Parents sleeping apart

[mears]

I am amazed at how many parents sleep apart to deal with children during the night. I personally think that DHs and DPs need to get used to life with a new baby and sleeping in a separate room does not get them aclimatised IYSWIM?

It seems to me that this then leads to parents never having time together and their sex life goes down the tube.

My DH and I never, ever got into a child's bed to help them get to sleep, nor swapped beds during the night because a child came into the bed.

Is there not a danger that parents put their children's sleeping habits before their own relationsip?

I don't mean that the parents are depriving themselves of sex - no need for any of that malarky with a new baby

DH and I would have conversations in bed. When we sleep we are cuddled up in bed together. You can have physical contact without having sex.

DH got used to sleeping with a baby in the room as did I. I have a few friends that spent nights in their childrens bed because the child was in their double bed with the DH. No way would I, or did I, do that.

we all parent differently and i realise my choice isn't for everyone.

my husband worked nights.

This is just something that I have wondered about now and again BTW

it is important if you sleep apart to make more of an effort with your relationship, and not to get into the habit of sleeping apart.

You might've done, Cod. Or you might've done what I did, which was "co-sleep while you're demented from lack of sleep, then when you're feeling a bit better and he's sleeping a bit better, stick him in the cot".

I stuck at that when he was about 7mo (and could roll and crawl) and cracked it. Any sooner and I'd have thrown myself off a building (if I could be bothered to get high enough up it [inertia preventing suicide]).

however, i rarely let kids sleep with me - unless they were ill and i desperatley needed sleep.

it is something i personally see as pandering to childs every whim.

i rarely has a problemw ith bedtimes. my kids slept and always have done. in some parts i think that i am just lucky or god was helping me out.

in other ways maybe it was my straight forward - you are fed, clean, and not ill - walk out of room approach.

Shit, maybe DH and I don't have a good relationship!

And I'd never realised it before

Nah, s'OK. Works for us, you see

Message withdrawn

My neighbours still do this and their kids are 11yrs and 13yrs.

I would LIKE my own BEDROOM, with my own kingsize bed that dh and ds are not allowed to disturb me in while I am sleeping.

Of course DH can service my needs when I feel up for a bit and then head back to HIS room...

That's how the dream goes.... hehehe

BTW, I did bring fractious baby into bed at night to feed - DH was there too.

hmm

I seriously think that every relationship is different (duh!) and seriously, pretty much everyone knows that they need to make time for each other. If you don't spend time talking in bed together after the kids are tucked up, you will make arrangements to do so at another time. We used to get both kids off in the double buggy and go and sit in starbucks, dp used to drive home and take a long lunchbreak (kids napping) and so on.

If people don't make extra time for each other in SOME way, then yes the relationship will suffer-but its got to be kind of wobbly for that extra effort not to be made in the first place, IYSWIM.

When we are both tired, we argue far far more. To adopt an arangement where we both get a bit of sleep is thus much better for our relationship than to share a bed but be knackered, and not in a good way.

I have had DS2 in bed with DH and me. DH has just under half the bed, DS2 has the other half and I end up needing some kind of pulley device to keep me in the bed. Oh, for a kingsize!

But Mears if they're doing it with children of 11 and 13 surely it's because they're using the kids as an excuse to not have any intimacy, rather than because the kids can't get to sleep alone?? (I.M.V.H.O.)

When we go to bed dh HATES to have conversation. If I try to talk in bed he mumbles half-hearted responses and then asks if I do not feel sleepy. As far as he is concerned bed is for 2 things and that is all. (He is quite happy to chat until the wee small hours in the lounge, though) Different people, different ways. Yup.

I'm soft as sh*te when it comes to my dses and their sleep but there is no way that I will have them sleeping in our bed. I'd rather sleep on the floor in their bedrooms than get suckered into that one.

And dh and I have always slept in our bedroom. Why shouldn't he have the crappy broken nights as well?

I don't get why it's seen as a thing only suckers or panderers do, to have their children in bed with them.

oh agree, hunker

also don't get why people get so frigging worked up about it

and quietly wonder what will happen if they ever have a seriously colicky (6 hours straight screaming) baby, and paper thin walls to next door,

It's horses for courses hunker. If that suits you then great.

Unfortunately, my dses are the worst sleepers ever and have had me and dh over a barrel from the start. If we have them in bed with us it will only take about 3 nights and they'll be ensconsed in there until they are 18 (whilst muttering 'suckers' under their breath).

I haven't had an unbroken nights' sleep for almost 3 years (when I was pg with ds1). I like to think that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

And I did have a seriously collicky baby. Ds2 (premmie) was collicky for 13 hours a day from 4 weeks until 20 weeks.

I do think that people get a bit smug about their child and how they would "never" do something because their own children have never needed it. Like I have said, DS1 wouldn't co-sleep. Not interested. If I'd been the sort of person to be smug (stop with the startled fish impressions, you lot), then I'd have probably taken it as evidence of my superior parenting skill (ha!) that he slept in a cot.

Then I had DS2 and luckily there was no smugness to overcome - I just did what worked for him. He is a mahoosively light sleeper and was very comforted having me next to him. Different child altogether.

Piglit, crossed posts - I wasn't calling you smug. I empathise with the sleep deprivation too!

I have no problem with babies in bed with parents. I have no problem with children needing into parents beds when frightened, ill etc.

I think it is just that friends I have had who have done the permanent bed swapping business do not have good relationships. One has now divorced.

This thread was a 'just a thought one'. I am not worked up about it at all - just interested.

Agree with what you say Filly about not making sure relationship is OK outwith sleeping arrangemenmts.

And Londonmama you are probably spot on.

Interesting you say that about your dses being different. Ds2 likes his own space and I really don't think he would be that interested in co sleeping but ds1 would jump at the chance (and has done in the past).

And I can assure you - smug is the last thing I am about my dses and their sleep.

I probably have merged 2 issues.

Babies are little entities of their own and have great needs.

Children who can walk, talk and feed themselves should sleep in their own beds. Yes they should be able to come in for a cuddle and reassurance etc. But for one parent then to leave their bed and leave child in 'big bed', I never understood.