Give me the strength I need to not give in to ds....

[bramblina]

I posted earlier tonight as ds 12 and dd 9 have just been repeatedly cheeky tonight so I've had enough.
Ds is now not allowed to stay at home with friends as he wanted to and will now be coming to a friends 50th birthday party at the weekend. He's cried tonight. He's apologised and asked what can he do to be able to stay? I have said very calmly, nothing. I've explained it's to late and he must now suffer the consequences of his actions. Dh is away. It's so hard because I genuinely know he's remorseful but I really can't give in. And I just really want to because it's so hard to see him so upset but grrrrr I need to take control.

I just need some support. Dh stuck on an overnight ferry.

I agree with everything Cavendar has posted.

You can't have him learn that tears will get him out of trouble.

Stay strong.

Hes been actively trying to make amends by tidying & sorting the dishwasher. So it is in his mind.

It’s a tough one. I am firmly in the “following through” camp, but do you really want to drag a sullen child along to a party?
I would say sit down, talk, and find another suitable punishment.
Learn to choose your punishments wisely!

I can and do climb down from overly harsh punishments. I think it’s healthy for children to see that parents sometimes make mistakes and correct them.

I don’t allow my DCs to win back lost privileges by subsequent good behaviour. I did, for a time, but what mine took from it (DS2 in particular) was that they could misbehave without consequence as long as they were contrite afterwards (which they always were, because they wanted their privileges back!). I found that the more valuable lesson from my DCs was that sometimes bad choices give rise to consequences that simply can’t be undone no matter how sorry one is afterwards. P

I remember being very very naughty when I was little and my mum got out a present she had for me for Christmas (a fluffy diary - nothing huge but something I would have really wanted) she wrapped it up in front of me and put a tag on it for my cousin. No matter what I said or did, she still gave it away and it upset me so much and was a big lesson learnt- it must have been if I still remember how I felt even now!

So what I would say is make sure you carry out your threat otherwise they will walk all over you, you must have felt cross enough to threaten it and it’s a reasonable threat- you’re not doing anything really horrible to them.

Forget for a moment what he wants. What would you prefer? Would you like him to come with you to the party, or would you rather he went to the farm?

Would YOU prefer to let him go, because it's better for you, more fun at party etc and not because you feel bad about his tears etc, that's the important thing imo.

If you want to take back your threat because it's more convenient for you, then you need to do it in a way that doesn't look like you're backing down. I've would say something along the lines of I'm not happy about your behaviour. I appreciate your efforts to apologise, make amends etc, but there is still a consequence to your actions. But I have changed my mind about the consequence because it's not convenient to me. Instead of coming to the party, you will go to the farm as planned, but as an alternative consequence you will do X, y z (ideally before the party). I think it's important to emphasise that you're changing your mind for your benefit not his, and that he will go but that he may go. And then make him do something that he won't especially enjoy like raking up leaves or cleaning some Windows or something that is physically demanding and also useful.

Reading both threads, the DS's behaviour is not a one-off. Stick to your guns, OP. It's a harsh punishment, but it's justified. Boundaries are needed and you're right to impose them. Never, ever impose a punishment you don't carry through - it simply stores up trouble. Next time, you can probably impose a lesser consequence.

However, you are the parent here, and you are in charge. You want your DC to grow up as civilised humans, and sometimes you have to be strict. Asserting your authority doesn't make you a horrible person and it doesn't make you a tyrant. It simply provides a boundary. (obviously, that doesn't justify abuse, before anyone misreads) Parents have a right to set reasonable limits. Children need limits.

'Harsh' punishment?????? He's not being beaten with sticks and sent to bed without supper!!!!!!!!
I'm afraid I'd be sticking with the 'punishment'. He's losing out on something he wanted to do due to choices he made.
However I do like ernests idea. I think that covers all the bases.

What punishment did DD have?

You should never threaten a punishment that you don't follow through.

I'm a secondary teacher and have been doing this job a long time. I wouldn't give in. Next time this happens (and it will happen again, he's a teenager) you'll have set a precedent. He won't try as hard to make it up to you (you said he washed dishes etc) and if you stick to your guns he'll get confused and upset and angry all over again.

You're not doing anything massively cruel but you are modelling self respect by refusing to allow him to speak to you rudely.

Having said that, you're his mum and I'm a random stranger on the internet. You know him best obviously!

Also, I disagree with the posters who are saying you should give in as a sign of belief in him.

If you give in, what you're doing (in my opinion) is sending a message that you have low standards and therefore low expectations of him.

Consequences show him that you have high expectations of him, and they let him know that you see him as an 'adult' who is able to make their own decisions and live with them.

Once he's calmed down I'd sit him down and tell him that I was really pleased that he'd been mature enough to try to make amends, and that you appreciate his efforts; that, although the decision has already been made (by him when he chose to be rude), you truly believe him when he says that it won't happen again. I'd also stress the impact his behaviour has had on others.

I probably wouldn't back down, but I do feel a little bit sorry for the friend whose 50th birthday party is being used a punishment.