Upset DD by being her parent, not her pal

[RapunzelsRealMom]

DH and I have upset DD2 (16) by being parents, not pals and I feel awful.

DD1 was allowed to go on holiday with friends at 17 (to Magaluf - shudder). I was extremely uncomfortable with this but got carried along with it, if you know what I mean. DD1 is (and was) a really sensible, mature girl and we had numerous discussions about what is (and what is not) acceptable and safe behaviour.

DD1 returned home safely but later admitted to making some very poor (not to mention dangerous) decisions and it was pure luck that she was unscathed.

With hindsight, I know that she was not mature or streetwise enough to deal with the situations she found herself in and she should never have been allowed to go.

With our experience of this, DH and I have decided that DD2 will not be allowed to do this at 17. When she is 18, she can do as she pleases. By then, she will have been at uni for a year, will have experienced nightclub life, alcohol, dating, etc (none of which she has much experience of). Currently, she hardly even gets the bus herself (because of circumstance not because we don’t allow her) and is isn’t out after dark without a lift Home.

However, she has assumed that she can go because generally she gets what her sister gets, and now she has visited travel agents with her friends, started planning, etc.

We told her this morning that we are not comfortable with this and I feel dreadful. She has taken it very well but is still very upset. Her friends will probably fall out with her, she’ll feel embarrassed and will miss out.

We are not punishing her for her sister’s mistakes, more that we now have the benefit of experience and make decisions on our gut instinct, rather that letting things happen because ‘everyone else is doing it’.

Are we awful?

Difficult. How come she'll be at university aged 17? Scotland? And how come limited experience of public transport alcohol etc? Going to university with no experience of any of that is a recipe for disaster imo, so perhaps going away will prepare her?

Is the destination Magaluf as well? Other places would be better...

She might get up to just as many bad things at uni. Believe me. Freshers week is something else

You kinda are punishing her for her sisters mistakes though.

If her sister had told you she had a great time and behaved beautifully would you be concerned about dd2 going?

I’m a younger sister. My sister was allowed to do a lot very young and because she made poor choices (sleeping with a teacher etc so very poor) I wasn’t allowed to do anything until I was 18. No clubbing, holidays, late nights etc. It was shit. My parents weren’t punishing me for her mistakes either but it felt like it

You are punishing her for her sister’s mistakes.

They are individuals. Are you sure that DD2 is equally immature as DD1?

I was far more mature than my older sister at that age.

Your decision may well be the right one, but it has to be based on more than “your sister fucked up so you can’t go”.

This screams to me that you have no faith in your parenting skills if you are scared... the children are individuals treat them as such. What child A believes to be a wise decision child B may believe it's an unwise decision.

You kind of are punishing her for her sister's choices though. One rule for one and then another for the second child because of the first one's mistakes.

Well it's only a year and she can save the money for something else. I think its not the end of the world.

You are punishing her for your elder daughter’s irresponsible behaviour, just be honest about it and admit that’s what you’re doing. Dd2 needs to be pissed off at dd1 not you, no 16 yo should need to be with their parents 24-7 to avoid making dangerous choices!

My youngest is just 13 but TBH she gets to do a lot more than her older sister because she's watched her act like a complete tit and knows to keep to the basic boundaries - let us know where you are, who you are with, don't be late, stay in touch...

Agree with others.

It's because of what her sister did you are stopping her.

The opposite happened with me and my sister.
I am the oldest and was the calm measured sensible one. I was made to wait until X age to do certain things. If I did them and it went well my sister - 3 years my junior - would be allowed to do it the following year. So at a much younger age than me and at an age I was refused the opportunity.

I think you are being very unfair to your younger dd, it's nothing to do with being her parent not her pal .

I'd turn it round as a learning experience - let DD2 go on holiday, but also advise her carefully and thoroughly based on the experiences of her older sister. Forewarned is forearmed.

It's not fair to stop DD2 having the same opportunities as DD1, it breeds resentment.I didn't go to Uni because my elder brother struggled and dropped out.

hmmm...you are restricting her because of her sister's mistakes. I am having to learn, rather painfully, that I cannot control the lives of my adolescent children. They are at the age - as are yours - when legally they do not have to be at home, or at school, and the only thing keeping them on the right track is the control and responsibility they exercise (or do not) over their choices and actions. This means trusting them to assess situations around booze, sex, drugs, cigarettes, and hoping to god they act sensibly to minimise all risks. It's horrible, I often wish they were three again, but this is part of being a good parent. 17 is not too young to go on a holiday with mates, and I think you should let her go. And talk to her about what is worrying you - with no judgement! Easy to say, but hard to do, I know.

Any mature 17 year old wouldn't want to go to Magaluf!

I think you're being reasonable in not allowing her to go.

Your mistake was to let dd1 go. You've learnt from that experience, and as a parent won't repeat the same mistake.

I would not let my kids go to magaluf. It's not a nice place at all. DD would hate it anyway.

She'd rather go somewhere like Ibiza which has a real club vibe and beautiful beaches and food.

You made the wrong decision for DD1. You don't want to repeat the same mistake for DD2. It's not a punishment although I understand how it might feel like one.

It would be nice if you could treat her somehow to make up for her disappointment?

My younger, less responsible sister got into all sorts of trouble whereas I was OK at 17. My sister got the same curfews and rules, my parents believed she'd be fine because at that age, I was. She went wild and got into some very risky situations.

If our ages were reversed and I'd been the younger sister, I'd have probably been locked in the house and never allowed to leave.

She’s 16? She doesn’t actually need your permission to travel. If she is paying for it herself you can’t really do anything about it.

Btw my sister is a year younger than me and was so much smarter than me. I was stupid and got caught every time I did something wrong. She was smart. She watched what I did and learned how to get round the rules/my parents. Even then I knew she was a genius to my dumbass. To this day my parents think she was an angel. She was worse than me! She just didn’t get caught!

The thing is, making terrible decisions and getting yourself out of scrapes is part and parcel of becoming mature. Your dd1 is able to look back and think (and share openly with you) "I did some stupid shit there, won't be making that mistake again". That's why she's grown up. You should let dd2 do the same. Try to guide her away from shagaluf, get dd1 to talk to her about the things to avoid, and then let her go. Fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Or you have a year to prepare her...?

I think you are being very unfair, treating them differently will breed resentment. But as a PP said a mature 17 year old probably wouldn't pick magaluf, but there is an expectation amongst teens that they go on these wild holidays.

At the same age my friends went interrailling around Europe and my parents wouldn't let me go, my friends fell out with me over it and I spent sixthform being left out because everything revolved around planning this trip for the best part of two years. They let my younger brother go, and paid for it, whereas I had to pay for my own trip away with my boyfriend at 18/19 which was a disaster. I really really hated my parents for it, and it is only recently we have got back onto good terms again. She may have seemed to have taken it well, but I doubt that those are her true feelings. Talk to her about it, talk about her sisters mistakes and set some boundaries and rules and let her go. She isn't going to learn or become mature if she isn't allowed to experience life as an adult

You cant treat her the same though.

On a holiday at that age, my sister would have slept with anything that moved, drunk herself stupid and made appalling decisions. I would not have done.

They are different people your dds.

It's difficult. Has DD1 told What she got up to and how lucky she was?

I wouldn't be happy with DS going to Magaluf and when a friend was facing the same issue she and some of the other parents decided on a compromise. I ended up accompanying my friend as she went as the adult and her DD and five of her friends went instead to a villa in Portugal. A safer resort. They used to come for dinner with us and then go back to the villa with other friends and do the whole pre drinking thing and then when they came back out we could go back to the villa! It worked well. They were all 16/17.