Upset DD by being her parent, not her pal

[RapunzelsRealMom]

DH and I have upset DD2 (16) by being parents, not pals and I feel awful.

DD1 was allowed to go on holiday with friends at 17 (to Magaluf - shudder). I was extremely uncomfortable with this but got carried along with it, if you know what I mean. DD1 is (and was) a really sensible, mature girl and we had numerous discussions about what is (and what is not) acceptable and safe behaviour.

DD1 returned home safely but later admitted to making some very poor (not to mention dangerous) decisions and it was pure luck that she was unscathed.

With hindsight, I know that she was not mature or streetwise enough to deal with the situations she found herself in and she should never have been allowed to go.

With our experience of this, DH and I have decided that DD2 will not be allowed to do this at 17. When she is 18, she can do as she pleases. By then, she will have been at uni for a year, will have experienced nightclub life, alcohol, dating, etc (none of which she has much experience of). Currently, she hardly even gets the bus herself (because of circumstance not because we don’t allow her) and is isn’t out after dark without a lift Home.

However, she has assumed that she can go because generally she gets what her sister gets, and now she has visited travel agents with her friends, started planning, etc.

We told her this morning that we are not comfortable with this and I feel dreadful. She has taken it very well but is still very upset. Her friends will probably fall out with her, she’ll feel embarrassed and will miss out.

We are not punishing her for her sister’s mistakes, more that we now have the benefit of experience and make decisions on our gut instinct, rather that letting things happen because ‘everyone else is doing it’.

Are we awful?

[Evelynismyspyname]

Couldn't you compromise and let her go somewhere a bit more sedate with her friends, as they're still at the planning stage?

If it makes you feel any better at least your DD told you - I was the eldest and my younger sisters had more, not less, freedom than me and earlier; possibly because it would never have occurred to me to tell my parents anything except the edited version they wanted to hear!

[Bruceishavingfish]

But you are restricting her because of your ilder dds actions.

I went abroad several times when i was 17-20. I didnt get out unscathed by pure luck. I can honestly say i dont recall putting myself in dangerous situations. Your older dd made some poor choices. Doesnt mean your younger dd will.

The first few weeks at uni were wilder than beung abroad.

[RapunzelsRealMom]

Thank you all for your input. I’ll try to respond to queries:

Yes, we’re in Scotland so she will be 17 when she starts uni. Also, she won’t be going away to uni. She’ll stay in our home town (her choice as she has wanted to go to this particular uni since she was small and there are 2 alternatives if she doesn’t get into her first choice).

I can’t encourage a more ‘sedate’ destination as the group have agreed Magaluf and won’t change for one dissenting voice

I do recognise that it looks like a punishment for DD2, but it’s truly not. As parents, we have learned that we dont have to be railroaded into allowing things that we are uncomfortable with. I’ll be honest - with DD1, we felt we HAD to let her do things because some of her friends were allowed. That was a mistake.

DD2, although sensible, doesn’t speak out much against her friends. They have louder voices and she is easy-going. I don’t know if she’s easily led, but she’ll shut up rather than create a fuss. I need to know that she has the confidence and maturity to speak up about issues that she knows aren’t right.

[NapQueen]

I think its is cruel to punish dc2 for dc1s actions.

She is a whole differebt oerson. Will likely make different choices. And if she doesnt then shes no worse off than dc1.

Yabu.

[CiderwithBuda]

Do you know any of the other parents? Initially with my friend a few of the friends were allowed to go but some parents weren't happy and it was the parents who chatted and came up with the compromise plan.

Are there some friends who won't be going to Magaluf and could or would be interested in an alternative?

[Bruceishavingfish]

But you havent said told her that its a decision made because she isnt ready.

You have, essentially, said that her sister made some bad decisions so she cant go.

[LynetteScavo]

I think you need to admit to your DD2 you fucked up by letting her sister go.

Nothing magic will happen when she's 18, though that will ensure she makes sensible choices....