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Parenting

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Original poster

I’m a terrible parent. I don’t want to do this anymore.

28 replies

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 15:20

I’m a regular poster but name changed.

I’m a shit parent. I’ve let my children down so badly they’re going to be those asshole kids/teens/adults who have no respect and treat people like crap. I’ve made mistakes in my parenting and gotten it all wrong. My son threatened to punch me today to intimidate me and it worked. Although I tried to hide it. He gets in these moods and he just won’t be reasoned with. He is rude and arrogant and swears at me . All for a reaction. I try to ignore. I don’t know what to do. I feel like walking out of the house and disappearing. I’m so crap at this. I’ve raised a son who threatens violence on women to get his own way.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

gamerchick · 10/11/2017 15:26

How old is your son and what do you say to him when he does this stuff?

Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 15:31

He is 13. I told him “don’t you dare ever raise your fist to me” and he says “don’t tell me what to do.” He told me to get out of his room and I told him there will be consequences for this. He has blocked his door now so I can’t go in. When he has done it before he has always eventually come to me looking sheepish and apologised and says he knows he shouldn’t and it won’t happen again. He always seems genuine.

OP posts:

Oly5 · 10/11/2017 15:33

This is unacceptable. Take away his phone, WiFi, computer until he apologises and tell him if he ever threatens you again, YOU will be the one doling our the consequences. He should be banned from his favourite things for a week and grounded.
You need to get a bit tougher? He’s 13!!

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Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 15:36

It’s all off him. I have it all. I’m considering selling the lot. He is grounded and he knows this. I’ve done it before.

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Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 15:37

I don’t know how to get tougher. What do I do?

OP posts:

SpringSnowdrop · 10/11/2017 15:41

You poor thing. I wonder if helpful thing might be some positive time together to try to reconnect in a healthier way- I would be quite severe and do away with all privileges that take him away from family time and just focus on simple things you can enjoy together- is he into any sports you can share?
I don’t really know what else to say other than that I feel your pain and feel for you; it’s a difficult sge too with a lot of change going on in his brain and I think sometimes there’s not much more you can do than just sit tight

Oly5 · 10/11/2017 15:46

Good that you’ve removed all his privileges. In that case, I’d stick to that and not give them back but also try the tips above to foster more quality time together. Is he ok at school.. not bullied or struggling with anything? Just checking all bases

Eclissi · 10/11/2017 15:47

Don't give up, don't think you are a bad parent, be confident. The fact that you think you made mistakes in the past makes the present difficult but not impossible to deal with. Bringing someone to this world is the biggest, most difficult best thing ever. I don't feel like telling you if with sweetness or being tough, but I think you need to find your way to be there for him. I don't know you but I'm quite sure you can do it!!! Try to find ballance and strengh...and DO your best, that's all each of us can be asked.

Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 15:47

He does a sport but recently has been refusing to go. I have bought him equipment for it so he can practise at home and tried to encourage it but he says he doesn’t like it. I’m loathed to let him quit as he has done that with quite a few things he wants to start and then quits after a few months and he is actually good at this one so I want him to stay at it.

His younger brother has lots of ongoing health and mental health issues so has lots of professionals he sees and people visiting the house. Sometimes I think older DS is sidelined although I really try not to but he never wants to do anything I suggest doing. He just wants to be in his room or on the PlayStation.

OP posts:

ChevalierTialys · 10/11/2017 15:51

Have you spoken to his school? Your GP? You need to get him help and fast.

FannytheW0nderDog · 10/11/2017 15:52

You are not a shit parent. You are a parent in a very challenging situation. First off teenage boys can be very difficult. Do you have someone to back you up when he's being stroppy at home? If you don't have, is there anyone in the wider family or friends circle who he would listen to when he's feeling calm? To try and talk some sense into him. BTW, I've been through this with my son when he was this age it started at 13 and now that he's 15 he's finally calming down. It has been a very difficult time and at one point he threatened my partner with a knife. What helped a bit was accessing help through the school. That and spending time away from him when he was being really challenging. Can you speak with the Head of Year at his school to see if there's any counselling or a Family Support Worker? If you access the help through school then it should be FOC. Chin up and take some time for yourself (this is really important for your sanity - it's not a cop out). Also please take it from me that you are not a shit parent. You are a parent who is in very stressful circumstances and you will come through the other side. x x

FannytheW0nderDog · 10/11/2017 15:57

Reading through all of your posts OP, your son sounds to be going through almost exactly the same phase as mine did. What changed him was 1. help from the school 2. finding a sport that he loves 3. spending less time on social media. 4. Getting to rock bottom when he was arrested last summer. Number 4 was the turning point. You are not the cause of this behaviour. Your son is troubled but he's not going down this path forver. You both need help. Hugs and love from me.

Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 17:32

We have SS involvement due to their dad who they no longer see. There is a woman from a family support group that is coming to see him on a weekly basis from Tuesday. Not actually because of him because he is actually outwardly a model child. but because the social worker felt he might be feeling a bit overlooked with all the attention DS2 gets. I’m going to speak to her about this.

I have asked him about school and if anything is going on or anyone bullying him and he says no. He says he just doesn’t like school but not because anything is going on. I check his phone all the time but he never seems to have any messages or calls from anyone. He doesn’t go out of the house much at all. During mid term he sat in the whole time. He didn’t ask to go anywhere with friends.

I don’t have anyone here who can back me up. There is no-one I could ask to talk to him. He doesn’t get on with my mum and my dad just wouldn’t know what to do with him. I’d be ashamed to even tell them what he did.

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Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 17:34

He still hasn’t come out of his room.

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Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 17:42

Should I sell the PlayStation and the PSvita? The PlayStation is shared between him and his brother. Or should I keep it off him for a month? I have no idea what is appropriate here.

OP posts:

StormTreader · 10/11/2017 17:44

"He told me to get out of his room"

OK, walk this back a little - why were you in his room right then, had something happened where he was feeling backed into a corner maybe, being in his room with you there telling him off and nowhere to go? I see you check his phone all the time as well.

At 13 I'd be expecting that he would start to need a little bit more trust and independence and to have a bit of his own space - does he have more of that now than he did at, say, 10 or 11, or are you still treating him the same as you did then because your younger one is taking up so much of your mental energy?

Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 10/11/2017 17:58

He had slammed his door in bad temper so I went up and opened the door to tell him not to slam doors. This is a rented house and I have to pay for any damage. He knows this. When I opened the door he lifted his fist as if to hit me and jerked his head in a taunting/challenging way.

I think I give him a lot of space really. He spends most of his time in his room when not at school or on the PlayStation. He doesn’t really watch Tv so doesn’t spend much time downstairs. We eat dinner at the table so he comes down for that and then goes back up again. I don’t pester him to come down. He definitely has more independence than he did in primary. He can go and see friends whenever he wants but he rarely asks to. If friends called for him he will go but he never goes off unless someone calls for him. He will go down to the cinema, or McDonald’s or swimming with them. He gets pocket money that pays for his phone and the rest he can spend as he likes. My mum also gives him a tenner now and again. I give him extra if he needs it too.

I check his phone on the advice of SS. There was concern over his father contacting him and the content of the messages. DS knows i check and that was the condition of him having the phone.

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Thingywhatsit · 10/11/2017 18:05

Just dropping by to say sit down and just have a cuppa (or something stronger!) Babies do not come with manuals and as they grow we as parents just need to learn who to deal with all that comes our way.

I am a single parent too and it's bloody hard and I don't think I have half the challenges you are facing. At 13 hormones are probably really starting to kick in which makes parenting even a tougher challenge. But you will get through it.

I had a tough night last night with my teen - ended in quite a lot of shouting from both sides. I didn't deal with the situation very well but hey ho I will eventually learn and I do my best. If I had a manual it would have been a lot easier!

Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 12/11/2017 12:48

This is no good. I can’t do this. He has stayed in his room all weekend. His curtains and window haven’t been opened since Friday. He wouldn’t go to his sport class yesterday. When he comes out of his room he behaves like nothing has happened and speaks to me cheeky. He hasn’t even apologised for what he did. I have been waiting until we are both calm and ready before talking to him about it but his attitude hasn’t changed. He keeps asking if he is still grounded!! Why wouldn’t he be?? He has done nothing to apologise or show he has changed his behaviour! I asked him this morning if the dog had been fed and he said “how would I know if the dog had been fed?” He gave his brother the finger and when DS2 told me I told him off and he was rolling his eyes and I said “do you hear me?” And he said “loud and clear!” He used the last of the bread for his breakfast and I asked him to go to the shop for more and he has refused. He is in bed and says “I don’t want to go, I don’t need bread”

How do I even deal with this? I’ve spent most of the weekend crying. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Mamabear4180 · 12/11/2017 18:26

I don't let my (just turned) 14 year old DD stay in her room when she's been rude and cheeky. She has to be part of the family. I tell her being in her room is a privilege in the same way her phone is and until she has had positive family time and done chores etc then she needs to be downstairs.

I don't take stuff away from her-she has to earn it in the first place. So if we have a nice family dinner and she's pleasant and helps tidy up/wash up etc then she may go upstairs and chat on her phone. Rudeness and back chat earns her lots of mum time so I can try and get to the bottom of what's going on.

Take the control back OP. He has all the power at the moment. Don't play that game.

Original poster

JustWantToDisappear · 12/11/2017 18:40

There is no way I could have gotten him out of his room. What could I do? I couldn’t drag him and he just wouldn’t come out.

I’ve spoken to him this evening and was very cross. I told him I was disgusted with his behaviour and he seemed apologetic. He did apologise and said he was disgusted with himself. He said he would respect me and earn his privileges back. He tested it again a couple of times but I reminded him what was at stake.

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MindTheDaps · 12/11/2017 18:51

It rarely works to take his stuff off him by the way. All it does is raise the stakes and gives him nothing to lose

I'd return absolutely everything and try and keep one step ahead. He slammed his door? Tackle that when he's calmer and have a chat about it

Punish according to the crime. Taking his PlayStation doesn't fit this 'crime'

MindTheDaps · 12/11/2017 18:55

Or start with a clean slate. 'We are going to start afresh so you're not grounded and all privileges are restored but you and me need to establish our ground rules'

Get him on board with stuff he agrees to. And then you can deal more effectively with him when he breaks a rule he has helped make

Mooning about and crying isn't effective parenting. I don't mean that harshly. You need to assert yourself properly here which doesn't mean goon in all guns blazing and confiscating stuff if he slams a door. You need to be more subtle than that

Would you consider a parenting course

Ohyesiam · 12/11/2017 18:57

Look up Hand in Hand parenting, it's a really different approach that works wonders. Totally changes family dynamics for the better.

Mamabear4180 · 12/11/2017 19:04

There is no way I could have gotten him out of his room. What could I do? I couldn’t drag him and he just wouldn’t come out.

I would have stayed in his room with him and said 'We are leaving this room together'

That's just my way though, it's up to you how you handle it of course. Glad he's apologetic. Keep strong OP and don't give anything back until he's made a massive effort. Personally i'd give it a few days.

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