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Original poster

Give me the strength I need to not give in to ds....

38 replies

bramblina · 16/11/2017 23:29

I posted earlier tonight as ds 12 and dd 9 have just been repeatedly cheeky tonight so I've had enough.
Ds is now not allowed to stay at home with friends as he wanted to and will now be coming to a friends 50th birthday party at the weekend. He's cried tonight. He's apologised and asked what can he do to be able to stay? I have said very calmly, nothing. I've explained it's to late and he must now suffer the consequences of his actions. Dh is away. It's so hard because I genuinely know he's remorseful but I really can't give in. And I just really want to because it's so hard to see him so upset but grrrrr I need to take control.

I just need some support. Dh stuck on an overnight ferry.

OP posts:
ScouseQueen · 16/11/2017 23:36

Were they both really bad? What's the consequence for your DD?

Sorry, not that supportive but I know the feeling of feeling really bad for imposing a punishment that upsets them. Have to say I would probably not go that route. But I am soft.

KittiKat · 16/11/2017 23:39

There are two ways of looking at this. You say he is really remorseful and crying tonight. Let him sleep on it. Let him really absorb just what he has done.

Tomorrow at breakfast, sit him down, tell him how disappointed you are in him etc BUT give him one more chance. This will reap so much more than dragging him along to a party he does not want to go to and one he could potentially ruin for you and all the other guests.

My feeling is that he has learnt his lesson.

NoSquirrels · 16/11/2017 23:41

Who was looking after him & friends when he was going to be staying at home? Or was he going on a sleepover?

I'd probably give the chance to "earn back" the privilege tomorrow...

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12 year olds 9 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
bramblina · 17/11/2017 00:05

Thanks guys.
I am soft too, but I guess that's why I'm in this position.
Kittikat I think this is exactly what I want to hear. I'm worried this would be me giving in but he has tried to make it up to me tonight. He put the dishwasher on and tidied the kitchen.
Squirrels he was to be staying with my friends (no kids) on their farm and helping which he just loves.

Now I just want to give in. Is it giving in? Your observations are very helpful thank you.

OP posts:
KittiKat · 17/11/2017 01:05

No it's not giving in. It's all a new learning curve for them. They will respect you more and realise that they can't push you that far.

Give him a second chance Mum and give yourself a break. What you did /said tonight hit home and they realise that. [flower]

KittiKat · 17/11/2017 01:06
Flowers
Cavender · 17/11/2017 01:12

Apologies are nice and all very well but what did he learn?

Turn on the tears and butter Mum up and you can wangle your way out of any punishment?

Actions have consequences. For both of you.

Never threaten a punishment you aren’t completely prepared to carry out.

There’s absolutely no point otherwise. If you give in, he won’t take any threat of consequences seriously in future.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/11/2017 01:12

Yeah, I think he needs to know you're on his side ultimately. You know he's learned his lesson and knowing that you believe in him will go much further than punishment in helping him become a responsible adult. Also it sounds like helping on the farm is a really good, character-building activity. More benefit to that than attending a boring (for him) party.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/11/2017 01:14

No, Cavender, he learns that his mum is a sympathetic human being who cares about him and trusts him. OP has already said he's learned his lesson. Punishment for the sake of punishment is just going to build resentment.

HerRoyalNotness · 17/11/2017 01:19

I think that's quite a harsh punishment for cheekiness. If as you say he is making it up, then change your mind in the morning and tell him why, that's he has shown remorse and has been doing chores.

It's not like he is staying with his mates and going to the cinema and bowling etc... he'll be out in the fresh air working hard on the farm which has good benefits in itself

Cavender · 17/11/2017 01:28

Fair enough Iwasjust we all parent differently, however if they haven’t learned to respect their mother by 9 and 12 years old I would suggest that something needs to change.

nowt · 17/11/2017 01:28

I’m with Cavender. The ‘lesson’ he is supposed to be learning is that his actions have consequences. He is currently upset about those consequences, but if you let him stay then the consequences have disappeared.

If you want to climb down from this situation, you are going to have to admit that you set consequences that were too harsh. Say you’ve thought about it and instead chosen some other way to deal with it. It can’t be because he has cried and been good for the evening, because that gives him the control and the expectation that he can misbehave and then just show remorse after the fact in order to get away with it.

The lesson for you is, as Cavender said, never make threats that you aren’t prepared to carry out.

reallybadidea · 17/11/2017 01:35

I've climbed down from overly harsh punishments several times. It didn't seem to do any damage in the long term. I think it's ok to admit you got it wrong sometimes.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 17/11/2017 01:36

Yes, I agree that the punishment is far too severe, hence why he is so upset. He will resent you far more for being so overly strict with him. With respect, I’m not surprised he’s so upset...

I agree with Cavender. Never threaten anything you’re not prepared to carry out. Every. Single. Time. However don’t threaten too harsh a punishment, as you will have to carry it out or be regarded by your children as ‘all talk’ and they will lose all respect

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 17/11/2017 01:37

Stay strong

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/11/2017 02:15

I don't think being "cheeky" means he doesn't respect his mum, just that he has a personality. Might help if we knew what he actually did...

Cavender · 17/11/2017 03:30

Ah, Iwasjust because well behaved children don’t have “personality”? Hmm

Being “repeatedly cheeky” to your mother, despite being asked to cease and desist is not demonstrative of a sparkling personality I’m afraid.

It does however demonstrate a lack of respect.

The OP was clearly upset. The fact that she was driven to issue a punishment indicates that she felt the behaviour was pretty out of order.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/11/2017 04:16

OP, any info about what happened? Maybe I have a different definition of cheeky.

cavender, well, yes, kids/people who hop to the second they get a harsh look are distinctly lacking in personality. I'd be appalled if any of my kids were so brow beaten they didn't feel comfortable having a laugh and pushing the envelope a bit. "Cheeky" suggests to me the intention was fun and went too far, not that he set out to upset his mum.

As you say, different people have different parenting styles, but authoritarian parenting has been proven to raise miserable kids.

Cavender · 17/11/2017 05:28

Iwasjust I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.

I will just say that it’s egregious to assume that well behaved equals brow beaten little robots. It doesn’t necessarily mean naturally compliant characters either.

Similarly strict doesn’t necessarily equal authoritarian.

It’s entirely possible to set high standards of behaviour and have a happy, cheerful, loving home.

And I don’t think it’s necessary for the OP to be explicit about the behaviour that upset her so that thousands of strangers can judge her kids.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/11/2017 05:42

Er, I don't think anyone is here to judge her kids. What a weird thing to suggest.

Cavender · 17/11/2017 05:46

Are you new to MN Iwasjust because that’s exactly what happens on threads where the OP details precisely what their child has said or done, posters calling the child a brat or worse.

We don’t need to know exactly what happened to answer the original post.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/11/2017 05:55

I'm really not. The point people were making is that the punishment should fit the behaviour. If we don't know the behaviour we can't give a fair assessment of whether the punishment should stand. Obviously you think it's fine to just go ahead and punish blindly now matter what's happened so good for you. Sorry most people disagree with you. I'm off now before you try to send me to my room. Have a nice day! Wine

Cavender · 17/11/2017 06:11

Obviously you think it's fine to just go ahead and punish blindly now matter what's happened so good for you. Sorry most people disagree with you. I'm off now before you try to send me to my room.

Iwasjust I’m quite happy for people to disagree with me, as I said earlier we all parent differently.

However your comments above were unnecessarily rude as well as being unfair. I’ve been very polite to you all the way through this thread.

OP I apologise for the derail, I’ll bow out now. I hope you have a good time at the party.

KimmySchmidt1 · 17/11/2017 06:24

It's a bit odd to impose him having to spend time with you as a punishment. Is that how you want him to see you? It sounds like he has done his penance. I'm not sure this will make him respect you. He just won't like you. If children are rude, then the best punishment is immediate, not far into the future.

Jinglebellhell17 · 17/11/2017 06:27

Nope I️ wouldn’t back down. You said it now mean it. I️ would sympathise with his upset but I️ wouldn’t change the consequence. If you don’t hold now he will push harder and harder next time.

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