Dh and I differ parenting styles, gentle parenting

[Thislittlestar]

Before dd was born, Dh and I agreed on a 'gentle parenting' style as a family. I am trained in childcare and very passionate about this, and Dh liked the ideas behind it and was happy for us to do this.

Dd is now 1 1/2, and I often feel as though Dh deals with more challenging behaviour very differently to me. Dd is a pretty easy toddler, and the way I deal with things (I'm a sahm) work very well for dd. She is a lovely little girl, and people often say what a credit she is to us. Children are all so unique - so I don't believe that there is any one right way to do things - but gentle parenting really works well for our dd.

Dh is genuinely a fantastic dad, but in those more challenging moments I just don't feel we are on the same page. He will often get right in her face and raise his voice to her, when I believe there was a gentler, more respectful way to deal with things. Does anyone please have any advice? Thank you.

I think you need to talk to him about making your parenting styles more consistent, so that Dd knows what to expect. And show him that your style is more effective with her.

There is an approach you have to take with toddlers, and you simply have more experience with it than he does. Ask him to let you handle it the next time you three are together and an issue arises, so that you can model the approach for him. He may simply not know what to do.

I personally don't think getting in a child's face and shouting does anything except scare them - and I don't want my children to behave because they fear me. I fall on the side of gentler parenting generally but I don't subscribe to 'Gentle Parenting' as an actual official thing. Personally I don't think following a set of rules made up by someone else works for all children and from the reading I've done on actual Gentle Parenting by Sarah O-S et al, most of what I've found is sanctimonious bollocks.

Agreeing a middle ground is your best bet. He is her Dad as much as you're her Mum and has as much right as you to parent how he sees fit. Doesn't matter what you 'agreed' beforehand, it's not a contract and most parents change the way they think they'll do things when the child actually arrives. For the sake of family harmony though you need to be on the same page. We don't hit, shout etc but we do age appropriate punishments (DS is only 19m so no real need yet as no proper 'naughty' behaviour more learning and boundary pushing). We do tell him off - when he bites me for example - but we speak in a low stern voice, and move him away from me. That goes against 'Gentle Parenting' rules, but it's what we're comfortable with and works for us. As a parent it's your job to teach right from wrong and often I've found that children who are raised in strict Gentle Parenting homes lack boundaries and discipline - and they suffer for it when it comes to school time or anytime where they can't just do as they please and work out the natural consequences for themselves.

It's all a balance. Find what works for you both and compromise on the things you can't completely agree on.

I understand your disappointment. But he's her father- he has the right to parent her how he wants (within the parameters of decency!) toddlers really test your boundaries as you know. Don't be too hard on him

Thanks for your reply.

That's a good idea, I just need to make sure I'm doing my best in how I deal with things, and hopefully he will see that it really does work.

I just feel I'm getting frustrated, as DD is getting mixed messages from inconsistency. I think dh just deals with things in his way as in the moment it's easier, but I don't believe is best for dd. I'm trying to not nag him about it and respect him as a parent, but it can be difficult to see him doing things very differently than we agreed on.

I don't understand why anyone would get in the face of an 18 month old and raise their voice. It's totally pointless and over aggressive. I'd be disappointed in him. Can he explain why he's doing it?

Thanks for your replies - I have never strictly said we are a 'gentle parenting' family, but for the sale of the post it's the simplest way to describe things, as I do like a lot of gentle parenting and rie ideas.

I'm definitely not a pushover - dd knows there are boundaries, and I try to be a gentle, firm and respectful leader to her. I think sometimes with gentle parenting people think the children can do as they like, but that certainly isn't the case in our home.

I understand that dh and I will do things differently, I just want dd to have more consistency between us both.

Sorry, the sake of the post*

He says he does it because it works, and disagrees that it scares her. I don't want DD to obey us out of fear, which is what I feel that does. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and have definitely shouted at dd myself, but it's something I'm very mindful of and try not to do.

I agree consistency is the key. However you parent there's no point in coming at it from two opposing angles, child will just get confused.

Would it help if you got some information on why and how you approach things the way you do for Dad to read? I know my OH responds better to 'official' information sometimes!

I have spoken to him about the science and studies behind the way I do things, but dh said he cares more about results he gets with DD than that - which I find surprising as he's very into science and theories.

It may help to actually show him some articles, rather than hearing it from me perhaps, I'm not sure. I understand that I can't 'make' dh do things the same as me, I just want consistency for dd and the methods I use really do work for her.

I’ve encountered many styles of parenting over the years but none have included getting the face of an 18 month old baby with an angry raised voice. That’s just awful.

My DS2 is 17 months old, and I cannot imagine for a second getting in his face and shouting. Anyone who did that wouldn't be given an opportunity to do it again. It's unacceptable. An 18 month old is never misbehaving or being naughty. They just need calm consistent boundaries and distraction.

Can you give us more examples of how you do things differently?

Shouting close to the face of an 18 month old sounds like using bullying and fear tactics to make a child behave. How would he feel if you shouted in his face?

We need to teach our children to learn to make good choices rather then making them behave through fear. Long term DH and DD will have a poor relationship.

I suppose the issue (just trying to see it from his perspective not saying he's right - he's definitely not right to shout at a baby!) is maybe he thinks if your methods work, then the baby wouldn't be behaving in such a way that requires a telling off? In my experience (I'm a SAHM too) Dad's don't always appreciate that things take time with little ones. As you'll know, little ones can't just be taught, learn and then know how to behave quickly - my OH gets frustrated at repeatedly having to correct DS when he bites me (it's only ever me, the little rogue!) Sort of 'I've told him the last three days in a row and he's still doing it!' Well yes, he's a baby and he's pushing the boundaries. Seems straightforward to me, we'll continue to correct the behaviour and in time, it'll pass. But when you aren't the one at home 24/7 it can be a bit hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

I don’t think shouting in anybody’s face, child or adult is a good thing.

You say that he is concerned about the result that he gets which sounds more like he thinks his approach is right rather than he lacks the confidence of parenting a different way.

I would maybe speak to him about long term outcome eg what kind of teenager and adult does he want your DD to be, confident and out going or scared and always does what others says.

Perhaps get him a book, maybe not even a gentle parenting one but a more mainstream sounding title that he maybe more ready to accept which might be more easily acceptable. Or if he is shouting in DD’s face then ask the HV to come round to speak to you both about how to deal with toddler behaviour.

He sounds like an idiot! Surely he must know that your baby doesn't understand what he's saying? That's not how small children learn. They learn by being shown consistent calm boundaries. If he bites, you say "we don't bite" and you put him down and move away for a short time.

Hmm is he proper shouting or is his voice raised more than you’d like. Honestly if he’s a good dad as you say I’d let him find his own way. You can’t dictate his parenting. You can gently raise the issue but we do all have to form our own relationships. I’ve seen a lot of dads disconnect from their kids because they feel dictated to and like they have to do it as prescribed by mum. She’s young and your first. I’d give him some space to find his way.

Shouting is rubbish parenting regardless of the child’s age

I understand you. Basically the same here. I’m sahm. When Do does something with Dd who is 2.5 he gets frustrated quicker. Asks once And does our count down from three straight away.
I’ve read you ask and give them time to process. I ask a second or rephrase/ get her attention better by asking to look at me and she’ll normally do it. I do have to do a count down and I do set boundaries. But I have more time in the day to be patient and take time. He said it’s bevause he does things quicker. I’ve tried explaining she needs time to learn, pathways in brain blah blah but deaf ears sadly.
It’s very hard as he thinks I undermine him.
Sorry no answers but you aren’t alone.

I really appreciate the replies, so thanks everyone.

Dh and I have actually just had a conversation about it, and are understanding each others point of view.

Dh naturally has a strong, deep voice, and I don't think he always realises how he can come across. I just don't like him getting info dd's face, and wish that he would see that my methods do generally work well. At the same time, I always want to respect him as a parent and understand he will do things differently to me.

It's usually dd trying to play with the dvd player or something - I will say "I won't let you do that" and move her hand away, which works well most of the time. If it doesn't work, I'll say something like "I can see you're having a hard time not touching that, so we will move away", and move onto something else to play with. On the other hand, dh will rush right in telling her off, and I think unknowingly can be a little full on with DD and sometimes seems to scare her.

He can also often tell her off if she's upset, whereas I see it as expressing herself. Even if what she's upset about seems silly to an adult, it's very real her and I want to acknowledge that.

These situations don't happen too often as DD is pretty easy and a very happy little girl, it's just when they do I want us to be on the same page.

I think I'll keep modelling the way that I do things, and hopefully dh will see that they work well with DD. Dh adores dd and they are very close - I was just very controlled by fear as a child which I never want for DD.

Can you explain how he tells an 18 month old off?

He will pick her up, get right in her face, and raise his voice saying "daddy said no, no dd...daddy said no!". It's not so much what he's saying (although it's not what I'd say myself), but more of the way it's said if that makes sense.

There’s nothing wrong with no. Imo ‘I can see you’re having a hard time.....’ is over explaining to an 18 month old but only using distraction isn’t instilling a boundary.

‘I will keep modelling....’ your partner isn’t a child he’s an autonomous adult who you sound like you want to control. Sorry just my take on the posts

I do say "no" when needed, but find if I say it too much dd starts tuning it out. I definitely do have boundaries, and try to keep distractions to a minimum as I want her to learn why I don't like her doing something. Sorry that was only one example.

Believe me - I couldn't control Dh even if I wanted to (which I really don't). I have no issues with the word "no" used when necessary, but I do have an issue with him shouting at dd in her face.