Can't help much with the introvert one, I am as well but fortunate to have a dc who naps and sleeps well now (after 10 months) which affords me several hours of alone time per day.

I don't think many people get training, there was a recent thread on the age you first changed a nappy, the average was around 30!

None of the above really matters unless you want children though. At least if you had them now you would still be young when they became independent.

I can’t fold for shit and I don’t iron. Cute clothes are lovely but from a very early age my kids would only wear what they damn well pleased. My kids are fab and somehow survive non folded clothes

The hardest part for me is the total lack of time to myself. Now I have a morning a week when they are both at school/playgroup my mental outlook is a million times better.

You don't need to sew or fold clothes or plait hair to be a good mum, it must be difficult to have your choice taken away somewhat of when you want to start a family but if you want kids one day it's hard to nail down exactly when the 'right time' is anyway.

Kids don't care about any of your 'can't do' list honestly...

You'll be fine.

I still shove clothes on draws and barely iron. I have seen badges though it’s best not to look too close. And I don’t drive but still I think my 8 and 5 year old are happy.

Freelance writing will suit as well aroUnd childcare.

Also I had barely held a baby and never changed a nappy but we all learnt togethet

You want a family. You have a husband who is on board. But you aren’t ready. However your body can’t wait. I don’t think you want to be childless. You should have the baby now. You have all the time between TTC and birth to get yourself mentally ready.

All your reasons are not reasons not to have children. The driving will be a problem if you are rural. (Assuming you are middle class enough where all children go to after school activities and they are all miles away). But even that can be overcome if you DH is willing to do weekend ferrying. And also once they are at school there are School ones too.

Oh and even my DH learned to plait! He’s never even put a a hair clip on before children.

On the nite of national trust properties, book reading etc we do this kind of stuff all the time. When we had children we just continued with our lives (which mostly included national trust properties, country pubs, reading/writing next to one another, country drives, country walks, occasional city breaks aka sitting in museum cafes instead of pubs and eating pizza) with our children in tow. We are just a bit more tired, a bit more organised and, a bit less unsociable. With the first child the first six months were almost the same as our lives pre baby, then it got a bit more full on until about age 3 where he is now pretty much just tagging along whilst forcing us to have actual conversations. With two little Ines it's a bit harder because we a far tireder but we still get to do the things that we enjoy.

No one is ready! I baked my first cake for my child’s first bday. It wasn’t the best, but I tried! I was 27 when I had him. Still can’t sew or fold, hate driving so don’t do it. You really don’t have to be a domestic goddess! You have to love them and provide a stable environment where their needs can be met. Nothing can really prepare you for this though, you just become very motivated to do it once they are born. Obviously it’s not compulsory to have kids, but if you want them just know that no one is ready. There is normally not a perfect time either, just the time when you do it! I wouldn’t change having my son in my 20s (and daughter at 30). It has been an adventure of its own. Good luck with your decision!

OP I could practically have written your 'can't do' list word for word. I used to worry sick I wasn't mummy material. I now have the most amazing 10 month old and we're running along just fine. Granted her hair isn't yet long enough for a plait but YouTube is a wonderful thing trust me you'll be great.

A lot of those applied to me too, although I was 32 when my little surprise came along

I enjoy being a mum way more than I ever imagined I would. It's tough and scary at times but it's also hilarious and satisfying. DS is the best thing ever.

Good luck!

None of those things are required to be a mother. No one feels ready. But you have at least the pregnancy to get used to it and it may take a lot longer.

Oh OP! I'm 45 and have a nearly teen and a 10 year old, and I can't do most of those things either. But my kids know they're loved and despite my parenting imperfections we muddle along fairly happily. It doesn't matter if you never iron, trust me. Good luck.

I had my first DC at 23 - a surprise! Recently graduated, had a pretty lame job, enjoying partying and generally not taking life seriously. It was a big change. Now have 2 DC and a pretty good life, decent job, nice house, very stable. Managed to fit in a bit of adventuring along the way! I still don’t drive and can’t plait my daughter’s hair, but other than that, I think I’ve got it convered. Sounds like you’ll be fine. NB kids don’t give a shit whether you fold their clothes or not.

I'm 43 have 3 children at school - can't do the stuff on your list and can't cook either. Still don't feel ready but they seem to be ok !!

Do you know how to love and listen? If you do then you are more than up to it and all you have to do initially is exactly what the little Mr or miss tells you to! The rest will come. None of the other things are essential and you'd be surprised how many of us can't do them. You sound really lovely and the fact that you're worrying about it shows what a great mum you're going to be should you start on this adventure.